To Marry or Not to Marry

[Prince6174]

I have been in a relationship with an American girl since 1 year. I am East Indian. She was very poor but now doing pretty well. She was abused as a child. She does have a little bit of alcohol problem. She is on anti depressant. In the last year, we did have a few low points because of her losing control due to too much alcohol. I love her but I am kind of a person who always strive to improve. This sometime makes me say things that I think is good for her. This results in friction. One night I said we should breakup. It was terrible. I felt terribly guilty thinking that I have hurt her feelings. The very next day we are back together. She wants to move in but I am not into it yet. She wants to get married but against prenup saying its a recipe for divorce. She loves me I know. But are we really compatible? I am not sure what to do? Should I continue by being more communicative or accepting her who she is or again break up? I am completely at loss. I am in 30s and got my **** together. She is in her 30s too. Please advice.

[man_in_the_box]

Honestly, there's a lot of issues you need to clear up before going through with this. You sound very doubtful about the actually making a succesful marriage which by itself should say you enough on whether you should do this (hint: no).

 

Also I think your SO appears to be very focussed on getting married. Does she see marriage as some sort of instant resolution to all sorts of problems in life? That's a sign that she's trying to get married for the wrong reasons.

 

Just speculating though.

[Confuddled1983]

You don't even know if you should be with her let alone marry the woman! You say you got your **** together but you're obviously very confused about the whole relationship, although it sounds understandable given the circumstances.

 

You cannot be her "knight in shining armour" - you cannot "fix" her, that needs to come from within.

 

You've only been together a year and there have already been a few issues due to alcohol, this is not a good sign.

 

My personal opinion is that even continuing the relationship you are enabling her to continue with her destructive lifestyle. She needs counselling for the abuse, if she hasn't already done so, and also for the alcohol issue.

 

I would be a friend and nothing more and tell her there is no way you can get married unless she sorts herself out.

[Radu]

I have been in a relationship with an American girl since 1 year. I am East Indian. She was very poor but now doing pretty well. She was abused as a child. She does have a little bit of alcohol problem. She is on anti depressant. In the last year, we did have a few low points because of her losing control due to too much alcohol. I love her but I am kind of a person who always strive to improve. This sometime makes me say things that I think is good for her. This results in friction. One night I said we should breakup. It was terrible. I felt terribly guilty thinking that I have hurt her feelings. The very next day we are back together. She wants to move in but I am not into it yet. She wants to get married but against prenup saying its a recipe for divorce. She loves me I know. But are we really compatible? I am not sure what to do? Should I continue by being more communicative or accepting her who she is or again break up? I am completely at loss. I am in 30s and got my **** together. She is in her 30s too. Please advice.

 

The prenup situation is pretty simple.

Who's got the money, and who's going to earn the most in long term ?

 

If it's you, push for it.

 

A prenup is not a recipe for divorce, you already have a recipe for divorce in her past.

[d0nnivain]

Marriage is about love. Divorce is about money. To my way of thinking a prenup is a contract negotiated when everyone still loves everyone. If you wait to fight about these issues when you hate each other it will be very expensive.

 

 

There are too many reasons not to get married in here & not enough reasons to tie the knot. If you don't even want to live with her, why the heck would you get married?

[Prince6174]

She always asks me these days if the relationship is going somewhere. Is there a polite way of saying that it is not going to work out? I feel terrible but some amount of pain now is better than getting divorced with kids and lot of pain later, i guess. I think our values and goals are different. I do love to hangout with her and her friends or my friends but I don't drink much. 2 at most to be social. But if my SO drink so much that I have to take the person to the ER, then we got a problem. Moreover, sending raunchy texts to a guy friend or ex when drunk, is not acceptable to me at least. What should i say when she asks me next time, if I see myself with her in future or not? Please advice.

[mukkrakker]

If you have to ask

To Marry or Not to Marry

then NOT.

[samsungxoxo]

As another poster mentioned just the fact that he had to post this question means you shouldn't marry her. Engagement people don't on a forum ask Should I marry him/her or not?; they are ready and get married.

[d0nnivain]

She always asks me these days if the relationship is going somewhere. Is there a polite way of saying that it is not going to work out? .

 

 

Of course there is. It's still going to hurt her though. That can't be avoided. Be kind but firm. Just tell that you don't think you two are compatible in the long run but it's time for you to go your separate ways. Don't get into specifics because then she'll promise to change (not drink. . . whatever) but it won't last because she's doing it for you not herself & you'll resent her & you will be right back here with more anger later.

[GorillaTheater]

But if my SO drink so much that I have to take the person to the ER, then we got a problem. Moreover, sending raunchy texts to a guy friend or ex when drunk, is not acceptable to me at least.

 

Prince, you'd be crazy to marry her, and I'm pretty sure you already realize that.

 

Be calm, compassionate but firm when you tell her that this simply isn't working for you, that this is not the relationship you want. If she wants to argue about it, refuse to engage.

[carhill]

OP, between the alcohol and the FOO issues, my advice would be to find a lady your age who likewise has her 'life' together and pursue that kind of marital dynamic.

 

Can't save everyone so save yourself.

 

Welcome to LS

[soccerrprp]

All sound advice. OP, listen up and move on. You'll be the one most hurt in the end, I suspect.

[OpheliaSong]

No, you shouldn't marry her if she doesn't go get some therapy for her issues and stop so drinking entirely. It is sad she had a bad past, but it is her responsibility to help herself. You can't save her.

[Prince6174]

Thanks again everyone. I feel bad for breaking her heart. But I want her to be happy. Unless she change herself, I don't know how she will be happy in future though. I am sure universe has a plan for her just like everybody. She will be fine.

 

As I am ready to leave her, does that mean my love for her is not unconditional? What is unconditional love then?

[soccerrprp]

She always asks me these days if the relationship is going somewhere. Is there a polite way of saying that it is not going to work out? I feel terrible but some amount of pain now is better than getting divorced with kids and lot of pain later, i guess. I think our values and goals are different. I do love to hangout with her and her friends or my friends but I don't drink much. 2 at most to be social. But if my SO drink so much that I have to take the person to the ER, then we got a problem. Moreover, sending raunchy texts to a guy friend or ex when drunk, is not acceptable to me at least. What should i say when she asks me next time, if I see myself with her in future or not? Please advice.

 

These are true? They happened? Of course you are making the right move and letting her go. People often times, unfortunately, don't learn until too late that they are responsible for themselves before anyone else. Happiness is not achieved by being bludgeoned by other's issues, especially if they are not willing to help themselves.

 

But, yours is not an unconditional love. It is very conditional. And that's okay. Even the popular Jesus's love is conditional, though it's common to hear otherwise and depending on denomination, HELL reminds some of us that even his love is very conditional and cruelly so. I digress.

 

Anyway, unconditional love sacrifices. What do you or have you sacrificed FOR her? What and how is there the absence of condition in being with her? Nowhere as far as I can see. Again, you are human.

 

But what happens after you break up makes a difference. Do you feel that you breaking up with her will make her better? Help her be better? Will you be there for her afterwards? The post-breakup behavior on your part will tell her, you and others a lot about how you really felt about her.

[Tayken]

Marriage is about love. Divorce is about money. To my way of thinking a prenup is a contract negotiated when everyone still loves everyone. If you wait to fight about these issues when you hate each other it will be very expensive.

 

Bingo! I can attest to that, and if the OP doesn't mind...I'll like to share this with you from a Canadian perspective, but am sure it's not far off how things are in the US and some parts of the world......

 

IMHO.....Marriage is a beautiful thing if you are lucky to have had someone talk to you about it, learned from the mistake of others, know what you are are looking for and stick to your morals, and find the "right person" for you. But even then, we all know what happens with the best laid plans...

 

There is a myriad of definitions out there for marriage, but I found this one below to be fitting to this thread which I hope will become a discussion thread on the institution that is marriage, and what can be expected when things don't work out i.e. Separation / Divorce

 

Marriage

 

Marriage is the process by which two people who love each other make their relationship public, official, and permanent. It is the joining of two people in a bond that putatively lasts until death, but in practice is increasingly cut short by divorce.

 

 

***http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/marriage****

 

But wait, did you know that if you did not marry someone of an "equal footing" i.e. same or closer income, and you end up splitting.....they will be entitled to spousal support aka alimony if they so choose to pursue it? Here is the law...

 

Spousal support / Alimony

Many cases have often stated that the mere fact of marriage or a difference in incomes would not necessarily mean entitlement. However, the Supreme Court of Canada in Bracklow v. Bracklow made the definition of entitlement very broad as it did state that a significant income disparity between the spouses that would result in a significant drop in the lower income spouse's standard of living, would generally mean entitlement for some support, as would cases where there have been children, as they might be the cause of a significant disparity in income because of child - rearing responsibilities.

 

 

Spousal Support Advisory Guidelines

 

Child support....is the right of the kid(s), it's written in stone and there is a federal table showing how much one needs to pay depending on how much you earn and amount of kids.

 

Child support amount

 

Child support tables PDF....scary when you look at the amount based on your income and how many kids you have

 

http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/c...11/pdf/ona.pdf

 

Blended Families / Step parent ....... Are You Loco?

 

Note: If you decide to hook up with someone that has kids already, you can / will find yourself in the future paying child support for those kids depending on how long you were with this person, if you adopted them, if they called you mum/dad, if you went to their games and school activities.....yes you will pay if the parents decided to come after ya...the Govt is only more than happy to hold someone responsible, so tag you are it

"A person in loco parentis to a child is one who has acted so as to evidence his intention of placing himself towards the child in the situation which is ordinarily occupied by the father for the provisions of the child's pecuniary needs.

 

NOTE: This is all gender neutral.....although there are a lot of men paying child support and spousal support, there are some women too that have found themselves, and continue to find themselves supporting some xbox ps3 playing slob who refuses to work and just sits in the basement all day playing games

 

 

 

 

There are too many reasons not to get married in here & not enough reasons to tie the knot. If you don't even want to live with her, why the heck would you get married?

 

 

Not sure how common law works in the US, but in most places in Canada...Ontario for example, all it takes is 3yrs of living with someone for them to qualify for half your stuff i.e 50% if things don't work out.

 

Quebec is the only province in Canada that does not recognize common law relationships. This is a good thing if you live in Quebec as was recently evident in the case of Mr Cirque du soleil (the billionaire owner), who's gold digger Brazilian wife tried to take him for everything that he worked for. In the end, all she got was child support payments for the kids.

[Gerrykins]

Marriage won't magically solve your problems, and may -perhaps- add to them. Why not try living together for six months and see how it goes?

Remember the old adage:- "Marry in haste, repent at leisure"

[Poppygoodwill]

 

As I am ready to leave her, does that mean my love for her is not unconditional? What is unconditional love then?

 

That is what it means...but why is that a bad thing? Who said love has to be unconditional?

 

I might love someone, but will not be around him if he abuses me or others that I love, or betrays my trust. I can love someone as a person, but not want to have them in my life if they have addiction issues and live an unstable life always creating drama and problems. that doesn't show much love for yourself if you allow someone to treat you that way, or take advantage of you.

[Prince6174]

Thanks. I appreciate every reply I got for this issue of mine. I know unfortunately things didn't work out with us. But there were warning signs from the very beginning. I chose to ignore. I don't want to be bitter about my situation but look at it as a learning experience. I would like to mention the incidents that may help others reading the thread. I met my girlfriend in a bar. I know, bars are never a good place to meet people if you are looking for a soul mate. The very first night, she was inebriated. But I overlooked it obviously. We started seeing each other. She professed love to me. I accepted. I was in love with this girl. But deep down, I was uncomfortable when she used to go out with me to bars and get wasted.

 

Incident 1: I got a text that she is hanging out with her friends on a Thursday night and if I would like to join. I replied that I got an important meeting first thing in the morning so she should go ahead. But I also gently reminded her not to drink much. 2:30 am I got a call from her saying that she is still out and in the house of her two guy friends. She was totally drunk and asked if I could give her a ride home. I was pissed but I did my duty as a boyfriend and dropped her at her that night.

 

Incident 2: Its her birthday. We were having a good time. Her friends joined us. End of the night we had the same story. She got smashed. She was talking funny. But I let that incident go as it was her birthday.

 

Incident 3: She told me that she is out with her coworkers and I should join her at the bar. I said fine and went there with my friends. After repeated calls and no reply, I was worried but I knew what I was going to see that night. I got a call around 3 am that night from her roommate's phone. She got drunk, and forgot where she parked her car. She fell down somewhere and sprained her hand. I had to come to the apartment at 3:30 am to take her to ER.

 

Incident 4: She is out with her girlfriends. I got a message that she is in a bar and need a ride. Same story. Totally wasted. I took her home. In the same night, I saw text messages to her ex boyfriend and guy friend which were not nice.

 

Incident 5. She is out in a concert. This is after we broke up and we got back together again. She started giving me cold shoulders. I totally understood. I got a text around 2 am that she is taking a cab to her friends home. I said I can pick her up and drop her at her place. She agreed. She was wasted as usual. I could not believe my eyes what I saw in her phone. I saw two message from new numbers. They seemed from guys who she met in the concert. I also saw a message while she was texting drunk, and it had a picture of her crotch and she wrote how she missed the guy who is a friend of hers.

 

 

I still love her but getting married to her is out of question. I am thinking how and when I should break it to her that its not going to work. I think next time she asks me about our relationship, I will tell her politely that I will be her best friend but nothing more. I am willing to help her in every possible way.

 

Last but not the least, signs are everywhere, we just need to open our eyes and see beyond our emotions and take the right decisions.

 

Thanks again.