How do you know when you're ready to date again?

[somedude81]

The first thing I need to say is that I'm nowhere even close to getting over my ex. I think about her all the time. I miss her so much and check my phone all the time hoping she sent me a text and wants to get back together.

 

But I also have to be realistic, the relationship is dead and odds are I will never see her again.

 

In one week it will be two months since we've broken up. We were only together for six months, but she was the first girlfriend I've ever had, and possibly the first girl I've fallen in love with.

 

To put it bluntly, I'm lonely and miss female companionship. I also miss having sex. She was the first girl I've had regular sex with and it was just miles better than anything I've done before. After being with her I can't go back to a life of celibacy or go back to having sex with a random girl once every couple of years.

 

Earlier today I had a social dance class which I'm taking for the soul purpose of finding my next girlfriend or girl I sleep with. I met my ex in a salsa class around this time last year, which I took just to meet women. We got together in May of last year. So I knew her for several months before we had our first date. I'm pretty sure I can do the same thing this year, but faster.

 

Today was the first time I interacted with a girl and thought to myself, "I want to have sex with her" in a long time.

 

I'm just not sure if I'm ready for sex, or to have a relationship or whatever.

[d0nnivain]

You are ready to date again when you want to share yourself with somebody else because you want to get to know that new person, not just have a warm body fill the hole left by your EX's departure.

[somedude81]

You are ready to date again when you want to share yourself with somebody else because you want to get to know that new person, not just have a warm body fill the hole left by your EX's departure.

 

Can you explain the first part?

 

I want to get to know new people and have a warm body next to me.

[Mrlonelyone]

It depends on what you are looking for.

 

If you mean date as in you find someone you see yourself wanting to marry if things go right. Then a good rule is it takes up to as long as the relationship it self was to get over it.

 

In a relationship for six months. Then be out for at least six months.

 

Married for ten years... be single for five to ten years.

 

Those aren't fact just my observations of other people. Personally I seem to have an R with serious potential within two years of my last R with serious potential. When it's serious it takes me two years to really fully be ready for someone new.

 

In short you'll know when you feel like you've just met "the one".

 

Earlier today I had a social dance class which I'm taking for the soul purpose of finding my next girlfriend or girl I sleep with. I met my ex in a salsa class around this time last year, which I took just to meet women. We got together in May of last year. So I knew her for several months before we had our first date. I'm pretty sure I can do the same thing this year, but faster.

 

Today was the first time I interacted with a girl and thought to myself, "I want to have sex with her" in a long time.

 

I'm just not sure if I'm ready for sex, or to have a relationship or whatever.

 

Now if you mean dating as in dating just to hook up for a while and hang out with no prior expectation of a possible forever... you can do that anytime. sometimes relationships that start that way end up being "the one".

 

I'd say that going to a dance class is a good way to meet women. If she's into you go for it. Don't try to project 20 years into the future or need every one to last forever. Just enjoy the ride and try to keep it going day by day.

Edited January 27, 2014 by Mrlonelyone

[somedude81]

It depends on what you are looking for.

 

If you mean date as in you find someone you see yourself wanting to marry if things go right. Then a good rule is it takes up to as long as the relationship it self was to get over it.

 

In a relationship for six months. Then be out for at least six months.

 

Married for ten years... be single for five to ten years.

 

Those aren't fact just my observations of other people. Personally I seem to have an R with serious potential within two years of my last R with serious potential. When it's serious it takes me two years to really fully be ready for someone new.

 

I definitely don't want to be single for four more months if I can help it.

In short you'll know when you feel like you've just met "the one".

 

 

 

Now if you mean dating as in dating just to hook up for a while and hang out with no prior expectation of a possible forever... you can do that anytime. sometimes relationships that start that way end up being "the one".

 

I'd say that going to a dance class is a good way to meet women. If she's into you go for it. Don't try to project 20 years into the future or need every one to last forever. Just enjoy the ride and try to keep it going day by day.

No, I'm not dating to find the one.

 

Now that I really think about it, what d0nnivain said sounds correct, that I'd primarily be dating to fill the hole left by my ex. Of course I'm not saying that I won't be able to develop feelings for and really care about the new person.

 

If there was anything I could do to get my ex back, I would do it. But right now I really don't want to be alone, and it seems like it will be easier to get somebody new, then to be with her again.

[Raena]

It depends on what you are looking for.

 

If you mean date as in you find someone you see yourself wanting to marry if things go right. Then a good rule is it takes up to as long as the relationship it self was to get over it.

 

In a relationship for six months. Then be out for at least six months.

 

Married for ten years... be single for five to ten years.

 

 

Oh dear me... if I wait as long as my last relationship lasted I'll be nearing retirement age!

 

Seriously though, you'll know when you are ready. It could be next week or next year. Only you really know if you are ready to date again. I'd say that when you stop pining over your ex, then you are getting closer.

[MixedUpChick]

I definitely don't want to be single for four more months if I can help it.

 

You don't have to. If I followed what was in that post, I'd have to purposely stay single another 20 years! I was ready to date again about a year after ending my 24 year marriage, obviously everyone is different but it generally doesn't take as long as you were in the relationship, to get over it. Even my ex got into a new relationship 4 years after our divorce. I've heard of something like a week (or maybe it was a month?) for every year but it's a very individual thing.

 

You'll be ready to date again when you feel interested in someone & want to spend some time getting to know them. If you're starting to have some interest - even if it's just sexual right now - ask her out for a drink & see where it goes. Worse case scenario would be that during a date, you might realize you're not ready & end the date early. But you have to try, to know if you're really ready, so give it a shot!

[somedude81]

Oh dear me... if I wait as long as my last relationship lasted I'll be nearing retirement age!

 

Seriously though, you'll know when you are ready. It could be next week or next year. Only you really know if you are ready to date again. I'd say that when you stop pining over your ex, then you are getting closer.

The issue I have with that thought, is that there's a chance that the only thing that could stop me from pining over my ex, is moving on to a new girl.

 

I seriously don't want to wait a year or more and see if my feelings for die down before I start trying to pursue new women.

[MixedUpChick]

The issue I have with that thought, is that there's a chance that the only thing that could stop me from pining over my ex, is moving on to a new girl.

 

I seriously don't want to wait a year or more and see if my feelings for die down before I start trying to pursue new women.

 

Your relationship with your ex wasn't THAT long, I think if you do start dating, it will help you get over her. But be careful & keep it casual while you're fully getting over her so you don't get too attached to someone just as a rebound. Start out slow, just ask the girl from your dance class out for a drink. If she says yes you can see how it all feels & I think it will ultimately help your healing process.

[pickflicker]

3 months. Always 3 months. Like clockwork. I can't explain it, I just need 3 months and I'm sweet.

 

A word of advice, somedude, you're basically sound like you want to use women to fill your emotional gap. Keep in mind how you would feel if someone did the same to you.

[theothersully]

Dating non seriously asap is the best thing you can do post break up. You forget about the ex faster and get a big confidence boost as well.

 

Just make sure you are honest with those you date and tell them you are just hanging out.

[somedude81]

You don't have to. If I followed what was in that post, I'd have to purposely stay single another 20 years! I was ready to date again about a year after ending my 24 year marriage, obviously everyone is different but it generally doesn't take as long as you were in the relationship, to get over it. Even my ex got into a new relationship 4 years after our divorce. I've heard of something like a week (or maybe it was a month?) for every year but it's a very individual thing.

 

You'll be ready to date again when you feel interested in someone & want to spend some time getting to know them. If you're starting to have some interest - even if it's just sexual right now - ask her out for a drink & see where it goes. Worse case scenario would be that during a date, you might realize you're not ready & end the date early. But you have to try, to know if you're really ready, so give it a shot!

Yeah that makes sense. Just give it a shot.

 

Right now I'm trying to figure out what girls I'm interested in and have them get a little comfortable with me while I find out what their relationship status is. Unfortunately the girl I was most interested in today has a boyfriend. I hope that won't be the case for the other girls.

 

As long as I don't break down into tears during sex I should be OK

 

Your relationship with your ex wasn't THAT long, I think if you do start dating, it will help you get over her. But be careful & keep it casual while you're fully getting over her so you don't get too attached to someone just as a rebound. Start out slow, just ask the girl from your dance class out for a drink. If she says yes you can see how it all feels & I think it will ultimately help your healing process.

Yes, it wasn't that long at all. But I can hold a torch for a woman for a loooong time. So if I don't try to pursue other women, there is a chance I could be missing my ex for years.

 

I definitely agree about starting things slow.

[somedude81]

3 months. Always 3 months. Like clockwork. I can't explain it, I just need 3 months and I'm sweet.

 

Interesting. So I could start dating in March, which doesn't seem that unusual since it will take me a little bit of time to build up rapport with the girls I'm meeting this week.

A word of advice, somedude, you're basically sound like you want to use women to fill your emotional gap. Keep in mind how you would feel if someone did the same to you.

I don't really understand the concept of using women. I will never be the pump and dump guy.

[pickflicker]

Interesting. So I could start dating in March, which doesn't seem that unusual since it will take me a little bit of time to build up rapport with the girls I'm meeting this week.

 

I don't really understand the concept of using women. I will never be the pump and dump guy.

 

There is more than one way to use someone. You've said that you just want someone to replace the hole that your ex left behind. Does that seem like an emotionally healthy thing to do?

[somedude81]

There is more than one way to use someone. You've said that you just want someone to replace the hole that your ex left behind. Does that seem like an emotionally healthy thing to do?

That's the current motivation.

 

Though as I said a few posts ago "Of course I'm not saying that I won't be able to develop feelings for and really care about the new person."

 

In other words, the new girl becomes more than just a filler. I'm pretty sure I would not have any issues becoming emotionally attached.

[MixedUpChick]

I *think* what pickflicker & theothersully are saying is - if you start out just by "hanging out" and take things slowly, you should still make sure the woman knows you're not looking for anything serious just yet, that you just want to start by hanging out because you're not sure you're even ready to date yet.

 

That came out as all one long sentence & I don't feel like editing, but you get the drift? You don't want a woman starting to fall for you when you're not emotionally ready for a "relationship" just yet. You're just testing the waters & you should try to make her aware of that so she doesn't get too invested.

[Disillusioned]

If you have your life together---or pretty close to it---you can put yourself back on the market whenever you choose to. That's the position I'm in these days.

 

My best male friend OTOH went through a very nasty divorce which took 4 years, and he swore right afterward that he was through with women.

 

Now he's at a point where he's just barely starting to rebuild his trust in women (and to be pickier the next time around).

[somedude81]

I *think* what pickflicker & theothersully are saying is - if you start out just by "hanging out" and take things slowly, you should still make sure the woman knows you're not looking for anything serious just yet, that you just want to start by hanging out because you're not sure you're even ready to date yet.

 

That came out as all one long sentence & I don't feel like editing, but you get the drift? You don't want a woman starting to fall for you when you're not emotionally ready for a "relationship" just yet. You're just testing the waters & you should try to make her aware of that so she doesn't get too invested.

That's another thing I need to bring up. I have very limited dating experience.

 

There has only been one woman I've been on more than three dates with, and she ended up turning into my first girlfriend. I've only been on real dates with four different women in my entire life.

 

I've also spent way too much time (and too many girls) just hanging out with girls I never became more than friends with. My thoughts are kind of mixed up.

 

I guess I'm saying that the first "date" can be really casual and just a hangout, but I'm not going to spend time with a girl when nothing will develop between us.

 

Also, I only spend time with girls I'm interested in, so if a girl does start to develop feelings for me, I don't think I'll be able to pull back.

[MixedUpChick]

That's another thing I need to bring up. I have very limited dating experience.

 

All the more reason to take it slow & keep it casual. You don't want to jump into anything serious too soon & have it blow up in your face.

[Raena]

The issue I have with that thought, is that there's a chance that the only thing that could stop me from pining over my ex, is moving on to a new girl.

 

I seriously don't want to wait a year or more and see if my feelings for die down before I start trying to pursue new women.

 

Yes, but what if you get involved with someone else and realize that you still have feelings for your ex and can't let go? It's best to wait until you are SURE you are over it. Otherwise, you'll be liable to hurt someone needlessly.

[somedude81]

Yes, but what if you get involved with someone else and realize that you still have feelings for your ex and can't let go? It's best to wait until you are SURE you are over it. Otherwise, you'll be liable to hurt someone needlessly.

What's the best way to be sure I'm over it?

 

As goofy as it sounds, I kind of still have feelings for a girl I haven't seen in a couple of years. We never dated or even kissed, I was just a friend. I was careful enough to only mention her to my ex a couple of times and only when she was relevant to the conversation topic.

 

So my thinking is when I'm with a new girl, I might talk about my ex a few times but it shouldn't affect a new relationship at all.

 

I think I'm trying to say that I can still have feelings for my ex but it wouldn't have any impact. I wouldn't be emotionally unavailable.

[TheyCallMeOx]

I'm going to say the same exact answer I give to young teenage girls who ask: "when do you know you're ready to have sex?" The answer: when you don't ask that question. I was ready to have sex at the age of 18 because I was willing to accept the risks. I was ready because I found a woman over the internet who wanted to meet up with me, and I had enough privacy to have sex on a comfortable bed without people listening in. Of course, I didn't really analyze those things, I just went with my feeling of confidence. Before I lost my virginity, I was researching sex positions, different condoms, and etc. I was motivated that it was going to be a good experience for the both of us. I wasn't dwelling on the possibility of pregnancy or contracting STD's, I didn't think about whether I was going to regret it, I didn't think about any of the negative things. Over-all, I felt positive about losing my virginity despite lack of previous experience or anything like that.

 

If I had asked myself that question, I wouldn't have lost my virginity. To me, that's an indication of doubt. No race car driver drives a track without trial runs; though they aren't ready to race at first, they ARE ready for the next step by putting their car on the track and actively driving the course. During the trial runs, they'll tweak their suspensions, adjust gear ratios, and things of that nature along with calculating when to brake, how much brake needs to be applied, when to turn, how much to turn, etc. Instead of being asked if they're ready, they'll look at their lap times.

 

I'm no race car driver, but if I could complete a track as fast as possible and not crash, that's good in my book. A race car driver may feel that a lap time of 5 minutes and 30 seconds is a good run, but if they look at the books...the champion completed a lap in 5 minutes and 24 seconds. 6 seconds may not seem like a long time, but if you've got a 6 second lead in Nascar...you're destroying your competition.

 

You don't want to over-estimate how ready you are because we often make the mistake of assuming that we're ready only to realize, down the road, that we really weren't as ready as you thought. You are probably ready for certain things, but I think a lot of us who are in your position feel the same way; I'm certainly ready to stop thinking about my ex-girlfriend and I know that having another woman in my life would help with that, but it wouldn't help her.

 

I don't want to have sex one night with a new girlfriend and a thought pop up in my head about my past and I'm suddenly feeling guilty about it. I don't want a woman looking into my eyes and seeing a change of facial expression from "oh yeah!" to "oh no!" I also don't want to mistakenly call a new girlfriend by my ex's name because that would be an uncomfortable moment. My ex did that initially when we started having sex; she only did it once, but it certainly was an awkward moment.

 

I also don't want to learn about a woman and compare her to my ex-girlfriend because if I do that...then I may consider her differences more of a burden than they actually are. There is nothing wrong with having some differences, but if you compare the differences between your ex and your current girlfriend instead of between your current girlfriend and you, then you're not really giving your current girlfriend a chance. If you fall in love with a woman that is physically very similar to your ex, you don't want her clothing styles, hair style, or any other kind of style to be a certain way. If she asks you "do you like it with my hair down or in a pony tail?" You don't want to say something because your ex-girlfriend looked better with hair down, you want to say that your current girlfriend looks better with her hair down. Hopefully that makes some sense.

 

It also makes me think about the people who are in love with two people at once: I'm a firm believer that you can really only love one person at once. If you're questioning which person you love, I think you don't love neither of them. I think that love is just something that you know. I could probably ask you "when did you know you were in love?" You'd probably have a pretty good idea. I'd ask you "how did you know?" And you would say...ahh....of course..."I just knew."

 

I think that if we under-estimate how ready we are, we'll be able to over-compensate for when we get into an actual relationship. This isn't a situation where we want to over-estimate things; it is far better to spend more time recovering from heart-break than not enough. When we start going back to the dating environment, we don't want to meet a potential life-partner and not be ready for it. We pretty much got one shot to get it right, or else we'll lose that opportunity. I can live with knowing that I ****ed up a great relationship with a woman I truly loved for the first time, but I can't live with knowing that I ****ed up a potential opportunity to date a woman all because I made a decision that I knew I wasn't ready to make.

 

Keep that in mind, my friend...

[OpheliaSong]

I think you really need to get back out and make friends and find some people to do things with like go to the movies or play frisbee in the park...a dance class sounds like so much fun. You have inspired me...I think I will try that this year. You will know when you are ready. You have been through heartbreak but I know you will be okay because you are actually talking about it. You are still a young man. You still have a lot to offer someone if you just let go of the negativity and appreciate people for who they are rather than what they can offer you in emotional support. Deep down I think you are a great guy who has just lost his direction a little.

[Els]

As long as you aren't misleading people and they know it's going to be a casual thing, I think it's fine to go with the flow (ie to think with your penis).

[MissTrudy]

I think you need to casually date people. I am not a proponent of dating multiple people at a time (it just seems like to much work for me hahaha) but you need to meet people and get your mind off of your ex.

 

When I broke up with my first serious bf I thought I couldn't start dating until I was ready to be in a serious relationship... well boy was I wrong! First of all you're probably going to be comparing everyone you date to your ex and your heart is already damaged so you're either going to be too emotionally available or not emotionally available enough. For a few months I just sulked about my lost love and thought about how I could get him back. Then I moved on to seeing other people. But really I was only using them as a band aid for my pain. Indeed, the first guy I started seeing after my ex I just compared to my ex constantly, I thought about what he'd be like long-term, and it didn't work out because I realized I was still not over my ex and I was in the LTR mindset.

 

The next few guys I dates I dated casually and while I still thought about my ex, I was having so much fun with these guys who were cute, respectful, and shared a lot of my interests that I realized through putting myself out there I could meet other people I clicked with and that I deserved a relationship that was better than the one I had with my ex. Then I had to move back to my country, so even though I didn't get a relationship out of those courtships I did mature and now I am ready for a relationship, I just need to find a guy who is ready too .

 

You need to meet people to have fun with and yeah you might get laid in the process and you might even meet someone you want a LTR with but that shouldn't be the goal. Be clear with the girls you date though and don't lead them on. I mean you don't have to say on the first or second date that you're not over your ex and give them your whole life story. What I mean is, don't rush things and keep things casual. If you can date girls who are looking for something casual even better. Best not to get involved with girls who are upfront right away that they are looking for something serious because you both will just end up miserable more likely than not.