How do you know when you're ready to date again?

[somedude81]

Thank you MissTrudy. Your post was very helpful.

 

A lot of what you said makes sense to me.

 

Yeah I need to start meeting girls to really begin the healing process. Odds are the very next girl I date won't become my girlfriend, but that's OK.

[youdunsay]

If you have your life together---or pretty close to it---you can put yourself back on the market whenever you choose to. That's the position I'm in these days.

 

My best male friend OTOH went through a very nasty divorce which took 4 years, and he swore right afterward that he was through with women.

 

Now he's at a point where he's just barely starting to rebuild his trust in women (and to be pickier the next time around).

 

What happen to him and his wife?

[Leigh 87]

It took me about 2 - 3 months to be ready to give another guy a try, but I was still mourning the loss of a person (my ex).

Just because I had accepted he was gone and I genuinely knew I was better off without him, didn't mean I had moved on from the shock of losing him.

I was devastated after my two year break up, however, after the initial " will he/won't he want me back" phase, I KNEW I was SO much better off without him.

 

When I felt like I was much better off without him, had a few casual flings/dating, and I had stopped crying occasionally about the fact I had essentially lost a person; THAT is when I was ready to date.

 

Before that it was just false starts, really. My heart was not with my ex, yet I was still grieving losing him. We were extremely close so... Being over HIM doesn't mean you will stop mourning them.

 

Also - I found myself genuinely falling for a few other guys, from month 3 onwards after my break up.

 

What was disturbing: when things didn't work out with the new guys I genuinely did fancy, I cried about my ex, also - not the fact I wanted him back, but I was still grieving his loss and dating new guys masked that.

 

 

 

You may be ready to move on, but you can still grieve the loss of her even while with new people.

 

Some people think this means you are not ready to move on.

 

Many people discouraged me from dating until I stopped grieving. The thing is, if you are close to another person for years or even mere months, you can get very close. That love/care you feel simply doesn't disappear. You still care very much for them and it is weird not being able to talk to or see this person you still care about.

I met my current boyfriend at a point where I finally stopped having the occasional cry about my ex.

I was very well over wanting to be with "him" months ago! By month 3 or 4 I knew in my heart I would never take him back. Even if single.

Yet I still cried about him occasionally still, just the idea of once being so close to him and then... not anymore. It is painful.

 

 

 

You were with your gf for 6 months and I was with Andrew for a bit over 2 years.. also, we are very different people in all likeliness! Even so, I hope you can perhaps see some similarities or a few warnings signs pertaining to your own dating life.

 

Good luck in moving on, I have read about your urge to multi date.. Well, my advice is: talk to a few women, but wait for a woman who knocks your socks off and where you're like "damn, I can't date other women since she is all I think about"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Always remember; you may be ready to fall for someone, but that doesn't mean you have healed and mourned the loss of your ex....

[Teraskas]

When you're not wasting other's valuable time and effort.

Be it on OLD and real life dating by telling them that you've JUST gotten out of a relationship / have no idea what you're doing there, etc.

It would save those who are genuinely looking for something more a lot of headache.

 

In other words, rushing into something without having taken the time to heal from your past experience.

[somedude81]

It took me about 2 - 3 months to be ready to give another guy a try, but I was still mourning the loss of a person (my ex).

Just because I had accepted he was gone and I genuinely knew I was better off without him, didn't mean I had moved on from the shock of losing him.

I was devastated after my two year break up, however, after the initial " will he/won't he want me back" phase, I KNEW I was SO much better off without him.

 

When I felt like I was much better off without him, had a few casual flings/dating, and I had stopped crying occasionally about the fact I had essentially lost a person; THAT is when I was ready to date.

 

Before that it was just false starts, really. My heart was not with my ex, yet I was still grieving losing him. We were extremely close so... Being over HIM doesn't mean you will stop mourning them.

 

Also - I found myself genuinely falling for a few other guys, from month 3 onwards after my break up.

 

What was disturbing: when things didn't work out with the new guys I genuinely did fancy, I cried about my ex, also - not the fact I wanted him back, but I was still grieving his loss and dating new guys masked that.

 

 

 

You may be ready to move on, but you can still grieve the loss of her even while with new people.

 

Some people think this means you are not ready to move on.

 

Many people discouraged me from dating until I stopped grieving. The thing is, if you are close to another person for years or even mere months, you can get very close. That love/care you feel simply doesn't disappear. You still care very much for them and it is weird not being able to talk to or see this person you still care about.

I met my current boyfriend at a point where I finally stopped having the occasional cry about my ex.

I was very well over wanting to be with "him" months ago! By month 3 or 4 I knew in my heart I would never take him back. Even if single.

Yet I still cried about him occasionally still, just the idea of once being so close to him and then... not anymore. It is painful.

 

 

 

You were with your gf for 6 months and I was with Andrew for a bit over 2 years.. also, we are very different people in all likeliness! Even so, I hope you can perhaps see some similarities or a few warnings signs pertaining to your own dating life.

 

Good luck in moving on, I have read about your urge to multi date.. Well, my advice is: talk to a few women, but wait for a woman who knocks your socks off and where you're like "damn, I can't date other women since she is all I think about"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Always remember; you may be ready to fall for someone, but that doesn't mean you have healed and mourned the loss of your ex....

Thank you Leigh. Yes I am still mourning the loss of my ex. If I look through the pictures of us or spend a little too much time thinking about her I still start to cry. At least I've figured out the signs that it's coming and I can focus my thoughts on something else.

 

I certainly do not and cannot accept that I'm better off without her....And there go my eyes starting to water. I can't even finish that thought.

 

Right now I'm trying to convince myself that she's dead so I'll stop thinking about her and lose all hope of us ever getting back together.

 

I don't know how long it will take for me to start falling for other girls. Frankly I'm pretty apprehensive about falling for another girl because I always end up getting hurt. I've spend a huge portion of my life in emotional pain because of one girl or another.

 

I really don't want to completely fall for a girl unless I know that she loves me. That's the primary reason why I never told my ex that I loved her. I was terrified that she would leave me and wanted her to tell me that she loved me first. She never did say it, and she ended up leaving me. My fears were confirmed.

 

Somehow I need to be able to protect my heart because it's been beaten up way too many times.

 

I now see multidating as a way to prevent myself from being too invested in one girl. I also want a way to narrow it down to to the girl I'm going to have most long lasting relationship with.

 

For once in my life I want to be the one with power and not at the mercy of somebody else. I'm so tired of really caring about girls who end up treating me like dirt.

Edited January 29, 2014 by somedude81

[Leigh 87]

You are definitely not ready to date.

 

You poor dear:( I knew you would get verrrrry upset if she broke up with you.

 

Why are you not better off without her?

Surely, you deserve a girl who is just as crazy about you as YOU are about her?

Sheesh, I was with my EX for 2 years. I adored him and I loved him as much as I do my own family.

Yet as soon as the break up had sunk in, say, one and a half months later; once I KNEW we were never getting back together..

I honestly felt a immense sense of relief.. SUCH a peaceful feeling, knowing I was wayyy better off without a guy who wasn't in love with me the same way I was with him.

You can GET a girl who is totally crazy about you, who says she loves you first or who reciprocates when YOU say it first. You can get all that and more.

Your ex fell short. The way she felt about you was not going to give you a lifetime of happiness.

 

I will tell you one point you have to look forward to; the time when you realise that awful, awful feeling has subsided enough for it to not me totally gut wrenching.

There WILL be a time soon where you realise hey, you are not in this awful cloud of grief anymore.

I have only recently reached that. Although I was over HIM long before that. It took me that long to mourn the loss of a person.

 

 

In regards to multi dating.

 

Well for starters, you are not ready to date. Not until you can believe that you are better off without that girl, who didn't return your love.

When I get screwed over, namely my ex cheating on me with hookers and hundreds of women online, I then proceeded to get hurt again and again with the new guys.

Still, I never gave up and thought " screw it, I refuse to get hurt, bring on the multi dating, I wont me that person who is always less loved and who always gets hurt"

You really need to search deep within yourself, and realise that you are a great guy and you have enough going for you to meet a great girl.

Don't kid yourself; there ARE girls out there who you will meet, and who will knock your socks off. You will not want to date others once you meet them.

I believe in casual dating with people you know you are not crazy about OR full on, head over heels in love sort of feelings you feel early on. I don't do middle ground when it comes to relationships.

 

I have met plenty of men I am into enough from date one so as to not want to date others once I meet them. And then there are the guys who could have grown on me, yet who I didn't give a second or third date to on account of not feeling the special spark.

I only continue dating the guys who I am really into and excited about.

I have a feeling that most guys who purport to know the great benefits of multi dating, if they met a girl who they were REALLY into, they wouldn't just go and want to date other girls.

 

I tend to casual date, aka, have the benefits of sex and great company (sort of like FWB but they are not a long term friend nor will they be after the sex ends).

I casual dated a bit after my long term relationship break up. It was really nice. I found one really respectable guy who was super sexy, super awesome to be around, who took me out to dinner and paid for my meals.

If at all possible, get with girls, but tell them straight up that you are still getting over your ex for now and just want casual albeit classy, fun. Pleasant dinner dates, time spend watching DVD'S together;)

 

Some casual girls can help you. They can make you feel better about yourself, by offering your support and understanding about your situation.

I helped my causal date out. He missed a girl he met on a European tour, yet she lived across the country. I was suffering over my ex and other guys too.

We talked a lot. I helped him grow up a little and our interaction really seemed to benefit us both:)

So you can have fun with casual dating, and meet people that mean something to you, or meant something to you at the time.

 

I personally don't like booty calls or cold hard sex... I prefer a story behind it, with a person who trusts you and at least values you as a person.

[Mrlonelyone]

You don't have to. If I followed what was in that post, I'd have to purposely stay single another 20 years! I was ready to date again about a year after ending my 24 year marriage, !

 

Really because if you read it you would see I didn't say it was something he "had to do",...just an observation of what I've seen people actually do.

 

I've seen people be married for 10 years, start dating again right away and all that. However, when it comes down to it they often aren't really truly over the last 10 years of their life overnight. They are just dating to fill the void.

 

Then I said that there is nothing wrong with dating to fill the void, or rebounding. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it doesn't.

 

 

For me, personally, it takes two years to really get over a serious relationship and be ready for another one. I may meet and date people in between but ....none of those has ever been serious. Not by design but just by my own emotions not being ready for that yet. Even if I wanted them to be.

 

 

SD was on here for quite a while talking about wanting to get a girlfriend and his level of experience and what not. You can read his posting history yourself to see that. I recall he really wanted to find a long lasting relationship. Which is great and good and all.

 

In short it's the difference between dating to get loved VS dating to get laid.

 

[somedude81]

Well today was the second day of my dance class and there is already three girls I'm interested in. As luck would have it, the one I'm interested in the most has a boyfriend.

 

I'm not sure if the other two girls are single. I'm going to try to find out next week.

 

Right now I'm running on pure lust, but that should be good enough for now.

[somedude81]

Wow, when am I going to stop crying over this girl?

 

What is it going to take?

 

No, it doesn't seem that I'm ready to date. But I'm tired of the pain and tired of being alone. I miss having her in my life and I'm hoping that being with anybody will at least help take that pain away. I've been alone for far too much of my life.

 

I wish I could have been married by now. I'm 32, just when am I going to have kids, if I even do? I feel like life is passing me by.

[Leigh 87]

Wow, when am I going to stop crying over this girl?

 

What is it going to take?

 

No, it doesn't seem that I'm ready to date. But I'm tired of the pain and tired of being alone. I miss having her in my life and I'm hoping that being with anybody will at least help take that pain away. I've been alone for far too much of my life.

 

I wish I could have been married by now. I'm 32, just when am I going to have kids, if I even do? I feel like life is passing me by.

 

 

 

You absolutely can still have kids.

 

My bf wants to wait until he's mid to late 30s before starting a family.

[pickflicker]

Wow, when am I going to stop crying over this girl?

 

What is it going to take?

 

No, it doesn't seem that I'm ready to date. But I'm tired of the pain and tired of being alone. I miss having her in my life and I'm hoping that being with anybody will at least help take that pain away. I've been alone for far too much of my life.

 

I wish I could have been married by now. I'm 32, just when am I going to have kids, if I even do? I feel like life is passing me by.

 

As a guy, you have way more freedom regarding that than women. Older Dads with young kids are more and more common. And if you take care of yourself physically, there's no reason why you can't keep up with them.

[skydiveaddict]

I'm just not sure if I'm ready for sex, or to have a relationship or whatever.

 

I just think you'll know by instinct. And quit trying to force sex issue. It just turns most girls off,

[MixedUpChick]

Wow, when am I going to stop crying over this girl?

 

What is it going to take?

It's going to take you, saying "OK, enough of this, time for me to quit pining over someone who doesn't even want to be with me". Clearly you are better off without her since she doesn't want you in her life, you need to accept that. I'm not saying it's easy to just move on, but you're in control of how you think about her & your past relationship, it sounds like you're stuck on what could have been, not what is. The reality is, she doesn't want to be with you, she left. Accept it & stop living in the past. Don't be a victim of your own thoughts.

 

No, it doesn't seem that I'm ready to date. But I'm tired of the pain and tired of being alone. I miss having her in my life and I'm hoping that being with anybody will at least help take that pain away. I've been alone for far too much of my life.

 

I wish I could have been married by now. I'm 32, just when am I going to have kids, if I even do? I feel like life is passing me by.

 

Myself & a few others have encouraged you to casually date. This really can help you get through this, as long as you make it clear to the women you casually date that you're not looking for a serious relationship because you just got out of a relationship. By casual dating I'm not suggesting a bunch of one night stands, but real casual dating/hanging out, dinners, movies, going out for drinks, etc. - whatever kind of dating activities you enjoy. Just be around some other women & spend some time doing fun things & don't focus on sex or whether or not a relationship might come out of it.

 

As far as having kids - you have tons of time. Lots of men my age have in their profiles that they're not sure if they want kids - some of them definitely do, and lots of them want to have them with women much younger than they are. Men have a lot more options for having kids later in life than women do.

[carhill]

Today was the first time I interacted with a girl and thought to myself, "I want to have sex with her" in a long time.

 

I'm just not sure if I'm ready for sex, or to have a relationship or whatever.

 

IMO, give it a try and see what happens. Billions of other people, men and women, do the same thing. In fact, you and me both have probably been the recipients of such 'experiments' over our lifetimes and that will likely continue.

 

I first created a dating profile and contacted a couple ladies about six months after my exW and I split up, had good luck with those contacts (100% success rate!) and dated for a couple months, off and on. I found, by actually doing it, that I didn't miss my exW but, overall, had no real interest in women so let those experiments end. Your result will be completely your own. Good luck.

[ctxinfl]

It has to be different for everyone. My marriage ended suddenly, though I was emotionally ready for it to end at least a year and a half prior after my STBX asked for a divorce twice within a five month window. So I knew it was going to end sooner rather than later and I also knew I was around only because I was a good provider.

 

So I was ready to date again very quickly.

[MrCastle]

From what you write, it seems like you miss the physical aspect of having a girlfriend over the individual aspect of dating this particular girl.

 

Most of this loneliness you feel, at least to me, is missing the regular sex you were getting on a weekly basis for half a year.

 

If you find a girl who is willing to be a fwb, you'll forget this chick's name in no time.

[somedude81]

You absolutely can still have kids.

 

My bf wants to wait until he's mid to late 30s before starting a family.

 

As a guy, you have way more freedom regarding that than women. Older Dads with young kids are more and more common. And if you take care of yourself physically, there's no reason why you can't keep up with them.

You guys are right but it just bugs me.

 

If I had a kid right now, I'd be 50 when it is 18.

 

Realistically, I won't have a kid till at least five years from now.

I just think you'll know by instinct. And quit trying to force sex issue. It just turns most girls off,

That's why I know better than to pressure girls with sex. I doubt it will be an issue.

[somedude81]

It's going to take you, saying "OK, enough of this, time for me to quit pining over someone who doesn't even want to be with me". Clearly you are better off without her since she doesn't want you in her life, you need to accept that.

I don't understand the statement that I'm better off without her.

 

My life now, without her, is certainly not better than when it was when she was in my life. She never lied, hurt me or disrespected me. She only brought good positive energy to my life so how am I better without her?

 

A major problem I'm having in dealing with this loss is that I only have good memories about her. There weren't any bad times. There was nothing about her that I would have broken up with her over.

 

She was my girlfriend and best friend. Then she basically vanished.

 

I want things to go back to the way they were.

 

I'm not saying it's easy to just move on, but you're in control of how you think about her & your past relationship, it sounds like you're stuck on what could have been, not what is. The reality is, she doesn't want to be with you, she left. Accept it & stop living in the past. Don't be a victim of your own thoughts.

Yes, I know what the reality is. I'm stuck on how she used to be, before she suddenly changed into a person I don't know who doesn't love me. I feel like she got switched or something.

 

It's so hard to not to live in the past when it is infinitely better than the present. For six months I felt like I was living in a fantasy. It was better than my dreams.

 

I'm doing what I can to accept that she doesn't want to be with me. And right now that means that I don't try to see her or contact her even though I desperately want to.

 

Myself & a few others have encouraged you to casually date. This really can help you get through this, as long as you make it clear to the women you casually date that you're not looking for a serious relationship because you just got out of a relationship. By casual dating I'm not suggesting a bunch of one night stands, but real casual dating/hanging out, dinners, movies, going out for drinks, etc. - whatever kind of dating activities you enjoy. Just be around some other women & spend some time doing fun things & don't focus on sex or whether or not a relationship might come out of it.

Yes I will try to casually date. Hopefully I'll have some success in getting dates. Though it does feel very weird trying to flirt with girls at school and then crying myself to sleep at home.

 

Another issue is that I'm trying to find a girl that is at least as attractive to me as my ex was and that's actually turning out to be pretty difficult. My ex doesn't have model looks but she is pretty and has the right combination of features that I really like. Very few women I run into are equal or better than her. It's around 4 girls out of 25 in one dance class, and in the other dance class, there are zero girls I'm interested in.

 

If I do manage to go on a date with a girl, how do I bring up that I'm not completely ready for a relationship?

 

Also I really don't want to say anything to a girl that will decrease my chances of sleeping with her.

[JDPT]

I'm at roughly 8 months post BU and I feel as if I'm nowhere near read to start dating. I did attempt to date at around the 4 month mark but it turned out to be painful.

I'm concern that I will go back to the old me, and simply be content with one night stands, that I'm excellent at, dating not so much.

[somedude81]

IMO, give it a try and see what happens. Billions of other people, men and women, do the same thing. In fact, you and me both have probably been the recipients of such 'experiments' over our lifetimes and that will likely continue.

 

I first created a dating profile and contacted a couple ladies about six months after my exW and I split up, had good luck with those contacts (100% success rate!) and dated for a couple months, off and on. I found, by actually doing it, that I didn't miss my exW but, overall, had no real interest in women so let those experiments end. Your result will be completely your own. Good luck.

Interesting how you thought of it as an experiment. That's a good way to be impartial about the experience.

From what you write, it seems like you miss the physical aspect of having a girlfriend over the individual aspect of dating this particular girl.

 

Most of this loneliness you feel, at least to me, is missing the regular sex you were getting on a weekly basis for half a year.

 

If you find a girl who is willing to be a fwb, you'll forget this chick's name in no time.

Yes the sex with her was great and I do miss having regular sex. But it's so much more than that.

 

I miss going to movies, going to the beach, hiking and just grocery shopping with her. Most of all I miss watching TV with her while she has her legs over my lap. She was the first girl in my entire life to ever do that. My ex was a friend, companion and partner.

 

I will remember everything about her till the day I die. She was the fist woman who actually made me happy.

[MixedUpChick]

I don't understand the statement that I'm better off without her.

 

What I meant, was that you're better off without her, because she doesn't want to be with you anymore. Simply that. Obviously when things were good with her, you were better off with her, but that time is in the past.

[somedude81]

I'm noticing something very interesting about myself.

 

During my dance class today I was much more bold, flirty and touchy with the girls there than I have ever been before.

 

It's such a huge change from how I was before I started dating my ex.

 

The pace I'm going, it seems like I'm going to ask somebody out this week or next, which is so much faster than I normally go.

 

While the breakup has really hurt, I've definitely gathered several benefits from being in a relationship with her.

[somedude81]

It's been an odd week for me.

 

As of yesterday it's been two months since my ex dumped me. I miss her so much and she's on my mind 24/7. Sadly I realize that we have no chance of getting back together so my only chance of not being alone anymore, is to try and work on other girls.

 

Due to more issues with my college, I can't officially enroll in the dance class I've been going to and the instructor is starting to be a pain. I have a feeling he's soon going to tell me to stop coming. Sigh.

 

In the class there are three girls that I'm interested in. Unfortunately two of the girls seem to have already paired off with guys and I don't know if I have a chance with them. The third girl hasn't paired off with a guy, but when I walked with her after class she pretty much conveyed to me that she isn't interested. So my top three choices seem to be no go's

 

All that's left are girls who I may be interested and seem nice. There is one girl I'm kind of considering. I'm not as into her as much as the other three, but therei could be something.

 

I do have a few issues with her. For one, she's really tiny, like 5 feet tall or shorter. I've never really had a thing for very short girls. Next, she does ballet like my ex did. And the real kicker, is that her name is the same as my ex's middle name.

 

I know it sounds like I'm nitpicking and I'm probably just bummed that I can't get any one of my top 3. Either way I'll try with her next week and invite her to have lunch with me.

[clia]

All that's left are girls who I may be interested and seem nice. There is one girl I'm kind of considering. I'm not as into her as much as the other three, but therei could be something.

 

I do have a few issues with her. For one, she's really tiny, like 5 feet tall or shorter. I've never really had a thing for very short girls. Next, she does ballet like my ex did. And the real kicker, is that her name is the same as my ex's middle name.

 

I know it sounds like I'm nitpicking and I'm probably just bummed that I can't get any one of my top 3. Either way I'll try with her next week and invite her to have lunch with me.

 

Hold the phone.

 

You have an issue with her because she's too short?

 

Aren't you one of the guys who is always complaining about women not wanting to date you because of your height? Don't you realize that it isn't her fault that she's so short? Don't you realize that there isn't anything she can do about it?

 

I'm sorry, but I'm

 

Do you see the hypocrisy?

[pickflicker]

Hold the phone.

 

You have an issue with her because she's too short?

 

Aren't you one of the guys who is always complaining about women not wanting to date you because of your height? Don't you realize that it isn't her fault that she's so short? Don't you realize that there isn't anything she can do about it?

 

I'm sorry, but I'm

 

Do you see the hypocrisy?

 

Agreed. somedude, do you think you're in a position to be this picky? I would have thought you'd be jumping for joy that she's shorter than you. Do you know what it's like, as a 5 ft 9 in tall woman, how much flak I cop if I dare to wear a pair of heels?

 

You met her at a dance class. Is it surprising that she embraces several types of dance? She can pop on a pair of sky high heels and be a bit taller, if it bugs you that much.

 

To quote Turk from Scrubs: "We're all God's children in the dark."