4 year relationship gone..2 months no contact, going nuts..

[miken650]

This is my first post on here, Please give me your feedback/advice I would greatly appreciate it, as I do feel like I am alone. Its been almost 2 months no contact with my EX. Little background i'm 20 and my ex is 21, she said that she felt she was "babysitting me" because all I cared about was clothes and material things. Another problem was that we spent everyday together. Even if it was only for an hour we would spend everyday together. I've shared nearly 4 years with my ex so if anyone knows her its me. I know that she is easily influenced by what other people tell her. Everyone tells me why would you want to be with someone like that? But the girl was my first love I can't act like don't care. I've been doing everything I can to better myself; lost 50 pounds, focus more on school, started going to church, dress differently. In short, slowly i am building up my confidence. The only thing that is setting me back it thinking about my EX. It's like she has a chain on my and as soon as I start to feel even a little bit better she pulls me back in without her even knowing. I know it's all in my head, but I really have no idea how to get past this...I think it maybe because I see her as the best thing that ever happened to me. Another huge thing is that I play sports with her dad on saturday mornings and it doesn't help that I see both of her parents at church on sundays. At first I would go to church only to make sure her parents saw me, but now I go more for myself.

 

I've spent a lot of times thinking about what I did wrong and have came to some conclusions. Towards the end of the relationship I was VERY controlling. This is something i am ashamed about. This haunts me everyday how bad I was to her. This really made me open my eyes and I would never treat a women like that again. I feel in a sense as ironic as it sounds, i'm paying for how I treated her now. I think the reason I was like that was because I was so insecure about myself. Im 5'3" and was 210 pounds, I would mask my feelings with clothing and would in turn take out how I felt on her (when I felt down I would make fun of her)..I hate myself for that, I had no idea what I was doing with my life as far as a career goes. I was dropping classes in college and had no drive.

 

Honestly, the first month after the break up I was checking instagram like crazy just to see what she was up too. Asking everyone I knew that knew her how she was doing. The second month I saw her and ended up in the ER due to her rejecting me again where they prescribed me pills to control my anxiety which I don't use (scared), I just go to the gym. This third month has been "the easiest", but i'm at a stage where i'm afraid to check instagram (deleted it off my phone), because I don't want to know anything she's doing (mutual friends). Another huge thing about us was because we did spend so much time together all of her friends were my "friends". They all saw us as a package rather then her and I, she also said that she wanted to "be her own person". Since we broke up, i've been the loneliest i've ever been in my life. I don't have any friends. I'm having the hardest time making friends, I don't know how to. I felt I had her why do I need anyone else. Im worried she's forgotten me 100% and has no interest in me at all. She is the type of girl that if I were to contact her she would have to reply (to nice not too), but I don't wanna start at the beginning again. I REALLY miss her (voice, face, everything). I have never been so confused in my life. I really need some help.

 

I need your help LoveShack! I really want her back to call her my girl again, should I continue no contact..or just give up..but don't know if its best..i'm so confused what do you think I should do?

[xUnknown]

The best thing you can do for yourself, and any chance at getting her back, is remaining No Contact. 4 years is a long time to just pass up. Even after 3 months, I'm sure she still thinks about you. You just have to keep positive and stay focused that things will get better - NOT that she will come back (this just gives false hope and prolongs healing - but, that you will get over her. You'll knock her off that pedestal and put yourself first.