He wants to postpone wedding

[totallylost]

Need some advice.

 

I (25) have been dating this guy (33) for more than 3 years now and been engaged for a year. I planned a beautiful wedding the marriage, to be a good husband and have only one woman for the rest of his life.

 

He used to be a big flirt before me, but during those three years he has never been unfaithful to me and neither have I. We have had an idillical, fairy tale romance and relationship. It still is, both physically and emotionally or intellectually. Thus this surprise of his cold feet got me really worried and sick, literally.

 

He claims he loves me more than ever before and that if he wants to get married it is to me, he just needs some more time to make sure the urges he has are normal. He says there are times when he sees a sexy woman he has a fantasy about her. Supposedly it is nothing more than a physical urge, that has gotten stronger as the wedding date approached. He doesnt know if this is right to feel like this before entering a sacred contract of marriage. He fears that after we get married he might end up cheating on me and he doesnt want to get married just to get divored later. As funny as it sounds he says he knows I am perfect for him, and there is nothing that he hasitates about in me or his love towards me, just him missing the old ways.

 

I think last time a month ago when I was abroad and he went out with his friends he saw how they were having fun, girls around, flirting and that made him realized that that is totally over for him if he gets married. This might have been the point where he totally cracked , but he said it has been building up in him since we got engaged.

 

He doesnt want to separate or anything like that, and he expects me to wear the ring. He just wants me to tell people we postponed the wedding till spring 06. I suggested a break to see if he likes being single and dating multiple women, flirting, having fun, but he refused saying this just leads to disaster.

 

So now he asked me not to do a big deal of this, that he just wants to postpone the wedding so he can think of these urges and ask family and friends if these urges are normal or not. He feels postponing it till March 2006 will give him enough time. I asked him if he really believes we will eventually get married, he said yes. And instead of a 300 guest wedding he prefers to have a small destination wedding.

 

We were also in the very beginnings of planning a house, but now I am not sure I want to help him with it if he at the end will back out. I am in the mood for nothing, cant eat, sleep, cry, because I do love him much and cant understand why he would fear to marry, if there is nothing wrong with our relationship. He does say every other marriage ends in divorce and he doesnt want to be in this group. Please help! What am I supposed to do? Act like nothing happened? Is this really just postponing it?

[LucreziaBorgia]

He may be under the impression that being monogamous and marriage is supposed to be magically making all other attractions and urges disappear, and since it isn't happening for him - he is questioning whether or not he is as into it as he thinks. The sad thing is that those urges are normal. Acting on them is wrong if both partners have agreed to be monogamous, but having them is sometimes unavoidable. Having them doesn't mean that you don't love your partner or are no longer attracted to them, nor does it imply any intent. Attraction is just that: - finding another human being aesthetically pleasing and finding yourself attracted. Attraction to other human beings does not just magically go away when the rings go on the fingers. Couples have to understand that those urges/attractions are biologically normal and work with each other to accept that and to agree not to act on them out of respect and love for their partners. He chose you, above and over any other attraction he had - that's what is most important. He doesn't want anyone else, he just wants to assure himself of what is going on inside his head - and reconcile his feelings of what is 'normal'.

 

It sounds like he feels that right now he can't live up to your (and by extension - society's) expectations of the 'fairy tale, idealistic marriage' and has put off the wedding as a direct result of that. Have you considered asking him to attend some couples counseling for you both? Sometimes even the most idealistic fairy tale romances have some underlying problems that might not be apparent. If he's backing off to the tune of a year, and he has never had any sort of misunderstanding or argument with you the entire time you've been together - its very likely he is suppressing a good deal of emotion, and has some things going on internally that you may not be aware of.

[katie79]

...omg! forget him!

To clear any arguements here...all people who are committed are attracted to other people, they may fantacise a bit and maybe flirt, but that's all! psychologists say this is normal, which it is. however, acting on those thoughts is another thing. fear of the temptation being so overwhelming to a point where he confesses this to you and witholds it towards your marriage to come is terrible. this is a blessing, because at least he is giving you a hint that marrying him would be a bad idea. he has issues wondering if he can be faithful to you in the future now, he is tempted to cheat now...uh. let's see, what do you think will happen when your married 5 years, pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen, while his hot new secretary is flirting with him? he cheats!

 

although he sux as a fiance to you, i will give him the benifit of the doubt for confessing what a schmuck he is, and what a bigger schmuck he has potential of being. don't question this at all. he is telling you he will cheat on you. maybe he even wants your permission he can cheat on you; open marriage??

 

dump him asap and don't give him a second thought. f*ck the "destination wedding" or any type of "wedding" with him for that matter. he's not into marriage with you. he's into f***ing other people and keeping you as a dependable security blanket on the back burner. why would you even question whether or not you should marry someone like this??? this is not a classic case of a "fairy tale romance" either!

 

I'm sorry I come off cruel, but perhaps you need to get hit over the head harder with more "truth". obviously, he is telling you what's in store for you, yet you think giving him more "breathing room" will help him change his mind! nope! sorry! wake up, hon! find an honest faithful man, there are some out there!!!

[CurlyIam]

Once he got here, if he backs down... sorry, it's over with big O. Why? Because he cannot and will not fight his fears, does not want to dominate them. He choses the easy way: temptation.

 

Of course, it is admirable that he is sharing all this with you, but you must see this for what it really is: ONE BIG RED FLAG. Why settle for "I'm not so sure"? For "I want to explore my... blah blah blah"?

 

Girl, he's 33! HE did a LOT of exploring and thinking. You can bet he did. I say don't even think about investing or putting money in his projets. Do what you see fit: take the break. If he's the man he says he is, he'll find a way to make it up to you after he sees straight before his eyes.

 

But stand on your ground. Call it "break up", call it "time out". But this man refused you flat in the face with very very poor excuse. What, he's in highschool or something? Search "he's not that into you" on LS... maybe it will help you clear your mind.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear and that this is shocking... but face it!