LDR = Expensive!!

[theothersully]

So i just got into a LDR.

 

I had a crush on this girl last year and we went our separate ways after some magical times together... and hooking up. We both had other stuff going on.

 

Well, now she finds me on Facebook and really, really starts pursuing me. I liked her before, when we hung out last year, but it was too soon after my divorce. Wasn't ready.

 

Now I'm ready and she arrives like magic.

 

Only problem is business has been a little rocky and I am in the middle of a $300,000 boat build project as well. So money is tighter than normal right now. Payroll to meet,etc....

 

It is costing me $1500 for her to visit for the weekend. Her flight is $500, there are other expenses and i have to buy her a winter jacket, etc since she doesn't own jackets with long sleeves even....lol From the deep south.

 

So I'd love to start seeing her regularly and stuff, but I can't do that until the boat is done, from a geographical standpoint. I want to see her often, but $1000 per visit.... might as well just get her a place up here, right?

 

What are other people doing about the cost of ldrs? How do you afford the massive budget hits???

[Tayla]

Real simple, any time I've visited the person of interest, its at my expense, not theirs per se. ALthough they did cover the dinners out and a concert. I paid for my travel expenses and car fare. There is a level of being hospitable to a guest visiting and being taken for a ride. I would set the boundaries early to ease the relationship by stepping up and paying my share. The other person would do the same when they visited my town. It worked out splendidly. We curbed our budgets when needed and certainly understand the financials of the other. My LDR lasted 2 years and not a regret goes by on how we spent our time to be there for one another. In between seeing one another we phoned, wrote letters and shared gifts. One thing time cannot buy is the efforts we put into cherishing it.

 

Your hospitable ways of paying for her are commendable yet I would caution you that you are setting the stage for future expectations....

[FitChick]

I don't see why it would cost you $1000 for one weekend. Are you buying her a fur coat and taking her to the Ritz? Winter coats are on sale now. You could pay for half of her flight if she's really broke.

[soccerrprp]

Well, my situation is different from many. I'm in a LDR and I am the only one who travels (flies). My gf is terrified of flying and is living in a city where she has little or no support, so getting away would be very difficult at best. But, when I (and my kids) go to her, she spoils us. I don't have to worry about any other expenses if I choose. I also look at it as an investment, not loss. You have to also be smart and budget, plan. Don't go broke doing the LDR. Yes, it's dented my finances, but not to the point and nor will it, that it is not recoverable in the short term. An investment....

[Tayla]

I gave up on OLD because everyone is long distance... I refuse to pour cash into planes, trains, and automobiles in addition to roses, candies, jewelry, dinners, etc. Who the hell can afford it?

 

Sorry to say but unless you live in the antartica or a remote island I'm not sure that "everyone" is that far away.... Just found that comment amusing in away. As to the roses, candies, jewelry....What kinda person does that anyways??? I was happy with a dandelion picked and a snickers bar....But then material things are not my reason for relationships of genuine regard.

 

Those who can afford it, do, those who can't ..make do.

[theothersully]

This girl is 19 turning 20. Comes from a kind of poor area. She really, really likes me and I felt the same way about her last we saw each other.

 

As the older guy, it is, unfortunately, my responsibility to step up to the financial plate when it comes to seeing each other. She has no career yet, but is almost a personal trainer. A few weeks left and she will be.

 

So... here are the costs.....

 

$500 flight.... her airport is ridiculous expensive

$350 hotel..... complicated to explain, but necessary. I live in an rv up here right now while i wait to move into the new boat. she has been in the rv, but it is not the right environment, or very clean for a date.

$200+ coat, hat, boots

$500 entertainment budget (this is nyc)

 

So.... it's a killer. I would have went to visit her, but it is super hard to get away more than sat or sun for me.

 

 

All I know is this is crazy expensive, and there isn't really any way to reduce this stuff.

[tem7074]

Ah yes, my LDR was with a younger gal who was not very financially solvent shall we say. But her city is much more interesting than mine, so I always went there and stayed at her place. (In retrospect perhaps that was not the best idea?) Anyway, still couldn't really get away with less than $800 per trip though if you want to go out on the town. And keep in mind that this is $800 for just the weekend! So yea, $1000 is not that for off. But sounds like she will be staying longer?

 

You might be setting a dangerous precedent though - she might expect that kind of treatment each and every time. Going to visit her would probably be cheaper, though there is something to showing a southern girl NYC.

 

Buying her the winter gear seems a little over the top since she'll never use it in the deep south. Maybe never leave the hotel? Or buy the coat from Goodwill? haha

[ASG]

This girl is 19 turning 20. Comes from a kind of poor area. She really, really likes me and I felt the same way about her last we saw each other.

 

As the older guy, it is, unfortunately, my responsibility to step up to the financial plate when it comes to seeing each other. She has no career yet, but is almost a personal trainer. A few weeks left and she will be.

 

So... here are the costs.....

 

$500 flight.... her airport is ridiculous expensive

$350 hotel..... complicated to explain, but necessary. I live in an rv up here right now while i wait to move into the new boat. she has been in the rv, but it is not the right environment, or very clean for a date.

$200+ coat, hat, boots

$500 entertainment budget (this is nyc)

 

So.... it's a killer. I would have went to visit her, but it is super hard to get away more than sat or sun for me.

 

 

All I know is this is crazy expensive, and there isn't really any way to reduce this stuff.

 

I'm sorry to say, but... there really IS!

 

Maybe the 500 for the flight can't be avoided, but every thing else?? I mean... NO, you DON'T need a 350 hotel. Or a hotel at all! Specially if she's already been in the RV. Just clean it up and man up!

The coat hat and boots... I mean... come on! Why are you paying for that? And it can be cheaper than that as well. Boots and coats will be on sale (and don't have to cost 100 each!) and you shouldn't pay more than 10 for a hat, really!

 

And 500 for entertainment? Really? For a weekend? You can reduce that by at least half without a problem! And, honestly, seeing as you're paying for everything else. she should really be chipping in on the entertainment, no?

 

So, all in all, your weekend could be:

500 flight

100 coat/boots

250 entertainment.

 

That's a grand total of 850, which is almost half of your initial budget.

[FitChick]

Google cheap restaurants and sights to see for free or inexpensively. If she's never been, it will all be new. She doesn't need to go to a Broadway show. At her age she wouldn't appreciate it anyway.

 

Google airbnb and there is another service that is similar where you rent a room in someone's apartment or even a whole apartment for far less than a hotel. You can get really sweet deals, especially in the winter since no one wants to go to NYC in the winter. Reviews and photos are posted on the website so you know what you are getting. A friend of mine in London rents out his flat when he is traveling on business for a week or more.

 

She can buy her own hat and gloves or even borrow some.

 

If you keep spending lots of money, she will come to expect it, not because she is a gold digger but because you won't say, due to pride, that you can't afford it. Then you will become resentful and the relationship will end.

[Els]

I'm sure you can get a coat and hotel for a MUCH cheaper price, as ASG stated.

 

Aside from that, yes, LDRs are still expensive. When I was in one, our flight tickets alone were about $2000 return (international flight halfway across the globe). There are ways to cut down on the expenses a bit, but they will still be there.

[InnocentMan]

LDR's are a total ballache, and this doesn't even sound like one. If she can't afford to contribute anything to it, then it's not really going to work in the long-term. It will only last until you're broke. She seriously can't raise at least half of the airline ticket? $250?

 

You'll be back on here in a few weeks saying you blew 2k, and never even got a feel of a tit.

[Els]

LDR's are a total ballache, and this doesn't even sound like one. If she can't afford to contribute anything to it, then it's not really going to work in the long-term. It will only last until you're broke. She seriously can't raise at least half of the airline ticket? $250?

 

You'll be back on here in a few weeks saying you blew 2k, and never even got a feel of a tit.

 

 

It's quite reasonable for the person NOT flying to be the one sponsoring the costs, as they are not the one spending hours or even days in transit/on flight. Not all couples do this, but it isn't necessarily a bad thing.

[InnocentMan]

It's quite reasonable for the person NOT flying to be the one sponsoring the costs, as they are not the one spending hours or even days in transit/on flight. Not all couples do this, but it isn't necessarily a bad thing.

 

That's why I said they are generally more trouble than they're worth. There's no correct etiquette on who should pay, especially when it's hardly been established as a real relationship. I don't see how the slight inconvenience of being the one who travels, should be rewarded with what is basically a gratis holiday.

 

I do think a willingness to bear some of the cost bodes well for any future plans. Having one person pay for everything creates an unequal balance right from the get-go. I've been in a similar situation, where a clear relationship wasn't already established, and the woman insisted on paying all her travel costs. I kinda respected that, and treated her accordingly upon her arrival.

[gaius]

It used to run me around 500-750 for 3 days with my ex. I could usually get airfare for under 100 each way, 2 nights at a decent hotel on priceline ran about 100 each night, and then meals/movies/activities about 50-100 a day. And she lived in a pretty nice area which meant a premium on everything. 1 scoop ice cream cones were $4 something one time! Sometimes you can luck out and plan around times where prices are even lower. I flew from Tampa to Boston for 65 bucks one time and got a 3 star hotel for 60 a night on another occasion.

 

If she doesn't have a coat why don't you just go see her. If the airport is THAT expensive find the next closest one and go there instead, rent a car and drive. Check out train rates and schedules. I used Amtrak instead of flying for the Philly trip and saved myself 200 bucks easy. And as everyone else said, cut down on your entertainment budget. I think the only time I ever came close to that was on our first date when I took her to the nicest restaurant in Philadelphia that didn't have a dress code and even then I spent under 200 that day, movie and cab rides included.

Edited January 28, 2014 by gaius

[gaius]

By going to see her you can get away with cost saving measures you couldn't if you're bringing her to you. I used to just pass out at the airport the last night to save $ on a hotel and take a flight home early the next morning. 100 extra bucks in the bank. Often the earliest flights are the cheapest so that works out too. Asking your girlfriend/f-buddy to do something like that, not so cool.

 

If she's somewhere warm and you're somewhere cold it's madness to bring her to you anyway. Go enjoy the beach for a while and make fun of your friends for their suffering when you get back.

[Els]

I don't see how the slight inconvenience of being the one who travels, should be rewarded with what is basically a gratis holiday.

 

Have you ever flown long-haul before? I assure you it isn't just a 'minor inconvenience'. All that hassle might be worth it for an 'actual' holiday, but going from a warm climate to a place in the dead of winter is really not most people's idea of a holiday. Chances are that the only reason she is going to begin with is to see him.

 

Add that to their relationship dynamic (him being an older man dating a 19-yo girl), and I don't see anything wrong with him being the one to pay for the flight.

[theothersully]

Elswyth, that is exactly right. She hates the cold. She is only coming to see me and naturally, I am going to get her a few winter things because she knows nothing about what 10 degrees is an d I care about her, so want her to feel comfortable.

 

Maybe not being a d#ck and caring about other people vs just myself is why I have so many girls in my life... hmmmm... go figure.

 

I'm not sure where many cost cutting idea posters live or if you travel much, but this is Manhattan. I already have the cheapest hotel at $350 for the weekend.

 

the other airport to fly her out of is 2 hours away and like $100 difference. It just costs $500 to fly her. No getting around that.

 

$500 for going out to drinks, meals, cabs, museums, stuff like that... is pretty normal here. Have you ever been? Last out of town guest cost me a grand too. This is why guys hire escorts. Way cheaper. lol

 

To whoever was talking about boob grabs for $1000 ($1500, i think), I've already had sex with this girl a couple times. So... I'm assuming if she wants to come see me, I'll be doing that again. I also don't think like that at all. My money spent is for the time we will be able to spend together, not a sex act.

 

I really think visiting her area next time will be much cheaper, but it is hard to get away for more than just Sat/Sun for me for a few months. Traveling Sat eats up a ton of time, you get one evening, then traveling back Sun. Sucks.

 

So I guess this stuff is just expensive.

 

There is definitely a precedent being set, yes. But, I cannot expect someone who is just starting out in life to pay for this kind of stuff when she has no income yet. Sometime this year, my boat should be done. At that time, my financial drag and hosting issues will be over. She can easily come visit the boat with next to no cost at all. It's a "4 bedroom, 4 bathroom" boat, so plenty of room. Not that she gets her own room!!!

 

But I never really stopped to think just how expensive long distance is.

 

Next chance I get, if things are going well, I will just go to her area by plane and even by rv if i can get some free time. Nothing cheaper than going by rv. Then she can visit the boat later. For now, it is ridiculously expensive.

[Els]

Well, then, view it as a one-time expense. Future visits should be cheaper, as there will presumably be no need for new gloves and coats all the time.

[theothersully]

And yes, I may be rounding up on the winter clothes. I forget how cheap women's clothing can be.

 

I will go to TjMaxx for that stuff. Can't go to Goodwill since she is a size 0 and you don't find them so easily. I will go to Goodwill to *donate* the coat eventually though.

[Els]

I got my winter coat for $100. It was on sale and winters here are milder though.

 

All the best, sully!

[theothersully]

I got my winter coat for $100. It was on sale and winters here are milder though.

 

All the best, sully!

 

Thanks, Elswyth!

 

I like the "one time expense" rationalization. Works for me! Ha ha ha

[soccerrprp]

Elswyth, that is exactly right. She hates the cold. She is only coming to see me and naturally, I am going to get her a few winter things because she knows nothing about what 10 degrees is an d I care about her, so want her to feel comfortable.

 

Maybe not being a d#ck and caring about other people vs just myself is why I have so many girls in my life... hmmmm... go figure.

 

I'm not sure where many cost cutting idea posters live or if you travel much, but this is Manhattan. I already have the cheapest hotel at $350 for the weekend.

 

the other airport to fly her out of is 2 hours away and like $100 difference. It just costs $500 to fly her. No getting around that.

 

$500 for going out to drinks, meals, cabs, museums, stuff like that... is pretty normal here. Have you ever been? Last out of town guest cost me a grand too. This is why guys hire escorts. Way cheaper. lol

 

To whoever was talking about boob grabs for $1000 ($1500, i think), I've already had sex with this girl a couple times. So... I'm assuming if she wants to come see me, I'll be doing that again. I also don't think like that at all. My money spent is for the time we will be able to spend together, not a sex act.

 

I really think visiting her area next time will be much cheaper, but it is hard to get away for more than just Sat/Sun for me for a few months. Traveling Sat eats up a ton of time, you get one evening, then traveling back Sun. Sucks.

 

So I guess this stuff is just expensive.

 

There is definitely a precedent being set, yes. But, I cannot expect someone who is just starting out in life to pay for this kind of stuff when she has no income yet. Sometime this year, my boat should be done. At that time, my financial drag and hosting issues will be over. She can easily come visit the boat with next to no cost at all. It's a "4 bedroom, 4 bathroom" boat, so plenty of room. Not that she gets her own room!!!

 

But I never really stopped to think just how expensive long distance is.

 

Next chance I get, if things are going well, I will just go to her area by plane and even by rv if i can get some free time. Nothing cheaper than going by rv. Then she can visit the boat later. For now, it is ridiculously expensive.

 

I like your attitude. What about getting a hotel away from the NYC area, someplace cheaper and meeting there instead? I didn't read all of the thread, but why a hotel? What about your place?

 

I have to admit that my gf makes tons more money than I do. She has offered to help pay, but I have declined. Just the other night I asked her how she wanted to help and she was open and generous. The thing is, for me, I am okay financially and can manage, but I also recognize that I needed to let her know how I appreciate her offer. I declined again. Pride, no. Investment AND not wanting to be what her past relationships have been like....guys leeching off her. I want to stay away from that impression AND can afford to do so.

 

Your understanding of the circumstances and willingness to suck it up is commendable. It's an investment, no?

 

Again, I like your attitude.

[carhill]

What are other people doing about the cost of ldrs? How do you afford the massive budget hits???

 

Been awhile but back in the day I budgeted for the process before embarking upon it, meaning pursuing distance relations. IIRC, my initial budget was around 20K with 50K projected out to any K1-K3 options. This was around 20 years ago, so round up for inflation.

 

Then I learned how to travel for cheap or free, skills which still serve me today. There's a whole subculture to the travel game and, like any other pursuit, the more one learns, the better one gets at it and the skillset is good for life. I went on to trade my skills for free travel from people I helped. Everyone wins.

[theothersully]

I like your attitude. What about getting a hotel away from the NYC area, someplace cheaper and meeting there instead? I didn't read all of the thread, but why a hotel? What about your place?

 

I have to admit that my gf makes tons more money than I do. She has offered to help pay, but I have declined. Just the other night I asked her how she wanted to help and she was open and generous. The thing is, for me, I am okay financially and can manage, but I also recognize that I needed to let her know how I appreciate her offer. I declined again. Pride, no. Investment AND not wanting to be what her past relationships have been like....guys leeching off her. I want to stay away from that impression AND can afford to do so.

 

Your understanding of the circumstances and willingness to suck it up is commendable. It's an investment, no?

 

Again, I like your attitude.

 

Thank you. I travel constantly. I live on boats normally, but have one under construction right now. I don't really care for houses, apartments, being stuck in the same grocery store/work/home loop. Drives me nuts. So, while i am awaiting the completion of the new boat, I am living in a small RV i built. But, I'm stuck working in Manhattan right now.

 

Thing is...? the suburbs are just as expensive right now. The Superbowl is here this weekend. So, I got a great deal at $350 for 2 nights at a hotel. They are mostly all sold out now.

 

Hotel is necessary because i have been working, staying in some company housing and the rv is cold, dirty, etc.... good for man living, but not a good impression on someone you are still trying to make a good impression on.

 

So i guess it's more of a 1 time investment.

[theothersully]

Been awhile but back in the day I budgeted for the process before embarking upon it, meaning pursuing distance relations. IIRC, my initial budget was around 20K with 50K projected out to any K1-K3 options. This was around 20 years ago, so round up for inflation.

 

Then I learned how to travel for cheap or free, skills which still serve me today. There's a whole subculture to the travel game and, like any other pursuit, the more one learns, the better one gets at it and the skillset is good for life. I went on to trade my skills for free travel from people I helped. Everyone wins.

 

Gotcha. No k1 or K2 here, since although her area of the usa seems like a different country to me, she is still here.

 

I do travel nearly constantly for very little money on boats and RVs, but... this is her coming to me. The whole trip, for about a month, if I went to her, would be about $1000. Work is holding me in Manhattan for a few months though.