Signing divorce papers tomorrow. ..

[Chi townD]

Dude, sorry but I'm thinking affair and the ONLY thing that set my spidey senses off to it was her divorced friend hitting on you.

 

What friend would hit on another friends husband and not worry about losing her friendship? Because your wife wouldn't care because she's already hooking up with someone else. Your wife's attention is elsewhere. Her friend probably thought since she's having fun with someone else, why not have some fun of her own!

[Lost soulmate]

I believe you are dead on.

[carhill]

Car hill

How are you doing these days. I need some good stories because i never thought i be out there looking again. I'm so far removed iwwouldn't know where to start.

I'm 3.5 years post-D and done with women for the time being. Life is good. Very peaceful. Slowly rebuilding and should be able to retire about five years late due to the divorce settlement. As a younger guy, no such issues for you. Plenty of time to rebuild. Life goes on. I'm reminded of that every day as friends get sick and/or die around me. It's short. Make it count.

[Lost soulmate]

That is where i made out. I kind of figured an affair is what it was. At mediation, I gave her the sense of knowing without saying it. I think guilt set in because my business went untouched and I also got our old home. It is paid off free and clear.I also received paid off vehicles. She will have $120,000 in debt and I will have none. Thank the Lord for karma. The signing was moved to Saturday at 11:00am. I don't want to move on without her but I could be in a much worse position.

[Chi townD]

That is where i made out. I kind of figured an affair is what it was. At mediation, I gave her the sense of knowing without saying it. I think guilt set in because my business went untouched and I also got our old home. It is paid off free and clear.I also received paid off vehicles. She will have $120,000 in debt and I will have none. Thank the Lord for karma. The signing was moved to Saturday at 11:00am. I don't want to move on without her but I could be in a much worse position.

 

Yep! I agree! That's a sweet deal, TOO sweet actually. If there's another man, she's probably under the delusion that her and new man will get married and live happily ever after and he'll take care of all her needs. The only thing holding that up is a loose end. And that loose end is you. So, she'll agree to anything to make this go away.

 

So, strike while the iron is hot! Personally, if there is another dude, if he discovers that she's bring 120,000 debt to the table, I wouldn't be so quick to jump on that bandwagon.

 

How did you imply that you know about an affair without implying it?

[No Limit]

Affair, absolutely. If she doesn't have it right now, she did in the past and her friend is using her insecurities to encourage her divorce. Maybe even just to feel better herself, two oh so independent women hanging out at a bar and hitting on all sorts of guys... sounds like a bad novel to me which just doesn't fit into reality.

 

I think your STBX is running herself into the mud.

But hey, heads up. Just because she somehow lost herself doesn't mean that a future love will too. Good luck.

[M30USA]

Dude, sorry but I'm thinking affair and the ONLY thing that set my spidey senses off to it was her divorced friend hitting on you.

 

What friend would hit on another friends husband and not worry about losing her friendship? Because your wife wouldn't care because she's already hooking up with someone else. Your wife's attention is elsewhere. Her friend probably thought since she's having fun with someone else, why not have some fun of her own!

 

Oh, precisely. Which is why she probably WANTS you to have affair with her friend--so she can feel justified with less guilt because you would be doing it too.

[Lost soulmate]

When we talked at mediation. She tried to make an agreement that if she could not get financing for the new house, we would sell both homes and split the money. I asked her why should I have to pay the consequences for her actions. I have tried everything to avoid this asking for counseling and I didn't want it to end. I figured if she wanted out bad enough that she would give me what I wanted. I stuck to my guns about it. The mediator was obviously on her side which I didn't understand. When we talked about my businessthe mediator stopped me and told me it was half hers. I then said I'm granting her a no contest divorce because that is what she wants, not me. I could easily contest it and drag it out. I don't know if an affair was going on but I had seen her facebook page and saw a lot of guys blowing smoke. Honestly I don't know when she would have time for an affair but reading some of these post I have found they make time. I don't know about it getting to the point of moving in with somebody over some facebook chats. I have checked phone records and it was all the usual numbers. Who knows. I'd like to think it was an affair, it helps me to get over her although I don't know if I ever will. I do know this "friend" of hers is desperately looking for a place to live so that might be the plan. I know if it is it will be short lived. This girl has kids and years ago her sister lived with us with her kids and she was miserable. Feeling outnumbered in her own house. I count my blessings for what I will get and hope the future holds something better for me. For her not so much.

[Lost soulmate]

Chi town

When she first came to me with this, telling me she couldn't do this anymore, the first thing I asked her is "who is he?" She told me it wasn't anybody and gave me the I don't know who I am anymore speech. I let it go from there. Then when we did try to reconcile, I asked why would you end it without ever telling me you had a problem? She told me she never thought about leaving until after her father passed away. She said she didn't want to look back and feel like she missed out on parts of her life. I told her when i talk to people about it, they tell me to move on, she has found someone else. She seemed to wonder why would they think that. She said she's not leaving me for someone else she is doing it for her. I forgot to mention she had just read the book "Eat, Prey, Love". On a side note if you are married and reading this and your wife is reading that book, throw it in the trash immediately. I think it got to her though that people would think that about her. It could have been someone at work she was having an E.A. With that she wanted to take to the next level. I don't know. But it as definitely in her head that is what I thought. I also brought up how I had put her through school and now she has a career that will get her through life. I said when I paid for school I was investing in our future not her future. I think she knew I did a lot for her and even with her "friend" or anybody else I never cheated on her. I think also, she sees what I did for her family while her father was dying. I'm sure guilt set in and that's why I got what I wanted.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I do not have any special insight, but I get the feeling that she is projecting feelings with the loss of her father on to you. Many times these are mixed with feelings of guilt and hatred at the same time. The disconnect that she has felt over the last year, from you working, her working, taking care of sick parents all wrapped with abandonment from father, abandonment from you. Part is real and part is perception, but real to her none the less.

 

Her friend is her release, a recapture of her youth. Is she more fun to her friend when you are not around? Heck yes, she is free to be her single wing man and not your wife. What she will find out is that she is not truly a friend but a self-centered individual that only has her best interest at heart. However, your wife is a grown woman and makes her own decisions in life, so regardless of the reasons, she has chosen this path. Additionally, she has refused to seek help, because she does not see the error of her way.

 

I kind of get the impression that your wife may have been a little self centered herself and attention seeking, but I could be wrong. Either way it really doesn't help you much in the long run. Divorce is really the easy part, the emotions involved are the hard part. You are going to go through a roller coaster of emotions before it is truly finished. Take time to mend before you get back into another relationship. This is the end of one chapter of your life, but the good news is, there is a brave new world out there.

[Lost soulmate]

Oberfeldwebel

I think you might have some special insight. She always has craved attention. And as far as her friend, she is very celf centered. Your comments made me feel like you have experienced something similar. Your right though divorce is ease, almost too easy. There should be some kind of mandatory counseling, at least one session. I hope one day she will seek grief counseling. We signed divorce papers today, so its just a matter of time before we move on. I am in an emotional rollercoaster, I usually do good until I see her or talk to her. To anyone reading it does get better with time. Get through the firsts of everything without them. Find yourself again. The best thing for me is regaining old friendships. Remember the person you were before them and that you had a life before them.

[Trep]

You sound like you're handling this amazing well. good job

 

I'm in agreement with pretty much everyone else, sounds like she may have been having an affair or she's going through GIGS. Either way, don't be suprised if she comes crawling back in the future when she realises just how bad she screwed up.

[Lost soulmate]

As far as me doing amazingly well, finacially yes. Emotionally no. If this had to happen it was the best way that it could. You can never get real feelings out when you write about it. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. If you had seen me before this and now you would see how it has affected me. I am just now starting to eat and sleep again. My focus on other things is coming back. I do miss her so much. Never did I expect to wake up in the morning or go to bed at night without her there. All I can do now is worry about myself and my future. Reading the posts on this site and even posting myself has helped tremendously. I never really had an output for my emotions. Over the years I have alienated some of my best friends and didnt realize it. Thank you to all that have taken the time to reply. I will continue to give updates of my progress and hope to help others in this situation.

[Tripz]

Lost Soulmate, I feel your pain. Going through a very similar thing right at the moment, myself. Filed and signed papers Jan 28th and still can't believe this is all started on Dec 4th. I keep wondering how long my wife would have "played the part" were it not for my finally deciding that she's unhappy, I'm unhappy, so I wrote her a letter and gave it to her. We "talked" for the first time in I don't know how long. All of our previous conversations, I've come to realize, were more like roommates, than spouses that have 23years married. She said that our journey together has ended. I have asked about 6 -7 times, can any amount of counseling or going to see a pastor or simply us both just getting on our knees before God salvage this???? She has, every time, said no, "We are done". It's killed me inside. But, since Dec 4th, I have discovered an entire whole other life she has been living. Short version, of a rather long story of multiple discoveries...She's having an affair with a very good friend of mine. Someone, that I have done an awful lot for over the past few years, including hiring him and keeping him hired through 4 or 5 very bad alcoholic binges. So, I feel like I've been stabbed in the back twice. Once from her and once from him.

 

Anyway, this isn't about my story, but that I would seriously consider the chances that your wife IS having an affair...Or wants to start one. There are two words I'd have always thought would describe my wife: Loyal and Honest. I'd have fought with people defending her on those two accords, yet, here I am, having been lied to for months, if not years AND she's cheating on me. I do need to mention that this affair is NOT the reason for our pending divorce, but IS a manifestation of a serious breakdown in communications that started many many years ago. We just were too naive or proud to admit we both could not "fix" our marriage on our own. We should have gone and sought professional help before it was too late. Now, it is too late.

 

This has been the single most horrific thing I have ever gone through, my entire life. I've never in my entire life, ever felt like there was nothing I couldn't save or fix, yet this is impossibly broken. And, it's the single most important thing in my life, save for my son. He's doing well with all of this, in case anyone wondered. He's 14 and a tough kid.

 

Lost Soulmate, again...I very much feel your pain. I wonder on my best days when and if I'll ever be whole again.

[Lost soulmate]

Tripz, this has been very hard. It is very hard. Today she wouldnt leave me alone. She neede me to sign some paperwork and I asked her to leave it somewhere and I would go and sign it. She agreed but after that she was hounding me on other stuff that really didnt matter. I though that she would get the hint that I did not want to see her. I believe she is done but for some reason still trying to get attention from me. This was all through texting so I would make her wait a while for my responses. I think deep down she wants me to continue to try. I refuse to and it eats at her. Maybe one day she will realize but by then it will be too late. As much as I lover her I couldnt imagine going through this again. Every time she makes contact it sets me back. I am glad there is a place to vent because sometimes I think about calling her. An affair, gigs, whatever it is, it is enough for me to know I can not go back. Some on this site may think if I dont continually try, I didnt really love her enough. I know I feel so lost and I am the type that has to have a plan always. Not knowing what the future holds is torture for someone like me. Maybe it will make me stronger. Who knows

[RuralGuy]

She's having an affair with a very good friend of mine.

 

 

You've lost your wife and a friend. (Not that he was a 'very good' friend, if he was having sex with your wife...)

[Movingforward2]

Tripz, this has been very hard. It is very hard. Today she wouldnt leave me alone. She neede me to sign some paperwork and I asked her to leave it somewhere and I would go and sign it. She agreed but after that she was hounding me on other stuff that really didnt matter. I though that she would get the hint that I did not want to see her. I believe she is done but for some reason still trying to get attention from me. This was all through texting so I would make her wait a while for my responses. I think deep down she wants me to continue to try. I refuse to and it eats at her. Maybe one day she will realize but by then it will be too late. As much as I lover her I couldnt imagine going through this again. Every time she makes contact it sets me back. I am glad there is a place to vent because sometimes I think about calling her. An affair, gigs, whatever it is, it is enough for me to know I can not go back. Some on this site may think if I dont continually try, I didnt really love her enough. I know I feel so lost and I am the type that has to have a plan always. Not knowing what the future holds is torture for someone like me. Maybe it will make me stronger. Who knows

 

It is that torture. The 1st several weeks is absolute hell and chaos. You will never get the answer you are looking for. My wife dropped the hammer on me on July 24th (our anniversary is the 23rd), and it does get easier, but it never leaves your mind. I got the divorce over very quickly (no mediation, no court) so I could move forward quicker, but the emotional divorce is the hardest. I have 2 daughters, both of which are very confused about the situation, and that adds to the heartache.

 

Keep hanging in there and posting. We are all in the same boat. XW lose their mind, we should have saw it earlier, they have an affair, GIGS, or WAW....just completely destroy everything you have worked so hard for. I had to text my wife last night, then call her about some arrangements for our daughter. Only to get cussed out (which I no longer raise my voice toward her) and told repeatedly "I'm" the reason we are in this situation. It will get old real quick. You start finding yourself thinking "why in the hell do I put up with this".....but you are still in somewhat blinded that this is really happening, and you want to "save it". You'll mess up, but keep going.

[Scott Thomas]

She pushed for the divorce? Well it's her loss, not yours. You'll recover and move on, hopefully quickly.

This is going to be a but hard in the beginning, especially if she decides to 'come back' at some future time. Trust me, it'll get better in a few months.

Focus on yourself. Pick a hobby, take a trip or do anything that you couldn't find the time to do before. Make the most of your life; there are three billion women out there, many of whom would love to spend some time with you. The Ex? Well, she's history now. Turn the page and start a better life.

 

Good Luck!

[harrybrown]

Did you get to keep your house and your business in the divorce?

 

I am sorry that you are going thru this rotten experience.

 

The 180 is your best friend right now. You do not have children with her and you do not want to go thru this pain again. Do not call her, or respond to her texts.

 

Be sure to change your locks. She was spending you joint money on something with all of the expenses that seem to be for an affair.

 

I hope you can find something to do positive for you. Exercise helps me.

 

I do not know your interests, but do something that you like to do.

[Lost soulmate]

Thank you all so much in taking the time to post . This site has helped me tremendously. We do not know each other but in a strange way we are bonded. It helps to see others that have gone through the same thing although I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I wish I could do a total 180, but until we get this squared away I have to keep LC. What bothers me the most is she will not take a hint. I think she doesn't want to continue but still wants my attention. I refuse to fight for her because in the end, if she feels this way, getting her to stay will lead to much worse consequences. Our friends all tell me give her time to figure it out she will realize she made a mistake but I know I can never go back. I force myself to think of all the things that annoy me or things I did not like. In my mind im trying to rewrite history as she is doing. Let me tell you it helps. Even the texting over and over reminds me of how she has to have attentiin and it makes me have ill feelings towards her. To harrybrown: we owned a house previously and kept it to keep my business at. That is where I will live when this is done. I thank the lord to still have a roof over my head, a job, and some really great friends. If anybody is going through this, try to confide in single friends if you have some. The married friends that I have talked to start to question their relationships. As I'm typing this, another text coming from her.......ugh.