wasntlooking Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I started this thread to discuss further my feelings on my post A and how to cope with the rollercoaster ride of letting go. Hope we csn help each other through this ride. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Learningtoletgo Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Hi! You could have posted this thread at a better time; in fact, I feel like it may be a sign for me. It has been over 5 month NC, and today I got an email from him. I have not replied. I feel like this is my test...after all of the work I have done to try to FINALLY do the right thing. But even after everything I've been through, I feel a little weak. It's the sex and passion that I miss the most. But I'm not going to reply.... I have not had a chance to read your threads and posts yet, but I will. I know that u said we have similar circumstances. I am here to help!!!!! It feels so good to know I'm not the only one on this ride. I do hope we both have the strength to make sure we stay off for good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Oh boy, stay strong......i think about what i would do in the same circumstance and boy would i love to hear from him but youve done so much work to get where you are, i know it, dont throw it away. It will never be the ending you want. I know its so tempting but it will only feel good for awhile and youll be back where you were....stay strong, you got this!!! Im going to post a brief bit of my story Link to post Share on other sites
BruisedBNBroken Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I'm joining too if that's ok! 3 months post A and 2.5 months hardcore NC here. Thought I would be way further along at this point but sadly I'm not. I miss the sex and the passion. So, so much. I don't miss the anxiety, guilt, desperation, depression, and crazy roller coaster of emotions. He has tried to contact me a handful of times with stupid one line emails about nothing (I can't block work email.) It's so tempting to reply, and sets me back each time. But I just can't go back there. I won't go back there. So I delete and move on. Stay strong ladies, you are all doing great! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Scotia Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Ahh.. I'm in too. The affair itself has been over for months, but we're just now going NC. To be honest, it's not going well. He's multiple states away, so no chance we'll run into each other (I know, I know, it's for the best). I'm having a hard time moving on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 I met MM on a game online. Thought id start to take some downtime for myself so i started playing games online......little did i know it would change my whole life. It started off as friends, both stated we were married. Had no intentions of going anywhere until one day he crossdd the line with a comment about one of my pictures. We talked for about two months until i had the opportunity to meet him while on a trip near his hometown. We met twice and ended up having sex. We sexted for those whole two months but even before we really got nto it, i was ridiculously attracted to him and vice versa...crazy i know, we nevef met. But we had such a sexual attraction it was unreal......never felt so crazy like that before. Gosh i feel like crying lol.......i fnished my trip and when i got home we talked and he said how much he enjoyed meeting me. A day after that i sent him an email to say goodbye. It hit me like a brick wall when i got home. I was totslly falling for this guy and couldnt live with the fact we were so far apart and neither one would leave our families. I told him in the email how i was fslling for him and couldnt torture myself anymore.....and that he was a good person and father and that if we would havd met sooner it would havd been better.......he got the email i know because he resigned the game but i never heard back from him. I know i did the right thing but sure was the hardest thing to do. I want him more and more everyday. Its been four months NC from that day. I wonder what he thinks. Part of it is my ego wanted to know....its just hard not to knkw what he thinks.......i always initiated contact becsuse he was afrwid of me getting in trouble so him not responding i guess goes along with it all. He did say that he wished we met earlier and that i was perfect but all that could have been garbage. I mean we met at his house so he trusted me enough to have his address too. I dont know, its all irrelevant now. All i know is thwt i miss him dearly, want to move on, have good days and bad, want to know what he thinks....and know he is ok. I changed my email so he cant cojtact me if he tried 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Ah im so glad we all are here!!!!! Now we can support our urges to contact our x. Its so hard. Mine too is from another state, he said he was going to bring his family up here this year while we were together but who knows if ill ever know if he does. Distance is good in these situations YES but sometimes not for the heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Learningtoletgo Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Wasn't looking,Please post your story. I would love to hear it! Thank you for the support ladies!!!! It is so true when they say they almost always come back, so I guess we all need to prepare for it. Bruised and Broken, I admire your strength in not replying!!!!! Mine was also a work email, the only way he could really get in touch with me. And yes, it's so crazy how an email can set you back!!!! There were times during beginning of NC that I thought how I wish he would reach out, especially because we ended so abruptly, but now I'm mad that he's trying to get in touch! I don't want to have it unravel all the work that I have done. Wasntlooking, I know that a part if u wants to hear from your mm, but consider his silence a blessing in disguise! B&B, I also miss the sex and passion so much. One of the hardest things for me to cope with is that I feel like I will never have that again. I know the intensity between him and I when it came to the sex was mostly because it was an affair, so everything was more exciting, intense, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept that I will never feel that way again. It's so hard. Anyway Ladies, I'm happy this thread has started and we can all supper each other through NC; I feel stronger already!!!!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 I admire all of your strength all of you. We are all doing the right thing after doing something wrong. Its such a hard road and if i knew that, i would have never done it. Way too hard to deal with. I havent yet told my H. It would break his heart. I know its not fair of me but im trying to make it up to him. We were having problems before and during my A. But he is really trying hard to make it better and me too. Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoaster Rider Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I started this thread to discuss further my feelings on my post A and how to cope with the rollercoaster ride of letting go. Hope we csn help each other through this ride. I want to share :-) Day #47... feel a little bit better, but not much. I wake up every morning hoping today will be the day it all goes away..LOL!! If it were only that easy!! I haven't heard a word from him. Do I wish he would call?? Yes I do, although it would do me no good. I had 2 restricted phone calls on Friday, which immediately led me to think it was him, set me back a little bit because, I did not answer!! I see my therapist weekly to work through and try to process my emotions. Somedays I'm really good, and the next day I'm really down. Bad urges for revenge...then switch to how good things felt...then back to feeling the loss. It almost feels like the rollercoaster while I was in the affair, but without him! Crazy it has to be this hard. But...I'm still keeping NC even though he kindly said I could call him if I needed to talk...NOPE!! Me calling him would be even more pathetic then I already feel! Stay strong ladies :-) It's hard as Hell..but nice to be able to have people in similar situations too talk to. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoaster Rider Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I admire all of your strength all of you. We are all doing the right thing after doing something wrong. Its such a hard road and if i knew that, i would have never done it. Way too hard to deal with. I havent yet told my H. It would break his heart. I know its not fair of me but im trying to make it up to him. We were having problems before and during my A. But he is really trying hard to make it better and me too. Are you going to tell your husband?? I haven't told mine either. I don't think I can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 I dont know if i ever will tell. It would literally crush him and i already feel horrible enough. I made a mistake that i will never do again because of what im going through now. Its way too hard. For the recovery to be this long is just something i never thought about. I too wake up and think maybe today will be the day it goes away but it doesnt. Im so glad youre in therapy. I was thinking of that for myself. My self esteem took a huge blow with all this i think it will help 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Learningtoletgo Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Wasn't looking, I just read your story. You were so strong in ending it, and in that respect, our stories are similar. I walked away from my mm because I also felt like I was falling for him. He also felt the same way, so in a way, our nc was mutual. It was so hard to do, but I knew it was the right thing to do, because, like you, I also have a family. I know how hard it is... I do envy the fact that your mm is out of state. Believe me, I cannot tell you the fear and anxiety iI have had because we live so close to each other. As for the attraction, we also have that in common. The sex with my mm was unreal. Everything I ever wanted. For me, that's the hardest part to let go. We worked very hard at controlling the emotional part of our affair, but the physical was uncontrollable. What I have done the past 5 months is to stop replaying those moments in my my mind . I keep reminding myself that it was all a fantasy, and a fantasy is not worth hurting innocent people. I know, it's so easy to say.... Lastly, I do a agree with a recent poster that when a man follows NC it means that they are respecting you. I know it's hard, but I wouldn't beat yourself up thinking that what he said was garbage and worrying about what he thinks. I'm the same way, and what I have found is that I tend to exaggerate everything in my head. He probably felt similar to how you felt about him, and like you, he knew it could be dangerous if it continued. I admire your strength!!!!! You will get through this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Learningtoletgo Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I am also in therapy and have been for the past year due to the affair. It has helped a lot. Like you ladies, I have not told my SO (not married, but been with him for over 10 years). This is something I wrestle with on a daily basis. The guilt really eats me up sometimes. Some days I want to blurt it, but I am too afraid. I'm not just worried about his reaction, but what it will do to my daughter. Guess I should have thought of her and the consequences before I got into this mess!!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 I am thankful that i dont live near him. It must be hard for you to think you could run into him anyday. Im sorry for that but you are double strong then to be staying NC! Great job. I really wish i didnt care whkat he felt. I do think he felt like it is for the best because the passion was so high it would have ended badly. I mean neither one of us were caught. But i dont know for sure what he thinks since he didnt respond and wish i didnt caree Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoaster Rider Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I dont know if i ever will tell. It would literally crush him and i already feel horrible enough. I made a mistake that i will never do again because of what im going through now. Its way too hard. For the recovery to be this long is just something i never thought about. I too wake up and think maybe today will be the day it goes away but it doesnt. Im so glad youre in therapy. I was thinking of that for myself. My self esteem took a huge blow with all this i think it will help It is helping..you just have to find the right fit for you. Mine has really helped me process and helps me focus on myself vs him. I look forward to going because she helps me rationalize my thinking :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 I met MM on a game online. Thought id start to take some downtime for myself so i started playing games online......little did i know it would change my whole life. It started off as friends, both stated we were married. Had no intentions of going anywhere until one day he crossdd the line with a comment about one of my pictures. We talked for about two months until i had the opportunity to meet him while on a trip near his hometown. We met twice and ended up having sex. We sexted for those whole two months but even before we really got nto it, i was ridiculously attracted to him and vice versa...crazy i know, we nevef met. But we had such a sexual attraction it was unreal......never felt so crazy like that before. Gosh i feel like crying lol.......i fnished my trip and when i got home we talked and he said how much he enjoyed meeting me. A day after that i sent him an email to say goodbye. It hit me like a brick wall when i got home. I was totslly falling for this guy and couldnt live with the fact we were so far apart and neither one would leave our families. I told him in the email how i was fslling for him and couldnt torture myself anymore.....and that he was a good person and father and that if we would havd met sooner it would havd been better.......he got the email i know because he resigned the game but i never heard back from him. I know i did the right thing but sure was the hardest thing to do. I want him more and more everyday. Its been four months NC from that day. I wonder what he thinks. Part of it is my ego wanted to know....its just hard not to knkw what he thinks.......i always initiated contact becsuse he was afrwid of me getting in trouble so him not responding i guess goes along with it all. He did say that he wished we met earlier and that i was perfect but all that could have been garbage. I mean we met at his house so he trusted me enough to have his address too. I dont know, its all irrelevant now. All i know is thwt i miss him dearly, want to move on, have good days and bad, want to know what he thinks....and know he is ok. I changed my email so he cant cojtact me if he tried Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Not sure why my replies are posting twice, sorry, having problems with my phone. Thanks for the advice about therapy. I havent told a single soul except on here. Not enough courage to yet. Have been going through a lot with my husband on issues in our marriage so trying to give 100%. Does your SO know you are in therapy? What does he think its about? This may sound horrible but my husbanx actually has been benefitting from my A because my sex drive is through the roof now. I still feel guilt because i know the only reason why it is is because of my A. Im so confused 8( Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Im having a tough day today, i want to msg him so bad but i know theres a high chance he wont answer anyways. Help! I hate days like today when i miss him so much. Sometimes i yhink we can just talk like friends.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Just a quick question, how is your sex drive increasing by having sex with TWO men one Not being your H? Oh and another question, you ARE using protection with the MM right? To protect yourself AND Your H.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Im not with MM anymore, i broke it off four months ago, we only had sex once Link to post Share on other sites
Author wasntlooking Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Any of the ladies that have been through this ever felt like you were finally starting to forget about him and then in a way your mind brings it all back so you dont forget. Im scared to let go i think because it was such a good memory at times. I knkw its my mind playing tricks on me. I want to forget but in a way you dont. Im my own worst enemy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Ah, some similarly-situated LS peeps ... in no contact, maintaining no contact but still finding it difficult at times. xMOW here. While it has definitely gotten easier, I also experience setbacks even after 5 mos NC and 7 since the A was over. I don't even know what prompts the setbacks. They are double sided though -- both missing a friend and feeling terrible guilt. It was such a huge black mark on my life of otherwise being a good daughter, student, friend, wife, mother, doctor, etc. Maybe that's why I can't let it go. We were friendly for nearly a decade before it turned into an EA, then a "light" PA (no sex). But the chemistry was amazing (and I was a chemistry major!) and the friendship, meaningful. I miss both, but mostly the friendship. I see so many other posters with similar laments so lesson learned is: If you have a great friend of the opposite sex and don't want to lose him/her, introduce that friend to your spouse /SO and don't ever cross the line. You will lose that friend forever and have no one but yourself to blame. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BruisedBNBroken Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Ladies that are still married or with their S/O, I just wanted to offer a perspective based on my experience. I left my husband in October when the affair was still semi going on (one of our many broken no contact lather rinse and repeat cycles.) I didn't tell him as I knew the marriage was over for me and I didn't want to hurt him any more that necessary but I wanted to give him a chance to be free and find someone to be happy with. Anyway, it was only then that I really, really could start to process all my emotions both for my H and for my xAP. I started to really focus on things and also really focus on what it was I saw in xAP to begin with. And what I saw was a way out. Not that I left my H for my xAP as I didn't, wouldn't and could never be with xAP in the real world. But I slowly started to realize that I was over romantized the A because I was in such deep need for affection and attention. Now that I am grieving both losses, I am getting a little clearer each day. It's hard and it sucks but I hope to come out the other side with strength and clarity. So I pose this question to the ladies still in marriages and keeping the A a secret, if letting go of your affair partner is made that much more difficult because you're forcing your focus on a fantasy, instead of the role issues in your marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
littlemermaid Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Ah, some similarly-situated LS peeps ... in no contact, maintaining no contact but still finding it difficult at times. xMOW here. While it has definitely gotten easier, I also experience setbacks even after 5 mos NC and 7 since the A was over. I don't even know what prompts the setbacks. They are double sided though -- both missing a friend and feeling terrible guilt. It was such a huge black mark on my life of otherwise being a good daughter, student, friend, wife, mother, doctor, etc. Maybe that's why I can't let it go. We were friendly for nearly a decade before it turned into an EA, then a "light" PA (no sex). But the chemistry was amazing (and I was a chemistry major!) and the friendship, meaningful. I miss both, but mostly the friendship. I see so many other posters with similar laments so lesson learned is: If you have a great friend of the opposite sex and don't want to lose him/her, introduce that friend to your spouse /SO and don't ever cross the line. You will lose that friend forever and have no one but yourself to blame. I have been thinking that same thing all day today. I miss my friend. I wish so much I could go back to the day before this happened and stop it from happening. I miss my friend so much. Link to post Share on other sites
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