How do you know when you're ready to date again?

[MixedUpChick]

As of yesterday it's been two months since my ex dumped me. I miss her so much and she's on my mind 24/7.

 

All that's left are girls who I may be interested and seem nice. There is one girl I'm kind of considering. I'm not as into her as much as the other three, but therei could be something.

 

I do have a few issues with her. For one, she's really tiny, like 5 feet tall or shorter. I've never really had a thing for very short girls. Next, she does ballet like my ex did. And the real kicker, is that her name is the same as my ex's middle name.

 

I know it sounds like I'm nitpicking and I'm probably just bummed that I can't get any one of my top 3. Either way I'll try with her next week and invite her to have lunch with me.

 

The parts I bolded actually bother me a lot more than the silly comment about her height.

 

 

• Stop focusing so much on your ex
  
• Stop comparing women to your ex
  
• Stop thinking about your ex
  
• Go out with some women who are nothing like your ex (as far as you know, initially... anyway)
  

[somedude81]

Hold the phone.

 

You have an issue with her because she's too short?

 

Aren't you one of the guys who is always complaining about women not wanting to date you because of your height? Don't you realize that it isn't her fault that she's so short? Don't you realize that there isn't anything she can do about it?

 

I'm sorry, but I'm

 

Do you see the hypocrisy?

Did you see the part where I realize that I'm just nitpicking and I'm planning on asking her out anyways?

 

Either way, while I'll date women of almost any normal height, my preferred range is 5'2-5'7, which covers about 95% of women. My attraction just isn't as strong for women who are outside of that range.

 

Agreed. somedude, do you think you're in a position to be this picky? I would have thought you'd be jumping for joy that she's shorter than you.

Why should I?

 

Even though I'm only 5'6, the vast majority of women are shorter than me.

Do you know what it's like, as a 5 ft 9 in tall woman, how much flak I cop if I dare to wear a pair of heels?

Except for pickflicker's.

 

Has your height been an issue for you at all?

You met her at a dance class. Is it surprising that she embraces several types of dance? She can pop on a pair of sky high heels and be a bit taller, if it bugs you that much.

It's not at all surprising that she does ballet. Several girls in dance classes do. The problem is that my ex was hardcore into ballet. If I met this girl before my ex, I wouldn't have any issue with that.

 

More on that topic in the next post.

To quote Turk from Scrubs: "We're all God's children in the dark."

I love Scrubs

[somedude81]

The parts I bolded actually bother me a lot more than the silly comment about her height.

 

 

• Stop focusing so much on your ex
  
• Stop comparing women to your ex
  
• Stop thinking about your ex
  
• Go out with some women who are nothing like your ex (as far as you know, initially... anyway)
  

And they bother me a lot as well.

 

My ex dominates my mind and I have no idea how to stop that. My hope is that forming an emotional connection with another girl will push my ex out of my mind so I can move on.

 

Normally I'm pretty good at not comparing women to my ex, but girls who do ballet will be an automatic trigger. It was a huge part of who my ex is. Anything I see of ballet instantly makes me think of her.

 

Them having a common name is just weird, thankfully they don't have the same first name. Seriously, how many women are named Myrtle? No that's not the name, but it's one of those rare old lady names.

 

Anybody I get to know well will be compared to my ex. I won't be able to help it. I'll have to make a conscious decision not to.

[pickflicker]

Did you see the part where I realize that I'm just nitpicking and I'm planning on asking her out anyways?

 

Either way, while I'll date women of almost any normal height, my preferred range is 5'2-5'7, which covers about 95% of women. My attraction just isn't as strong for women who are outside of that range.

 

 

Why should I?

 

Even though I'm only 5'6, the vast majority of women are shorter than me.

Except for pickflicker's.

 

Has your height been an issue for you at all?

It's not at all surprising that she does ballet. Several girls in dance classes do. The problem is that my ex was hardcore into ballet. If I met this girl before my ex, I wouldn't have any issue with that.

 

More on that topic in the next post.

I love Scrubs

 

It has been. Guys who are sensitive about their height have projected their insecurities on my because I'm tall. I wear flat shoes must of the time because it's comfortable, bit even a one inch heel provides considerable boost to my height.

[somedude81]

It has been. Guys who are sensitive about their height have projected their insecurities on my because I'm tall. I wear flat shoes must of the time because it's comfortable, bit even a one inch heel provides considerable boost to my height.

Years ago I used to be completely infatuated with a girl who was 5'8. Her height was one of several things that she was insecure about her body.

 

While I did wish she was shorter, I never told her that or made any comments about her height at all. We never got together and I got the impression that one of the reasons why was because she was taller than me.

 

Yeah I was a little insecure about her being tall, but it certainly did not stop me from wanting to be with her. I have a feeling most guys are like that. Especially if the girl is tall, but the guy is still taller.

[pickflicker]

Years ago I used to be completely infatuated with a girl who was 5'8. Her height was one of several things that she was insecure about her body.

 

While I did wish she was shorter, I never told her that or made any comments about her height at all. We never got together and I got the impression that one of the reasons why was because she was taller than me.

 

Yeah I was a little insecure about her being tall, but it certainly did not stop me from wanting to be with her. I have a feeling most guys are like that. Especially if the girl is tall, but the guy is still taller.

 

I've found guys who have been insecure have been few and far between re: height. Still, it is annoying when they become turds about it, because there is nothing you can do to change it! Until I start shrinking in old age...

[Tayken]

I've found guys who have been insecure have been few and far between re: height. Still, it is annoying when they become turds about it, because there is nothing you can do to change it! Until I start shrinking in old age...

 

 

And just to add that no matter how tall or short both parties are, once you are in the boudoir horizontally...height is not an issue anymore....

 

Are you tracking?

[pickflicker]

 

Are you tracking?

 

.....What?

[somedude81]

This is a moment when I really wish that women were the pursuers and men get to sit around.

 

I hate being alone and my confidence and mood are way down due to the breakup. Right now I'm very easily discouraged which obviously doesn't help.

 

It would be so nice if I could make a connection with a girl without having to work my ass off. I have a very strong feeling that if I get officially rejected, it's going to make me crash really hard.

[Els]

 

Even though I'm only 5'6, the vast majority of women are shorter than me.

 

Average height for women in the USA in your demographic is 5'5", according to statistics.

[somedude81]

This isn't a thread about height.

 

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I don't know why, but it's really bugging me that, that girl doesn't like me. Can't she tell that I'm not in the mood to get rejected?

 

Ha ha, yeah right

 

At times I really wonder what I'm looking for. Do I want a new girlfriend, or a rebound?

[MidwestUSA]

This isn't a thread about height.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I don't know why, but it's really bugging me that, that girl doesn't like me. Can't she tell that I'm not in the mood to get rejected?

 

Ha ha, yeah right

 

At times I really wonder what I'm looking for. Do I want a new girlfriend, or a rebound?

She's going to be a rebound. That's not something you can plan out. All of your comparisons to the ex guarantee it. Why don't you find someone who is okay with the idea of some NSA fun?

[somedude81]

She's going to be a rebound. That's not something you can plan out. All of your comparisons to the ex guarantee it.

Yeah that's the feeling I'm having. There's no way to avoid it.

 

Why don't you find someone who is okay with the idea of some NSA fun?

I'd love to.

 

But with it being as hard as it is to find a woman willing to go out with me at all in the first place, trying to find a woman who is also OK with NSA, has a near 0% chance of working.

 

If I do manage to start going on dates, I can't risk screwing it up by talking about NSA stuff, unless she brings it up.

 

All I can do is hope that I'll be OK.

[clia]

You will be okay.

 

Do you have other positive things in your life to focus on right now other than getting a date? Because it seems like you are really dwelling on your break-up and girls, which seems to be making you more depressed.

 

You might be better off for the short term trying to focus on doing other things to keep yourself occupied. Maybe start looking for a job? Take a fun class that is unrelated to your efforts to get a date? (i.e. cooking, fitness, art, etc.) Join some Meetup groups or other social groups in your area? I just can't help but feel from reading your posts that you would be so much happier if you could just get out and meet some people without focusing on whether or not you want to have sex with them.

 

Dwelling on your break-up is not going to get you anywhere. It's been over 2 months. That's one third of the length of your relationship.

[somedude81]

You will be okay.

 

Do you have other positive things in your life to focus on right now other than getting a date? Because it seems like you are really dwelling on your break-up and girls, which seems to be making you more depressed.

No. There is nothing at all positive in my life. Nothing I look forward to doing that doesn't involve girls.

 

I know that being with girls and having sex will alleviate my depression. I actually had pretty bad depression before I got together with my ex, and being with her pretty much got rid of it all. Also being with her was the only thing that took care of my depression.

 

Now that I'm single again, my depression and loneliness is stronger than before we started dating. So here I am looking for the one thing that can make me feel better, another woman. I sound like a druggie.

You might be better off for the short term trying to focus on doing other things to keep yourself occupied. Maybe start looking for a job? Take a fun class that is unrelated to your efforts to get a date? (i.e. cooking, fitness, art, etc.) Join some Meetup groups or other social groups in your area? I just can't help but feel from reading your posts that you would be so much happier if you could just get out and meet some people without focusing on whether or not you want to have sex with them.

I'm currently taking two classes, one hard and one very hard, and I need to do well in both. I don't have the time, or more specifically the energy and motivation to work and do well in those classes.

 

A Meetup or some other social group sounds like a good idea. But knowing me I'm going to focus on what women are there. I don't really have fun in group situations unless I'm interacting with women I'm attracted to. I can still try it. I'll see what's going on next weekend. Right now I need to catch up in my homework as I added a class late and am behind.

Dwelling on your break-up is not going to get you anywhere. It's been over 2 months. That's one third of the length of your relationship.

The length of time that I've been broken up is irrelevant. It's perfectly possible for me to dwell over her for a year or more if I don't do something to get her off my mind. The best way to do that is another girl.

 

I wish I had a FWB I could call up or something like that.

[clia]

A Meetup or some other social group sounds like a good idea. But knowing me I'm going to focus on what women are there. I don't really have fun in group situations unless I'm interacting with women I'm attracted to. I can still try it. I'll see what's going on next weekend. Right now I need to catch up in my homework as I added a class late and am behind.

 

I would strongly encourage you to do this. You need social activities. You need to meet friends. Sign up for a few Meetup groups. You can focus on ones directed at 20s/30s crowd or all ages groups. But don't worry about how old people are going to be or whether there are going to be women you are attracted to. Just sign up and go. I've met so many really awesome people of all ages at Meetup events. It's about expanding your circle. You are also going to need to get a job at some point -- you never know who you might meet at a Meetup who can help you out with that. Look for brunch groups, foodie groups, hiking groups, happy hour groups, singles groups...and groups directed around whatever interests you have (sci-fi, movies, wine, video games, beach water sports, whatever). I think the easiest ones to go to when you are new to it and apt to be less comfortable are the ones where everyone just goes out for brunch, lunch, or dinner. Then you just sit down at the table, eat, and talk to the people around you. It's pretty easy and everyone is looking to meet new people, so the conversation is rarely lacking. (But don't worry about who you are sitting next to or whether you can get close to this girl or that girl.) You also get to try out a new restaurant. But try all different kinds of outings. Don't just go to one and give up if it is boring. The fun you have is largely dependent on how much you put into it and who shows up.

 

I just want to say, though, that seem to do a lot to create your own misery. "I don't really have fun in group situations unless I'm interacting with women I'm attracted to." This is such a defeatist attitude. If that's how you feel, then of course you aren't going to have any fun. But it isn't a waste of your time to go out to eat with a group of new people, even if there is not one woman sitting at that table who you want to date. You might be able to meet people with cool life experiences, travel tales, and perspectives. It's fun to meet new people.

 

Honestly, if your only pleasure in life is derived through women you are in for a lot of heartache. As you are experiencing now, dating can be great, but it is also pretty miserable. You can expect a lot more rejection ahead until you find the right person. It just seems foolish to deal with all of that misery and to not at least try to find other things involving other people that might bring you some joy and happiness.

 

The length of time that I've been broken up is irrelevant. It's perfectly possible for me to dwell over her for a year or more if I don't do something to get her off my mind. The best way to do that is another girl.

 

It matters because at some point you have to stop dwelling on something that doesn't exist anymore. It does you no good. You do not want to be dwelling for a year on a relationship that only lasted six months.

 

The best way to move on is not necessarily to get another girl. It is to stay busy, do things you love, and try to enjoy your life. You cannot put all of your happiness eggs into some woman's basket. It is a recipe for disaster, but many people here have told you that. No woman wants that kind of pressure on her, and you will not have successful relationships going forward with that kind of attitude. So please, I'm begging you, get out there and meet some new people who you don't want to have sex with.

[somedude81]

Somehow I always end up leaving my dance disappointed.

 

The short girl I was considering asking out didn't show up, or if she was there, I didn't recognize her, which says something about my attraction to her.

 

When the instructor started calling roll 10 minutes before the end of class, he stopped rotating and lets people stick with there current partner for about minutes to practice. Lucky me ends up with a girl who doesn't want to stick around and practise. Then I find one of the girls I'm interested by herself, but then I notice that she's leaving so I talk to her a bit and she's taking off to work.

 

Then I look around and every single girl is with a guy, leaving me by myself with nobody to dance with

 

I end up taking off 10 minutes early. And here I was going to class with the intention of asking somebody out or inviting them to lunch with me.

 

Ideally I wanted to buy lunch with somebody in the food court, but I had a feeling things wouldn't go that way, so I brought a bag lunch just in case.

 

Hope for the best. Plan for the worst.