BornToDie Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 To cut things super short - this is the fourth year my boyfriend and I have been dating. In those 4 years, his ex has always been an issue. In the past, neither my boyfriend or I knew what we wanted, so she was a threat... now that we've matured and know we want a future together, she's really just an annoyance. She has a boyfriend, but she still keeps trying to text and call my boyfriend. Reading the messages, they're not pushy in nature, but she does keep asking how he and I are doing, prompting me to believe that she's "keeping tabs." She and I even talked on the phone over the summer, and she reassured me she only wanted to be platonic with my boyfriend. Still, I'm very skeptical. This past week, she was texting and calling my boyfriend, and it caused him and me to get into an argument. He then told me he needed "closure" with her. At first, I flipped out, saying that our long term relationship should be closure enough, but then, after some thought, I reconsidered. I've gotten "closure" with guys I've been involved with, so I figured he at least deserved that with her. I also wanted her to have no hope or intention in her mind at all that she would have a chance with my boyfriend... So I told my boyfriend to man up, say what he needed to say, and get it over with so he and I could move on. The message he sent her went something along the lines of: "Hey. I know we talked recently, but there's an issue I want to address. What you and I had was good while it lasted, but you and I are both at different parts of our lives now, and whatever may have remained of us needs to be burned. You will always be a good friend to me and will have a special place in my heart, but what I have with my girlfriend is amazing, and my objective is to keep it that way. With that being said, we should focus on our significant others. I'd still like to know how you are now and then, but this needed to be said." After I read that, I felt relieved, and my boyfriend said, "I meant every word of it. This is something you won't ever have to worry about again. I love you so much and would never let anything come between us." The message was sent Friday morning. It is now Monday, and she still has not responded. So what does that mean? Does it mean she's let down because she thought she was going to get with my boyfriend? Does she maybe not care? Honestly, I don't give a darn what she has to say because I feel like my boyfriend said all that needed to be said, but I still would've liked her to acknowledge his message. Now she just looks suspicious. However, I now feel more confident than ever in my relationship. I know my boyfriend, and I know he never says anything unless he really means it, so this is a big deal for me. Link to post Share on other sites
burningashes Posted January 27, 2014 Share Posted January 27, 2014 Your boyfriend also has the option of changing his number or email if this is really a big of a problem. When people don't want to be found, they find ways to make that happen. What does it matter whether she acknowledged or not? You wanted them to stop talking, so leave it alone now. When my last ex wanted to stop being friends, I didn't even acknowledge his message and don't plan on it because I'm not going to dignify him with a response after wasting so much of my time. You shouldn't contact her because doing so would only send the message that your boyfriend weren't serious about cutting ties with her. Besides, what are you going to say when you do contact her? "Hey, did you get my boyfriend's message about NC? What do you think?" I'd be "Huh? You wanted me to leave your boyfriend alone and now you're calling me to talk about that?" so don't contact her for any acknowledgement or anything, you really have no reason to do that because you got what you wanted now. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) To cut things super short - this is the fourth year my boyfriend and I have been dating. In those 4 years, his ex has always been an issue. In the past, neither my boyfriend or I knew what we wanted, so she was a threat... now that we've matured and know we want a future together, she's really just an annoyance. She has a boyfriend, but she still keeps trying to text and call my boyfriend. Reading the messages, they're not pushy in nature, but she does keep asking how he and I are doing, prompting me to believe that she's "keeping tabs." She and I even talked on the phone over the summer, and she reassured me she only wanted to be platonic with my boyfriend. Still, I'm very skeptical. This past week, she was texting and calling my boyfriend, and it caused him and me to get into an argument. He then told me he needed "closure" with her. At first, I flipped out, saying that our long term relationship should be closure enough, but then, after some thought, I reconsidered. I've gotten "closure" with guys I've been involved with, so I figured he at least deserved that with her. I also wanted her to have no hope or intention in her mind at all that she would have a chance with my boyfriend... So I told my boyfriend to man up, say what he needed to say, and get it over with so he and I could move on. The message he sent her went something along the lines of: "Hey. I know we talked recently, but there's an issue I want to address. What you and I had was good while it lasted, but you and I are both at different parts of our lives now, and whatever may have remained of us needs to be burned. You will always be a good friend to me and will have a special place in my heart, but what I have with my girlfriend is amazing, and my objective is to keep it that way. With that being said, we should focus on our significant others. I'd still like to know how you are now and then, but this needed to be said." After I read that, I felt relieved, and my boyfriend said, "I meant every word of it. This is something you won't ever have to worry about again. I love you so much and would never let anything come between us." The message was sent Friday morning. It is now Monday, and she still has not responded. So what does that mean? Does it mean she's let down because she thought she was going to get with my boyfriend? Does she maybe not care? Honestly, I don't give a darn what she has to say because I feel like my boyfriend said all that needed to be said, but I still would've liked her to acknowledge his message. Now she just looks suspicious. However, I now feel more confident than ever in my relationship. I know my boyfriend, and I know he never says anything unless he really means it, so this is a big deal for me. What's more suspicious and disconcerting to me is that this wasn't done a long time ago. Four years this has been going on? Oh, hell no. Your boyfriend should have put a stop to this years - literally, years - ago. He could have stopped responding to her. He could've told her to stop contacting him. He needs closure with her after 4 years? That is ridiculous. Why didn't he stop this before now? Anyway, what's done is done. What do you really expect her to say? Why do you need her to respond? I think you're still quite threatened by her, to be honest. I'm not saying your're wrong to feel threatened - your boyfriend has allowed this continue for far too long. But you shouldn't need any more closure. You should be asking yourself why your boyfriend did. EDIT: Back the truck WAY up - I read your previous thread about your boyfriend and this girl. Is this the same girl he cheated on you with? The same on he secretly spoke to behind your back? Girl. At the risk of sounding harsh, grow a frickin' backbone already! Get a clue. This has bad news written all over it and I sadly think you're in deep denial. Edited January 28, 2014 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 She obviously wants to be with him. After 4 years there's no need for closure. It sounds like he doesnt wanna have anything to do with her but she does with him. It doesn't matter cause you're dating him and not her. He should probably just stop talking to her for everyone's sake. He keeps talking to her, it leads her on. It also confuses her, you and it probably on a certain level confuses himself too. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 What's more suspicious and disconcerting to me is that this wasn't done a long time ago. Four years this has been going on? Oh, hell no. Your boyfriend should have put a stop to this years - literally, years - ago. He could have stopped responding to her. He could've told her to stop contacting him. He needs closure with her after 4 years? That is ridiculous. Why didn't he stop this before now? Anyway, what's done is done. What do you really expect her to say? Why do you need her to respond? I think you're still quite threatened by her, to be honest. I'm not saying your're wrong to feel threatened - your boyfriend has allowed this continue for far too long. But you shouldn't need any more closure. You should be asking yourself why your boyfriend did. EDIT: Back the truck WAY up - I read your previous thread about your boyfriend and this girl. Is this the same girl he cheated on you with? The same on he secretly spoke to behind your back? Girl. At the risk of sounding harsh, grow a frickin' backbone already! Get a clue. This has bad news written all over it and I sadly think you're in deep denial. Wait....if the dude cheated on you that's an end call right there. There really is no regaining a solid relationship once someone has cheated. It's degrading, humiliating and it will be in the back of your mind forever. Now if he didn't cheat and I jumped the gun the disregard the last paragraph. Link to post Share on other sites
isisisweeping Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 That message sounds like some sort of cheating has been taking place recently (maybe emotional) and he's ending it. But that the door to hear now and again still makes me wonder how resolute. It doesn't sound like closure from 4 years ago. The message reads like he has been cheating in some form and is worried and making a choice as it were Link to post Share on other sites
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