Chi townD Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Seems like you're still caught in a circle here. Are you comfortable believing that likely 90%+ of men are cheaters? This is so true! About 90% of all heterosexual males have watched, or been watching porn. That means the other 10% ARE LYING!! Raptor also brings up another valid point. You and your girlfriends are sitting about and talking. You start talking about movie and you all admit that a certain actor is HOT! Even though you're in a committed relationship, are you cheating because you openly admit that this guy is hot? That you desire this actor more than your current boyfriend? No, you don't consider it cheating because it's never going to happen. Well, I seriously doubt that porn stars are crawling to be with your boyfriend. He knows it's never going to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) A man watching porn is like a woman buying shoes. It happens. Its a problem when said activity rules over every day activities and relationships. OP, this. When it starts to affect your relationship then be concerned. But the simple fact is that guys do watch porn. I get some of my "ideas" from them. Would it be better if he came back to you and said, "hey, i'd like to try this?" and shared what he saw. i do that with my gf. but, i also do not substitute porn for my gf...uh, uh, no way! when he starts neglecting you for porn, then it's trouble. I must also add, and some may disagree, the frequency in which he watches it is very important. Personally, I would be worried if he needed a fix of it to get through. Once a day may not seem a lot to most, but I, personally, would think it a problem. Even once a day. I would also be a little concerned if he was unable to control the need to watch it. I can go weeks, months w/o watching porn, but that's b/c I, hands-down, want and enjoy the real thing over porn. Edited January 28, 2014 by soccerrprp 1 Link to post Share on other sites
theothersully Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Even the wording here is weird.... •admitted• to watching porn??? That word is normally associated with affairs, guilt, crime, etc.... Watching porn is fine. You are screwing up your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 He's already failed to keep his promise to watch porn. I think this agreement is unreasonable for now. I doubt that he'll be able to live up to the agreement and either you accept that or dump him for it. Link to post Share on other sites
OpheliaSong Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I think the interesting question is why do these guys lie to girlfriends and say they aren't going to watch porn anymore when it is a controlling request? I just can't see girls agreeing to no shopping ever again... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I think the interesting question is why do these guys lie to girlfriends and say they aren't going to watch porn anymore when it is a controlling request? I just can't see girls agreeing to no shopping ever again... Shame. Embarrassment. Guilt. Wishful thinking... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I think the interesting question is why do these guys lie to girlfriends and say they aren't going to watch porn anymore when it is a controlling request? I just can't see girls agreeing to no shopping ever again... In our time, boys are meant to feel ashamed of admiring the female form. When we were kids and we looked at a Playboy magazine, we had to hide it for fear our mothers would have found out and punished us for looking at such trash. So, we were meant to view our sexual curiosity as something shameful and wrong. I guess, that mentality has carried over into adulthood where men have to continue to hide their need for visual stimulation and sexual curiosity. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JanuaryFrost Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Hi JanuaryFrost. First of all I want to say that I'm a guy, and I can 100% say that I can separate porn from a relationship. It's a masturbation aid, nothing more. Of course there are huge ethical issues and addiction can cause problems, but those aren't the issues here. You mentioned that you view porn as cheating. I presume you're imagining the women he's jerking off to as physical rivals. I say this because they can't be emotional rivals, porn scripts are literally too two dimensional for a female character to want to do anything more than strip off her clothes and screw. That's a key factor in separating it - the degree of unreality in porn. Most men are aware that porn is far removed from reality. Believe me, your boyfriend's hand is nothing compared to what you can offer him, not just in the most obvious sense but also in the little things, the breath on the skin, the teasing, the wondering if it's going to happen, the laying together afterwards. A second point is that guys jerk off over whoever they want. Seriously. Girls from the office, girls from college, girls from tv, girls they walk past in the street, shop assistants, girls from church, whatever. So literally every girl you walk past could be a physical rival and going straight into his spankbank. You could even say that if your guy is watching porn it means he's less likely to be beating it over the hot secretary, so you should be more secure in a sense. Seeing and imagining all of these bodies can keep things varied to the guy without actually physically or emotionally cheating (at least in his mind). On top of that watching porn obviously has the chance of providing you guys with new ideas, positions, keeping you horny till you see each other again or whatever. It's not at all unrealistic to think that porn can actually improve your love life and prevent it from stagnating. And I get that it's not nice to think about your significant other fantasising about other people, but we are all human and it will inevitably happen. Other people have commented that there may be self-esteem issues here and they could be right. But a partner doesn't earn trust by not being exposed to members of the opposite sex whatsoever - that's just lockdown. They have to earn it by not acting on things, so all of these little fantasies, every time your partner decides to just imagine it rather than try to act on it, that's a sign of faithfulness. Like I said porn & the sex industry raise a lot of ethical issues and I don't want to sound like I am writing a passionate defence of it, but in terms of your relationship you really do not have anything to worry about if your partner occasionally uses porn. You offer a lot more than porn does, which is why he has gone to the effort of getting a girlfriend in the first place. God. You don't even know how much better you made me feel about the whole situation. Thank you so much. You're absolutely right, they're just sluts. And a real person can offer so much more than any images ever could. Thank you again. Really. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JanuaryFrost Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Seems like you're still caught in a circle here. Are you comfortable believing that likely 90%+ of men are cheaters? Since they watch porn or fantasize about others? If seeing a woman walk by, thinking "dizzam", and wanting to slap her ass makes a man a cheater... then all men are cheaters. You're entitled to your opinion, but he's not suddenly going to all together stop fantasizing about other women. He's been doing it since he was young and it's not an easy habit to break. He may become craftier at hiding it, but in all likely hood it's not going to stop. So do you never think about other men? Ever see a guy walk by and just think "he's hot"? Honestly I dated a girl like you before. When I mentioned (apparently confessed according to her) that I relieved myself from time to time she went off the deep end. Her insecurity issues got worse and it caused a rift in the relationship. She started obsessing about who I apparently wanted to sleep with and accusing me of checking out every girl in sight. Meanwhile I would never cheat, but she could never get past the fact that I found anyone other than her attractive. This of course caused a lot of tension and eventually ended the relationship. In my case it was the best thing for me, she's still crazy and insecure, and I'm marrying my awesome fiancee who doesn't stress about it. She knows I think there are other beautiful women in the world, but she can tell when looking in my eyes who without a doubt is the most beautiful to me. So is it enough to be the most attractive sexy woman to him, or do you need to be the only attractive sexy woman to him? Thanks so much you helped a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JanuaryFrost Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Why do you feel it's a form of cheating? This goes back to something I always end up bringing up with threads like this... When we're little girls, when we're going through puberty, where in our sex education are we taught about male sexuality? Where are we taught about masturbation aids? Porn? Healthy attitudes towards sexuality that aren't filtered by religiosity or traditionalism? Most of us aren't taught to accept this, which is why so many women have issues with it. Worse, many of us are taught that lust is a sin, (i.e. doing so much as thinking sexually of someone else is as bad as actually cheating on that person), that what a man looks at or thinks about whilst masturbation is a reflection on you and your worth as a human being, to equate sex with love... It took me a long time to learn about this, and why it shouldn't matter, but now I have, I can't believe I ever thought that what a man looks at whilst he has an orgasm means anything at all. If you simplify it right down: We all experience a pleasurable feeling when we stimulate our genitalia for long enough. Watching certain material can help us along. So we watch this thing, and reach that climax faster than normal.. It's that simple. It has nothing whatsoever to do with love. It's just a means to an end. Going back to the example I gave earlier: What I masturbate to women, that doesn't mean I want to have sex with women at all. The material I watch, again, is just a means to an end. It doesn't mean I want to ditch my boyfriend and run after big boobed women. I love my boyfriend; what I use during masturbation is just the same as when I watch an action film to get my adrenaline going, or watch a romance film to make me feel all emotional. You could have the most exciting, healthy, happy sex life in the world, and he would still feel the desire to watch porn. The same as you could have the most exciting, healthy, happy life in the world, and still want to watch action and romance movies. It always doesn't really work like: "Sex life is bad, so he's turning to porn"; "Sex life is good, so he ditches the porn". It's an accessory to self-pleasure, and masturbation is very different to sex. Sometimes you might want to masturbate, sometimes you might want sex... it's no biggie, it doesn't mean anything. I know for me no amount of amazing sex will stop me wanting to masturbate on my own every now and then. It doesn't (and shouldn't) represent anything negative about my boyfriend, his attractiveness to me, or our relationship. You're absolutely right..thanks for making so much sense and making me feel better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lixxy Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 You're absolutely right..thanks for making so much sense and making me feel better. Aw! You are more than welcome my dear! I'm just so glad I could help! Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 You're looking for an absolute value judgment on porn but there isn't one. He has a need for it, you don't approve of it. Either you find a way to reconcile those two things, or you move on. If the latter, might want to focus on christian circles. Lots of sexual repression in that group (for better or worse.) Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 As long as he doesn't kick you out of bed so he can enjoy his movies, I don't see the problem here to be honest. If you're already intimate with him, perhaps you could join him in one of his sessions and help him out. Unless he watches that crazy Japanese stuff. In that case I can feel your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Danger Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Watching porn is no more cheating on the side of men than reading "50 Shades of Grey" or "Eat Pray Love" is cheating for women. Both do it because it just attracts them. Men get much more attracted physically whilst women need much more mental stimulation for it. This is why Viagra doesn't work for women, it takes more than just the physical blood flowing on their part. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 God. You don't even know how much better you made me feel about the whole situation. Thank you so much. You're absolutely right, they're just sluts. And a real person can offer so much more than any images ever could. Thank you again. Really. Thanks. He never said anything of the kind, and frankly it's really offensive that you should label them as such. How would you like then to label you a "frigid prude"? They'd be wrong, wouldn't they? So don't be so disparaging about women in this industry. Because if they're sluts, how come so many men actually enjoy watching them? Is that what you think your BF is? A slut-voyeur? Enjoying sluts at their best? Think, before you use such humiliating terminology. It can say more about you, than it does about them..... Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 i just write the lyrics, the interpretation is yours, but i think we can all guess that kiddie porn, bestiality, rape, torture etc would come well within the demarcation of "sicko" porn... If any of these things were done without consent they're straight up illegal and have nothing to do with actual porn. They're completely different things. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 In our time, boys are meant to feel ashamed of admiring the female form. When we were kids and we looked at a Playboy magazine, we had to hide it for fear our mothers would have found out and punished us for looking at such trash. So, we were meant to view our sexual curiosity as something shameful and wrong. I guess, that mentality has carried over into adulthood where men have to continue to hide their need for visual stimulation and sexual curiosity. I don't even know how old you are but this rings true for me too. I remember as a kid me and my brother and my neighbour and his brother were all the same age. We had the same babysitter who lived across the street from us. Anyways one time we were all in my bedroom, playing video games while our parents were gone. Then the one kid pulls out a sports illustrated swuimsuit edition. We were like 6-9 years old and lookin at these pictures. babysitter comes in, sees us looking at this mag and flips out, tells our parents that we were looking at girls in swimsuits. Parents made it all weird, and there were a great number of years where I legit thought being attracted to women was a bad thing. Kids are very impressionable. You gotta watch how you do things around them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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