Was it wrong to snoop?

[LoveorLie]

I was with my boyfriend for 3 years, we'd been living together for just over a year. He'd been very open with me when we first met about how in the past he'd been a player and had cheated at some point on all his exes. But he said this time it was different what he felt for more he hadn't felt before. I decided to trust him but i was still very wary but I needed to trust as what i was feeling I had never felt before.

 

Everything was going great for 2 years and then we decided to live together. It was great for the first couple of months but then we began having really big arguments about just silly things, I put it down to the fact that we were struggling financially and that we were both stressed. Then he began becoming more distant, he always had a lot of girl friends that he'd text and phone and I had no problem with it before but now suddenly I was feeling more jealous. He was giving them more time than he was giving me.

 

Then one day his phone flashed up with a new message and I just saw it pop in the top bar of his phone and i was shocked what i was reading it said "When you coming round later to 'working late at work'. I've got a movie ;)" Things started running through my head at 100mph, all them times he would text or ring and say he had to work late was he really just going to this woman's house. That night I went on his phone while he slept to see if there was anything else but the message I had originally seen wasn't there and the only messages that were there were just innocent.

 

I was a bit scared to confront him as I didn't want to lose him but as the days past I had enough. I had read in a magazine about a woman who used an app to track her partner and find out what he was getting up to so i took to the internet searching for an app I could put on his phone. The only thing was the ones I could find were a visible app and my ex was very good with computers and phones and I thought he would notice it. I had just about given up when I came across this one app where once I installed it I delete the installer and then the app runs completely stealthy. I was excited but very nervous. So one night while he slept I went onto his phone and installed it. Scared what I was going to find out when I woke up in the morning I could hardly sleep and feeling a little bit guilty.

 

But then the next morning as soon as he went to work I logged on and my jaw dropped with what I found. Loads of pictures with him kissing and cuddling about 5 other girls. In that morning on his way to work he'd sent about 10 messages to this one girl and a phone call to another. In the afternoon I got a message from him saying he'd be late so I thought i'd use the geo-track option to find out where he really was and funnily enough he wasn't at work. Then using the background recorder I could here this woman giggling. That was it I was so upset and so angry I was shaking as soon as he got home I bit his head off and blurted everything out about what i had found.

 

He wasn't even sorry he was just angry that I had snooped. I kicked him out but now I can't help but feel guilty that I had snooped but at the same time I think if I hadn't of done I would still be in a relationship which wasn't going anywhere.

 

Was I wrong?

[mammasita]

Is it wrong to snoop, yes. Is it necessary at times, yes. Only rule I have is be ready to accept what you've found and walk because all trust is gone. There's no going back.

[ctxinfl]

I don't like snooping and I never did with my ex until I felt I had a reason to. And if I hadn't snooped then she'd still be carrying on affairs behind my back. So I wouldn't call snooping "right," though it is certainly a necessary evil.

[JessieJ08]

You had your reasons if he was always acting like he had something to hide or you felt he was a liar then No you weren't wrong, you deserve to know who your involved with, the fact he is using snooping as away to get angry at you he wants you to feel guilt which is what you do feel. Thats how cheaters like to manipulate you.

 

He is a liar he is wrong. You had a gut feeling something wasn't right about him, you even saw he got texts that were suspicious, could you have went about it different Yes but I don't think you would know the truth today. That he is a cheater. He even told you he was this way to all his past girlfriends and understand that this doesn't make you not special in anyway it just makes him not special enough to be loyal and honest.

 

Always follow your instinct and you did the right thing by kicking him out. I wouldn't even give him the satisfaction to be mad at you and just move on thats the best you can do, Nor would I allow a guy who cheated on me to make me feel like crap cus I looked in their phone. He CHEATED on you with 5 girls does you snooping thru his phone measure up to his Guilt I think not. Does it make you the worse person ever? No not at all! He is a JERK you deserve better

[mercuryshadow]

Generally, snooping is not okay, especially when used as a control tactic, but in cases such as yours, you held reasonable suspicion. In digging for answers, you were doing what you needed to in order to protect yourself. The fact that he showed no remorse and turned it around on you for snooping is called gas-lighting.

He has proven to you that he is a liar, a cheater, is incapable of remorse or empathy... Which are traits carried by narcissists. I firmly believe that some players and cheats can change, but sadly, that doesn't appear to be the case here.

[d0nnivain]

Two wrongs -- his cheating & your snooping -- don't make a right but since you now have confirmation he's a louse, move out, get tested for STD's & don't look back.

[LoveorLie]

Thank you for your posts, I always said I would never snoop but then when the situation happens to you all morals kind of go out the window.

 

I know if I hadn't of snooped I would just be beating myself up with awful thoughts, at least now I suppose I know all he was getting up to and after kicking him out I've had no reason to talk to him again as I don't need closure. I got closure from what i found.

 

many thanks.

[fixing]

Hey, let me tell you you did the right thing. When your gut instincts detect something, it leads to you snooping.

You found out he is a filthy two faced cheating little tramp. Your so lucky to have found out now, and not once married or with kids.

I was like you, i trusted my ex more than i trusted myself. I snooped ONCE, in 16 months and boom, right there in front of my eyes was the proof she was ****ing someone else on the side.

 

Im glad you kicked him out, now delete EVERYTHING that ties you to him and accept the fact the he is a complete scumbag. A lowlife cheating loser.

 

Your so much better than he will ever be. This relationship is as dead as the dodo.

 

Stay strong and rid yourself of any guilt. Hardcore no contact now. Your free of this horrible little weasel of a man.

[LoveorLie]

I'm definitely not looking back, I suppose I keep beating myself up because I feel stupid to have wasted the last 3 years. And yes I am hurt that all he had to say was shout at me for snooping. Tbh I was so shocked at that I didn't get to say what I really wanted to say but at the same time now I just cant be bothered with it. I suppose in some way I'm also scared that in future relationships because this app virtually saved my life will I want to use it again in the future.

[regine_phalange]

There is no absolute right or wrong. In your case, it was right. Don't think about it, of course he shouted and got angry. You caught him doing terrible things that a sane person would be ashamed of. Time to move on.

[central]

Trust, but when suspicions are aroused, verify.

 

If you find nothing, stop snooping and continue trusting.

 

But if you find something, copy it, and look for more evidence until you are absolutely sure. Then, decide what to do with it - confront, or leave, depending on whether you think things can be saved, or not.

[ChessPieceFace]

Is this a joke?

 

You're with a cheater. Move on.

[sleeplessinslc]

I had my own version of snooping today.

 

Went to my ex's IG account- which was public- and I saw what I HAD to see. He and the ex are back together.

 

And this is only after 2 weeks that he dumped me and said he's not ready for a relationship with me, he still loves his ex, I deserve someone who can give me 100%, etc.

 

He's got a point. I deserve someone who can give me 100%.

 

But I've been led on for 6 months into believing he was emotionally available.

 

That image on Instagram confirmed my doubts about him - that he never was serious about me, and that I was merely a plaything.

 

So, I think, your snooping is a necessary step to allow you to move on. If you have not snooped, you'd be left clueless.

[sleeplessinslc]

Trust, but when suspicions are aroused, verify.

 

If you find nothing, stop snooping and continue trusting.

 

But if you find something, copy it, and look for more evidence until you are absolutely sure. Then, decide what to do with it - confront, or leave, depending on whether you think things can be saved, or not.

 

If he has nothing to hide, he has nothing to fear.

[Babolat]

I snopped on my ex gf. I would look at her text messages, look at her FB messages, etc. I never found anything that was not consistant with what she told me or I saw. I could have taken some of what I saw out of contenxt, but the snooping did not reveal anything.

 

I did find a text from a man, at 3:30AM, inviting her to breakfast. She replied asking who it was. He replied stating the man she had talked to at the bar. She did not reply anymore. She told me she met him with a group of other folks, everyone talked, she was leaving with her friend, she gave out her # to one of the other folks, he must have listened, he followed her to her cab, tried to get in, etc. I was not 100% happy to "see" the text, but she did not reply once she saw who it was, which may me feel better.

 

I found another text from a man she met, who she told me about, who played in a band, asking her out on a date. She told me about him, prior to me seeing the text, and asked if we could go see his band play, again prior to me seeing the text. So, she never hid that she met this person. She did reply to the text stating something like "Thanks, but I am in a relationship". I saw something similar on FB, and she replied with "I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate that".

 

Other than that, all of her texts and FB messages were her as I knew her.

 

I felt like crap for snooping, still do.

Edited January 30, 2014 by Babolat

[tlegend]

I snopped on my ex gf. I would look at her text messages, look at her FB messages, etc. I never found anything that was not consistant with what she told me or I saw. I could have taken some of what I saw out of contenxt, but the snooping did not reveal anything.

 

I did find a text from a man, at 3:30AM, inviting her to breakfast. She replied asking who it was. He replied stating the man she had talked to at the bar. She did not reply anymore. She told me she met him with a group of other folks, everyone talked, she was leaving with her friend, she gave out her # to one of the other folks, he must have listened, he followed her to her cab, tried to get in, etc. I was not 100% happy to "see" the text, but she did not reply once she saw who it was, which may me feel better.

 

I found another text from a man she met, who she told me about, who played in a band, asking her out on a date. She told me about him, prior to me seeing the text, and asked if we could go see his band play, again prior to me seeing the text. So, she never hid that she met this person. She did reply to the text stating something like "Thanks, but I am in a relationship". I saw something similar on FB, and she replied with "I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate that".

 

Other than that, all of her texts and FB messages were her as I knew her.

 

I felt like crap for snooping, still do.

 

I wish that had been the case for me.

 

I snooped once. Just once. What I found in her text messages made me so angry...I quite literally began to realize that I was in love with a fascade.

 

She was telling me things that I wanted to hear "I love you, we're in an exlcusive relationship, yadda blah blah" but in her text messages to other guys and her "best friend", I was simply a ****buddy while she finds something new. She had been dating this entire time."

 

Kicked my legs out from underneath me. This happened very recently too...I've actually stopped posting because I had to re-align my bearings. I don't handle strong emotions very well, I often act out, and man oh man....did I not handle this very well.

 

Sorry for the rant....just had to relate.

[Chi townD]

You have NO REASON to feel guilty at all. You have every right to know what's going on in YOUR relationship.

 

However, the only time you should snoop is when you feel that something is off and not snoop for snooping sake.

 

You knew something was off and you looked for the truth. Because, given the behavior of this douche rocket, he was never going to be truthful to you. So, you had every right to discover the truth on your own.

 

He got caught, and caught out bad! So, he did the only thing he knows how to do and that's blameshift. To try and make YOU the bad guy in all of this! He's just angry that his gravy train is over.

 

This wasn't your fault and good on you for finding out the truth. You deserve better than that!

[No Limit]

Seriously?! In your case it was long overdue!

[Babolat]

I wish that had been the case for me.

 

I snooped once. Just once. What I found in her text messages made me so angry...I quite literally began to realize that I was in love with a fascade.

 

She was telling me things that I wanted to hear "I love you, we're in an exlcusive relationship, yadda blah blah" but in her text messages to other guys and her "best friend", I was simply a ****buddy while she finds something new. She had been dating this entire time."

 

Kicked my legs out from underneath me. This happened very recently too...I've actually stopped posting because I had to re-align my bearings. I don't handle strong emotions very well, I often act out, and man oh man....did I not handle this very well.

 

Sorry for the rant....just had to relate.

 

I feel for you man, I really do. I snooped as something did feel off, mostly because of her desire to party and go out so much. I stopped after 2 - 3 times as it felt obsessive. In our recent attempt to try again I had no desire to snoop.

[Realist3]

Was it wrong to snoop or was it wrong for him to cheat? Which one in your mind is worse? You would still be living a lie, so I think the snooping is far outweighed by what he was doing.

[tlegend]

Was it wrong to snoop or was it wrong for him to cheat? Which one in your mind is worse? You would still be living a lie, so I think the snooping is far outweighed by what he was doing.

 

Snooping is wrong, albeit a small risk compared to the reward.

 

Best case scenario : You decide to snoop for whatever reason (yes, morally wrong...) and find out you are a giant ******* for not trusting your partner.

 

Worst case scenario: You decide to snoop for whatever reason (still morally wrong) and find out the person you thought you were in a relationship with is someone else / cheating on you.

 

Every other result will most likely fall between those 2 extremes.

 

I firmly believe that snooping is wrong, but when you get to the point of wanting to snoop / validate issues you may be having in your relationship...I think it becomes a comparison of risk vs. reward.

 

The risk is that you are violating trust (which is very important in a relationship) in order to gain the reward of evidence...or peace of mind.

 

In my experience, and as short of lives as we have, the risk will always be worth the reward. Especially if you plan on marrying that individual.

[harrybrown]

I am glad that you did snoop.

 

You are free from a cheater and a player. I hope the next relationship is better for you.

 

Do something for yourself now, you need something nice in your life for you.

 

His response spoke loud and clear. He was not remorseful and is very selfish.

[Realist3]

Snooping is wrong, albeit a small risk compared to the reward.

 

Best case scenario : You decide to snoop for whatever reason (yes, morally wrong...) and find out you are a giant ******* for not trusting your partner.

 

Worst case scenario: You decide to snoop for whatever reason (still morally wrong) and find out the person you thought you were in a relationship with is someone else / cheating on you.

 

Every other result will most likely fall between those 2 extremes.

 

I firmly believe that snooping is wrong, but when you get to the point of wanting to snoop / validate issues you may be having in your relationship...I think it becomes a comparison of risk vs. reward.

 

The risk is that you are violating trust (which is very important in a relationship) in order to gain the reward of evidence...or peace of mind.

 

In my experience, and as short of lives as we have, the risk will always be worth the reward. Especially if you plan on marrying that individual.

 

The violation of trust FIRST happened when the person decided to cheat.

 

In this instance of the cheater being upset by any moral boundaries of snooping, has no case. You can't bring that back on someone. "Hey I was effing around on you and you were wrong for snooping."

 

Now understand, I think snooping is wrong, but when the 'perp" is found guilty by the "Snooper" the dynamic changes dramatically.

[crederer]

I was with my boyfriend for 3 years, we'd been living together for just over a year. He'd been very open with me when we first met about how in the past he'd been a player and had cheated at some point on all his exes. But he said this time it was different what he felt for more he hadn't felt before. I decided to trust him but i was still very wary but I needed to trust as what i was feeling I had never felt before.

 

Everything was going great for 2 years and then we decided to live together. It was great for the first couple of months but then we began having really big arguments about just silly things, I put it down to the fact that we were struggling financially and that we were both stressed. Then he began becoming more distant, he always had a lot of girl friends that he'd text and phone and I had no problem with it before but now suddenly I was feeling more jealous. He was giving them more time than he was giving me.

 

Then one day his phone flashed up with a new message and I just saw it pop in the top bar of his phone and i was shocked what i was reading it said "When you coming round later to 'working late at work'. I've got a movie ;)" Things started running through my head at 100mph, all them times he would text or ring and say he had to work late was he really just going to this woman's house. That night I went on his phone while he slept to see if there was anything else but the message I had originally seen wasn't there and the only messages that were there were just innocent.

 

I was a bit scared to confront him as I didn't want to lose him but as the days past I had enough. I had read in a magazine about a woman who used an app to track her partner and find out what he was getting up to so i took to the internet searching for an app I could put on his phone. The only thing was the ones I could find were a visible app and my ex was very good with computers and phones and I thought he would notice it. I had just about given up when I came across this one app where once I installed it I delete the installer and then the app runs completely stealthy. I was excited but very nervous. So one night while he slept I went onto his phone and installed it. Scared what I was going to find out when I woke up in the morning I could hardly sleep and feeling a little bit guilty.

 

But then the next morning as soon as he went to work I logged on and my jaw dropped with what I found. Loads of pictures with him kissing and cuddling about 5 other girls. In that morning on his way to work he'd sent about 10 messages to this one girl and a phone call to another. In the afternoon I got a message from him saying he'd be late so I thought i'd use the geo-track option to find out where he really was and funnily enough he wasn't at work. Then using the background recorder I could here this woman giggling. That was it I was so upset and so angry I was shaking as soon as he got home I bit his head off and blurted everything out about what i had found.

 

He wasn't even sorry he was just angry that I had snooped. I kicked him out but now I can't help but feel guilty that I had snooped but at the same time I think if I hadn't of done I would still be in a relationship which wasn't going anywhere.

 

Was I wrong?

 

I didn't read your whole post but no it isn't wrong to snoop in a relationship. If you are snooping at the drop of the hat, yeah, that's not cool. But if some legit crazy stuff is going on then I don't see anything unethical about snooping. I don't think people should have to hide anything from their partner. There are some things meant to be private, i/e journals, banking information, etc. But I really cant think of a reason why social devices should be kept private.