Real Love

[Kalee35]

Found this article and wanted to share it:

 

Let’s look and see if an affair actually fits into the description of what love is:

 

• Love endures long… NOPE – most affairs are short lived, when the heat gets too much or the feelings wear off, it’s over.

• Love is patient… NOPE – an affair is all about impatience.

• Love is kind… NOPE – what is kind about stringing someone on, not being devoted to them, and two-timing them?

• Love is never envious or jealous… NOPE – an affair is filled with lots of envy and jealousy.

• Love is not proud… NOPE – an affair is nothing but a pit of pride that both people are swimming in.

• Love does not rejoice over evil but rejoices over truth… NOPE – adultery is sin, sin is evil. It’s built on layers and layers of lies and deceit, not truth.

• Love does not seek its own way… NOPE – an affair is extremely selfish.

 

An extramarital affair is not about love. It is about pure selfishness… period. Nothing about an affair is love. Real love sacrifices and puts the other person’s interest first. Putting another person’s marriage, family, life, and their very well being in jeopardy just for your own satisfaction and selfish needs is not love.

 

Don’t deceive yourself: an affair is never about love. Self-serving lust? YES! Love? NOPE.

 

Here is the link:

 

Is an Affair Really Love?

Edited January 29, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[ZMM]

That's a very short, shallow article. It sounds more like a sermon.

 

I guess you could swap other types of relationships for affairs and it would fit as closely as it stands.

[mukkrakker]

• Love endures long… NOPE

 

YES, I married mine, fifteen years this April.

 

• Love is patient… NOPE

 

We were separated by an ocean and about nine months, but endured.

 

• Love is kind…

 

See above.

 

• Love is never envious or jealous

 

See above

 

• Love is not proud…

 

The whole reason I'm replying.

 

• Love does not rejoice over evil but rejoices over truth

 

As Neil says:

Love and only love will endure

Hate is everything you think it is

Love and only love will break it down

Love and only love.

 

an affair is never about love.

 

See all of the above.

 

The biggest problem with LoveShack is the enduring generalizations that are patently untrue.

 

I'm sure people are heart broken, scarred for life and all the other messiness of having a relationship with another human being, as well as the shear joy of spending some, or all, of your life with another person - that's the whole beauty of life.

 

Your mileage may vary, but I don't drive the same car as you, nor do I want to.

[goodyblue]

I have been with my guy for a while now. We're pretty happy. I'm sorry if you are offended at the fact that we are happy. I'm not offended if you find happiness. Why are you so angry?

[Anne Boleyn]

Found this article and wanted to share it:

 

By article, do you mean... The Bible? 1 Corinthians 13:4-8...?

 

Let’s look and see if an affair actually fits into the description of what love is:

 

• Love endures long… NOPE – most affairs are short lived, when the heat gets too much or the feelings wear off, it’s over.

• Love is patient… NOPE – an affair is all about impatience.

• Love is kind… NOPE – what is kind about stringing someone on, not being devoted to them, and two-timing them?

• Love is never envious or jealous… NOPE – an affair is filled with lots of envy and jealousy.

• Love is not proud… NOPE – an affair is nothing but a pit of pride that both people are swimming in.

• Love does not rejoice over evil but rejoices over truth… NOPE – adultery is sin, sin is evil. It’s built on layers and layers of lies and deceit, not truth.

• Love does not seek its own way… NOPE – an affair is extremely selfish.

Well, it's all a matter of individuality and perspective, isn't it? Everybody's story is different which means every response will be different... Such as for me:

 

• Love endures long… Yes - Depending on how one defines "long" but from start-to-finish, our friendship was a year, our EA was another yearish, then the PA, and then the divorces. All told, we've been together 5-6 years. I'd say over half-a-decade qualifies as not short

• Love is patient… Yes - I'd say we qualify as patient. There was a lot of give and take, forgiveness, and patience for things to resolve, for better or for worse. Waiting for divorces to go through, waiting for one or the other in a context or another. Understanding that emotions and reactions were those of stress and pressure, forgiving it, and moving on.

• Love is kind… Yes - Even at our worst, there was always kindness. Unless you're saying no, love isn't kind because of his ex wife or my husband... Well, we weren't in love with either of them.

• Love is never envious or jealous… Yes and No - At first, there were no issues of jealousy because we knew we couldn't be together and we were a diversion from our marriages. But as time progressed, especially after we were given the OK to date but then i was retracted, there was jealousy. He was jealous that I was free, I was jealous of his wife. Those issues have since been worked out, however.

• Love is not proud… Yes and No - When we were in our affair portion, we weren't proud. Were were anything but, actually. And our love wasn't a proud love either. It was quiet, secretive. Now that we are together, we're openly loving and affectionate, very proud to be together, now I'd say it's a "no."

• Love does not rejoice over evil but rejoices over truth… Yes - Seeing as this is a contextual passage that refers to gossip and love, I'd have to say that I'm proud one of our accomplishments that, despite rumors, we're able to let it go and let the truth take over.

• Love does not seek its own way… No - By default, the love of an affair seeks it's own way to survive. But then again, so does a lot of love. And considering the whole verse includes things about how love isn't easily angered and doesn't keep a record of wrongs... I'd say that we are OK there too, though there were periods where there was a lot of anger, though not at each other generally.

 

Of course, all of this can be easily refuted when one says that they're not Christian and/or don't believe in Paul's definition of expressed love, as many Christians don't, and/or that the Bible also speaks of adultery and how it's a sin but that it's up to you to forgive and God to judge, or that different versions of the Bible have slightly different takes on this passage and it could mean different things depending on what version you read...

 

An extramarital affair is not about love. It is about pure selfishness… period. Nothing about an affair is love. Real love sacrifices and puts the other person’s interest first. Putting another person’s marriage, family, life, and their very well being in jeopardy just for your own satisfaction and selfish needs is not love.

 

Don’t deceive yourself: an affair is never about love. Self-serving lust? YES! Love? NOPE.

Again, it all depends. I'm sure some people, affairs are just about the sex, but there are plenty of people who're in it for love. And, again, there are a lot of sacrifices made by people in affairs, so if we define love only by sacrifice, that may mean by your own definition, affairs can result in love.

[cocorico]

Found this article and wanted to share it:

 

Let’s look and see if an affair actually fits into the description of what love is:

 

• Love endures long… NOPE – most affairs are short lived, when the heat gets too much or the feelings wear off, it’s over.

• Love is patient… NOPE – an affair is all about impatience.

• Love is kind… NOPE – what is kind about stringing someone on, not being devoted to them, and two-timing them?

• Love is never envious or jealous… NOPE – an affair is filled with lots of envy and jealousy.

• Love is not proud… NOPE – an affair is nothing but a pit of pride that both people are swimming in.

• Love does not rejoice over evil but rejoices over truth… NOPE – adultery is sin, sin is evil. It’s built on layers and layers of lies and deceit, not truth.

• Love does not seek its own way… NOPE – an affair is extremely selfish.

 

An extramarital affair is not about love. It is about pure selfishness… period. Nothing about an affair is love. Real love sacrifices and puts the other person’s interest first. Putting another person’s marriage, family, life, and their very well being in jeopardy just for your own satisfaction and selfish needs is not love.

 

Don’t deceive yourself: an affair is never about love. Self-serving lust? YES! Love? NOPE.

 

Mine was the exact opposite, so I guess by that checklist, it *must* be love (love, love..)

[Kalee35]

Why are you so angry?

Not angry at all. Just sharing an article I found online.

[Anne Boleyn]

I took it to mean the points of what love is was the article, that the editorial comments after were your own. Considering the points are variations of what is in the Bible, I think I'm not wrong in assuming that's what you found and the responses were yours.

[Anne Boleyn]

No worries Kaylee!

 

In truth, maybe a better worded article could be of use for Christian OW's to examine/think about, or maybe Christian BW/BH's to discuss, but that one... Meh. The framework for a discussion was there, but the editorializing was atrocious.

[Kalee35]

Author or not, sadly she believes it. I am kind of laughing really, someone wrote an article and used the word 'nope'.

 

We are all entitled to our own beliefs. I have not once said one negative thing towards you and you are putting me down saying that my beliefs are sad. Just because I feel differently than you does not mean I am going to say that what you believe is sad. That would be entirely disrespectful of me.

[ZMM]

How come your original post left off the first paragraph?

 

I was thinking you left out the first paragraph so as not to reveal the religious orientation of the 'article'. Maybe I am wrong.

[Kalee35]

I was thinking you left out the first paragraph so as not to reveal the religious orientation of the 'article'. Maybe I am wrong.

 

Not at all. I wouldn't have even bothered sharing the link if that were the case.

[goodyblue]

Kalee,

 

Come on. You can't post something like that in OM/OW forum and expect us to just take it. I respect your beliefs. But you just shoved it down our throats and told us our love was not love!

 

How can you expect us not to defend our love? I love my guy as much as you love your wayward... I'm assuming you have a wayward? I understand why you are hurt, upset, etc. And I'm sorry for your pain.

[William]

Since a member who did not participate in this thread but is very helpful to moderation in reporting threads which are misplaced and/or contain violations of our guidelines reported this thread for review, we're moving this thread to GRD as the thread starter is not involved with a committed partner <of someone else>, reminding members to address the topic, which is the linked article, and to follow our guidelines when responding. If observing suspected non-compliant postings, merely use the 'alert us' button and move on. It helps retain your posting privileges. Thanks!

Edited January 29, 2014 by William
Clarified committed partner relevant to original thread placement

[Kalee35]

I just saw your post after I posted so I want to answer your question before I go. I ended a 5 month affair almost a month ago because I realized I didn't love him at all. I'm not sad at all or hurting. Once again I was simply sharing an article I found online that I thought was interesting.

 

I am now working things out with my own husband.

Edited January 29, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[rumbleseat]

The Op's biblical quote is well known and often used, even in a secular setting.

 

There is great truth to it, at least from my point of view.

 

OP, you shared your opinions based upon your own personal experiences. There may be someone else in the same situation as you were in who is questioning their relationship. Whether they agree with you or not, your thread will give them reason to think.

Edited January 29, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Editorial comments redacted

[janedoe67]

I think the passage is a great one for defining love. During My A I didn't exhibit many of these.

 

And during my marriage my husband didn't exhibit some of them either.

 

In fact, we both violated some pretty direct Bible verses. e one of the "big 10" (thou shalt not commit adultery) and him I Cor 7 (do not deprive each other).

 

Of course, thank goodness, both of us actually tried to follow Ephesians 4:32

[SugarHibiscus]

What is love? A question wrestled with for centuries by the sharpest of minds. It's up there with the meaning of life and what happens after death.

 

I take issue with your categorical view of love and morality. (Please see my response to her other thread. I went Machiavellian on her idea, literally.) I do not take issue with you personally.

 

The world is not black and white. Wouldn't life be simple if it was?

 

I could probably write a dissertation about love. In the interest of being succinct, I will broad stroke my theological and philosophical ideas on the subject.

 

Taking the Bible as literal truth is dangerous. The Bible is an allegory.

 

The article you quote uses an example from Corinthians. If we look at the Bible as a whole, the definition of love doesn't hold up. God wants us to love him above all others. (Kind of jealous, right?)

 

Remember the story of Abraham sacrificing Issac? Using the Corinthian definition, God doesn't love Abraham. How can God "be kind" by asking him to sacrifice his son. Conversely, Abraham doesn't love Issac as he is ready to kill him for God.

 

There are many different kinds of love. The ancient Greeks split them into four categories: eros, storge, phila and agape. I'm too lazy to define them for you. Please google it. The Corinthian definition clearly fits into the agape category.

 

I love a lot of people in my life but I love them in different ways. Certainly, I love my husband in a different way than I love my children. I love my mother in a different way, etc.

[truthbetold]

Kaylee,

 

I understand totally where you are coming from. There is absolute truth in what you posted but many more will go against it. If you experience that kind of fullness and joy of true love, then of course you get it. I get it. Many others do too, but may not frequent LS.

 

God IS love. To know God is to know love. God tells us to love him first with everything because in that perfect love you will love as he loves. The simple human mind will try to equate or even negate that it's a "jealous" love because they are looking at love through that myopic single "human" definition of love. Not the definition of love that God created.

 

Of course you need to be Christian to understand these principles. Otherwise it falls on deaf ears. The blind do not see. I love God first above all else, in turn my love for my husband and others is multiplied and that much richer and deeper and more fulfilling. So no, hardly jealous.

 

Interesting how some can take offense at what you posted. But you are not supposed to take offense at the anti-Christian stance. It saddens me to see people take scripture out of context and use it to support their agenda. But then again Satan can quote scripture quite well. We are not to be deceived by lies, but many try to build a foundation on lies, so there you go.

 

I applaud you for taking a controversial stance. You do not stand alone,far from it. Blessed are those that are persecuted in the name of Jesus for they will be blessed!

[SugarHibiscus]

FYI- I'm a practicing Catholic. (Was educated by the Jesuits...even went to a Catholic university.)

[carhill]

While the topic under discussion appears to have a more serious tone, I can share that the blog author has published some quiet humorous and effective discussions of love, faith, relationships and the similarities and differences between men and women on these topics. He's where I picked up the 'boxes' and 'ball of wire' analogies I use to describe men's and women's brains. Funny guy and makes a lot of sense about love and I say that as a fOM and fMM.

[woinlove]

Sorry you are hurting from the aftermath of your affair. Of course lots of affairs where one thinks one has love, turn out to be anything but loving behavior and I assume this article may have reminded you of some of the ways your own affair experience fell short of love. I think it is good to recognize this and may be part of your own path to healing. Of course, not everything will apply to everyone and not all people have the same capacity for or expectations from love. I hope you find the love you want, both in the giving and in the receiving. I think there are some good points made in the article.

Edited January 29, 2014 by woinlove

[Woggle]

Most people these days don't seem to want real love.

[Kalee35]

I'm not hurting at all. In fact quite the opposite. I ended the affair because I realized our relationship was an illusion and I did not really love him.

[woinlove]

I'm not hurting at all. In fact quite the opposite. I ended the affair because I realized our relationship was an illusion and I did not really love him.

 

Glad to hear you're not hurting.