need more advice I screwed up bad

[Damned]

I have managed to screw everything in my life up by being selfish and controlling , I have hurt the women I love very badly over a long period of time , but i did not realize how much until she had an affair , after years of me neglecting her i can not blame her one bit , it was not sexual but emotional for her , I was never there for her and never listened to her pleas to fix our marriage i ignored it and now I am afraid I have lost her forever .

 

Does anyone know how I can rebuilt her trust and win her back?

 

She says she is waiting for me to prove that I won't do the things i have in the past , but i am screwing that up too ,

 

She also said she cannot believe in the words i say bc I lie and never follow through with anything , so how do I show her ?

 

I want my family back , but don't know if I can be the man she needs

 

whats your advice?

[Tony T]

I have already posted a more comprehensive response to this under your previous post.

 

In a nutshell, this is going to take some time and you'll need to stop screwing up. If you don't communicate well with her and learn exactly what she needs, you will never get anywhere.

 

I certainly hope others will be able to add to what I have already posted. I do wish you luck...but you have learned that we do pay heavy consequences for taking our relationships for granted and not nurturing them.

[Damned]

I have already posted a more comprehensive response to this under your previous post. In a nutshell, this is going to take some time and you'll need to stop screwing up. If you don't communicate well with her and learn exactly what she needs, you will never get anywhere. I certainly hope others will be able to add to what I have already posted. I do wish you luck...but you have learned that we do pay heavy consequences for taking our relationships for granted and not nurturing them.

[Laurynn]

If she doesn't trust the words and promises you say to her, SHOW HER....and keep in mind that trust is something that's earned, it takes time to re-establish.

 

It's a little difficult to give you advice, without knowing more of the specific details of your marriage/problem. How have you been selfish and controlling?

 

How is it that you 'keep screwing up'? How? By doing what, exactly?

 

How long have the two of you been married? Do you have children?

 

Has she ended her affair?

 

Have you two ever been to marriage counselling? Have you ever considered going for counselling *yourself*?

 

What are some of the specific problems she has with you?

 

Laurynn

[WGirl]

Trust is a hard thing to rebuild once it is gone.

 

At least she is giving you another chance to fix what is broken. The only thing I can suggest to you is to stop ignoring her, stop lying, listen to what she is saying and do not neglect her. It is only then that she will believe that you have changed. If you don't start making an effort, it will be too late to win her back.

I have managed to screw everything in my life up by being selfish and controlling , I have hurt the women I love very badly over a long period of time , but i did not realize how much until she had an affair , after years of me neglecting her i can not blame her one bit , it was not sexual but emotional for her , I was never there for her and never listened to her pleas to fix our marriage i ignored it and now I am afraid I have lost her forever . Does anyone know how I can rebuilt her trust and win her back? She says she is waiting for me to prove that I won't do the things i have in the past , but i am screwing that up too , She also said she cannot believe in the words i say bc I lie and never follow through with anything , so how do I show her ? I want my family back , but don't know if I can be the man she needs whats your advice?

[damned]

THEY ARE HER WORDS EXACTLY IF i DON''T HEAR THAT TWICE A DAY i AM LUCKY.

 

I have lived our 7years of marriage as a one sided person ,

 

only thinking and doing what I wanted, also I could do what ever I wanted, yet I stopped her from doing everything she wanted because of my own insecurities. I have neglected to treat her with respect and a valued person.

 

I know she needs to trust me again for it to ever work, but I do things out of spite sometimes , and she says every time I do something like that it puts her back to square one. We seperated and I pursude another women and she found out about it . I also do things like not pay the bills just to get a reaction from her.

Do you have children?

YES WE HAVE THREE

Has she ended her affair?

 

I am not sure , I think they are really good friends, she needs that.

Have you two ever been to marriage counselling?

yes, it didn't do any good. She knows what she wants and its up to me now to prove myself .

Have you ever considered going for counselling *yourself*? yes What are some of the specific problems she has with you?

I HAVE LIED, CHEATED, BEEN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE, INCONSIDERATE, SELFISH,IMMATURE,AND CONTROLLING oh an irresponsible.

 

She says she needs security, trust,commitment and someone she knows is gonna be there for her to share her life with ,

 

not just be in someones life . A MAN .

 

I think I am doing my best , I ask her to go out with me , but she won't , I go to our house everyday to see the kids ,

 

she just seems to have alot of anger , and i want to get a place of my own and she thinks it will mean she has to put the house up for sale , and she says that I am being selfish. as usaul.

 

I don't know what i can do to make up for all the pain I caused her , should I just walk away? She says her love will never be the same for me . I don't want to hurt her anymore , but do still.