Can someone explain what this is and how to stop it?

[ThatOneCanadian]

'Sup LoveShack community , ThatOneCanadian here. Like my other post, this is going to be pretty lengthy, and probably a little confusing as I try to get my thoughts and feelings down properly, so bear with me please.

 

I was wondering if anyone could help me understand what it is I am doing (I don't know if 'bottling up my feelings' is right, I'll try and show you what I mean), and preferably, how I can stop it.

 

I've understood that shunting your emotions aside or 'bottling up your feelings' means that you ignore the emotion you're feeling at the time and pretending it doesn't exist, although you're still aware of it. But looking back on my previous experiences, this doesn't feel like that is what I'm doing.

 

Let me explain. When I am in a situation that makes me upset, angry, etc. at that moment I live through those emotions, since it's too difficult to just ignore them. But once the moment has passed, it's like I never felt those emotions in the first place. I can still remember what I did and how I felt at the time, but It's like I become completely apathetic towards the situation after the moments over. And after a little while both the situation and the emotions are forgotten, and I go through life like nothing ever happened. But when I encounter a similar situation, the emotions I felt the last time are amplified even if the certain situation was unimportant.

 

Then, as I'm going through my life it's as if I only have one set emotion, a sort of contented apathy that unnerves me. Around others (like my family and friends) I automatically generate a happy disposition that seems to be on autopilot. In the moment I have no awareness of my thoughts or feelings, and the only reason I know this is because after I socialize I realize that I practically had no control over what I was just doing. It just happens and my body, mind and emotions seemed to just be going through the processes.

 

My friends say that I'm 'always happy', and that they've never seen me cry or get angry. But I'm not always happy, and it bewilders me that they believe it to be so. I've shown (or at least I thought) Irritation, anger, tiredness, sadness, etc..,

 

Is this autopilot affecting how my feelings are coming across? I have no control over when this happens (its not conscious at least), and is there a way so that I can feel normally? (FYI I remember having a better awareness of my emotions a couple years ago, so I have no idea how it came to this)

 

I'm also wary of the consequences of the build up that I seem to encounter (after every negative emotion inducing experience the negative emotion seems to grow)

 

For example, over the course of a few months, whenever I was out with my family and I said something, they'd not pay attention to me. Now I'm not an attention seeking person but I'm used to at least being acknowledged, and their response of 'Well you're muttering, you have to speak up!', or 'We didn't hear you' when I became obviously irritated/upset(while my brother could hear me perfectly well) kind of agitated me. But as I continued to encounter this lack of attention (and forgetting/becoming apathetic about it every time), I suddenly broke down.

 

Now when this happened we were in a public place so I tried to hide the fact that I was extremely upset and about to cry (though I cried anyway) , but the moment my Dad asked me what was wrong, the flood gates opened, so to speak. Although my parents comforted me it was obvious they were confused as to why I was so upset over something that seemed so insignificant(we were all going out to dinner, and I asked them to wait for me (which they didn't hear, obviously), and just being left alone, feeling ignored, brought back all the anger and sadness of the previous times).

 

I don't want this to happen when the situation calls for anger, rather than bitterness or sadness, because I'd rather not hurt anyone when I 'snap' , especially with my sister problems right now (though that's in another post).

 

Even now, as I'm writing this, I look back at that event and feel absolutely nothing, even though I feel like I should. It's been like this for a while now and I want it to stop.

 

Any opinions, help, feedback is appreciated

 

Confused and Befuddled,

ThatOneCanadian

[Arieswoman]

Hi TOC,

I think you need some therapy to deal with this.

 

Many people, due to culture, personality or life experiences do bottle up feelings.

This could be because they are afraid to express them, the situation is not appropriate for emotional expression, they fear others reaction to them or they don't feel confident to express themselves adequately.

 

It's quite a common problem.

 

Good Luck.

[ThatOneCanadian]

Therapy? I have considered it actually, you wouldn't happen to know what goes on during sessions do you? Like what the therapist asks, what your supposed to do, etc. (since I've never been to a therapist before)

 

And how would I go about expressing myself? I mean, after the moments passed and I turn all apathetic or forget it feels like I don't have anything to back up my feelings, or that the moment didn't matter that much anyway (like it was an insignificant problem, and that I'm only blowing it out of proportion). But during the moment, whether it's because the autopilot is on or I'm too emotional, bringing up the problem is either inappropriate or it doesn't cross my mind at all.

 

I suppose I'm actually a little afraid too, I myself feel like my problems don't matter (seeing how others, especially those close to me, are going through a lot more) and if I tell someone they'll either think I'm insane/have serious mental health issues (which I might have, I'm not too sure) or that they think my problems are insignificant and will get angry for dumping my problems on them on top of everything else when they're not really problems at all. (Even reading this I can see I have trust/self-esteem issues or something of the like, but I don't know how to stop thinking this way)

 

Oh and thanks for the response This has been bugging me for awhile, and I don't think I'd be able to tell my parents/family/friends this accurately (if this is accurate at all). I really appreciate it.