Has any OM found someone new and finally walked away from the AP?

[Rottentomatoes]

I've been dating sporadically since my 5 year A with MW ended.I've met someone who seems like a nice girl, we've even talked about marriage . I feel like my heart is still with MW , although I'm sure now she's never coming out of her M.

 

I don't know when I will be completely over her . It's been a long year of absolutely no contact and I still think about her every day and wonder every day if she misses me . Maybe I'll never get over her completely.

 

Should I wait till I' m over her so I'm available emotionally for my gf, possible wife? Or should I just go ahead and get married and hope for the best? Maybe getting married will help my feelings fade.

 

I haven't contacted her in a year and vice versa . Why do I not feel healed and ready to move forward? She was married , with kids = baggage! My present gf has never been married, no kids . Yet, why do I feel like if the MW called me right now with news of her divorce, I'll dump gf and do anything to be with MW.

 

Please help.

[kalika]

Wow. It honestly sounds like although this new lady is a good person, you're just not in love with her. Have you asked her to marry you?? I'm confused about why you're talking about marriage when you obviously don't love her the way you should. You really shouldn't be pining over someone else ... that's not fair to her.

 

Maybe you should consider counseling to help you get over your ex A partner ??

[Rottentomatoes]

I have. It wasn't helping at all!

 

I have tried keeping busy, I have a successful career, hobbies , pets . Everything reminds me of MW.

 

When I met my present gf, I did tell her I had been involved with someone that I don't feel I was over yet( I didn't tell her she was married) but gf asked me a couple if questions and then told me she liked me a lot . I do like her . She brought up marriage and I told her yes its a possibility , which is true .

I've told gf that I still miss my ex but haven't been in touch with her , nor do I plan to contact her.

 

Truth is my heart hurts, hurts like hell! I do everything I can to distract myself but I'm just hurting so bad! When does it get better? If it's going to take a very long time, I should just tell my gf no and break up with her . If it never heals, what is the point of letting go if a nice pretty girl who likes me ?

 

love hurts!

[carhill]

Unfinished business....

 

IMO, if you're dating whom you feel to be a healthy person, continue and get some IC, tasking the therapist to focus on processing out the past unhealthy relationship. Work through the 'business' and let it go.

 

When I said 'goodbye', there was no one else in the picture and a couple years of depression ensued. Had I gotten counseling then, I'll bet things, including my later marriage, would have gone far differently, from my end anyway. Once we went through MC, bam the light bulb went on.

 

Good luck.

[Rottentomatoes]

Thanks. A couple of years? Yikes!

I'll go find a new therapist as soon a possible .

 

You are right about unfinished business . There were no arguments, no fights. She tried to cut me off a couple if times because she said she couldn't divorce husband .one of her kids is diabetic and one other kid is severely dyslexic and struggling in school . I feel her kids was why she chose to stay in her marriage . The last time she cut me off, it was totally out of the blue . She told me she didn't want to string me along and I told her I didn't mind ! Anything to keep seeing her .She never tried to get in touch, blocked me , I respected her wishes , but seems like so much more needed to be said . Am I making sense? Good god,

[carhill]

Yep, that was 20+ years ago but it makes perfect sense. In my case I was the one to say 'goodbye' and told her precisely why, because I did not like her lying to her husband, which she had done to spend her BD with me at my place. Many years later she would tell me, as we did perfect NC after that day in between, that she assumed I didn't want to have anything to do with her. Ironically, she shared that she had filed for divorce from her H the same month my exW and I started dating, which of course I was unaware of. IMO, all the later 'stuff' we went through, long after the original affair, helped close the business, along with the MC process.

 

IME, the only thing worse than unrequited love is unfinished business. Sucks!

 

Sounds like you have a good thing going here so don't muck it up. If you've talked marriage with this current lady, IMO she deserves transparency about what you want to work through. Ask her how she feels about PMC. If she sounds amenable, share that you've got some unresolved issues from the past and want to address them on your own. See how she reacts. I mention this because all people and all couples have challenges they will have to face and work through in life. The choices lie in how we react, process and address those challenges. Are you a team or aren't you? IMO, it's good to get a feel for that early-on, if this is serious.

[Rottentomatoes]

I told gf that my ex was a MW. She wanted to know some details , I answered her questions as best as I could . Best to tell her now . I told her to sleep on it, think about continuing with me carefully and if she wants to leave , ill respect her decision . Ill be disappointed if she left but it makes me feel better that she knows the exact situation . If she leaves, I'm ok . By contrast, I can't help but think how terrified I was when MW was leaving me . I was begging her to reconsider her decision .

 

Were you as torn up as me? Would've taken her back if ud known about her divorce in time?

[Rottentomatoes]

Thanks btw carhill .

Just going through a bad week possibly made worse because gf talked about marriage . I think I'm freaking out because that calls for complete fidelity and my heart is not allowing it .

[imperfectangel]

I don't mean to be rude but not once in this thread have you ever said you LOVE your current gf

 

why would you want to marry someone you only "like"?!

[carhill]

Were you as torn up as me? Would've taken her back if ud known about her divorce in time?

 

Hard to know for sure. My bet is that it would have affected me. Unknown as to degree. As things worked out, it likely wouldn't have mattered. The details aren't really important but did help process out the unfinished business.

 

One relevant comment is that we love different people in different ways. The preceding poster makes a valid assertion regarding how you feel. Sometimes it appears you're focusing on the past MW to the exclusion of the current lady. Perhaps that's because you're attempting to work through this past issue and resolve it and your feelings for the current lady aren't being as articulated. What's your perspective on that?

 

In retrospect, I can comment that my love for my exW, while quite different than that for the past MW, was far healthier, and I still respect my exW even though we're now divorced. We both gave M our best shot and that's a good memory I'll carry forward. Unknown how you will process things with your current lady. Whatever that process is, own it. Take responsibility.

[zevahc]

I've been dating sporadically since my 5 year A with MW ended.I've met someone who seems like a nice girl, we've even talked about marriage . I feel like my heart is still with MW , although I'm sure now she's never coming out of her M.

 

I don't know when I will be completely over her . It's been a long year of absolutely no contact and I still think about her every day and wonder every day if she misses me . Maybe I'll never get over her completely.

 

Should I wait till I' m over her so I'm available emotionally for my gf, possible wife? Or should I just go ahead and get married and hope for the best? Maybe getting married will help my feelings fade.

 

I haven't contacted her in a year and vice versa . Why do I not feel healed and ready to move forward? She was married , with kids = baggage! My present gf has never been married, no kids . Yet, why do I feel like if the MW called me right now with news of her divorce, I'll dump gf and do anything to be with MW.

 

Please help.

 

I'm in the same situation...a few months of strict NC and was pretty much LC prior to that...I've been dating off and on. And I'm also now seeing someone. The connection isn't as natural. She's nice...gorgeous...but I haven't stopped thinking about MW one day. Yesterday was bad as NC was broken for the first time since early December and it was tough. It was as if she was over me...and that can't be....it's ego that hurts I suppose.

 

Anyhow, I don't know that I'll ever completely get over her...but maybe we learn to deal with it...I'm trying very hard to be objective and open about meeting new people and giving them a chance. Fine line.

 

I don't have any advice...but I do sympathize.

[Rottentomatoes]

That just it! what zevahc said my connection with my gf feels NOTHING like what i had with MW, it doesn't feel natural.

With MW, I was so comfortable, I could share anything, I could tell her anything. I can't even tell gf how I feel right now, how terribly I miss MW sometimes.

There was something about MW that my gf just doesn't have, or any other girl that I've met, for that matter. MW has one child with a chronic medical condition and another with severe dyslexia. Any yet she handled it all with so much grace, never complained about anything. She seemed kinda quiet and shy but said the most hilarious things once she opened her mouth . I never saw her with makeup on, maybe some lipgloss but she was the sexiest most beautiful woman I ever saw.

I'm going crazy here:D no, i feel none of that for this intelligent beautiful voluptious young lady.

i talked to gf last night and told her I need time to resolve my issues and feelings. Its unfair to her to keep her in a relationship where I don't feel 'love' for her. I told her to not wait for me .

I'm reaching the stage like some of the posts on here where I feel like I want to see MW just one more time, just hear her voice.

It can't just be the sex that I'm missing before people start to point that out,I've been having regular sex with gf and it feels so empty, so meaningless. Sex with MW was only once a month on an average and I was very faithful so it was all that I got and it seemed so fulfilling. Frustrating but oh so worth the wait kinda sex.

I couldn't bear to think she's gotten over me.If she has, why can't I??

[imperfectangel]

did you say your ex mw got divorced? if so why not reach out?

 

unless she is still m or you know in your heart it would never work I'd reach out see where she's at she could be feeling the exact same way as you

 

my mm will never divorce so it's pointless for me. I have to try to move on but if there's a chance you should take it IMO

[zevahc]

Be cautious reaching out. I went NC...staying NC is what is best for me...and MW until she figures out her life. Breaking NC yesterday was bad...it triggered me horribly. My feelings aren't gone..never were. But it's best not to be involved in her every day life.

[Rottentomatoes]

oh imperfectangel, I WISH! I made her promise she'll inform me if she ever even started the divorce proceedings, so that i could be there for her. But there's nothing from her,no email, no txt.

zevahc, this is why Ive been so steadfast in my commitment to not contact her unless she does, because if she figures things out and thinks she wants me ( even as a lover) , she knows exactly where i am.

Yeah, thats how I feel today, this is where I am, if she lets me back in her life even as the other man, I'll go for it. I told her that if she changed my mind and ends up at my door even in the middle of the night, with her kids, I'll take her in with open arms!

god knows i love her and her kids and her pets , by association.

the only person i dont like by her association is her husband:p

[proseandpassion]

Just a few thoughts. Those of you who say you feel nothing for your GF but DID for your MW - this has nothing to do with the MW or the GF. It's you, you and your fear of real, truthful intimacy. With a married AP, you don't HAVE to get real. It's a relationship in a vacuum. With the GF, it might get real. It could lead to marriage, to kids. You have to show yourself, flaws and all.

 

I am wrestling with this myself, as I've realized every "relationship" I've been in where I was deeply in love (or so I thought), was actually an affair. Not with someone married. But someone unavailable, or long distance. Everyone available didn't appeal to me. And that's because I have a deep, unconscious fear of intimacy.

[carhill]

the only person i dont like by her association is her husband

 

Interesting comment. In early days, I felt the same way. To the point of going Wild West (not uncommon where I live).

 

However, over many years and much more experience in life, I came to see that actually knowing the person, not merely processing unverified words, was a very different path and very different result. The maxim of 'there are two sides to the story and the truth is somewhere in the middle' was proven over and over again, and proved to be true in my example case as well. That's part of why I put my exW and fMW together, so there would be no ambiguity. Each would hear both 'sides' and could make up their own mind. fMW did, went with her BF and we're both happy, I hope. Business finished.

[Rottentomatoes]

Thank you for your perspective prose&passion but I was dying to get married to her. I wanted the A to stop and to get married to her and take that responsibility. I think it was quite the opposite! I was NOT getting the true, meaningful intimacy that I yearned for, that only comes with marriage, with that committment. I was ready to take on any challenges that came our way, together. I make good money, own my house and car, have a cleaning and cooking lady. I 'm sure I could have handled marraige very well, emotionally and financially. She is the one who chose to 'set me free' . I think her kids were the main reason for it , my youngest brother had Down's and I literally raised him and had to grieve his death...I know I'm capable of dealing with children with issues.

 

What I worry with my gf is that I won't be able to give her my all, atleast not at this point although she seems to think that these feelings will be 'gone' if we took our relationship to the next level. I don't want her hurt and I don't want more hurt for myself.

 

My parents have been happily married 40+ years, my brothers 10+ years( one with a lady who had a kid from a previous relationship) that's what I wanted with MW damn it!

I think the lack of closure is that had the kids been 'normal' , would sheve still stayed in her marriage?

AARGH eating my insides today

[Rottentomatoes]

carhill, he's probably a good man and must be a good father or she wouldn't stay with him, would she?

 

She never badmouthed him, but then she never said anything bad about anyone or anything, like i said she never complained about her kids issues., always had a smile on her face.

 

All I'm saying is I dont like him because he is her husband

[carhill]

I think the lack of closure is that had the kids been 'normal' , would sheve still stayed in her marriage?

 

Depends on the person but IME children are no inhibition to many women leaving their M's, either for another man or to be single. I've got dozens of examples from my social circle to prove it, including such of women with 'special needs' children. If they want to go, they go.

 

Funny story: I was dating a lady with a couple of kids, in fact the one who was my first LTR after my 'depression' and, one weekend, there's a knock on the door at her house and this little girl who seemed vaguely familiar was standing there. I looked past her and who would be standing there but the person I hadn't seen in four years, fMW, her mother. It turned out the daughter of the lady I was dating and her daughter were best friends! Talk about unfinished business. I froze! You can imagine where things went from there.

 

Anyway, married people are married people. They do what they do. I think your choice to let your GF go was a wise one. No harm in dating to check whether your feelings for fMW still dominate but also respect the feelings of those who you would date. Good luck.

[imperfectangel]

like I said it sounds like with your gf you would be settling. not once have you said you loved her. maybe making contact isn't the answer but neither is marrying someone you only like

[Rottentomatoes]

carhill too funny man:D:D:D:D:D

I may be wrong but did you have A with more than one MW?

 

imperfectangel,please read the whole post.

[imperfectangel]

I have a brain injury, I'm sorry I have trouble taking it all in.

 

I won't bother posting in this thread again

[Rottentomatoes]

imperfectngel, i'm sorry, i wasnt trying to be rude.

 

I have told gf I have unresolved feelings for my ex and i need to figure stuff out . I also told her to not wait for me.

[carhill]

carhill too funny man:D:D:D:D:D

I may be wrong but did you have A with more than one MW?

 

Same one, fMW became OW about 23 years later.