Author blueseptember Posted January 31, 2014 Author Share Posted January 31, 2014 I have actually got revenge on a couple of exes who 'done me wrong' it is pretty sweet, I won't lie. ...... One other thing...my folks slept in separate beds or separate room for 20+ years of their marriage. They both were uh...larger people and did not fit together well in a queen bed...nor was the bedroom large enough for a king bed. Once mom hit menopause, her thermostat shot up. She was always hot and my dad was always cold. They were happily married and it was normal to me. I didn't think anything about it. THANK YOU! For the part about your parents, I know we can't be the only ones in the world who sleep apart. We don't fight in front of the children and my kids are happy. In the end, that's the choice I made. It's just very, very hard to live without any reciprocal feelings. I do want revenge....but I can't see taking it out in any way...but you are right, it's about trying to make him feel something of what I'm feeling, and I can't make that happen. I've started to wonder if actually contacting him to just talk about it, out some closure on it, would make a difference? The reason this is in my mind is because he actually sent me an email last night to ask if he could make his amends to me...... do you think it's bait for his bad habit? Or do I use it to put an end to my crazy thoughts? YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 My folks did eventually start to sleep in the same bed again. Mom got tired of washing two beds and dad had to wear several layers of clothes! As to whether or not you should see him, ask yourself if there is really anything he can say or do that will make it better. I'm really distrustful of addicts. I think they play people every minute of their day. Link to post Share on other sites
Berkley Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 The reply you will get from the majority will tell you to ignore him. No contact at all for any reason. But...regardless of his intentions, whether he wants to apologize or try to start things again...if getting some closure by way of an explanation will help you move on....then see what he has to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 I am a firm believer in talking things out, so I would suggest you talk to him. You can voice your anger and see what he has to say instead of forever wondering. What you do from there is up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 Ignore the posters who are encouraging you to tell his W...and your H. For some of them, it is a canned response to every single poster on here involved in any kind of A, regardless of the circumstances. Whether or not it's a "canned response", that doesn't actually negate the value of the advice. Building, or rebuilding, a life on lies is no way to go. I suggest that she tell her H...so that she can either fix her marriage, or end it. Staying in it when it sucks is the last thing I'd recommend to anyone. Yep...mine is a canned response for the most part...because it's the right advice the vast majority of the time. It s not up to you to tell his W anything, nor is it up to you to demand that he does. Their marriage is none of your business, so stay out of it. This was not a love affair that went on for years....it was a short sexual fling, nothing more. She became "involved in their business" by virtue of having an affair with him. Telling her or not, I'm somewhat ambivilant on. She deserves to know the truth...but if telling her could pose a risk to the OP, then I'd say she's best just focusing on resolving her own situation. Does it matter if it's just a little bit of dog poop in a batch of brownies, or a whole lot...would you want to eat them either way? "How long" is irrelevent. You say you and your H are still together for your kids ( the fact that you think it's healthy for kids to grow up in an unhappy home with parents sleeping in separate rooms and having no real feelings or relationship is another story all together )...and yet, you have no problem at all about destroying the family of an innocent unborn infant just so that you can get some pay back ??? Stay away from him, stay away from his family...stay out of his marriage. Would have been some excellent PRE-AFFAIR advice...but now that she's gotten involved, that makes this a bit more self-serving than noble. I still feel the OP would be better served changing her focus on resolving her own issues in her own marriage over worrying about OM's wife tho. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueseptember Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 Just an update.....after a week, I can't get over how my anger at the situation disappeared. I'm so thankful I came across these boards and asked for support instead of acting out. For a normally mature and level-headed woman, I was acting and feeling like a teenager. I have heard from my xAP, and we will plan to talk tomorrow over coffee. I wrote down what I think I would like to ask him to gain closure. He has decided not to tell his wife, but has sought therapy, and I am glad for him. I have chosen not to tell my H. I hope I can find the closure I need. But I did realize, as with all things, time heals. Thanks again for support in this forum. Mostly thanks for stopping me from doing something stupid I would regret the rest of my life (sorry to those who think I shoukd regret the affair - I do not). Link to post Share on other sites
Appreciate Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 I'm glad you found support here and didn't get involved in a deeper mess. And that your anger has dissipated. But can I ask you.. what would keep you from having another affair? It sounds like you've only learned to not to get too involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueseptember Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 I'm glad you found support here and didn't get involved in a deeper mess. And that your anger has dissipated. But can I ask you.. what would keep you from having another affair? It sounds like you've only learned to not to get too involved. Hi Appreciate, I don't think I could be stopped from having another affair. You are right, I just learned how not to be too involved. Add to that, when I saw my xAP over coffee and he was clearly interested in starting up again, as long as I wasn't "too involved" ... the lesson I learned was...I was in it for personal fulfillment that I am not getting at home, but not a relationship. I know many people don't like to hear this kind of truth. But, there is no fixing my marriage, and no sense for me to live without sex and some fulfillment. Blue Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Hi Appreciate, I don't think I could be stopped from having another affair. You are right, I just learned how not to be too involved. Add to that, when I saw my xAP over coffee and he was clearly interested in starting up again, as long as I wasn't "too involved" ... the lesson I learned was...I was in it for personal fulfillment that I am not getting at home, but not a relationship. I know many people don't like to hear this kind of truth. But, there is no fixing my marriage, and no sense for me to live without sex and some fulfillment. Blue Is divorce a possibility? Will it be a possibility if you're discovered? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueseptember Posted February 8, 2014 Author Share Posted February 8, 2014 Sure, divorce is a possibility, but not now. Discovery.....let's hope not. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted February 8, 2014 Share Posted February 8, 2014 And if you the A was discovered? Have you moved on or is restarting the A a possibility? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueseptember Posted February 9, 2014 Author Share Posted February 9, 2014 I don't think restarting the affair will happen, but it could. I just doubt it. Better to let it be rather than to get hurt again. I believe I became too involved with my A, which would lead to bigger issues down the road. I am just learning to let go of him now. Again, discovery, I hope not. If discovered, I would be honest if my H wanted information. I don't think he would be surprised. He has not had sex with me for years....I wonder if he is just sitting waiting? Perhaps, not. But I am not curious enough to look into it. My A was no overnight decision, I waited years before deciding. Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Are you (and your H) willing to address the fact that you two haven't been intimate for years? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueseptember Posted February 10, 2014 Author Share Posted February 10, 2014 Yes, we have addressed this multiple times, over the years, including recently. My husband has ED, refuses to take pills because he gets "a headache" and would rather go without. At least, this is what he tells me. His doctors recommend trying alternative medications for ED and he refuses. Link to post Share on other sites
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