Someone, GUIDE me!

[blueseptember]

Hello,

 

I came across this forum in a google search. I am married and was in an affair with a married man for 8 weeks. The affair was intense and amazing. It showed me what I was missing in my 20 years of marriage. I did not want to break up my marriage or his, but I needed something else and he came along and fulfilled anything plus more than I could have hoped for.

 

Then, around 6-8 weeks, things got weird. He went from my everything to needing to break it off. As it turns out, his wife was pregnant throughout our entire affair (literally, she must have gotten pregnant the week we met). He had lied to me about having sex with her as well as the status of their relationship...which I never pressured him about, I only wanted a physical affair and he escalated it into more by the way he wrote to me, things he said and the way he treated me. I had actually asked him to break it off around the 3 week mark because it was getting too serious (which was when he would have found out she was pregnant). He begged me to stay with him.

 

Now I am angry that he abused my good will and knew I was falling for him. He knew how vulnerable I was because I did not have a good situation at home. If he had just said "I do have sex at home, we are trying to get pregnant and I just want to have sex outside my marriage" I would have accepted things for what they are...but I feel he led me astray.

 

Part of me wants revenge, I feel the need to DO SOMETHING! I have not contacted him in about 2 weeks since our last contact (he still did not tell me she was pregnant, even at the end). I know how crazed this sounds. I know I have become obsessed....but I can't seem to let go.

 

How, how do I move past this... how can I gain the strength not to confront him and tell him I know, that I'm not completely stupid...why would he allow me to fall for him when he knew his wife was pregnant the whole time??

 

I read so many posts here similar to mine and I am hoping for some support and maybe some stories. I want his wife to know, it makes me so mad! I feel like taking revenge! These are crazy thoughts.....:mad:

[proseandpassion]

Don't give him the ego boost of granting him a chance to explain. If you were to be emotional and confront him about his lies, that's narcissistic supply (I do believe a lot of MM who lie and contort the truth have narcissistic tendencies). Just tell him you're done, and never contact him again. He sounds like a total liar.

[Owl]

How, how do I move past this... how can I gain the strength not to confront him and tell him I know, that I'm not completely stupid...why would he allow me to fall for him when he knew his wife was pregnant the whole time??

 

 

You change your focus to resolving the issues you have at home. Fixing or ending the bad relationship you've got in your marriage.

 

That will quickly get you 'over' the married other man.

[ComingInHot]

These really are Crazy thoughts. Normal, but crazy. I can't see taking revenge on a mother with a newborn who knew Nothing about You and probably thought her M was pretty good. How devastating for her!! She didn't do this to you. You and MM did AND you & MM did it to her behind her back!

 

I'm all for telling the truth but Not in the rage you are in.

 

As a side note You and MM did this to your H too...

[blueseptember]

Thank you for your quick replies....I really needed to hear from someone out there just different opinions.

 

Please let me add, my H and I have not had any physical relations in 3 years. We live in separate rooms and have decided to stay together for our children. I am not saying having an affair was an answer or trying to make it right, I am just saying, that I finally got to a point where I had to have a physical connection with someone as I'm not old enough to go without for 3 years. My marriage is broken, but we parent together and have chosen to try and stay together for a few more years until the kids are in college.

 

Of course, I don't want to hurt his wife intentionally, I want to get back at him and I can't think of any other way except making him suffer.... I am trying to control myself, my anger and these thoughts. All I can think of is - why did he lie? Why would you let someone fall for you willingly... She doesn't really play into my thoughts, but thank you for bringing her to the front because she probably doesn't deserve it if she is married to him anyway.

 

I am just looking to figure out how in the hell do I move past this? Is it really normal to have these feelings? I've never felt this way my entire life!:mad:

[ComingInHot]

Blue September, I actually think it really IS normal to have these feelings and thoughts*

It's having the adult self control to NOT act on them. Also hard.

 

Maybe think of the repercussions of actually Telling MM'S W. If your kids are old enough to pick up on things, they may figure out you cheated on Their Dad. Things Could get real ugly Real Fast with your relationship with them. And last years...

 

I'm Not saying Don't tell. I'm suggesting WAIT until you have dealt with yourself and Humbly give her the information with your deepest regret and apology. Right now, I don't see you being "there"*

[Owl]

Thank you for your quick replies....I really needed to hear from someone out there just different opinions.

 

Please let me add, my H and I have not had any physical relations in 3 years. We live in separate rooms and have decided to stay together for our children. I am not saying having an affair was an answer or trying to make it right, I am just saying, that I finally got to a point where I had to have a physical connection with someone as I'm not old enough to go without for 3 years. My marriage is broken, but we parent together and have chosen to try and stay together for a few more years until the kids are in college.

 

Of course, I don't want to hurt his wife intentionally, I want to get back at him and I can't think of any other way except making him suffer.... I am trying to control myself, my anger and these thoughts. All I can think of is - why did he lie? Why would you let someone fall for you willingly... She doesn't really play into my thoughts, but thank you for bringing her to the front because she probably doesn't deserve it if she is married to him anyway.

 

I am just looking to figure out how in the hell do I move past this? Is it really normal to have these feelings? I've never felt this way my entire life!:mad:

 

Have you and your husband agreed to an open marriage? If so...then that would indicate that you've done what you needed to on that side of things. If not...focus on reaching that goal.

[road]

Blueseptember you need to tell the OMW and your BH. Then get the book surviving an affair by Dr Harley.

[Realist3]

I want his wife to know, it makes me so mad! I feel like taking revenge!

 

So you would like his wife to know for revenge and to make him suffer.

 

Let's pretend you decide to go through with that little plan. Then what? What will you have accomplished?

 

Secondly, I would say that if you fell so hard for someone in only 8 weeks you were moving a bit to hastily with your emotions.

 

I would suggest you take a step back from the ledge and realize this for what it was, a brief fling. He told you what he needed to to get into your pants. You fell for it. Lesson learned and chalk it up to experience.

[blue963]

I very much understand why you did what you did and why you are hurt. Perhaps before you do anything let you feelings calm down. You have stayed in your marriage for your children so I now you care about children deeply, otherwise you wouldnt have stayed in a situation that causes you this much pain. Therefore, remember that what you do can cause pain for another child. Take care

[herself]

What a JERK he is. Ugh

[blueseptember]

This board really helps. I wasn't sure how it would, but knowing you are not the only one to experience crazy emotions does help. I am calmer today, but still in the frame of mind that I should contact him to tell him he can tell his wife or I will.

[Realist3]

This board really helps. I wasn't sure how it would, but knowing you are not the only one to experience crazy emotions does help. I am calmer today, but still in the frame of mind that I should contact him to tell him he can tell his wife or I will.

 

What is your endgame with this action? Are you wanting him to be gone forever? That will surely do it. Are you just wanting him to suffer? That will surely do it.

 

You can certainly get all the revenge you want, but where will that get you?

[Realist3]

Did he come and try and blow up your family? No. So why on earth would you want to do that to his family simply because you feel used?

 

Be a little more mature.

[Berkley]

Ignore the posters who are encouraging you to tell his W...and your H. For some of them, it is a canned response to every single poster on here involved in any kind of A, regardless of the circumstances.

 

 

It s not up to you to tell his W anything, nor is it up to you to demand that he does. Their marriage is none of your business, so stay out of it.

This was not a love affair that went on for years....it was a short sexual fling, nothing more.

 

 

You say you and your H are still together for your kids ( the fact that you think it's healthy for kids to grow up in an unhappy home with parents sleeping in separate rooms and having no real feelings or relationship is another story all together )...and yet, you have no problem at all about destroying the family of an innocent unborn infant just so that you can get some pay back ???

 

 

Stay away from him, stay away from his family...stay out of his marriage.

[ZMM]

Ignore the posters who are encouraging you to tell his W...and your H. For some of them, it is a canned response to every single poster on here involved in any kind of A, regardless of the circumstances.

 

Very true and very good advice.

[whichwayisup]

If you tell his wife and blow up his marriage, be prepared for them to turn around the blow up your marriage, they will tell your husband. This goes both ways. IF you tell, expect reaction, drama and lots of fallout.

[blueseptember]

I'm not going to tell his W, because I wouldn't want to be in her shoes if the table was turned. Perhaps they will work it out.

 

I am not going to destroy his family, he is probably doing most of that on his own with his alcoholic tendencies...I haven't mentioned he is recovering and does not tell his wife about his relapses.

 

I got caught up after a very long, unhappy marriage - to finally have for 8 weeks, the attention I needed. I know many of you think it's pathetic, but that's what it is.

 

I'm mad at him for lying and wish there was a way to know why he did what he did and hope that he has some remorse about it.

 

I do appreciate ALL the different feedback, each is helpful or interesting in its own way. I'm upset, angry and hurt......but I'm not evil.

[Appreciate]

One of the reasons people say you should expose to the BW is that her H may be a serial cheater.

 

If this isn't his first rodeo with another woman, the fact that he has cheated once means he may be likely to do it again.

 

I don't advocate telling a BW during her pregnancy for the obvious reasons, either.

 

 

Why did he do what he did? Are you really that naive? For sex, for the ego boost, and perhaps because he was not having much sex with his wife while she was pregnant. He's a dog.

 

If you and your hubby aren't even sleeping in the same room, what do you children think of that? That sounds like a loveless and sexless relationship and I don't see how that benefits the children. You're duping them. Maybe you should both consider allowing each other to date other people. However, more than likely, if you do that then you will fall in love with someone and leave your husband. So maybe it's best you stick to your plan.

 

What kind of counseling have you sought with your husband?

[blueseptember]

I originally wasn't going to reply about my marriage, as I was only posting about my affair, but I see that a lot of people get great replies on these boards.

 

My children are very happy and pretty well balanced, do well in school and socially.

 

My H and I separated for 3 months about 16 months ago and while it was good for me, he became severely depressed and my children did as well. So, call it what you like, but he came home and life resumed as before.

 

H refuses therapy, though we have tried in the past. He just disengages and it's not worth the time and money for someone not interested in changing.

 

H could live like this forever as long as his family was intact - it is me who is crumbling under the pressures of a poor marriage.

 

I don't disagree with anyone that we are dysfunctional, but it is a point in time and we do our best as parents. He is a decent man and father, he is just not a husband.

 

Living without a relationship in your marriage for close to 10 years is not an easy thing to do, though I try. My A gave me some hope that there is life after a bad marriage and I could feel love and loved again (even if it was a brief moment). I did fall easily, it was like laying a feast before a starving woman, so it wasn't hard to do.

 

I still feel mad I was duped by his lying. Maybe I am just dumb and blind (in this), but it's sure not what it felt like in the time it happened. This man told me everything about his life "except" that one really important fact - I don't understand how he would risk sharing all that information unless he was feeling as confused as I was at the time.

[ComingInHot]

I think I'm getting lost Blue September. I've read in a couple different posts including your opening one here that you were just fine with the A and the sex and would have remained fine with it continuing so long as MM had just been Honest about still having sex with His Wife.

If I'm wrong on this, please tell me*

 

Okay so why then, if the above IS accurate, why are you so much more angry because His Wife had His Baby? You have had kids with Your H right? You still would have had sex with Her H right?

 

I'm Not trying to be sarcastic here. I'm only trying to figure out why the anger wheen normally having sex with someone can often times lead to a baby.

 

Alright last and possibly sensitive question, do you think some of this anger is stemming from you wishing it was You being pregnant with Her H's baby and having His child instead? I don't know if that is totally unheard of for an OW or if it's completely whacked for me to even think in the slightest.

[blueseptember]

Maybe saying loved was too strong a word....I liked the attention the affair provided. I just meant reciprocal feelings during the affair (physical, emotional).

 

I like that you asked questions, but I don't want to be pregnant. He is much younger than me, and my family is complete and I'm satisfied with that.

 

He told me he wasn't having any relations with his wife, but after reading these boards it seems like a standard lie men tell.

 

The more I read and write, the less angry I get and look at how silly I sound.

 

I just feel he should have told the truth about sleeping with his wife and her being pregnant because he knew my emotions were getting stronger and he was playing into them. I was clearly played. But I'm just in denial and shock and mad about it! I guess I figured I was honest so my partner would be honest. There was enough dishonesty in having the affair, why create even more? Someone called me naive, I guess I am. But, lesson learned.

 

I'm still mad! Just not so much. He is a serial cheater, he told me about previous affairs. I should have paid more attention.

 

But, I'm still mad!

[ComingInHot]

I don't blame you for being mad at exMM and I hear what you're saying*

[whichwayisup]

I just feel he should have told the truth about sleeping with his wife and her being pregnant because he knew my emotions were getting stronger and he was playing into them

 

And this is why he didn't tell you. He didn't want to deal with having to justify or explain his sex life with his wife, to deal with any drama or emotional outbursts by you, any jealously or hurt feelings. Not saying you would have emotional outbursts, though many OW do when they find out the truth that their MM is in fact still having sex with his wife. He did what was best for him - tell a lie and keep the peace.

 

MM are skilled liars and manipulators, which is why so many can get away with having an A right under their spouses noses. They are great at playing the game and making it seem normal. When he was with you, he was with you. When he was at home with his wife, he was with his wife. Some men are great at separating love and sex, and obviously great at keeping two women going at the same time, albeit, one is in the dark.

 

You had your reasons for having an affair, your MM had his.

[Lady2163]

I have actually got revenge on a couple of exes who 'done me wrong' it is pretty sweet, I won't lie.

 

But, here is the thing I learned about it. I spent way too much time wracking my brain how I could make one man suffer the way he made me suffer. It took months for me to figure out that I would never make him feel the emotions he made me feel, because HE DIDN'T LOVE ME. There was nothing I could say or do that would make him experience the same heartbreak. Once I realized that, I knew I had to get creative.

 

However, I've never done anything that hurt a third party involved in their life. I made sure they were the only ones to suffer.

 

One ex-boyfriend was an alcoholic...well probably still is. He also had a medical condition and had his drivers license removed. He used a relatives address in another state and got a license from that state.

 

One time I was traveling for work. Years had passed. I knew I would be back in that area. I added an extra day onto my trip and after the work was done, I drove the two hours to his location and waited outside the bar. Even before he had turned the key, I was on the phone and calling the local police to tell them there was a car weaving on the road. I dropped back as far as I could. Before he made it home, he was pulled over. I drove past the traffic stop, turned the corner and then snuck around and watched.

 

He argued with the police. He resisted arrest. It was beautiful to watch.

 

A DUI in that state can easily cost $5000. Plus, there may have been an anonymous note sent to the DA about his license status.

 

He didn't have the money for bond or the fine. He spent several days in jail before he found someone to bail him out. He was pretty much a wimp and a spoiled brat, so jail had to be sheer hell for him.

 

Did I make him feel heartbreak? No. Did I feel that personal justice was done? You bet.

 

He was abusive. He was a user. He cheated on me numerous times and could have exposed me to diseases because he was not a fan of condoms. He was neglectful.

 

I do believe 'what goes around, comes around' and we may not always be there to see how things play out. This time, I was able to see (partially) how it played out.

 

I predict the MM of the OP will someday get what he is due. Alcoholics often end up alone. Their kids hate them. I think sometimes the kids hate an alkie worse than a cheat.

 

One other thing...my folks slept in separate beds or separate room for 20+ years of their marriage. They both were uh...larger people and did not fit together well in a queen bed...nor was the bedroom large enough for a king bed. Once mom hit menopause, her thermostat shot up. She was always hot and my dad was always cold. They were happily married and it was normal to me. I didn't think anything about it.