Lost soulmate Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 My story I'll try to be brief. We met 15 years ago and lived together for 6. We were married in 2004. Our relationship seemed really great with a few minor ups and downs along the way. Everybody was envious of what we had and we both seemed really lucky to have found each other. A few years ago we found out that my wife was unable to have children. Being very supportive of her i told her if that was the way it was i was fine with it as long as we had each other. So we focused on our careers. I was working and put her through school. There were a few times she wanted to quit but i helped get her through. After her schooling she started her career and during her schooling i had started my own business. Things were going great and we finally bought a new house last year. Since then , in the last year we have experienced numerous deaths in our families. They were dark times but we pulled through. Then late last year her father passed away. She had changed, never really breaking down about it. Then in November we had attended a party where later in the night her friend who was a party girl had hit on me. If I had been single I would not want to do anything with this girl. The next two weeks had gone by and everything seemed to be normal. Then about two weeks before Christmas I could feel tensions rising between me and my wife. A few days later she dropped the bomb on mesaying she couldn't do this anymore and wanted to seperate. I was stunned and didn't know what to say. I asked her to reconsider and stayed the night with her sleeping in our bed. The next morning i asked her to think about it and gave her time to herself. When i got home she had taken some clothes and left. She still did Christmas shopping for my family. I contacted her on Christmas Eve and in the conversation she told me she thought i should let go. I did not contact her again through new years and just after I checked my bank accounts and found she had paid off new furniture in the house and appliances also. She had been on a shopping spree buying clothes and hair and nails spending a thousand dollars in ten days. I immediately took half of the money out of the account and put into another she did not have access to. She then started calling me and i blew her off for the day. Later in the evening i texted her and she called me. I told her my conditions if she wanted divorce. She then started talking about trying to work it out. We went to dinner and she was barely there. We were supposed to go out the next weekend and then her friend, the one who hit on me, made plans with her on that night. She blew me off for this girl and tried to reschedule with me. I told her where I thought her priorities are and if she didn't want to try I wouldn't make her. Her friend by the way is divorced. I have seen her chase men that just weren't that into her. I feel she is an anchor to my wife. It has been a month and a half and we are signing divorce papers tomorrow. I have read nearly every post on this site but have seen none with this type of perfect storm. My wife just is not herself anymore. Help please.... Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 There is a huge factor that isn't being brought up. Either you aren't aware of it or you haven't told us. Is she having an affair? Is there a mental health problem with either of you? Do you truly want to be married to her? I have heard many times that, even more so than an affair or even physical abuse, a woman will leave a man if she feels uncherished. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost soulmate Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 On my part, no there is no affair. On her part I have checked phone records and found nothing of the sort. There have never been mental health issues for either of us but I can't say that about me now. It doesn't make sense to me. In the last year I can say that our quality time together has been diminished mostly due to her father having cancer and us caring for him and mother-in-law. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost soulmate Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Oh yeah, and never mentally or physically abused her. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 What does SHE say? If there's on thing I've learned about women in relationships, it's that the truth rarely matters. What they FEEL matters. What has she told you? What are her reasons for wanting to separate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost soulmate Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 I am really at a loss here. I am leaning to her having an affair with the way she's acting. I have asked her to tell me without the details just for closure. She denies and gets mad that i would think that. Her mother calls and checks on me, she tells me that other than work she never leaves the house. It could be someone at her work but I don't know. I am worried about her and there's nothing I can do. I have asked her to go to MC and asked if she would go to grief counseling but she will not. She says she dont like to have those feelings. She says her father's death has nothing to do with us. I am going through all of the emotions others have experienced with Walk aways. Lost 25 pounds this last month. This girl who is her "friend" tells her she is funner to be around when she is not with me. Who would do that to someone who has been through so much, tell them to leave their H? This girl is divorced and needs a single girl to go to the bars with. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 GIGS. Sounds like you did good. Not too painful and quick. Plenty of time to rebuild. Don't be surprised if a new guy suddenly appears on the scene. I recall my exW and I filing (for divorce) and her best friend filing a few months later. She had been married 20 years and just died recently. Alcoholism. Group think can be an interesting dynamic. That's how it goes. My sympathies. Minor consolation- my exW and I filed our final dissolution documents with the court together, then I picked up my mom's remains (she had died recently) and exW and I had lunch. For me, 'signing day' wasn't too bad. Got a lot of doors closed that day. New life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost soulmate Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 She says that she feels numb. She feels i have not been there enough to console her with her loss. I own a business and i know that is no excuse but i have to work. When i am done i come home to be with her. I have tried to get her to talk about how she feels about her father and she would only say that he is not hurting anymore and she doesn't have to see her mother go through the task of helping him and not taking care of herself. When the bomb dropped, she told me I reminded her of her father and almost started talking bad about him. That he was too controlling. I have never been controlling of her. I would always let her do what she wanted. I'm not saying I'm not the problem here I know I have my faults. She would never communicate with me. When i knew something was wrong I would try to talk about it but she wouldn't tell me. Sometimes I felt like I had to get her mad to bring it out of her. I know it's not right but it's the only way she would come out with it. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 This girl who is her "friend" tells her she is funner to be around when she is not with me. Who would do that to someone who has been through so much, tell them to leave their H? This girl is divorced and needs a single girl to go to the bars with. I would start focusing on that as being the cause. Her divorced friend is rubbing off on her. It could just be a plain old case of her not feeling satisfied with you and feeling that she could be living it up more on her own or with another guy. Does she generally believe you're boring or that you don't take her out, or do new things, or keep the relationship alive? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost soulmate Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 I like to read about the people that have moved on it gives me hope. This is all just too fast for me. Two months ago I would have laughed at someone if they told me I'd be going through this. But on the other hand I'm walking away with my business untouched and we still own our old home so I'll have a roof over my head. It could be worse. I know you guys know what I'm going through. I don't know anyone who's experienced this at least the way it happened. No chance of reconciliation. I just hope it's not a phase and she comes back to me one day. I don't know what I would do. Don't know if I could get passed how she left. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost soulmate Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 M 30 USA she has said that things have gotten boring. We do things all the time. Every weekend we would do something. Always went out to eat somewhere new. The last year though that has slowed down because of her father and working on new house. She has told me that I don't like her work friends which is not true I just don't really know them yet. When we do go out with them we have a great time. I just don't like one "friend". I kind of think when I didn't accept her advances she might have twisted the story to my wife. I told my wife about it and she said "oh, that's just how she is". Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Something is amiss. I can't put my finger on it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Question. When her girlfriend started hitting on you, was your wife aware of it? Did she see it or was this a one on one with you and her friend? Reason for asking is, if your wife wasn't aware of it, her girlfriend might have twisted it around and made you the heel and said the you hit on her and because of that your wife did what she did. If not, then I would keep my eyes and ears open because her friend seems to have a lot of pull with her and I've seen it happen when one friend tells the other something negative about their BF/GF, H/W and for some reason it keeps replaying in their mind to when they start believing it and then with your mind so twisted about it, they add more to it and start to believe that it's all true. In other word, her friend filled her head with a ton of bull $h!t and the game begins. So it comes down to this, what are you going to do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost soulmate Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 M 30 USA That is what all our friends say too. When i tell them that are floored. They start to worry about their relationships thinking if we didn't make it look out. It makes me think there is another guy because she will not tell our friends what's going on. She will even lie to them. Some friends that know will call her and act like they dont. They will ask how I'mdoing and she tells them I'm doing good. She's leaving me to have to relive it every time i bump into somebody. I don't understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost soulmate Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Bubba I don't think there's much I can do. We have been to mediator already. I have tried but the more I try the more she pulls. I am doing 180 and it helps me. I feel my hand are tied. I want to be with her but if she doesn't feel the same it's out of my hands. I'm just trying to take the high road here. I hope that one day she realizes what she meant to me. As far as her "friend" I'm sure she will do this again in the future and ruin their friendship. As for me I feel I will be lost without her but if this is what makes her happy, I won't stand in the way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Then move on friend and I wish you the best. Sooner or later the truth always comes out and if she wakes up some morning and realizes that she made a mistake and wants another shot, IMO, you should make her earn her way back because what she did especially without a valid explanation to me is cruel. She should at least have given you a reason.That's unacceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost soulmate Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Car hill How are you doing these days. I need some good stories because i never thought i be out there looking again. I'm so far removed iwwouldn't know where to start. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost soulmate Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Thanks Bubba This is just so out of character for her. To answer your question about her "friend", she wouldalways say some inappropriate things to me in front of my wife. It was always taken as jokes. The night this happened, she was doing it in front of everyone and they were laughing about it but I still was telling her to get off me. I never wanted to put wife in an awkward situation I wouldn't want that done to me. But I went out to my car and on the way back in she caught me at the front door and was really trying to kiss me. She said my wife wouldn't care but I know my wife and she would care. I got her off of me and went back in. A little later she disappeared and they said she passed out. If my wife thinks I did try she wouldn't tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 (edited) This has got to be one of the weirdest separation situations I've heard on LS. I'm at a complete loss. 1) Your wife has no legitimate reason for separating--at least no stated reason. 2) This friend of hers is just an odd duck. What's even stranger is that your wife seems to have no problem with her advances to you. I disagree with the other poster who said her friend is turning it around and making you seem like one making advance. I just don't see that here. 3) Why is your wife "numb"? Typically people say that when they've been abused or have serious depression and mental problems. But you say you haven't abused her. When you say you yell at her, how bad is the yelling? Is it standard yelling like all couples have or is it really over the top? 4) I'm also surprised that you seem to already be preparing for single life and not even looking back. Even if most cases where a person is truly wronged, they typically don't move on fast. They look back and try their best and try to plead with their spouse. I guess this has been going on for some time and you've already had time to process it? Edited January 30, 2014 by M30USA 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost soulmate Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 It is weird to me too. First of all since last year we have had 5 deaths between both of our families. We are in our mid 30s death hasn't really been a factor in our lives before. Since her father's death in mid october, she has been stuffing it down and hasn't grieved properly in my opinion. I think that's where the numbness comes from. As far as me yelling at her, I dont. I just press her buttons so to speak trying to get a reaction. Her father was a marine, she grew up never being able to speak her mind to him. I think that she puts me in his shoes and doesn't tell me when she has a problem. I now her well and can see it in her actions. Like I said no one understands it that knows us. I wouldn't be on here if I did understand. This is the first time I've posted on a forum ever. I'm just trying to figure it out. I appreciate you guys taking time to help, but believe me I wouldn't waste my time or yours and lie about this this is my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost soulmate Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 I want her back more than anything. I have tried to plead and beg all with negative reponse. I have read just about every post on this site trying to figure it out. I have wrote her letters saying how i feel. I have offered to go to couseling. I have tried everything. I have also said it could be an affair she will not admit to it. I haven't followed or stalked her I'm just at a point now that i thought the 180 would start to help me heal i feel horrible about this. What am i left to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost soulmate Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Stated reason for leaving is she is unhappy no stayed reason for the unhappiness. As far as her odd duck friend she is like that with everybody. She's just that type of girl everyone has seen at a party being the good time girl. II'm sure if my wife knew she was serious, she wouldn't have been happy about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Feel glad that you found this forum so quickly. While I didn't have deaths in my family, my wife walked away back at the end of July. No affair, nothing. Looking back over researching, she is a full WAW that did not feel appreciated. There is always "the friend". It's either a man she is having an affair with, or in my case "the friend" at work who was going through a divorce themselves. They probably sit around all day and complain about how bad their lives are. Best advice I can give you is to back off. You will want to talk, beg, plead, sell, and manipulate your wife to give you an answer. You won't get an answer, and if you do, it's not the answer you want to hear. If you went a week without contacting her during the holidays, you are well ahead of most of the folks that post on this forum. The friend will eventually find a man or boyfriend, and your wife will be stuck being lonely. It sounds like in my opinion that she is extremely depressed, maybe bi-polar. She immediately needs to get some help, however that is only if she is willing to help herself. You can't do it for her. You will try, and we all do, but it's almost like they literally lose their mind. Your life will change. Get to a gym. Get to a counselor. Get to church. That is the advice I can give you. Work on yourself. You will struggle, but continue to post often and talk things out on this forum. Get busy. Find new hobbies. If you don't have kids, that is a tremendous advantage. Most of the men on this page are in your position, either WAW, GIGS, or an affair. Get ready, it's going to be a roller coaster, and the most confusing, frustrating, but at the same time one of the most growing part of your life. It sucks, but you will get through it. Live in the now, don't try to "fix" her........live in today. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost soulmate Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Thank you moving forward 2 I'm just trying to take it day by day. Reading these posts I've seen a lot of people that knew that there were problems and wouldn't accept it until it was too late. I might not want to hear the answer but i don't know if leaving for nobody is better than leaving for somebody. Some friends of ours went through the affair thing. Wife cheated on husband a couple of month ago. Me and my wife talked about their situation and i told her if you ever want to be with someone else just tell me and leave me, don't do it behind my back where everyone knows but me. She looked me right in the eyes and said I would never cheat on you and I would never leave you. Here we are. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Not to make a side tangent here, but whoever says that men cheat more often is full of crap. Link to post Share on other sites
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