5 months on

[yorkie]

hey guys i havent been on here for a while i needed my own space and not to think about things but as promised i have come back to post my experieinces and tbh get moral support to. 30th August me and my ex split we had been together for 13 years say. she said she didnt love me anymore and moved back to her mum n dads. i begged and cried for 2 n half months. then i thought feck it i was making things worse. in my heart i thought there was someone else and i decided i had tried my best and i finally accepted it was over. yes i had and maybe still have feelings for my ex but i do not want her back!

 

sounds easy now doesnt it well it isnt. because we have two kids who live with me yes live with the man things have become difficult. i started seeing someone 2 months ago rightly or wrongly i did, as soon as i said i was seeing someone my ex said she had been asked out by a guy from work. she says she has only been seeing him since early december and yet she is now moving in with him in the next few weeks when a house becomes available. thing is she has moved 10 mins away from me which is hurting which means they will be using the same local shops as me. this is so pain ful and also she stll has not admitted to cheating on me but i dont understand why or how she could move in with this guy if its so new. anyway thats her life but it affects my kids to. i have found it difficult to hear how good her new fella is and although i am seeing someone its not as serious as what she is doing. anyway i thought id share and hope some of you remember my posts and yes it would be good t hear an update on how your getting on as we are all different and cope in different ways. yesterday was very hard i cried most of the night but this morning feel numb again. it does get better with time but it still hurts. anyway feel free to ask questions as my head is just on auto pilot at the mo so probs havent even told you all what else has been happening

[Shocked Suzie]

Sadly pilot mode is a regular thing for some time, 5 months is still very early days, your emotions will feel like a roller coaster for some time yet... It's all still very raw.

 

How old are your children?? The only way that 100% helped me is minimal contact, around my 3months stage I stopped all verbal contact as It was like being tortured and I know I didn't deserve that... It sets you back. I changed my mobile number and only made contact via email (this is good for legal reasons also)...I tried to keep the emails business only, but they tend to get messy when talking about the kids and houses. I've now after a year changed my email address, I have zero contact... It is bliss!

 

Where ever you possibly can cut contact! I feel for you at the possibility of bumping into her, let alone 'them'!!

 

Just have to try to think of you and your growth 'i know it's hard'... Roll with those low points, allow them...drag yourself out of them. Look after and out for you for a while, personally think a new relationship for you is a big no no.

 

It does get better...easier. Time helps, just get lost on the way...try to talk to others and therapy helps too

 

SS x

[Yasuandio]

My former husband lives about 13 miles away, and his business is in a fancy neighborhood about 4 miles away. But for some reason, he finds a need to slum around, out of his way, in my neighborhood. Even goes to a crappy Starbucks next to my grocery store - doesn't even have outdoors tables for him to have his cigarette in the sun (which he really enjoys). But the Starbucks near his business, OMG, so nice!

 

For some reason I always saw him when I went out. It took me a while, but I finally figured out how knew to be where I was. I had an established pattern. I figured this out when Georgia changed Sunday liquor sales. Then I saw I didn't need to go pout last minute on Saturday afternnon to do shopping and get wine, and also Tuesday to re-stock! Haha!

 

Anyway, i changed up my whole routine. And it also helps me to shop in a different neighborhood, then I'm never looking over my shoulder. I drive to a very nice town to my doctor's office where I go one or twice a week. So I do all my banking, post office, shopping over there. No problem, no stress. Kill two birds with one stone.

 

Do you have another cool neighborhood nearby that you and the kids can adopt? Is there a town you already have to go to anyway for meetings, or appointments on a regular basis? That is what gave me the idea. So, I have kind of a secret life over in Alpharetta!

 

I really feel you man. Everytime I would see him, it is like ripping off a scab, and rubbing silver dioxide into the wound. I turn around and run like a jack rabbit. That shows that I am not detached yet.

 

But let me give you another tip. There have been times where I have caught my former husband (especially during the long drawn out four year divorce), spying on me, and stalking me.

 

When I returned to the United States, after an extended leave (my husband abandoned me in Greece for the second time, and I stayed there for a few months), I made a promise to myself. Upon my return, I wS a different person, had lost weight, gotten sun and exercise, and felt like a beautiful woman. The promise I made was at all time I would be looking outstanding as possible when I am in public or answer the door. I have not backed down on this promise to myself, and have done much reading to improve my confidence.

 

Walking tall, shoulders back - this good posture alone builds confidence and costs nothing. A smile costs nothing, but goes a long way. So, I suggest to you the same - make sure you look great and carry yourself with confidence. People see it, and have commented to me about. It's real. And you can do it even if u feel like crap..

 

If u can afford, go for the makeover. New hair, boots, rock'in jeans, leather jacket, new coloun (that Obsession stuff has some ingredient that get gets me crazy). The wine expert at the liqour store wears that stuff. Ive know all those guys a long time, and they are very nice to me. Sometimes I get a good deal on wines, and the Obsession guy puts it in my car for me. He always give a hug, but Im really trying to sniff that Obsession stuff! One time I think I rubbed my runny nose to hard on his neck (to pick up the scent), and may I left little slime behind. (Hope it wasn't a bugger!)

 

Anyway, update yourself, and get that "Obsession" stuff, and the chicks will be all over you like flies. Hope this helps, Yas

Edited February 1, 2014 by Yasuandio

[Shocked Suzie]

Yes changing routines and habits is also a good way to help make your new path forward... Move the peaces around to suite you, especially until your strong enough to deal with dumping into her/them.

 

SS x

[yorkie]

Hi can i first say thank you for the kind comments, i haven't been on for a while as at first no one replied so i was sort of feeling sorry for myself. i will give you an update on me now. yes things are improving for me even though it is really hard. the main two things i am doing is looking after my kids and myself. my kids have said they want to live with me which TBH is brilliant not many fathers get to keep there children. also i am now seeing someone else who has been a long time friend. but i still struggle i have good and bad days. good days i couldnt care less about my ex and her new fella bad days i just wanna curl up and be on my own but my new gf has helped me also my kids have been my rock! the hardest thing is though because i have kids with my ex its very limited contact. my ex goes mad at this but i dont ever and i mean ever want to speak to her or see her i know people will say time will heal things but i really dont care for her. she cheated on me and she wont even still admit this and she broke my heart. i will never ever see her in that same light again and even for my kids sake i dont want to get on with her. dont get me wrong my kids can see there mum anytime they want, i have never stopped them and never will, also i have never bad mouthed her in front of my kids. but regarding me i dont wanna be friends i let her be part of me and when she left me i will never forgive her for that, especially as before we split i asked her to marry me she said yes, then an argument she left! 13 years i was close to this woman and you know what i dont wish her any harm or anything bad! and i seriously hope it works out for her! but i dont wish to be friends with her or having any communication with her as TBH i feel she abused me emotionally. always mind games. i gave her my life, and she destroyed me aswell. but as for now things are improving, like i say im getting out more im starting to make friends again, i have a new gf who i do have strong feelings for but it still doesnt stop my problems with my ex.

 

anyhow thanks for the replies i will defo take on board your comments! again thank you x

[realfriends]

but regarding me i dont wanna be friends i let her be part of me and when she left me i will never forgive her for that, especially as before we split i asked her to marry me she said yes, then an argument she left!

 

In my opinion, you need to forgive her for yourself. Forgiving doesn't mean what she did is right, it will just help you come to the point of indifference.

[yorkie]

I have accepted I will never get closure. I have accepted she wont come back but sorry I cant forgive her ever. With that I dont wish her any harm I hope she is happy with her life and I hope life treats her right I dont even want karma to come round on her. I just dont ever want her in my life again I will never be civil with her apart from the kids. Does that make me a bad person or makes me not over her I dont know

[Yasuandio]

I have accepted I will never get closure. I have accepted she wont come back but sorry I cant forgive her ever. With that I dont wish her any harm I hope she is happy with her life and I hope life treats her right I dont even want karma to come round on her. I just dont ever want her in my life again I will never be civil with her apart from the kids. Does that make me a bad person or makes me not over her I dont know

 

There are many types/levels of forgiveness and non-forgiveness and complete rationales for each one in a great read called "How Can I forgive You?" by Janus Abrahms Springs, Ph.D. The complete outline of these types just mentioned are outlined in the pinned thread (shown in my signature line). I'll try to copy the relevant one (choice to not forgive) over here for you if I can.

 

OK, here it is:

 

Refusing To Forgive: A Rigid Response That Keeps You Entombed in Hate.

 

Sorry, I thought it the option was a bit softer. But compared to "Cheap Forgiveness," I think it's the better option in my humble opinion. At least you're not in denial and swallowing your real feelings. Yas

Edited February 4, 2014 by Yasuandio

[yorkie]

YAS, thanks for that, tbh i am still in pain, yes i want answer but i wont get them. tbh i dont want my ex back which is strange as last month i did. yes sometimes im confused but i believe she has gigs syndrome i may be wrong i dont know tbh i do think that yes i will one day be civil to her but she expects me to be over her already she does not understand the pain i have gone through. i will never ever forgive her though because and yes its the truth i will always love her. but you know what i will only forgive her when she gives me answers. i know that sounds mad but hey thats life. i thank you for you opinion and i am moving on with my life very well at the moment. just sometimes do need to vent i personally feel i have made alot of progress x

[Scott Thomas]

Sorry for what you're going through.

Believe me, the loss is entirely hers.

Move on and continue with your life.

It'll get better as time passes.

[yorkie]

thanks scott for those kind words! you know what though i have realised that i have moved on a bit, but i feel i should have moved on alot more by now its a constant struggle, i have luckily found myself in a new relationship and tbh she is amazing and i do like my new gf alot. i can be myself with her and she is good with my kids and she is hot looking and hot in bed everything a guy could ask for! thing is she is on holiday now for 2 weeks which isnt a long time but i feel let down, maybe not let down but i find myself pineing after my stupid ex! why its been 5 months! im in a new relationship and im happy with that but why does my mind still turn to her. she cheated on me and broke me as a person and im rebuilding my life now. anyone else got any advice about the 5/6 months mark of a break up!