A Question

[Crazy_Love]

A quick recap of my situation and then a question: I've been in a sexless, loveless marriage for the last 17 years. Been to tons of counselors, doctors, pastors, everything, my husband is simply emotionless and that translates into our marriage. I can't leave because of the kids, we are roommates and unofficially separated (ie not legally but emotionally).

 

I've been in a three year relationship with my best friend. I love him very much, hardly any of it is sexual, we see each other every day for 6+ hours per day. He is married, won't leave his wife, he loves her and yes, they are still intimate on rare occasions. He says he loves me too. I know it's wrong but he makes my life bearable and I fix his marriage.

 

Anyway to the question...a while ago he admitted that he didn't like the thought of me with anyone else. He realized it was hypocritical of him and never asked me not to be. At that time, I was too emotionally drained to think about dating and so I assured him that I would neither date nor sleep with anyone else and I haven't. Lately, however, I realize that I need to open myself up to the possibility of love because neither my H nor my MM are affectionate or loving, though my MM is better than H but it's not what I need. I'm not going to actively look for someone but I want to remain open to who might come my way.

 

My question is, knowing that MM will be upset about this, do I need to tell him? Do I have that obligation?

[TaraMaiden]

Are you serious? I mean...is this for real??

 

A quick recap of my situation and then a question: I've been in a sexless, loveless marriage for the last 17 years. Been to tons of counselors, doctors, pastors, everything, my husband is simply emotionless and that translates into our marriage. I can't leave because of the kids,

 

This is utter claptrap, and frankly, a poor excuse.

 

we are roommates and unofficially separated (ie not legally but emotionally).

No - you're married. There IS no separation if it's not legally agreed.

You are married, and cheating, being unfaithful, and your H is a cuckold, no matter what you opinion is of him.

 

Now....

 

I've been in a three year relationship with my best friend. I love him very much, hardly any of it is sexual, we see each other every day for 6+ hours per day.

So he's a colleague....

 

He is married, won't leave his wife, he loves her and yes, they are still intimate on rare occasions. He says he loves me too. I know it's wrong but he makes my life bearable and I fix his marriage.

No, you don't.

You fracture it, get in its way, and prevent him from dedicating his time, love affection and attention to his wife.

he is a cake-eater.

he has the best of both worlds, uses you for gratification, and gets screwed at home too, by a woman who is in all probability completely oblivious to the fact that her husband is a lying, cheating scheming louse.

 

Anyway to the question...a while ago he admitted that he didn't like the thought of me with anyone else. He realized it was hypocritical of him and never asked me not to be. At that time, I was too emotionally drained to think about dating and so I assured him that I would neither date nor sleep with anyone else and I haven't.

So let me get this straight:

You lie, and cheat on the mn you're actually married to with seemingly no qualms or pricks of conscience, but you are going to remain faithful to a a man who has no right to ask that of you - and who also phukks his wife regularly, and cheats and lies to her?

 

Interesting.

Carry on....

 

Lately, however, I realize that I need to open myself up to the possibility of love because neither my H nor my MM are affectionate or loving, though my MM is better than H but it's not what I need. I'm not going to actively look for someone but I want to remain open to who might come my way.

Oh right.

Would that ever mean telling your H the truth and divorcing him, as he deserves, and also giving up and dumping your fellow liar-cheater, and going out on a limb on your own - or would you be taking an additional lover?

 

My question is, knowing that MM will be upset about this, do I need to tell him? Do I have that obligation?

You have no obligation to him, other than the one you impose upon yourself to have sex with him when it suits him.

You obligation is to your husband, to STOP CHEATING!! Divorce him, gain joint custody of the kids - and THEN think about forming a relationship with someone else!!

 

I can't even believe you asked the question.....

[awkward]

How old are your kids?

[blue963]

Crazy love: I do understand what you are saying about your H. My H acts the same way. We have been married for almost 26 years. Yes I have stayed for the kids and for the fact that i am caring for an elderly/ill parent. Yes the other man does make it bearable. I had an event caused by my H within the past month and we will be getting a D. I have told him and there is no IF but WHEN. I know the responses above were harsh, but they do not understand the full situation.

 

I do not think you owe it to the MM to tell him, but if he isn't meeting your needs perhaps it is better to stick to a friend ship with him. Im sorry for you, because I know how if feels to have no options.

[soundsfamilar]

sometimes you think you have no options, but you do. perhaps not now, but eventually. kids grow up. elderly parents will eventually not be with us anymore (sadly). staying in a completely loveless marriage forever is heartbreaking, unless you really can transform it into a friendship (i.e. alternative lifestyle). some people can, most can't. anyway, i hope you find a way out, both crazy_love and blue963.

 

and in answer to your original question: you have no obligation to this MM, although you may feel like you do. i would hope you keep your heart open to other people who might make you much happier than he ever can.

Edited January 28, 2014 by soundsfamilar

[pteromom]

My question is, knowing that MM will be upset about this, do I need to tell him? Do I have that obligation?

 

You don't have the obligation, as he is married to someone else. But it depends on how you will feel about it. If you go on a date, are you going to feel like you are doing something wrong by "cheating" on your MM? If so, then go ahead and tell him.

 

He has no right to ask you to be monogamous with him when he is sleeping with his wife.

 

And I assume your husband knows about all this and is ok with it? If not, you should resolve that before going out to date others.

[veryhappy]

If your MM were to look for another OW, would you like him to tell you. There's your answer. I also encourage minimizing any STD risk with so many people involved.

 

Your A is not great. Why not dump him altogether and find a good match?

[A.Moscote]

I've skimmed through your threads and so sorry that you're in such a difficult situation. One man is so neglecting, while the other seems so manipulating.

 

It's almost certain that your M is not going to work (17 years sexless, loveless??! omg), so that your biggest concern right now is how to get off it. You don't have to hurry, but at least start planning and seeking advice.

 

Due to your situation, if you decide to be open for future R, please don't hide it from your H so that at least you're not outright deceiving/lying. Though for me the righteous way is to persevere and settle your M/Divorce first.

 

Now about the MM, oh he's a worthless manipulator whom you don't have any obligations toward to. TaraMaiden pointed on this clearly. Just accept that he's just a toy for your release/escape and move on. Remember there's another woman and kids behind that in complicit you're hurting if you pursuit the affair.

 

In the meanwhile seek comfort and fun with your friends, kids or families.

[Crazy_Love]

Are you serious? I mean...is this for real??

 

 

 

This is utter claptrap, and frankly, a poor excuse.

 

 

No - you're married. There IS no separation if it's not legally agreed.

You are married, and cheating, being unfaithful, and your H is a cuckold, no matter what you opinion is of him.

 

Now....

 

 

So he's a colleague....

 

 

No, you don't.

You fracture it, get in its way, and prevent him from dedicating his time, love affection and attention to his wife.

he is a cake-eater.

he has the best of both worlds, uses you for gratification, and gets screwed at home too, by a woman who is in all probability completely oblivious to the fact that her husband is a lying, cheating scheming louse.

 

 

So let me get this straight:

You lie, and cheat on the mn you're actually married to with seemingly no qualms or pricks of conscience, but you are going to remain faithful to a a man who has no right to ask that of you - and who also phukks his wife regularly, and cheats and lies to her?

 

Interesting.

Carry on....

 

 

Oh right.

Would that ever mean telling your H the truth and divorcing him, as he deserves, and also giving up and dumping your fellow liar-cheater, and going out on a limb on your own - or would you be taking an additional lover?

 

 

You have no obligation to him, other than the one you impose upon yourself to have sex with him when it suits him.

You obligation is to your husband, to STOP CHEATING!! Divorce him, gain joint custody of the kids - and THEN think about forming a relationship with someone else!!

 

I can't even believe you asked the question.....

 

 

Perhaps you should ask questions first instead of throwing out accusations. You are a jackass. That said, I'm going to answer your questions to clarify for the people who WERE kind and helpful.

 

We are not legally separated. We share a home and finances. However, we have agreed to allow each other to see other people since we know our marriage is unsalvageable and have agreed our primary duty is to the kids. My H knows all about my relationship with the MM. He has met him and talked to him. They get along. I am not doing anything behind my husband's back.

 

Secondly, we are not colleagues. He is a doctoral student, I work from home. This allows us flexibility to spend our days together however we choose.

 

Thirdly, I DO fix their marriage. Those are words from his wife's mouth, verbatim. He is happier because of our relationship, therefore they are happy. I provide him with everything she does not and she knows this.

 

Think before you speak.

[Crazy_Love]

How old are your kids?

 

13 and 16. Our goal is to continue our marriage until our youngest is at least 18. My husband and I have agreed that our primary responsibility is to our children. Therefore, we remain married. We get along well, do not argue but there is no love like a marriage should have. I've done everything I can to try and change that but to no avail.

[Crazy_Love]

Crazy love: I do understand what you are saying about your H. My H acts the same way. We have been married for almost 26 years. Yes I have stayed for the kids and for the fact that i am caring for an elderly/ill parent. Yes the other man does make it bearable. I had an event caused by my H within the past month and we will be getting a D. I have told him and there is no IF but WHEN. I know the responses above were harsh, but they do not understand the full situation.

 

I do not think you owe it to the MM to tell him, but if he isn't meeting your needs perhaps it is better to stick to a friend ship with him. Im sorry for you, because I know how if feels to have no options.

 

Thank you so much for your advice. You obviously understand my situation. I hope things resolve for you soon, it is very hard.

[Realist3]

I would tell your MM that you need more than he is able to provide.

[Crazy_Love]

I've skimmed through your threads and so sorry that you're in such a difficult situation. One man is so neglecting, while the other seems so manipulating.

 

It's almost certain that your M is not going to work (17 years sexless, loveless??! omg), so that your biggest concern right now is how to get off it. You don't have to hurry, but at least start planning and seeking advice.

 

Due to your situation, if you decide to be open for future R, please don't hide it from your H so that at least you're not outright deceiving/lying. Though for me the righteous way is to persevere and settle your M/Divorce first.

 

Now about the MM, oh he's a worthless manipulator whom you don't have any obligations toward to. TaraMaiden pointed on this clearly. Just accept that he's just a toy for your release/escape and move on. Remember there's another woman and kids behind that in complicit you're hurting if you pursuit the affair.

 

In the meanwhile seek comfort and fun with your friends, kids or families.

 

I should add that MM does not have any children. My kids know him as my best friend and that's it.

[TaraMaiden]

Perhaps you should ask questions first instead of throwing out accusations. You are a jackass. That said, I'm going to answer your questions to clarify for the people who WERE kind and helpful

First of all, I speak as I find. And I find this situation deplorable and unforgivable, because of what you're teaching your children. Both you and your husband have reached an state approval that is frankly, a sham. Your children will learn, in time, that you and your H had no love other than that of companionship, which is settling for second best and tolerating a situation that is frankly, completely unsatisfactory to both of you.

You in particular.

Is this what you would like your children to emulate? 20 years of ho-hum, passionless, boring and at times frustratingly distressing? If either one of them came to you with the news that their marriage was a sham, they were miserable with their sexless spouse and no amount of counselling therapy or support had helped - you'd tell them to stick it out and carry on being miserable, while having an affair - would you? Really?

Plenty of marriages with children have broken up and the children have survived to tell the tale. At least they dealt with honesty, instead of a deceitful facade that really does nobody any favours.

 

Why do people always expect or assume everyone is going to treat their situation with kid gloves and a softly-softly approach?

Some people 'liked' my initial post. Which must mean that others feel the same way. You can't post on a forum website, especially with a tale like this, and expect a feather-cushion response from everyone.

Face it. The situation is ludicrous. It can be changed.

Suck it up.

 

We are not legally separated. We share a home and finances. However, we have agreed to allow each other to see other people since we know our marriage is unsalvageable and have agreed our primary duty is to the kids. My H knows all about my relationship with the MM. He has met him and talked to him. They get along. I am not doing anything behind my husband's back.

Even less reason to carry on with this marriage, tied to one another, and making a mockery of your vows... WTF...?

 

Secondly, we are not colleagues. He is a doctoral student, I work from home. This allows us flexibility to spend our days together however we choose.

So... if you're spending 6+ hours together, your work must correlate... no? Either tht, or you're neither of you getting very much done.... and if he treats you with disdain and indifference, is he really worth your time and input at all?

 

Thirdly, I DO fix their marriage. Those are words from his wife's mouth, verbatim. He is happier because of our relationship, therefore they are happy. I provide him with everything she does not and she knows this.

How long have they been married?

If you're providing him with everything she doesn't, why not cut your losses and find a man - for yourself and belonging nowhere else - so you can both mutually provide for one another, rather than continue with this mess?

Of course HE'S happy! he's getting it both ways!

 

Think before you speak.

Oh trust me - I thought long and hard about this.

I still can't believe how ludicrous and really utterly pointless this all is. You could so easily change things - but you insist on continuing to live a lie, to everyone including your children.

Divorcing your H would be the most honest and honourable thing you could do. And it would be a clear demonstration to your children that if it's broke, and there's NO fixing it - it's no bad thing to end it.

Better than deceiving them and making them think this is it....

[sweet_pea]

Perhaps you should ask questions first instead of throwing out accusations. You are a jackass. That said, I'm going to answer your questions to clarify for the people who WERE kind and helpful.

 

We are not legally separated. We share a home and finances. However, we have agreed to allow each other to see other people since we know our marriage is unsalvageable and have agreed our primary duty is to the kids. My H knows all about my relationship with the MM. He has met him and talked to him. They get along. I am not doing anything behind my husband's back.

 

Secondly, we are not colleagues. He is a doctoral student, I work from home. This allows us flexibility to spend our days together however we choose.

 

Thirdly, I DO fix their marriage. Those are words from his wife's mouth, verbatim. He is happier because of our relationship, therefore they are happy. I provide him with everything she does not and she knows this.

Think before you speak.

 

So she knows that you and her husband have been intimate? She said that you fix her marriage with that understanding?

[Emme]

So wait a minute... You're working for free... This is a business arrangement. The wife knows... You are basically the second wife without coverage. You hopped from one emotionless marriage to a no future open affair.

 

You owe your married man nothing. You owe your husband and children that's it. Move on. Stop working for free.

 

Question, when you do find the love that you're looking for (the kids are grown) will you then leave your husband?

[Crazy_Love]

So wait a minute... You're working for free... This is a business arrangement. The wife knows... You are basically the second wife without coverage. You hopped from one emotionless marriage to a no future open affair.

 

You owe your married man nothing. You owe your husband and children that's it. Move on. Stop working for free.

 

Question, when you do find the love that you're looking for (the kids are grown) will you then leave your husband?

 

Emme, you are correct. I am essentially his other wife but yes, without the legality or the commitment though he says he wants us together, like this forever. I know.

 

To answer your question, no, I will not leave my husband until they are grown, at least another five years. Even if someone else were to come along. That would be stated up front. As soon as my youngest turns 18, I'm gone.