MM feeling too guilty?

[littlemermaid]

So, this is my first post here. I have read many of the posts here in the last few weeks that I have been lurking, and I'm not coming here for any judgement about what I have done/am doing.

 

My question is this: any OW out there, can you tell me if your MM (and this would especially apply to a MM beginning his first ever A), struggled very hard with his guilt...to the point he is basically ending things before they go very far...and still came back to you and continued? Or do you think with someone struggling this hard, he's just gone?

[hopewild]

So, this is my first post here. I have read many of the posts here in the last few weeks that I have been lurking, and I'm not coming here for any judgement about what I have done/am doing.

 

My question is this: any OW out there, can you tell me if your MM (and this would especially apply to a MM beginning his first ever A), struggled very hard with his guilt...to the point he is basically ending things before they go very far...and still came back to you and continued? Or do you think with someone struggling this hard, he's just gone?

 

Mine struggled with the guilt seriously in the beginning and we continued things past that.

 

It sounds like you are afraid to lose him. My advice would be to let him go. There's someone out there for you that isn't deceitful by nature.

[Anne Boleyn]

So, this is my first post here. I have read many of the posts here in the last few weeks that I have been lurking, and I'm not coming here for any judgement about what I have done/am doing.

 

My question is this: any OW out there, can you tell me if your MM (and this would especially apply to a MM beginning his first ever A), struggled very hard with his guilt...to the point he is basically ending things before they go very far...and still came back to you and continued? Or do you think with someone struggling this hard, he's just gone?

 

Mine did. We both did. Obviously, we came back to each other.

 

But sometimes, when people struggle that hard, it is the end of it all and there's no reconciling.

[Daisy2013]

Yes. We were together over 2 years and like clockwork every 3 months or so he'd dump me out of religious conviction with the "staying friends" speech. We were friends years before the A so it seemed plausible. Then before long, we'd be in a R again.

[soundsfamilar]

yes. we broke up both times for that reason. my MM is not very religious, so that was not a factor. the guilt came from doing something he never saw himself doing. it literally sent him into panic at times. after the first break-up, it took him a week to contact me and the A started up again, at least emotionally (we live far apart to begin with). after the second break-up, he also wants to stay in touch.

 

honestly, i think some MM really are blindsided by the conflict an A brings. not all are complete a-holes, only out for their own gratification. some fall in love and don't know what to do. as much as they are often vilified here, they are still human beings, with varying degrees of decency. it was hard for me to watch mine struggle with the pain of knowing he is deceiving someone he is committed to and seeing himself through new eyes.

[Anne Boleyn]

As an afterthought, carrying upon topics brushed upon by the lovely ladies above me, mine was also religious and that was often times the reason behind a break/NC period.

[littlemermaid]

Thanks for the replies. He is not religious at all, but he is very afraid of losing his family (his daughter in particular, who is very young), and says that even if we were not caught, that it would hurt him too much inside to do that and that he loves her...but he is saying all this, as he is laying on top of me telling me in graphic detail all the things he wants to do to me? He says he cannot be a "cheater"....but what we have already done, she would not forgive anyway, but he tries to not see that? We haven't had sex yet. But other things have happened, physical things. We were friends for a long time. Now he says he can't be around me because of the effect I have on him. I saw him today in public unexpectedly and he was so awkward and it was very hurtful. He's avoiding me, which he said he wouldn't do.

[solostand]

He's got a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. The angel is winning out for him. Best to let it go. . .you're not too far in yet. Imagine if there was suspicion - how would he react then? Bye Bye to you forget you ever knew me!

 

My MM would not admit guilt for the longest time. Then he finally did. I was surprised because he always acted so cool, calm and collected and unguilty.

 

He broke up with me one day last spring because of guilt. "it's just not me," he said. "To think of all the people who would be hurt."

 

However, the very next day we were right back on again.

[imfine]

Not so sure it's just guilt he's experiencing. Sounds like he's slowly priming you for a full on sexual relationship. You'll think he's this great guy that really doesn't want to have sex because of his love for his family but alas he just can't resist the effect you have on him. Then when he's getting what he wants, when he wants it & how he wants it, he'll start to feel guilty all over again, pull away again, and leave you hurting until his libido gets restless again. Rinse. Repeat. He'll remind you to not dare call him out on it, he's told you he feels guilty from the start & he doesn't want a relationship out in the open. You'll have to stop this madness. Chances are he won't.

[littlemermaid]

Not so sure it's just guilt he's experiencing. Sounds like he's slowly priming you for a full on sexual relationship. You'll think he's this great guy that really doesn't want to have sex because of his love for his family but alas he just can't resist the effect you have on him. Then when he's getting what he wants, when he wants it & how he wants it, he'll start to feel guilty all over again, pull away again, and leave you hurting until his libido gets restless again. Rinse. Repeat. He'll remind you to not dare call him out on it, he's told you he feels guilty from the start & he doesn't want a relationship out in the open. You'll have to stop this madness. Chances are he won't.

 

I wanted to have sex with him the last time we were together (second encounter alone together). He wouldn't do it. He would be all over me and then walk away. Then something started to happen and his wife called, and he freaked out and kicked me out. The first time we were together, we would have had sex, he wanted to but it was not the right timing for me, female-wise. Now he says that the guilt he felt just from what we did that day, was so bad that he can't do anything else and can't even see me, like can't even look at me.

[littlemermaid]

yes. we broke up both times for that reason. my MM is not very religious, so that was not a factor. the guilt came from doing something he never saw himself doing. it literally sent him into panic at times. after the first break-up, it took him a week to contact me and the A started up again, at least emotionally (we live far apart to begin with). after the second break-up, he also wants to stay in touch.

 

honestly, i think some MM really are blindsided by the conflict an A brings. not all are complete a-holes, only out for their own gratification. some fall in love and don't know what to do. as much as they are often vilified here, they are still human beings, with varying degrees of decency. it was hard for me to watch mine struggle with the pain of knowing he is deceiving someone he is committed to and seeing himself through new eyes.

 

soundsfamiliar, this is exactly what my MM seems to be going through. He told me I was making him cry, that I was making him a person he never thought he would or could be.

[ComingInHot]

I've been thinking on this topic and my thinking is... isn't it a good thing the MM/MW feels guilt? Even if just a little? Doesn't that show he has a conscience? Maybe about hurting His Wife, His kids and His Family?

And what is the goal here for the OW/OM? Are you hoping to push him through or help him lose the guilt and good conscience to get deeper into the A by ultimately him or her ending with no conscience at all til the A blows up?

I guess I still don't understand*

[Daisy2013]

soundsfamiliar, this is exactly what my MM seems to be going through. He told me I was making him cry, that I was making him a person he never thought he would or could be.

 

He's blaming you for his feelings? That's a crock. You didn't make him into that person.

[littlemermaid]

I've been thinking on this topic and my thinking is... isn't it a good thing the MM/MW feels guilt? Even if just a little? Doesn't that show he has a conscience? Maybe about hurting His Wife, His kids and His Family?

And what is the goal here for the OW/OM? Are you hoping to push him through or help him lose the guilt and good conscience to get deeper into the A by ultimately him or her ending with no conscience at all til the A blows up?

I guess I still don't understand*

 

of course it is. In my case, I am just feeling hurt and lost right now, and was looking for experience from other OW who have been through it, and how it usually ends up. I am staying away from him right now, after our last encounter. at first he told me he still wanted to see me, as friends...then I told him why would he want that, when he says that just seeing me affects him and makes him want me to where he can't control it and then he gets upset with himself and pushes me away and we go through this...Why? So then he said, "You're right, it's best then if we don't see each other alone anymore." And that's where it stands. I have no other way to contact him, I cannot call/text/email/facebook because she has access to everything, she is a very suspicious person and she once caught him having an inappropriate chat with an ex and he gave her access to everything because of that.

 

I guess I just don't know why this happened. He started this. He created this, not me. Why did he start this and then push me away, all the while as he's pushing me still telling me how much he wants me? He's like literally kicking me out the door and then saying wait...come sit with me...I want to hold you...

[Daisy2013]

I've been thinking on this topic and my thinking is... isn't it a good thing the MM/MW feels guilt? Even if just a little? Doesn't that show he has a conscience? Maybe about hurting His Wife, His kids and His Family?

And what is the goal here for the OW/OM? Are you hoping to push him through or help him lose the guilt and good conscience to get deeper into the A by ultimately him or her ending with no conscience at all til the A blows up?

I guess I still don't understand*

 

In my case, they have no kids together, each had their own from prior marriages and now they are grown.

 

I can only go by what he told me, that he would feel guilty in those times alone that God would get to him because we are believers. He would say nothing was good at home, that he was a paycheck, and couldn't remember the last time they had sex, and wished we could be together. So I don't know if he felt guilt towards W or not. He always came back. He still tells me he loves me and wants me. But he still chooses to honor his commitment that he said he had to do so I have no doubt he loves his W. I also know his 2nd divorce shook him hard financially and was ugly, and he refuses to go through one again.

 

When he would feel guilty and back off, I would respect it and didn't ask to see him. But he always came back to me, the longest a month. He never quit calling me in those times. We didn't have actual sex because I respect the line that was drawn.

[woinlove]

I guess I just don't know why this happened. He started this. He created this, not me. Why did he start this and then push me away, all the while as he's pushing me still telling me how much he wants me? He's like literally kicking me out the door and then saying wait...come sit with me...I want to hold you...

 

Getting involved with a MM is not the same as getting involved with an available man. He's trying to balance his marriage, handle the deception, not get caught. Sounds like he wants to keep his marriage and he'd kind of like to have an affair, but he doesn't particularly like the risk and deception/disloyalty that goes along with it. He may also be testing you with the push/pull to see how willing you are to get involved in this type of situation because if you two go ahead with the affair, he will likely need you to respect his limitations, keep your A a secret, accommodate the schedule that will sometimes be set by his wife, etc. If you stick around waiting, through all this push and pull, you might eke out an affair with him.

 

It's up to you what you want. Nothing should happen unless you want it to so don't think you don't have control or choice in this. You could try and manoeuvre him into continuing an affair with you (not recommended!), you could wait and see if he comes around to wanting to pursue the affair, or you could decide you're not interested. How are you feeling about all this?

[Learningtoletgo]

Yes, my mm felt guilt. We only had sex once, and when we tried to for our second time 6 months later, he backed out and told me he felt a lot of guilt. It was so hard because I could see the conflicted emotions on his face. It really was like an angel and devil were sitting on his shoulders. When he told me he felt guilty, I then felt horrible for making him feel guilty! I didn't want to make him feel bad, I wanted to make him feel good. I told him that, and we never had sex again. He did mention it again like 6 months later, and he seemed so ready to, but then I backed out. My reason was because I didn't want him to feel guilty again.

 

Unlike you (I think) I have a SO, so I wrestled with my own guilt throughout the affair. The sad thing is I felt more guilty about my mm feeling guilty (and for what I was doing to his wife) than I did for my SO. Although, after I was out of the affair fog, I started (and still do) feel extreme guilt for my deception.

 

Anyway, I will say they almost always come back, even after feeling guilty. I just got my first email from him after 5 months NC! The thing is, it's all a never ending cycle. If I respond, we will hook up, we will be "high" from the crazy passion for a bit, we will withdraw from each other, we will feel horrible guilt, we will swear to ourselves that we will never do it again, we will go nc for a few month, we will get horny, we will do it again. Ugghhhhh....so tiring. Writing this is making me stronger NOT to respond to that new email.

[littlemermaid]

Yes, my mm felt guilt. We only had sex once, and when we tried to for our second time 6 months later, he backed out and told me he felt a lot of guilt. It was so hard because I could see the conflicted emotions on his face. It really was like an angel and devil were sitting on his shoulders. When he told me he felt guilty, I then felt horrible for making him feel guilty! I didn't want to make him feel bad, I wanted to make him feel good. I told him that, and we never had sex again. He did mention it again like 6 months later, and he seemed so ready to, but then I backed out. My reason was because I didn't want him to feel guilty again.

 

Unlike you (I think) I have a SO, so I wrestled with my own guilt throughout the affair. The sad thing is I felt more guilty about my mm feeling guilty (and for what I was doing to his wife) than I did for my SO. Although, after I was out of the affair fog, I started (and still do) feel extreme guilt for my deception.

 

Anyway, I will say they almost always come back, even after feeling guilty. I just got my first email from him after 5 months NC! The thing is, it's all a never ending cycle. If I respond, we will hook up, we will be "high" from the crazy passion for a bit, we will withdraw from each other, we will feel horrible guilt, we will swear to ourselves that we will never do it again, we will go nc for a few month, we will get horny, we will do it again. Ugghhhhh....so tiring. Writing this is making me stronger NOT to respond to that new email.

 

I actually am married too, and like you, right now I worry more about my MM and his guilt and what he is feeling. I know that is wrong, but my H travels all the time. He's almost never here.

 

Right now I'm feeling so sad for making him struggle so much the last time we were together, which was very recently. He asked me to "help him" be good and I wouldn't do that...instead I tried everything I could to get him to live out the fantasies that he was telling me he wants to do with me, but can't. I did everything I could, and I am ashamed of that now, but I want this man so much, I don't know what is wrong with me. I've known him for a long time, I was friends with his wife first, then the 4 of us friends and used to do a lot of things together. Not so much any more, because she began to suspect that he had feelings for me, months before any of this ever happened, our first encounter alone was only 3 weeks ago as I have said) and so she started to just see me on a one-on-one basis, and avoid activities and situations that would put him near me. So oftentimes I go a month or more without seeing him...now I don't know when I will see him again, because he wants to avoid me. I just wish I could tell him I am sorry. Do you think if I told him that I was sorry I did that to him, that would help?

Edited January 30, 2014 by littlemermaid

[sweet_pea]

What are you hoping to accomplish by apologizing? Are you hoping that by apologizing he will want to resume the affair? Honestly, you should be thankful (I know it might be hard at this time) that he stopped the affair before things progressed and blew up. Hopefully both of you remain strong and don't restart the affair. Would you be prepared for the possible destruction and fall out that an affair causes? The emotional damage and pain that it causes to you and the betrayed spouses? I also notice that this seems like a double betrayal-- you being friends with his wife (and your husband friends with him, I assume). Be glad its over. Focus on you and your marriage and deciding if you want to be married (and being honest with your husband, he deserves a say in this too)

Edited January 30, 2014 by sweet_pea

[littlemermaid]

What are you hoping to accomplish by apologizing? Are you hoping that by apologizing he will want to resume the affair? Honestly, you should be thankful (I know it might be hard at this time) that he stopped the affair before things progressed and blew up. Hopefully both of you remain strong and don't restart the affair. Would you be prepared for the possible destruction and fall out that an affair causes? The emotional damage and pain that it causes to you and the betrayed spouses? I also notice that this seems like a double betrayal-- you being friends with his wife (and your husband friends with him, I assume). Be glad its over. Focus on you and your marriage and deciding if you want to be married (and being honest with your husband, he deserves a say in this too)

 

no--in apologizing, not in hopes that he would want to resume the affair. Not my intention. Just that, as much as I said before, he created this--the more I sit here and think about what happened last time, the worse I feel that I didn't just accept what he was saying respectfully and leave. I feel so bad that I behaved the way I did to him that day. and I want him to know that I am sorry for that.

Edited January 30, 2014 by littlemermaid

[GettingOver]

Yes, he did feel the guilt, but I guess not right away. Long story short, we met when he was separated from his W and I lived in a different country. A year later when he was about to get a D his daughter was diagnosed with anorexia and he went back home in tears with the sence of guilt and for financial reaons - treatment ate a lot of money. Later we stated talking again and I ended up moving to where he lives. And here come the guilt - the guilt for lying at home and to his kids, the guilt for not being able to be with me properly, etc., etc. etc. It all came out when he decided to break up - he told his friend and family about me and they all told him that he should stop it and stay with the W. He decided to do MC, BUT we keep seeing each other AND I'd say our relationhips started getting better with his MC... I cried a river over this, but maybe it will help him to overcome the sence of guilt and make sure he had done everything to keep his family. I peronally think that it is a waste of time to do MC and keep seeing your AP on a very much regular basis. But anyways. Sence of guilt - yes, not feeling comfortable living a double life - yes. Weak and not having balls to leave a bad place - yes. Fear of unknown - also yes. He is juts a human. But I love him so much...

[woinlove]

I didn't realize you were married too. So maybe you can understand the guilt. In my case, xMM had already given up on his M, was using an A to leave and he had little to no guilt, which ultimately bothered me because it wasn't a good way to leave his M.

 

How invested are you in continuing an A with him? Do you feel you are able to walk away and sort out your M without bringing an OM into it? If so, I would consider his guilt a gift to you to get out now, avoid any further deception, and to either end your M or work toward an M that you are happy with. It makes sense that he feels guilty and if he tries to ignore those feelings, he'll probably have to pay a greater price in the future. For you, his guilty feelings could save you a lot of future grief and turmoil.

[LaylaSings]

My MM and I both felt incredibly guilty at times, for him it always happened immediatly after a sexual encounter, the rest of the time he seemed much more calm and cool.

It was the image of our families finding out that was just too much.. Not religious at all.

[littlemermaid]

I didn't realize you were married too. So maybe you can understand the guilt. In my case, xMM had already given up on his M, was using an A to leave and he had little to no guilt, which ultimately bothered me because it wasn't a good way to leave his M.

 

How invested are you in continuing an A with him? Do you feel you are able to walk away and sort out your M without bringing an OM into it? If so, I would consider his guilt a gift to you to get out now, avoid any further deception, and to either end your M or work toward an M that you are happy with. It makes sense that he feels guilty and if he tries to ignore those feelings, he'll probably have to pay a greater price in the future. For you, his guilty feelings could save you a lot of future grief and turmoil.

 

How invested am I? That's a good question, one I have been thinking about all day. I don't want to let him go. But I know that I probably have to. Right now I do. He's panicking right now, and all I can do is give him space. He is literally terrified to be in the same room with me right now, even in a public place where obviously nothing could happen. If he's gone now, then there is nothing I can do about it. But if I'm completely honest, if he comes back to me, then yes, I still want him and I want this. I don't want to cause him pain, and that is why I am leaving it up to him now. I am still beating myself up about what I did to him the other day, and I want to tell him I'm sorry but I don't want to upset him by causing him to see me when I know he can't handle seeing me right now. I'm also wanting to talk to him because we both put each other through hell that day, pushing/pulling, but in the end, that day, though we agreed that we shouldn't see each other alone again ("probably not the best idea" were his final words on that, whereas prior to that he had said "Come back whenever you want"), in the end, when I left, we were laughing, he was joking with me about something (something graphically sexual, but in a joking way) and hugging me and tickling me, we were laughing and everything seemed okay...like we would be able to see each other (not alone, but in the ways we normally see each other) and that everything would be fine...and then the very next day, it wasn't, and he ran away from me and that broke my heart. I feel like I need to tell him I'm sorry, that I will respect his wishes and his boundaries from now on.

[Learningtoletgo]

Little mermaid,

 

I am NOT saying that you should not take responsibility for part of this affair, but I don't think you should totally beat yourself up for not helping him "be good". You are both equally to blame, he could have walked away. Again, I am not an advocate for OW's behavior by any means, but on the other hand, he's a grown man and he made his own decision.

 

However, I understand that feeling of wanting to apologize. I also would like to apologize to my ex mm sometimes. I just hate that I played a part in another person's deception and betrayal of someone that he loves. I know it's hard to think of or admit, but these mm truly love their wives. And no matter what they think about you, the love for their wives runs a whole lot deeper.

 

I definitely don't think you should initiate contact to apologize. The best thing to do is give him space. You feel ashamed that you didn't help him the night you were together, so do it now! You will feel better about yourself.

 

I'm not trying to give you hope, but my guess is he will initiate contact again. It seems as if most do. At that time, maybe then you can apologize.

 

The way I am trying to look at it all (and it is easier said than done) but if we really respect and care for these men like we say we do/did, then we have to let them go.