Girlfriend of five years flirted with another guy

[ColbyRasmus]

I have to give some background for this to make sense. I've been with my gf for about five years, 99% happily. But I get "depression attacks," for lack of a better term. Sometimes, everything seems so dark, and it's almost impossible to even get out of bed. My gf knows that I've been suicidal at times, so she's constantly worried for me. I know that's a lot to put on someone, so I've told her that if she doesn't want to or can't handle my issues, it's okay to leave. She insists it's okay, and when we're good, our relationship is as close to perfect as can be. I've been working on my depression issues for awhile, but it's very hard to deal with.

 

Well, we've hit a few snags before this. She hasn't been into me sexually as much over the past year. I'm always the one starting those interactions, and she doesn't enjoy it as much as she used to. I've tried talking to her about it, but she said it's just an issue with herself, and she doesn't know why she isn't as interested.

 

Now, to the incident: a few weeks ago, I was trying to deal with one of my worst bouts of depression. I told my gf I wasn't up to seeing her, and because I was sleeping 18 hours a day, we weren't really talking. Well, after I get a little better, we start talking again, and she tells about this new guy at work that she had to train. She said it was awkward, because he was hitting on her. I said, "Was he cute?" (just being jokey) and she got really confrontational, which made me think there was more to the story. Eventually, she said she needed to tell me something, but only if I wouldn't get mad. She said when he flirted, it was hard to not flirt back. I asked her if she did flirt, and she said yes. I made her tell me what happened, and she said she flirted with him all through his training, and then she flirted with him the next day, too. I asked if she was sorry about it, and she said yes, she felt guilty after doing it the first day.

 

I said, "If you really felt guilty, why did you flirt with him again the next day?" She said, "I liked the attention." She said she couldn't control herself. She didn't apologize for the flirting until I started getting angry.

 

Now, here are my issues. How can she say she couldn't control herself? When you are with someone for five years, that is an urge you should be able to control, right? Or am I off-base here? Also, she knew I was feeling damn worthless...what did she think flirting with another guy would do to me? I know I wasn't there emotionally for her at the time, but she had to know what she was doing to me. She knows my depression can fester and be hard to deal with, but I've told her many times that I wasn't gonna make her deal with that. If it's too much for her, I would understand her leaving. She says the flirting wasn't sexual in nature, but the way she described it, they were right on that grey line. I don't like that she said "it was too hard not to," and I don't like that she waited a few days after the incident to tell me. If she really felt guilty, shouldn't she have told me right away?

 

Look, I'm not an attractive guy, and she's way out of my league. I thought I had learned to accept that, but I looked the guy up that she was flirting with, and he's way more attractive than I am, which makes me feel even worse about myself. How should I treat this situation? If she was just flirting with other guys unprovoked, I would know what to do. But I feel like I pushed her onto someone else, because I wasn't emotionally available. But at the same time, I can't control my depression, and it takes everything out of me just to stop my hand from pulling the trigger.

 

What would you do? Should I just forgive her and hope it doesn't happen again? Do you guys think she'll do it again whenever we hit a rough patch?

[soccerrprp]

I am sorry, but I don't see that much hope in your relationship. Just being honest and since you're on LS, you should be prepared to hear all sides, even negative.

 

1. You are suffering from depression. If you can't control it and be full capable of providing a consistent healthy relationship, then anyone would and could get tired of it. Fatigued. I think now, she is....

2. You say she is out of your league, well, maybe...she's flirting with a guy you say is much better looking....not a surprise now that she is likely beginning to see that you may not be the healthiest, best fit for her

3. Frankly, you need to work on yourself. You are not healthy for anyone right now. You say you can't control your depression....are you seeing a counselor? On meds to help?

4. She doesn't want to hurt you. She probably feels responsible, unfortunately trapped. She felt guilty, so it is understandable that she waited, stewed over it.

5. You admit that you may not have been available emotionally...well, women need that. Again, you ought to be aware that if you cannot provide emotional support, women, especially begin to feel lost, uncertain.

 

You should be concentrating on yourself. HELP YOURSELF be healthy for YOU so that you can be healthy for others. Get help or more help!

Edited January 29, 2014 by soccerrprp

[ColbyRasmus]

I am sorry, but I don't see that much hope in your relationship. Just being honest and since you're on LS, you should be prepared to hear all sides, even negative.

 

1. You are suffering from depression. If you can't control it and be full capable of providing a consistent healthy relationship, then anyone would and could get tired of it. Fatigued. I think now, she is....

2. You say she is out of your league, well, maybe...she's flirting with a guy you say is much better looking....not a surprise now that she is likely beginning to see that you may not be the healthiest, best fit for her

3. Frankly, you need to work on yourself. You are not healthy for anyone right now. You say you can't control your depression....are you seeing a counselor? On meds to help?

4. She doesn't want to hurt you. She probably feels responsible, unfortunately trapped. She felt guilty, so it is understandable that she waited, stewed over it.

5. You admit that you may not have been available emotionally...well, women need that. Again, you ought to be aware that if you cannot provide emotional support, women, especially begin to feel lost, uncertain.

 

You should be concentrating on yourself. HELP YOURSELF be healthy for YOU so that you can be healthy for others. Get help or more help!

Getting help is hard. I had back surgery about a year ago for back pain, and I'm still suffering pretty bad pain from that. I'm taking pain medicine for that. I'm worried that if depression goes down in my files, I won't be able to get that relief anymore. I'm not sure if that's how it works, but since every doctor asks me, "Are you depressed?", I don't know if I can take the risk.

 

She has said in the past that she is worried that if we break up, I will be more prone to committing suicide. I don't want to be with someone where that is a factor, you know what I mean? It makes me feel truly terrible that it is a factor in our relationship. I told her after this incident that if she wanted to explore her options, now is her chance. But she said she truly wants to be with me and wants to work things out. Do you think I should just break up with her, so she doesn't have to deal with me anymore?

[soccerrprp]

Getting help is hard. I had back surgery about a year ago for back pain, and I'm still suffering pretty bad pain from that. I'm taking pain medicine for that. I'm worried that if depression goes down in my files, I won't be able to get that relief anymore. I'm not sure if that's how it works, but since every doctor asks me, "Are you depressed?", I don't know if I can take the risk.

 

She has said in the past that she is worried that if we break up, I will be more prone to committing suicide. I don't want to be with someone where that is a factor, you know what I mean? It makes me feel truly terrible that it is a factor in our relationship. I told her after this incident that if she wanted to explore her options, now is her chance. But she said she truly wants to be with me and wants to work things out. Do you think I should just break up with her, so she doesn't have to deal with me anymore?

 

Colby,

 

I'm going to be blunt, honest. It is clear that at least a part of her is feels trapped. Not fair to her. You are dealing with some things that you NEED to deal with and do so by seeking all the available help you can. You are on painkillers. Are you addicted to those? You clearly haven't spoken to doctors about what painkiller + antidepressant would work. There has to be.

 

People live with pain all the time, but deep depression is much more serious. You are not dealing with an issue in your life that will certainly impact how you will respond to the point of inflicting pain or worse to yourself. YOU NEED TO HELP YOURSELF! I feel sorry for your gf. I don't feel that she feels certain and may be staying b/c she's afraid that you'll hurt yourself. I have a friend that was in a relationship like that. I and others encouraged her get out. She did. She's better off and can't, though she does, worry about what her ex will do in the future. She tried helping and he did not do his best to help himself. Guess what, neither are you. People will tell someone that "you can't fix him/her. She/he needs to want to do it for him/herself." It's true. Right now you are not making every effort to help yourself.

 

Should you break it off with her? I would not dare answer that for you. But, if I were her friend, sibling, I would be counseling her to move on. In the end, she'll make her own decision, but one thing is very clear, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY, CONSCIOUSLY AND FULLY AWARE THAT YOU ARE NOT HEALTHY, HAVE NOT MADE EVERY EFFORT TO HELP YOURSELF AND THAT YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR GF IN AN UNFAIR POSITION. Your depression needs to be dealt with.

 

If you're going to stay with her, then deal with the depression. If not, you are not being fair to her.

[ColbyRasmus]

Colby,

 

I'm going to be blunt, honest. It is clear that at least a part of her is feels trapped. Not fair to her. You are dealing with some things that you NEED to deal with and do so by seeking all the available help you can. You are on painkillers. Are you addicted to those? You clearly haven't spoken to doctors about what painkiller + antidepressant would work. There has to be.

 

People live with pain all the time, but deep depression is much more serious. You are not dealing with an issue in your life that will certainly impact how you will respond to the point of inflicting pain or worse to yourself. YOU NEED TO HELP YOURSELF! I feel sorry for your gf. I don't feel that she feels certain and may be staying b/c she's afraid that you'll hurt yourself. I have a friend that was in a relationship like that. I and others encouraged her get out. She did. She's better off and can't, though she does, worry about what her ex will do in the future. She tried helping and he did not do his best to help himself. Guess what, neither are you. People will tell someone that "you can't fix him/her. She/he needs to want to do it for him/herself." It's true. Right now you are not making every effort to help yourself.

 

Should you break it off with her? I would not dare answer that for you. But, if I were her friend, sibling, I would be counseling her to move on. In the end, she'll make her own decision, but one thing is very clear, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY, CONSCIOUSLY AND FULLY AWARE THAT YOU ARE NOT HEALTHY, HAVE NOT MADE EVERY EFFORT TO HELP YOURSELF AND THAT YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR GF IN AN UNFAIR POSITION. Your depression needs to be dealt with.

 

If you're going to stay with her, then deal with the depression. If not, you are not being fair to her.

Thank you for being blunt. I needed that. I knew I was hurting her, but you helped me realize just how bad it is. I think I will break up with her. It will be hard, since she is my only friend, and I have no family. I will have to battle this alone, and maybe I won't make it. But I will feel better that she can be truly happy again. She's an amazing person and deserves that.

[MrMeh]

You will make it. You came here for advice and shared your problems. Not too

many people can simply do that.

 

You can always chat with us if you need to converse about anything. Stay strong.

[ctxinfl]

I won't pretend to know what you are going through, though I'll say that even if you intend on breaking up with her there is no reason you can't remain friends. And you'll probably need friends to help you deal with your challenges.

[georgecostanza]

Please see somebody about your depression. The fact that it could be the only way to save your relationship should make it even more important to do so.

[bubbaganoosh]

For Gods sake man you need help. You suffer with depression and when the doctor asks, you lie about it?

 

There's medication for your illness and it helps and for you to deny it, your only fooling yourself.

 

To the right thing and be HONEST WITH YOUR DOCTOR!! You stated that you have suicidal thoughts. Do you want that to become a reality? He's a doctor and he's there to help you so time to man up and do the right thing. It's only your life were talking about here.

[OpheliaSong]

Colby,

 

I'm going to be blunt, honest. It is clear that at least a part of her is feels trapped. Not fair to her. You are dealing with some things that you NEED to deal with and do so by seeking all the available help you can. You are on painkillers. Are you addicted to those? You clearly haven't spoken to doctors about what painkiller + antidepressant would work. There has to be.

 

People live with pain all the time, but deep depression is much more serious. You are not dealing with an issue in your life that will certainly impact how you will respond to the point of inflicting pain or worse to yourself. YOU NEED TO HELP YOURSELF! I feel sorry for your gf. I don't feel that she feels certain and may be staying b/c she's afraid that you'll hurt yourself. I have a friend that was in a relationship like that. I and others encouraged her get out. She did. She's better off and can't, though she does, worry about what her ex will do in the future. She tried helping and he did not do his best to help himself. Guess what, neither are you. People will tell someone that "you can't fix him/her. She/he needs to want to do it for him/herself." It's true. Right now you are not making every effort to help yourself.

 

Should you break it off with her? I would not dare answer that for you. But, if I were her friend, sibling, I would be counseling her to move on. In the end, she'll make her own decision, but one thing is very clear, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY, CONSCIOUSLY AND FULLY AWARE THAT YOU ARE NOT HEALTHY, HAVE NOT MADE EVERY EFFORT TO HELP YOURSELF AND THAT YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR GF IN AN UNFAIR POSITION. Your depression needs to be dealt with.

 

If you're going to stay with her, then deal with the depression. If not, you are not being fair to her.

 

Please listen to this advice as it is very smart. You can still have pain management with depression management. You are in a deep dark hole and you are asking someone to be in it with you. She shouldn't be flirting with someone else, but at this point I think she is just trying to feel like a normal healthy woman instead of a care taker for your depression and pain medication issues. I really feel compassion for you both. Life can be so difficult sometimes. Please know that you can find a way to manage both with lots of help. Hugs.

[Chi townD]

I'm not sure if that's how it works, but since every doctor asks me, "Are you depressed?", I don't know if I can take the risk.

 

 

Actually, this is a standard question. In sports medicine, depression has been linked to people recovering from an injury and surgery. Why? because patients can start feeling helpless. They hate depending on people to do things for them, they want to be back to 100% and they can't. So, depression sets in.

 

So, if they ask you, be honest. It's no big deal and it's not uncommon.

[road]

The way an alcoholic needs AA. You need professional help with your depression.

 

 

Your motivation is to not lose a girl that is out of your league.

 

 

She has not wanted sex much. Well for a woman to feel romantic and want It. She needs to be in a relationship. You going dark on her is not being in a relationship. She has needs to be met. You going dark takes you out of her loop. With her longing to have her needs met. This opens the door for other men to move in.

 

 

You can control that door and have her keep it closed by you getting help for your problems. You will be able to met all of her needs.

[lolablue17]

she flirted.

ask her - "do you love me? do you want to be commited only to me?"

 

If she says yes, drop the flirting issue. i guess if you dont drop it, this will damage your relationship.

[d0nnivain]

I am a very flirty person. I always have been. My husband jokes that I couldn't stop flirting any more than I could stop breathing. It had absolutely nothing to do with how much I love him. I have also been 100% faithful to every man I ever dated.

 

 

Your GF flirted with someone during a period of time when you kind of checked out on her emotionally because you were dealing with your own issues. She also told you about it. She didn't hide it & she didn't cross any cheating lines . . . she just flirted harmlessly if she made it clear to her trainee that she has a BF.

 

 

Try to wrap your head around the fact that she picked you. She's stuck by you for 5 years despite your efforts to push her away. (on a side note, you better stop that before it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.) She's honest.

 

 

Really what else do you want from this woman? You can't exactly expect her to sit by your side & watch you sleep 18 hours a day when you are too depressed to do anything else.

[Keenly]

I didn't realize flirting = being unfaithful.

[ColbyRasmus]

I won't pretend to know what you are going through, though I'll say that even if you intend on breaking up with her there is no reason you can't remain friends. And you'll probably need friends to help you deal with your challenges.

I broke up with her so she didn't have to deal with my junk anymore. I don't think she can move on if I'm worrying her with every negative thought.

 

Actually, this is a standard question. In sports medicine, depression has been linked to people recovering from an injury and surgery. Why? because patients can start feeling helpless. They hate depending on people to do things for them, they want to be back to 100% and they can't. So, depression sets in.

 

So, if they ask you, be honest. It's no big deal and it's not uncommon.

Thank you for the advice. I will definitely start telling the truth when it comes to this question.

 

Your GF flirted with someone during a period of time when you kind of checked out on her emotionally because you were dealing with your own issues. She also told you about it. She didn't hide it & she didn't cross any cheating lines . . . she just flirted harmlessly if she made it clear to her trainee that she has a BF.

 

She never told him she has, well, I guess had, a bf. Since we broke up, I told her she could now explore her options and not feel guilty about it.

 

To those I didn't reply to, I read what you said and thank you for your (mostly) kind words. It really has helped.

[road]

I didn't realize flirting = being unfaithful.

 

 

 

It is taking the first step onto a slippery slope.

[gaius]

Good for you Colby. I've noticed a lot of people suffering from depression can be incredibly manipulative and selfish but you straight up did the right thing by breaking up with her. I hope you manage to bust through it. Some of the newer anti-depressants can work wonders.

[soccerrprp]

Colby,

 

You did the right thing. I also agree with gaius. People with depression are some times known to manipulate others by using their ailment. You resisted and let your gf FREE.

 

NOW GO GET THE BEST HELP FOR YOU!

[crederer]

Colby, worry about getting your batting average up before worrying about your love life. I need to see the jays win at least one playoff game before I die.

[ColbyRasmus]

Well obviously you need to deal with the depression, but as to the flirting itself yes I would say it wasn't a good sign, and with a co-worker? How could you ever trust her around this guy now? Who knows what would happen?

 

Though I do see you say you broke up with this girl. Which is ok, I just felt that while a lot of people were focusing on pointing out your depression issues and how you need to deal with them(which is not bad advice) someone should also chime in about how this type of behavior isn't really ok from someone you have been with for 5 years.

I hear you, man. With the help of you guys, I realize this was a cry for attention and help. It made me realize what I was doing to her and that it has to be fixed. But here's the thing. Even if 99% of the blame is on me, she still flirted, multiple times. I see her in a different light. Whether that's fair or not, I don't know...but it's how I feel. I've got deep trust issues to go along with the dark fog of depression, so you can see how this is a big issue for me. I've already forgiven her, but I'm also holding her accountable, if that makes sense.

 

Post-breakup is a strange situation for me. The original plan was to maintain a strict NC in order to focus on getting better. But she blames herself for the breakup, no matter what I say, and she is so worried about me doing something terrible that she won't let me cut all contact. It's easy to ignore texts and calls, but I can't ignore her showing up at my door to check on me. To make someone so scared of you dying that they worry non-stop about it...that's rough, and I feel dreadful. So, we're still talking. Our anger and sadness has cooled a bit, and she insists that even with all the mental anguish I've caused, she understands why it happened, and as long as I don't cut her out like I did before, and as long as I legitimately try to get professional help, she wants to be together. I said, now that I know what cutting her out does, I will never do it again, but as for a relationship, she will need to wait for me to get totally healthy, which could take some time.

 

Am I handling this right? NC is almost impossible in my situation, and I will admit, talking to her is helping a lot. I made it clear not to get her hopes up and that I might need a lot of time. She has every right to find someone else, so I figure, if she's still willing to be with me one, two, six, even 12 months down the road, maybe we're worth exploring again. I do love the hell out of her, no matter how things have gone down.

 

You guys have definitely opened my eyes. Being suicidal is just ridiculous, isn't it? It was fine wallowing in my own despair when it only affected me, but when I found out how badly it was hurting someone else, everything changed.

 

Colby, worry about getting your batting average up before worrying about your love life. I need to see the jays win at least one playoff game before I die.

Ha, no promises. I think last year is the best year you're gonna get out of me.

[soccerrprp]

Colby,

 

Not much you can do about her voluntarily coming to you. Hopefully she proves to be a positive force in YOUR recovery.

 

You concentrate on yourself and don't worry about what she does, though supportive at this time. BUT keep on track towards recovery no matter what.

 

As per her flirting, well, that sucks for sure. For you, but her flirting came with a lot of frustration and in the end, she stayed with you. If you can't deal with that flirting, let her know.

 

Yes, suicide is also regarded as an extremely selfish act, but life can be tough.

Edited February 3, 2014 by soccerrprp