When hearing someone's life decisions that raise red flags

[irc333]

I was wondering, ever wondered that may be you dodged a bullet because you found out some kind of life choice someone did that would've been a turn off for you or something?

 

There is this one woman I'm friends with, she's about late 40's, and at one time I did want to date her. Later on, I found out she made some financial decisions (or lack there of) that made me think, "Woah, glad I didn't get caught up in that".

 

One time she had to short sell her home, a couple of years prior to that, she had purchased a financing plan for a water filtration system.

 

She had completely forgotten about her payment plan with this flitration system that was installed in the home that was sold.

 

One day she was attempting to use her card to make a purchase, and she was locked out.

 

She called a financial institution about what happened, and turns out she was delinquent on her filtration system that is, of course, no longer hers that's in the house owned by the previous owner and was told she needs to continue to make payments on it.

 

But the MAIN thing here is, how could she have been so clueless to make it even GET to the point where her accounts are frozen. Makes me wonder how can someone forget something that important?

 

This is JUST an example, but were there other things about a person that you may have considered dating that made you think twice about doing so depending on their life choices and decision making processes?

[irc333]

You know what? Someone can make all these horrendous decisions and then some but all is forgiven if they are physically attractive. I can't tell you how many guys were chosen over me who make decisions such as this. These women keep choosing them. Unemployed, max all credit cards, taking out loans. yet they were more fun and better looking. So I got the fake let's just be friends speech or she just disappeared. I hear you.

 

lol...yeah, some people don't think that the person you're dating is in debt to their eyeballs, just hope they don't pull you down into their financial burdens

[JourneyLady]

I've made decisions that seemed wise at the time, but due to unforeseen circumstances didn't turn out so well...

 

For instance, I may have to short sale MY house soon. In this economy a lot of people are having to do that, particularly in some areas more than others.

 

The house I bought had a neighbor across the street and next door and behind (it's on a corner lot). The house across the street burned down and is a pile of rubble now. The lot next to it that had been a pretty field got razed and turned into a storage container parking lot. The house next door's occupants died over three years and the new owner it was deeded to, tore it down, put up industrial fencing and rents it out to landscape equipment companies.

 

So there are no actual neighbors there now. The house was burglarized while I was away -- I no longer felt safe there as a single woman and after getting the doors repaired, put it up for sale.

 

It has saved me tax money rather than renting, but because of the blight around it, is no longer able to bring the price it should. I moved myself and my stuff to where I wanted to be and feel much safer. It turned out to be a bad "financial" decision, but moving has probably saved my life.

 

I don't think even Suze Orman would have argued with my decision to move...

 

I want to add that I have debt from the relationship I was in and some bad decisions there, but I don't plan on getting married (if I meet someone worthwhile) until those debts are paid. I could, if I really needed to, pull out money from IRA and pay it all off, but probably won't be doing that.

 

My ex-husband controlled all the money and I had not been used to dealing with it at all. That happens to a lot of women. IT takes some experience to get used to doing it well if you have been left out of the decision making. (I do not buy expensive nail treatments, hundreds of shoes, or any of that kind of expensive stuff...)

Edited January 27, 2014 by JourneyLady

[JourneyLady]

Meh... I should quit answering this stuff. I'm always sorry I entered these sorts of things.

Edited January 27, 2014 by JourneyLady

[todreaminblue]

I raise red flags on people who sit in judgement of others choices without knowing the whys and how comes.........and then laugh over anothers unfortunate situation and say hah dodged a bullet there................unattractive.....deb

[HokeyReligions]

Responding to OP - yeah. Isn't that what dating and getting to know each other is all about? If financial decision making is in my top five priorities and I'm more often successful then it would be a red flag to date someone whose financial decision making is in their bottom ten, and they take greater risks and dont mind losing. Our definitions of "successful financial planning" probably are not going to align.

 

I would probably be a red flag for them. If someone is nonchalant about their finances and maybe take risks that I wouldn't - I would probably stress them out. Then again - its only money. It has no personality

[Disillusioned]

The first woman I ever dated was one who made some bad decisions... she constantly wanted to have sex, smoke pot, drive stoned, get into trouble at concerts, etc etc.

 

Years later I figured out that she had what psychs call a "pleasure-centered personality".

[theothersully]

My list of requirements in a partner is embarrassingly small :

 

1) A good person

2) That I find attractive.

 

 

The end.

[Tayla]

Retrospect is always 20/20.

 

Just sometimes we need an optomistrist to help us see the reality of the situation when we are in it.

[pickflicker]

So you've never made mistakes ever, OP? People don't deserve a chance to redeem themselves from poor judgment?

[irc333]

So you've never made mistakes ever, OP? People don't deserve a chance to redeem themselves from poor judgment?

 

No, there are some people who never redeem themselves. I'm pretty good on keeping a steady head when making financial decisions. I tend to stay away from those who have serious debt going on in their lives. I prefer someone who is financially responsible as I am.

[Disillusioned]

Unfortunately some people aren't going to learn about hornets without getting stung by them.

[irc333]

Unfortunately some people aren't going to learn about hornets without getting stung by them.

 

Yeah, when I hear how a woman mentions she's in "default" with her creditors or loans, it raises red flags with me. Financial stability is a biggie with me.

[No Limit]

Oh yeah. The very first guy I was in love with, the "cool boy" in class.

Once he was out of school things apparently turned worse and worse. Today he looks like a half-punk with dirty clothing and I always wonder how I could have ever developed any sort of feelings for this guy.

And yet, anytime I hear his voice I feel tingles. Damned hormones.

[Khyla]

Oh yeah. [...] I always wonder how I could have ever developed any sort of feelings for this guy.

And yet, anytime I hear his voice I feel tingles. Damned hormones.

 

Yup!

 

I think my brain is between my legs. When it comes to being up close, smelling them, hearing them, feeling the pressure and energy of their touch, all rational thinking goes out the window!

[KathyM]

I think it's important to consider a person's financial management as a whole, and not just focus on one temporary thing. A lot of people got burned in the recent recession and housing market crash, through no fault of their own, and which they could not have predicted. My daughter-in-law's mother had bought a house when the market was good, thinking it was a good investment, since real estate is usually one of the safest investments out there. After a few years, she relocated to a city a hundred miles away in order to take a good job in the new city, which she did not want to pass up. She tried to sell her old house for several months with no luck, and because the bad housing market did not recover, she ended up having to lower the price of her house and short-selling it. She could not sell it any other way, and she could not afford to pay two mortgage payments. She has an excellent job and has never had any financial issues prior to this. Her credit rating took a hit because of the short sale, but I certainly wouldn't call what she did to be poor financial management.

 

 

My nephew had an excellent job and then got laid off when the economy plummeted. After over a year of looking for something in the same field and living on his unemployment compensation, he found another really good job in another state, so he relocated. He tried for many months to sell his house, but there were no buyers because of the bad housing market. He was seriously considering a short sale, since he could not afford to pay two mortgages, but eventually decided to rent out the house. He has always managed his money well and lived very frugally. Would he have been considered a poor manager of his money if he had not been able to find renters for his house and ended up short selling it? He made an excellent income, both with his previous job and the one he took in another state, and has always managed his finances well.

 

 

Both of the people I described have excellent jobs. Both have managed their finances well. Both got stuck with a house that couldn't sell because of the bad housing market that has lasted for several years now and is only now starting to recover. I'd hardly call them a poor relationship partner just because they got burned in the bad housing market. I think you have to look at the circumstances and consider their financial management for the long term, not just take one incident that was beyond their control.

 

 

I know another family that short sold their home after a lifetime of good financial management. They bought their house when the market was good, and when the housing market tanked, they could not sell it when they wanted to downsize after their kids had gone off to college. Should they have stayed in a house that was now too big for that empty nester couple? It's predicted that homes will not recoup the value they had for another ten years. Should this couple be required to stay in the house for another ten years until the market recovers? They elected to short sell their home so they could move to a house closer to their work, and which was a downsize now that their kids are all living on their own.

 

 

What about a person who had managed their finances well all their life, but then they had an accident and needed emergency hospital care, and their health insurance would only cover 2/3rds of the hospital bills, causing the person to have to file bankruptcy to discharge the hospital bills that they could not pay?

 

 

Stuff happens in life, despite one's best efforts to make good financial decisions. That doesn't make them a poor candidate for a relationship. Ten years ago, my husband and I were victims of identity theft, where a criminal stole bank account information and racked up $75,000 in debt on our credit line. It took us over a year to get our finances straightened out, and we had to close those credit lines so that they could no longer be fraudulently used. That was certainly no fault of our own. I think you need to find out a person's history of money management to determine if they would be a good relationship partner, and not just rule them out based on one setback. I also know a young man who is a very intelligent man with great character and a wonderful husband. He's the son of a friend that we've known for several years. He filed bankruptcy after starting a company that did not ultimately succeed. A temporary setback for him, but he is now very financially sound, with a good job and is a wonderful husband.

 

 

My point being, don't be so quick to raise that red flag. Many people have setbacks through no fault of their own, which are a normal part of life, and you should consider their financial management as a whole, not just one event.