Mother/Boyfriend and Religious Differences

[curiousnycgirl]

Okay - somewhat long story - but I'll try to keep it short. My mother and I, at best, have a spotty relationship. It is all about HER and what I can do for her. However over the past few years I have for the most part gotten to a point where I can live with.

 

A little more background, before I go into the heart of the current issue. I was raised in a very traditional jewish home and even attended jewish parochial school for 13 years. As a teen ager I actually chose to become more observant than my parents - in other words orthodox. During my first year of college and became engaged to the man I truly believed was my soul mate - we had grown up in the same community, same school, same synagogue and shared the same religious views. Unfortunately he passed away during the engagement - to say the least I was devastated. Immediately after his death my relationship with my mother deteriorated to the point that we did not have any contact for 3 years, I also ended my relationship with G-d for a while.

 

In the ensuing 20 years I reconciled my relationship with both - and have found a fairly comfortable place. Unfortunately though I have never married, and have never found a relationship close to the one I had with David.

 

Enter my first ever non jewish b/f. At age 39 I have started dating a man who makes me VERY happy. We have been together 7 months. Of course it has not been all fun and games, and we have had our issues - but on the whole I really think I love this man, and feel comfortable that the feelings are reciprocated (something I cannot say about my mother).

 

As the relationship deepened I certainly spent a lot of time thinking about the religion issue. While I have known many people who have converted for their spouses, I finally realized that I did not feel I could truly love and respect someone and ask them to give up Jesus. It would be the equivelant to asking me to accept Jesus, which I cannot do.

 

So here is the issue (I know - finally!) - 7 months into this relationship, after having invited this man into her home several times, my mother went apoplectic (I mean screaming her head off - out of nowhere!) about the religion thing. While I truly believe a shared and consistent religion is important for children - at my age, I don't think there will be kids. I would never have even contemplated dating outside of my faith until very recently - but now here it is.

 

The reality is that I have finally found someone who truy makes me happy - and yet my mother expects me to either walk away or demand he convert. The truth is we still have issues, so I don't even know if this will ever get to marriage stage.

 

To be fair my mother raised some very valid points - however wouldn't my happiness, and my comfort with the difference in religions be more important than hers in MY relationship?

 

Anyone experience this? How did you handle it? Any words of encouragement or advice would be very much appreciated.

[kypepeo]

My relationship with my mum is like what you have desribed but I know now that my life is my own and decisions that I make affect me and nobody else. I also know that the answer is usually very clearly marked out for you (especially if you believe in God) but the issues around it is what clouds the whole situation.Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Two years down the line, most of the things causing problems will be irrelevant.You two can come together even though you have different religions.You have to discuss issues like kids first and if possible, get pre-marital counselling but generally, if you love him, be with him. Don't let him go because of someone else. Forget about all the other issues and look at the core matter and go for what you really want

[Zoot]

I think you should seek where your own religious convictions are and find someone who respects those convictions. If your Mom doesn't approve - so be it. It's between you and your own God.

 

Finding a mate and finding a mutual understanding has nothing to do with what your family believes. Part of growing up is to be willing to stand up for what YOU believe.