msoptimistic Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Can anyone offer advice on how to break the cycle of thinking "one more contact and maybe he'll see the light" can be broken...everyday I think I'm going to make contact with words of wisdom or something lighthearted that will make him think that our relationship is what he wants on a full time basis...then when that doesn't work, I'll think just one more contact and maybe that will do it...I could "one more contact" forever and I know it wouldn't make a difference but I wonder if other females think like this? Also, I would love to sit down and read every post on this site because even though there is a common thread to most stories, every piece of advice helps. But, in general, has there been any advice from the men on this site about what the OW can do as far as the relationship that has meant the most to them...where there have been true and deep emotional feelings, has it helped the most when the OW was there to listen or offer advice? Or is it ever the OW's place to offer any advice? And finally, I posted last week and got some great feedback then went on to read as many posts as I could and one common thread is that in hindsight most OWs say that their MM was way more committed and physical in his relationship with his wife than they were truthful about. In my situation I know nothing about my MM or his homelife or his family or community. I have no way of knowing how truthful he may be or if he has a reputation as a player among his circle of friends. Is there anyway of ever finding out (short of asking W) about the circumstances of his homelife? Is it ever worth playing detective to find out the truth or if you have to play detective then you're doomed to start with? I think in the heat of the moment we all want to believe it when they say the only time they are having sex (making love) is with you, but that seems to be a pretty common misconception? Thanks in advance for your help! Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) I wish I had time to say more. you are worth more than trying to find just the right thing to say to a man (even one you love) to make him realize how special you are. if you have to make your case this way, you likely always will. Take this time to find someone who tells YOU how amazing you are. Edited January 28, 2014 by EverySunset 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) I agree with EverySunset. In mutual, healthy, loving relationships you don't need to perform tricks and plead your case in order to get someone to choose you and be with you. If someone doesn't of their own free will feel you're worth it, you shouldn't want them. Period. The best relationships are the ones in which BOTH people are on the same page and both genuinely choose, respect, love the other and think the other is awesome. I have never seen the "let me show him" tactic work...ever. I've done it before myself as well, didn't work and I am embarrassed now at ever even doing that as now I would NEVER do that. This man isn't the one for you. He is also not the last man on earth. Don't waste your time contacting him or being a detective into his life. Think about it...is a healthy relationship one where you spend all your time essentially begging for the other person's attention while they are with their wife and you're sleuthing around trying to find out about their life? NO! It sounds crazy when you really think about it. That should give you pause to realize that this isn't the best you can do and you should be with a man who is one, available and single, who is calling you, taking you out and showing you how much he values you and who is open about his life and your place in it. If that isn't happening---run, don't walk, away! Edited January 28, 2014 by MissBee 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoaster Rider Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 Can anyone offer advice on how to break the cycle of thinking "one more contact and maybe he'll see the light" can be broken...everyday I think I'm going to make contact with words of wisdom or something lighthearted that will make him think that our relationship is what he wants on a full time basis...then when that doesn't work, I'll think just one more contact and maybe that will do it...I could "one more contact" forever and I know it wouldn't make a difference but I wonder if other females think like this? Also, I would love to sit down and read every post on this site because even though there is a common thread to most stories, every piece of advice helps. But, in general, has there been any advice from the men on this site about what the OW can do as far as the relationship that has meant the most to them...where there have been true and deep emotional feelings, has it helped the most when the OW was there to listen or offer advice? Or is it ever the OW's place to offer any advice? And finally, I posted last week and got some great feedback then went on to read as many posts as I could and one common thread is that in hindsight most OWs say that their MM was way more committed and physical in his relationship with his wife than they were truthful about. In my situation I know nothing about my MM or his homelife or his family or community. I have no way of knowing how truthful he may be or if he has a reputation as a player among his circle of friends. Is there anyway of ever finding out (short of asking W) about the circumstances of his homelife? Is it ever worth playing detective to find out the truth or if you have to play detective then you're doomed to start with? I think in the heat of the moment we all want to believe it when they say the only time they are having sex (making love) is with you, but that seems to be a pretty common misconception? Thanks in advance for your help! I'm sorry but, honestly you need to walk away! If you think that you should call him to justify why he should choose you, there is something wrong. You should never have to convince someone that you are worthy enough for them. If he isn't in the picture anymore... he choose what he either wanted, or what was comfortable to him. As far as his personal life, again WALK AWAY! It really isn't your business... it wasn't then and it sure shouldn't be now. Why do you want to put yourself through more torture? Would it do you any good to know what his real relationship is like? Would it do you good to know how often he has sex with his wife?? I think not.... You need to focus on yourself, and getting your life back. I know I may sound like I am being a bitch- but, I have been there- and I am still there. Today is a day of reflection... FOCUS ON YOU! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soundsfamilar Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 msoptimistic, yes, i have done that. and after we broke up the first time, my words pulled him back in (well, he wanted back in too ), but he still couldn't leave his M. so after another few months we broke up again. if his fear is stronger than his love for you, nothing you say will make a difference. i say this a someone who believes that my exMM genuinely loved me. all i could do is keep us hanging on, not more. if he decides to be with you one day, it must come from him, regardless of your words. Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted January 28, 2014 Share Posted January 28, 2014 I will give you the experience of a BS... We were still very much a married couple in all aspects during his affair. She believed we were "just together for the kids" and living like "room mates" (2 very common mm excuses for being married lol). We had a very active sex life. Read the infidelity threads. You can see more of the truth of the m there... I was also unknowingly the ow years and years ago...and even though he left his gf and moved in with me, he continued to have a relationship with her...when I found out I moved out immediately. I spoke with her and was very honest about everything and was so sad for her. My theme song was biggie and Lil Kim...I still remember the words: What do ya do if ya man is untrue You cut the sucka off and find someone new I need another man In my life Uh uh uh Lol. Memories! Anyways, I shared that with her. I told her we both deserved better than his cheating lying ass. As far as I know, she stayed with him. They did have 3 kids together at 20. They had a history he and I didn't. I hate cheating. :-( Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 you deserve someone that is there for you completely and is free walk no run away now,you will find someone that deserves you Link to post Share on other sites
Author msoptimistic Posted January 29, 2014 Author Share Posted January 29, 2014 Nothing like experience talking to put things into perspective. Somewhere in these discussions one person stated that when you're in the heat of an affair you always think that you are different and things will turn out differently for you and your MM - no matter how many stories to the contrary you read. You find that one success story and hold on to it for dear life and try to rationalize how you are different from all the failed stories. You all have had similar advice and after reading your posts even I think I look pretty pathetic. I didn't see it as "working" or "begging" for his attention like a person with low self-esteem...I saw it as my mission to make him see the light. What I wasn't accounting for was that he could be giving me a skewed picture of what I was trying to save him from! I thought he needed a relationship with someone who would work with him so that both could be happy (that would be me) vs. the relationship I thought he had where neither was happy. I see now that I have no idea what happens behind his closed doors and it ain't my business.... However, having said all that...I do love him very much...and I so appreciate what soundsfamiliar said about truly believing her MM loved her...I think mine does...but I also loved the statement that if his fear of leaving was greater than his love for me then there was my answer right there. So, the time has come to work on my self-esteem in this area of my life...funny because in every other area I have people telling me all the time they wished they were more outgoing like me! Strange what these affairs of the heart do to otherwise rational, sane people... So, now, if I recognize the problem as being mine and not his...and all the advice is to walk away, not run...how do you make it through that very first day (or even few hours) of NC? Not only do I think I'm addicted to him, I'm addicted to hearing that little text tone go off and wonder what he's going to say! So.....the very basic first step is.....?????? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoaster Rider Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Nothing like experience talking to put things into perspective. Somewhere in these discussions one person stated that when you're in the heat of an affair you always think that you are different and things will turn out differently for you and your MM - no matter how many stories to the contrary you read. You find that one success story and hold on to it for dear life and try to rationalize how you are different from all the failed stories. You all have had similar advice and after reading your posts even I think I look pretty pathetic. I didn't see it as "working" or "begging" for his attention like a person with low self-esteem...I saw it as my mission to make him see the light. What I wasn't accounting for was that he could be giving me a skewed picture of what I was trying to save him from! I thought he needed a relationship with someone who would work with him so that both could be happy (that would be me) vs. the relationship I thought he had where neither was happy. I see now that I have no idea what happens behind his closed doors and it ain't my business.... However, having said all that...I do love him very much...and I so appreciate what soundsfamiliar said about truly believing her MM loved her...I think mine does...but I also loved the statement that if his fear of leaving was greater than his love for me then there was my answer right there. So, the time has come to work on my self-esteem in this area of my life...funny because in every other area I have people telling me all the time they wished they were more outgoing like me! Strange what these affairs of the heart do to otherwise rational, sane people... So, now, if I recognize the problem as being mine and not his...and all the advice is to walk away, not run...how do you make it through that very first day (or even few hours) of NC? Not only do I think I'm addicted to him, I'm addicted to hearing that little text tone go off and wonder what he's going to say! So.....the very basic first step is.....?????? The first day...I'm in day #47, and it's still as hard as the first. So..you can do alot of things. First you need to keep busy, do something nice for you! I went out with a friend..drank some beers..and went for a massage :-) After that...you have to find things to do and distract yourself. I also go to the gym, went back to school and I am taking a class, and have started to call people I stopped talking to while in the affair. I never realized how much time he robbed from me. Be strong...make yourself the priority..and do it for you. You can do it, so many of us have and are surviving without them :-) Link to post Share on other sites
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