Coco4276 Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Hi, I'll try to keep this as brief as I can. I met a man about 3 1/2 months ago when he transferred to my gym. He's a trainer. He became my trainer within days of meeting. We hit it off right away, talking a lot, very open conversation. We just clicked. A few training sessions in, I found out he was married. Still kept conversing. About two weeks in we were texting and calling each other everyday. The talk of course turned sexual. We expressed strong feelings for each other around thanksgiving. After that came make out sessions, coffee dates, stolen kisses and the like. It has not progressed to the full on physical because he says he doesn't want anyone to get hurt and he wants to be in my life forever. Fast forward to today, he has been pulling back a lot. We don't speak every day anymore. I'm in the gym a lot. So when I see him there, the attraction and his need to be close to me is very evident. I cannot believe I caught feelings for this man. I want to just tell him this can't go on. Yes, I think this is/was an intense emotional affair. He always called us friends. I think he always did that to absolve himself of guilt. The things we've done I don't do with my friends, though. Okay, question is what do you think is the reason for the sudden pullback and would you classify this as an EA? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Ask his wife what she would call it. Yes, it is an EA. I have never understood how any woman could marry a trainer. The most likely profession to cheat, and have multiple affairs going on at once. Recipe for disaster. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MorbidFever Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Save yourself now. Find another gym. Please do this. The more I read of newcomers, the more it sounded like me and how I felt. You don't want to be here in weeks, months, years looking for ways to heal your broken heart and life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cabinet Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 It's not an "emotional affair" if you were having full on make out sessions. Sorry. You might not have gone "all the way" but you are just minimizing what you did by calling it an emotional affair. It was an affair. Period. and it WAS physical. What difference does it make that he pulled back? It is wrong and you should get out, go NC with this guy and never go back. He is a married man cheating on his wife. Yuck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Welcome to LS. IMO, as a fMM, this is classed as a PA and EA, since there have been physical EOI's and EOA's, some trending to sexual (make-out sessions), as well as inappropriate emotional intimacies shared. IMO, this would be classed as a full-on affair, currently in a lull and, if relevant spouses are not/do not disclosed/approve, also cheating. Why did he 'pull back'? Impossible to know. IME, albeit with MW's, their attentions swing with the breeze, back and forth from their M to their affair partners or potentials, depending on their personal needs. Different people for different times and desires. Another potential is, not atypically, 'hooking' the mark and pulling the throttle back to 'cruise' and 'maintenance' mode. I see this pretty commonly with people in general, especially amongst the subset who are 'takers'. IMO, it's inappropriate for trainers, if employed, to be engaging in affairs with their clients. That's something that I, as their employer, would want to know, from a liability standpoint as well as potential harm to the business' reputation. Do you wish to continue or move on? Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Sounds like a PA as well as an EA. It is possible his wife caught him and he has agreed to go NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Syreeni Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 For sure its an EA, however, it certainly boarders on physical. I bet his wife wouldn't consider kissing and nonprofessional touching purely emotional. And, like any woman, would be hurt even with the things that have already happened. He likes fooling around because it gives him a huge ego boost- the feelings of attraction/lust are a high. He rationalizes his behavior by thinking If he doesn't "sick it in", he's not really cheating. This will probably suit him for now, but at some point the level of ego boost isn't as fulfilling and he may move on to full penetration level affairs. I'm sure he has no shortage of willing participants for whatever level he seeks. I would also venture a guess that you are not the first, the only or the last. Obviously, you can't believe anything this guy says- he's a user and a cheat that will say whatever he has to in order to convince the girl to fool around with him. If he's not done with your fling, he will come back and tell you some lame excuse for pulling away, then express love and foreverness again. Just to hook you good. Not for the reasons you are most likely envisioning and hoping for. Now you need to decide if you want to continue being that girl or find someone that can be all yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Syreeni Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 It is possible his wife caught him and he has agreed to go NC. It sure is... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coco4276 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Welcome to LS. IMO, as a fMM, this is classed as a PA and EA, since there have been physical EOI's and EOA's, some trending to sexual (make-out sessions), as well as inappropriate emotional intimacies shared. IMO, this would be classed as a full-on affair, currently in a lull and, if relevant spouses are not/do not disclosed/approve, also cheating. Why did he 'pull back'? Impossible to know. IME, albeit with MW's, their attentions swing with the breeze, back and forth from their M to their affair partners or potentials, depending on their personal needs. Different people for different times and desires. Another potential is, not atypically, 'hooking' the mark and pulling the throttle back to 'cruise' and 'maintenance' mode. I see this pretty commonly with people in general, especially amongst the subset who are 'takers'. IMO, it's inappropriate for trainers, if employed, to be engaging in affairs with their clients. That's something that I, as their employer, would want to know, from a liability standpoint as well as potential harm to the business' reputation. Do you wish to continue or move on? What you said makes a lot of sense, especially the cruise and maintenance. I in all honesty don't know what I want. I know what I should do, though, because it's not right at all, on so many levels. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coco4276 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Thanks for all the comments so far. This is really helpful to me!! There are so many things, as I'm sure a lot of you know, that don't cross the mind or that you try and ignore. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Perhaps consider a break from the gym and do your workouts alone while you consider your options. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coco4276 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Perhaps consider a break from the gym and do your workouts alone while you consider your options. I've definitely been thinking about just going to another one of my gym's locations. That pisses me off because I've been at this gym for so long and all the people who work there and other people there, it's like a family. I do feel, however, that that's what I'm going to have to do for a while. I did it one time and he freaked out. Oh, well. I'm not going to stop my training on my own. I don't even need a trainer. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 If it's a temporary hiatus, or even permanent, there's always the option to retain contact with the gym family away from the gym. Those who have become friends would surely be up for that. Perhaps a change of scenery, whether to a different workout location or going solo, will help clarify things, both your own feelings as well as to answer some of your questions about 'pulling back'. Time usually reveals all truths. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Yes, it was an EA and a PA. I would say he was pulling back as he realized how wrong he was to be doing it. He said he didn't want to hurt anyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coco4276 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 Yes, it was an EA and a PA. I would say he was pulling back as he realized how wrong he was to be doing it. He said he didn't want to hurt anyone. Very true, he did say that multiple times. And now I'm the one who feels hurt. Stupid me... Link to post Share on other sites
Appreciate Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 It's good you've had this experience. Better now than when you are married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coco4276 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 It's good you've had this experience. Better now than when you are married. You're right. I would not have liked to have experienced this when I was married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coco4276 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Share Posted January 28, 2014 He texted me today and asked if we could have a coffee date tomorrow evening, and I am in knots. I'll keep you guys posted on how it plays out. But I am going to end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Appreciate Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Coco, Don't meet him in person. You don't owe him anything, and it's better to have lingering questions about your "relationship" than to talk it out with him. End it from a position of strength. Politely decline, remind him he's married and that you realized you made a mistake. Don't go. Really, what good could come out of it? "Just friends"? You both agree it's over and you will share the gym without any awkwardness. Unh-unh. The risk is that you will both have feelings for each other and give into the moment. One last goodbye kiss? These things can't end like that. End it over a text or email. Seriously. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wasntlooking Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Coco Wondering how this all played out. I ended my A reluctantly. Did not want to but knew it was wrong. I did it over an email much better that way. He didnt respond though which is the chance you take over an email. I hope you did not meet him. I know how hard this is for you. Its been four months NC for me and i still want to talk to him everyday. Its hard. Please keep posting when you feel the urge to contact. I hope you ended it. Best and worst thinh youll ever do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coco4276 Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Coco Wondering how this all played out. I ended my A reluctantly. Did not want to but knew it was wrong. I did it over an email much better that way. He didnt respond though which is the chance you take over an email. I hope you did not meet him. I know how hard this is for you. Its been four months NC for me and i still want to talk to him everyday. Its hard. Please keep posting when you feel the urge to contact. I hope you ended it. Best and worst thinh youll ever do. Wasntlooking, It did not go well in the sense that it didn't end. I didn't meet for coffee, but he was at the gym when I got there to workout. I didn't know he was going to be there at that time. He comes over and starts talking to me and so I said to myself, this is it. I told him this has to stop. He started talking all about how strong his feelings are for me and that he cherishes me and all that crap, saying he didn't want to lose our friendship. I flat out told him 'we are not friends and have never been friends'. He said well, I don't want to lose you. It was almost like it didn't matter what I said. He didn't want to hear it. Later he comes up to me and says maybe i could come over and watch a movie soon. I was speechless. I didn't say a word and ignored that comment. He was texting me bright and early this morning to say good morning. We haven't ever had sex. He doesn't want to end anything. I feel very confused right now. Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Been in this situation, it destroyed the friendship. The pulling away is a mix of guilt and the fact that the newness is dying down and reality is setting in that what he is doing is risky, that one if you will get hurt, and also in my opinion he sees you getting stronger feelings & it scares him. Its fun at 1st but it starts getting real & roller coaster begins. Im sure someone there knows his wife? Maybe shes asking questions. ... Also yes, follow your gut, the longer you stay in, the harder the break & healing will be. Its gonna end on its own eventually & painfully...why not do it ypurself? Fyo hurts less that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coco4276 Posted February 2, 2014 Author Share Posted February 2, 2014 Hi, all!! I'm happy to report that it's done and over with MM. Found out yesterday that there's a few other women, but another woman and I were the 'main' two OWs. Said goodbye and that's all there is to it. I think the other OW is going to stay and try to stick it out. She had sex with him, so I think that raised the bar for her feelings. I am thanking God I never had sex with him. She knows there's probably others, but I hope she realizes there is better out there for all of us. What's done in the dark always comes to light...sooner or later. I hope she doesn't get hurt any further. But I know she will. Found out also he just started marriage counseling with his wife, which the other OW knows about as well. I wish her luck. She's a nice lady. For me, I am GLAD to be free of this nonsense. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 IMO, if the other ladies are all gym patrons, you all could do a '9 to 5' on him with the gym owner. I can't get that image of Dabney Coleman in a BDSM get-up strung up by the garage door opener out of my mind On a more serious note, you could get him fired, presuming he's an at-will worker or contractor. If it was my gym, I'd want men like him gone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Coco4276 Posted February 2, 2014 Author Share Posted February 2, 2014 Carhill, The other ladies are gym patrons. The others don't know about me and the other OW or that we know there's some improprieties going on. The other OW and I discussed going to management tomorrow. I think she's going to back out now that she's been talking to him today. I decided I'm going to another location starting tomorrow. He's preying on unsuspecting women and that is just not right. Loved that movie, by the way, and remember that scene well, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
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