CrystalCastles Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 This isn't the first time I see someone posting about how porn is cheating. I don't get it. Someone please explain. How is porn cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
Lixxy Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 A lot of people in our culture are brought up to believe that to lust is to have cheated. Biblically, if you do so much as even think sexually of another person, that sin is as punishable by Hell as if you had actually physically acted on that urge in reality. According to the bible, if you've thought sexually of another person (by watching porn in this instance), that's just as bad as if you'd have had sex with them. There are still strands of this teaching which permeate throughout sex education, even if you haven't had a strictly religious upbringing. Depending on where you live, this pressure can be stricter or lighter. For myself, even though the first half of my childhood was not strictly Christian, my mother in particular influenced me in the way of this mindset. As I got older (and attended a private religious school), it got 10 times stronger of course as I was taught directly that lust = BAD. And also nowhere was I taught healthy views on sexuality or masturbation. Growing up with this mindset and living in the real world is no easy thing. You sometimes end up either correlating what your partner looks at and enjoys with the entire security of your relationship and your self-worth, or outright rejecting what society has become and think "Well, where can I find a man who doesn't watch porn?!" When I was young, (I don't know if this has changed or not, but I'm suspecting not), I wasn't taught acceptance of porn on any level whatsoever. I wasn't taught any healthy attitudes towards sex or masturbation so I ended up seeking out information online, and discovered from there how normal watching porn was. (Lots has changed since my younger years!) But yeah, I think this is mainly it.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 If you both enjoy it, and you're both aware it's used, and it's not a replacement for sex together in a relationship, and it's not obsessive watching, then it's fine. If it's done behind someone's back, to their exclusion, in an obsessive, secretive furtive and hidden way, and the user knows it upsets the other partner, and the other partner is neglected or ignored - THAT'S how it's akin to cheating. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 It's not. /thread 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 It could be. /Carry on.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lixxy Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 It could be. /Carry on.... Seconded. Different people consider different things a threat to their relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 From what I've read, the vast majority of women who have a problem with their partner watching porn are insecure about their bodies. They feel that their partner would rather be with those women than her. It doesn't matter if the guy normally watches cheerleader or granny porn, she feels that he prefers them over her. In reality the issue really has very little to do with porn at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 It definitely cannot be universally considered 'cheating', according to the dictionary definition. That much is certain. However, depending on the boundaries both people set within a relationship, it can be a dealbreaker to some. That is completely valid and does not necessarily reflect badly on the person who decides such. It's really just a matter of compatibility. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
justa_guy Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 (edited) Elswyth is right, cheating is related to established boundaries, some couples don't even consider sleeping with someone else cheating because they've established boundaries that accommodates this, things do get "blurry" if couples or individuals don't state boundaries then I'd imagine they'd impose their own boundaries on the other person. So in the case of thinking ur bf watching porn is cheating then likewise you thinking sexy thoughts of Ryan Gosling is cheating. Edited January 29, 2014 by justa_guy 4 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 Different people consider different things a threat to their relationship. If someone sees an image on a screen and feels threatened by that then it's that person who has the problem. If some guy gets bothered by me talking about the penis of Bradley Cooper then same thing. People need to chill. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 If one's spouse/partner knows about the porn use, it can't be cheating. It can be a relationship issue, if they take exception to the use, but it's not cheating. Another example would be the stack of romance novels my exW had on her nightstand. They certainly 'revved up' her imagination in the lust area but were right out there in the open, as was any male porn on my laptop, or my past collection of Playboy's from my single decades. Any issues resulting from our use of such diversions was a relationship issue. It's deception which defines 'cheating' if the behavior is otherwise unacceptable to one's spouse/partner. Cheating generally alludes to infidelity with another human, but the word can apply to any deception. Where is the word first widely used? With kids who cheat on tests in school. That's where I heard it first. Some kids probably hear it earlier, depending on their family. It was unacceptable to disregard the rules of the test and the attempt to circumvent those rules by deception defined 'cheating'. It's the same in relationships. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JessieJ08 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Well as addicted as some people get with porn I understand why some woman go off about it. I mean people like to call females insecure to make it ok its awful that even other women feel the need to call other females insecure because of this. I for one do not think it is ok for a man to be an active porn watcher not because Im insecure but I feel it is not needed when in a relationship. It comes down to respect which a relationship needs to survive. Maybe to some women being part or letting their man watch porn is ok whatever but me I have 2 sons I wouldn't want my sons to discover what sex is this way just saying its not real life its fantasy. Whats worse is I have heard of some men expecting their wives or s/o to do what they saw in a porn really your willing to make your partner uncomfortable with something you watched on a screen. And no one can tell me guys dont do this they do and thats also what makes it disrespectful to your partner. So before you say oh its just insecure women who feel this way I think that needs to be stated way different women who respect their man and want respect in return are not ok with who they are in a relationship with watching porn. If you cant say no to porn over being in a real relationship guess what you do have a problem Its called porn addiction. Is it cheating depends what your partner feels cheating is. Link to post Share on other sites
Lixxy Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 people like to call females insecure to make it ok People don't 'like' to call females insecure 'to make it ok'. People call females insecure because for the most part - many, many by their own admission! - they are insecure! The only real exception I see to this, are the cases in which the dude actually has a legit addiction to porn: maybe runs up huge bills with money spent on porn; neglects his wife; avoids work and responsibilities to fap to porn; shelters himself away to view it, etc. I for one do not think it is ok for a man to be an active porn watcher not because Im insecure but I feel it is not needed when in a relationship. You feel that porn isn't needed when in a relationship, for you, but what about others? Maybe you don't feel the urge to view porn to masturbate, but not everyone is the same. Many people enjoy watching it. It comes down to respect which a relationship needs to survive. What's respectful about expecting or demanding a partner give up something they enjoy? Maybe to some women being part or letting their man watch porn is ok whatever but me I have 2 sons I wouldn't want my sons to discover what sex is this way just saying its not real life its fantasy. This is why speaking to young people about porn and giving them high quality, thorough sex education is so important. Whats worse is I have heard of some men expecting their wives or s/o to do what they saw in a porn really your willing to make your partner uncomfortable with something you watched on a screen. That's a separate issue though. That's pressuring someone to do something they don't want to do. And no one can tell me guys dont do this they do and thats also what makes it disrespectful to your partner. So before you say oh its just insecure women who feel this way I think that needs to be stated way different women who respect their man and want respect in return are not ok with who they are in a relationship with watching porn. If you cant say no to porn over being in a real relationship guess what you do have a problem Its called porn addiction. It's not a porn addiction if he isn't actually addicted to it though. If he just enjoys it and wants to keep getting off to it on a healthy degree, but his partner expects him to stop for her, that's called an entitlement issue on her part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 This isn't the first time I see someone posting about how porn is cheating. I don't get it. Someone please explain. How is porn cheating? **** dude. All you need to do is ask gf. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 People don't 'like' to call females insecure 'to make it ok'. People call females insecure because for the most part - many, many by their own admission! - they are insecure! Yup. In every single thread where a woman posts about a problem she has with her man watching porn, she mentions being insecure about her body. Every single thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrystalCastles Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Yup. In every single thread where a woman posts about a problem she has with her man watching porn, she mentions being insecure about her body. Every single thread. In that case, it's sad. It's sad that someone can't figure out their own issues and thinks that placing restrictions on their partner is somehow going to fix the problem. That is completely unfair. It seems bizarre to me that watching naked women is the same as phukking them. I can see how that is true from a religion standpoint, my church and mother taught me the same thing- sexual pleasure/lust is very bad. How common is porn addiction anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 In that case, it's sad. It's sad that someone can't figure out their own issues and thinks that placing restrictions on their partner is somehow going to fix the problem. That is completely unfair. This is where matters become complicated. The OP merely asked a question - "how is porn cheating?" My own answer clarified how porn was AKIN to cheating - because strictly speaking, watching porn - Isn't cheating. However, there may be all manner of underlying issues fuelling the uneasiness and low self-esteem in the partner who takes offence: it may well BE that they have a poor sense of self-image, both physically and psychologically, but it may also be that their partner subscribes to porn to the exclusion of, or in sacrifice of a good really physical relationship. While 'every single thread' on a woman complaining about her partner's porn addiction may well have mentioned her own "failings' with regard to how she feels about herself, there have also been many, many instances where her 'complaint' has revolved around his preference to watching and looking at porn, and pleasuring himself exclusively, without so much as a glance in her direction.... It seems bizarre to me that watching naked women is the same as phukking them. I can see how that is true from a religion standpoint, my church and mother taught me the same thing- sexual pleasure/lust is very bad. And have you managed to process that thoroughly inaccurate and downright wrong programming, positively? How common is porn addiction anyway? That's a question which is actually extremely difficult to answer...unless there's a clinical diagnosis and response, I think it's an objective opinion.... It depends on how the person who's being excluded, views it.... For example, if a woman never, ever has sex with her partner because he shuts himself away in his 'man den' for hours on end and masturbates 5 - 10 times a day, she can possibly be right if she feels her partner is a porn addict. If a woman has regular sex with her man, but he can only get aroused beforehand by watching hard porn, or gets her to duplicate what he sees on screen, because it's the only way he can stay hard - she may be entitled to say the same. It's relative, and without a psychological evaluation, it's impossible to know how common it is. Judging purely by the content of this forum though, in one form or another, it seems pretty common.... Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 How common is porn addiction anyway? As common as you know it is. Quit trying to make excuses for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 How common is porn addiction anyway? Apparently one of the most common addictions, along with alcoholism. Like alcohol, though, many people are also capable of partaking in moderate amounts without letting it run their life. I think the 'insecurity' argument is a double-edged sword, mostly. Our partner's actions can and do contribute to how secure we feel within a relationship. Obviously, we are responsible for maintaining our own self-esteem - but sometimes the key to that is to avoid placing yourself in situations or relationships that trigger your insecurity. So, I don't blame the women who are against porn, for choosing a compatible partner who doesn't trigger that in them. It's really just like sexual compatibility - no shame in filtering out people who aren't compatible. I'm personally fine with moderate and reasonable porn use, both of myself and my partner. Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 (edited) Apparently one of the most common addictions, along with alcoholism. And that's good thing? How can you justify it? Like alcohol, though, many people are also capable of partaking in moderate amounts without letting it run their life. Really? Show me an example. I'm personally fine with moderate and reasonable porn use, both of myself and my partner. Define "moderate and reasonable porn use, both of yourself and your partner". Does that mean you each get cheat on each other equally? Edited January 30, 2014 by skydiveaddict Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 And that's good thing? How can you justify it? Really? Show me an example. Define "moderate and reasonable porn use, both of myself and my partner". Does that mean you each get cheat on each other equally? I'm not sure if you're typing while drunk or the very mention of porn prohibits you from typing coherent sentences? Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I'm not sure if you're typing while drunk or the very mention of porn prohibits you from typing coherent sentences? Yea. That's the type of response I expected. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Apparently one of the most common addictions, along with alcoholism. And that's good thing? How can you justify it? She never said or implied that it necessarily was. What's to justify? Like alcohol, though, many people are also capable of partaking in moderate amounts without letting it run their life. Really? Show me an example. Hello....? There are plenty of examples on forum. Many people here use porn without it being a problem... I'm personally fine with moderate and reasonable porn use, both of myself and my partner. Define "moderate and reasonable porn use, both of yourself and your partner". Everybody's different, there is no standard definition, just as there is no standard definition to how much sex is 'normal'. Does that mean you each get cheat on each other equally? Are you being deliberately obtuse, or are you out to pick a fight? What's your point, here? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Look, I will do you a favour and try to wade through your questions this one time and decipher whatever I can out of it, and in return you try and actually read and think before you respond the next time. Okay? And that's good thing? How can you justify it? I really don't know what you meant by this, so I'll have to skip it. No addiction is justifiable, nor have I said that they are. Really? Show me an example. Sure. I watch porn once or twice a month and have done so for the past several years. If that's an addiction by your definition, then it's pretty pointless to try and convince you otherwise. Define "moderate and reasonable porn use, both of yourself and your partner". Once a week or so. Going by that definition, we're both below par... Does that mean you each get cheat on each other equally? Noooot really sure what you mean by this, given that both of us know and approve of it. Maybe we also rape each other when we have consensual sex? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Oh c'mon Elswyth, wouldn't you rather have your man respect you for who you are rather than some porn film? I know you are worth way more than that. Link to post Share on other sites
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