learningtoletgo this thread

[whichwayisup]

Some days i feel like i have nothng to lose by contactng him and asking him what it all meant. I wish he closed the door for me instead of leavng it open by saying nothing and making me guess. If i was used, i just want to hear it ya know?

 

How do you know the door is open? Did he actually say the door is open?

 

Maybe his silence was his answer. That can say much more than words sometimes.

I cant rule out that i may reach out to say what the heck was wrong with him with no response lol.

 

Self pride..Don't do it. Do not reach out. Make yourself a promise and hold yourself accountable, do not cave and email him. It's pointless and you'll regret it.

[herself]

You deserved a detailed reply. That was cold and its hard to say why he chose to end that way.

Im so sorry. You sure he deserves a chance to clear the air?

Also did you read the response in a thread recently where a woman said her xmm contacted her down the road just to assure her he was hurting to and did think of her often when he was out etc.

I lost that thread & wish I had replied & asked questions etc. but I found it somewhat comforting.

[Popsicle]

You will never know if he really wants you unless he reaches out to you first. Reaching out to him first will not answer that question. As hard as it is, if he doesn't reach out to you you're just going to have to accept that. Remember if a man really wants you he will come and get you.

[Popsicle]

You deserved a detailed reply. That was cold and its hard to say why he chose to end that way.

Im so sorry. You sure he deserves a chance to clear the air?

Also did you read the response in a thread recently where a woman said her xmm contacted her down the road just to assure her he was hurting to and did think of her often when he was out etc.

I lost that thread & wish I had replied & asked questions etc. but I found it somewhat comforting.

 

It's true. More than likely he is hurting but he probably knows that him hurting still doesn't mean anything can come of the A. He probably knows it's best to try to forget and move on with life.

Edited February 12, 2014 by Popsicle

[herself]

Which way is up please read my reply to you under my 40 days Nc thread. Sigh.

 

Popsicle, that's the trouble, no one wants to be forgotten especially when there was such a true deep bond, its too difficult to imagine, like severing an arm.

Geez...its like....you are no longer valid...never mind all the times he (they) said I love you, miss you, need you, couldnt see life without you...then Bam.

I guess they can see life without you.

I mean WOW, then people say move on? For the best?

Ok, often maybe its true but is there no in between like for us especially having had that long of a friendship, to graduate to NOTHING? Like?

[Popsicle]

Which way is up please read my reply to you under my 40 days Nc thread. Sigh.

 

Popsicle, that's the trouble, no one wants to be forgotten especially when there was such a true deep bond, its too difficult to imagine, like severing an arm.

Geez...its like....you are no longer valid...never mind all the times he (they) said I love you, miss you, need you, couldnt see life without you...then Bam.

I guess they can see life without you.

I mean WOW, then people say move on? For the best?

Ok, often maybe its true but is there no in between like for us especially having had that long of a friendship, to graduate to NOTHING? Like?

 

It's not true that he doesn't feel anything anymore. My point was that the feelings are still there for him and He is feeling the same way you are but what really can come of it especially considering that there is such high risk involved if you continue.

[wasntlooking]

I hate to dwell on this.........my XMM was always a pretty reserved person unless we were chatting sexually......i always initiated contact because he didnt want to catch me at the wrong time so i guess him not responding is part of his character.....he was always more on thd quiet sidd. He doesnt have any social media accounts either, pretty private person. But we both wefe mutually in this mess and i probably deserved a reply back. Oh well. I guess i dont want him to see me sweating........

[Popsicle]

I hate to dwell on this.........my XMM was always a pretty reserved person unless we were chatting sexually......i always initiated contact because he didnt want to catch me at the wrong time so i guess him not responding is part of his character.....he was always more on thd quiet sidd. He doesnt have any social media accounts either, pretty private person. But we both wefe mutually in this mess and i probably deserved a reply back. Oh well. I guess i dont want him to see me sweating........

 

Mine was the same way except he did have social media. Try to imagine it from his side...he was probably very hurt that you dumped him but how would it look for a married man to be begging another woman (who is also married) to stay? This is probably what keeps him from reaching out. Consider it a sure sign that he knows he can't be with you the right way.

[XenoMouse]

i agree that NC is super difficult. I struggle with the fact that someone who was so close at one point suddenly is gone and the feeling is horrible. From a guys point of view i can tell you that yes he does miss you and you are in his thoughts and if you really want the guys point of view your still in his thoughts especially sexually. I dont know if thats what you want to hear but thats what we tend to remember and enjoy the most, not to say that we dont value the love and connection at all. As a guy put into NC, even tho my xAP was a little out there, it does hurt incredibly and make me wonder how you are able to ignore us or turn your back and disappear from something that we both enjoyed.

 

Thats the thing with men and why mostly what i see from this forum is women going NC, cause as guys as long as there are good times, forget what emotional destruction is going on, we'll ride it till the rails fall off. As long as the perks are there, like the intense feelings of a rendezvous, the amazing sex, or the deep affair love and bond...we will either not be overly cognizant of how we are being affected and where we are going emotionally in the long run, or we just dont care, as long as we meet up and have our fun. That being said...when its over, at least in my case, we are thrust into an emotional no mans land that we didnt plan for or see on the horizon because we were just too busy wingin' it and having a good time...so thats where a lot of the hurt, difficulty, and struggle come from. Which is why some of the MMs keep trying to get pull you back in.

 

However, if you end it and go NC we arent going to get back in touch either because of dignity or because we'll assume that your in a hyper emotional state...and if your in a hyper emotional state chances are we kno we aren't going to get what we want ie; you to "just drop it" so we can go back to having our fun or being friends. Therefore, if you break up in a super emotional way...like an email brimming with emotions..we are going to assume that theres no way to speak to that "fun" person again or that super friend that convo flowed so effortlessly with because you have let us kno that the situation has really put the whammy on you in a big way. Thats why wanstlooking your guy just said "its ok" because he saw that and was trying to console you.

[herself]

Xeno, he WAS the one who said guilt guilt guilt but kept wavering back & hanging on to friend card & i said enough....so any chance in your opinion of his friendship?

[herself]

In other words,I wasn't as good natured as wasnt looking..,I wanted to continue, he was asking to be platonic. I felt risk of hurting anyone was low, and we were happy, but I could not only be a friend overnite. Cutting him out was my only option but damn, this is throwing away a lifetime & now i second guess after closing in on a few months, maybe we can be LC and salvage a tiny bit. IDK....man! Hurts. And if he IS hurting to...then whats the sense in us botj being miserable. Lets just love our spouses to death like we do, and have our friendship on the side. Seems logical. Am I crazy?

[wasntlooking]

Herself

I wasnt friends with my XMM for long before our A so i dont have much experience with that but i can sure empathsize with you. I was lucky i caught onto my feelings early and stopped it when i did or it would havd been a total train wreck but i cant imagine it being worse than this but anyways.....ill tell you what ive been tellng myself, well trying to at least, as far as he kows youre doing great. Im sure he misses you a lot. But he knows its wrong too. I think some guys have a problem expressing that they know its wrong because they are enjoying themselves so much. I would wait longer in your case to see where you stand in some time. Im in a better place now then i was at your time frame now. Its so super hard i know. With time it will fade, i just hope it fades faster for you than me. And to lose such a good friend has to hurt too. But like i said, with time im sure it might change. Give it time.

[wasntlooking]

XenoMouse

Ok so your reply made me shed some tears but good tears. I know its over, no doubt i dont want to go there again but i guess im just lookng for closure. Your words , some hard to hear, help alot, thank you. I dont think i came across to him as an emotional wreck i thought i was pretty grown up breaking it off. I hopd that he understands why i did it and it was for both of our own good. I do agree with you saying that you guys will ride it as far as it will go most of the timd. I do believe he was having too much fun to stop anytime soon but as soon as my emotions took ove, i knew i was done.......thanks for your reply .

[wasntlooking]

And i have to add, ive kept this whole situation a secret to everyone but people on here. Tomorrow i am having lunch with a good friend who is going through something similiar and i plan on tslking about my situation. I do think that by telling a real live friend it will hold me more accountable. I trust her. I need to get it out. If i cant hold myself accoutable maybe she can:(

[Owl]

Very true. Actually, my guess is exposing the A would keep the issue MORE on one's mind as it would become the primary focus of your M, at least for a very long while.

 

Disagree.

 

Telling your H the truth would change the focus onto saving your marriage...you'd suddenly see your husband, your marriage, your affair partner, and your affair all in a much different light.

 

We've seen it time and again on the infidelity board. No idea that they'd take it that bad, amazed that their H (or W) would be willing to forgive them and do the work to rebuild the marriage, etc...

 

AP might be on your mind...but you'll view him and everything else in a much different light if you're truly working to rescue your marriage.

 

Which is precisely why you should tell.

[Owl]

And i have to add, ive kept this whole situation a secret to everyone but people on here. Tomorrow i am having lunch with a good friend who is going through something similiar and i plan on tslking about my situation. I do think that by telling a real live friend it will hold me more accountable. I trust her. I need to get it out. If i cant hold myself accoutable maybe she can:(

 

Why not have your H help you remain accountable?

 

My wife met her OM via an MMORPG. Post d-day, she initially thought to leave me for him, but that fell through and she ended up staying for about a month before she truly made up her mind to work on our marriage. She pined over the loss of him...grieved over the end of that relationship. Right up until she was truly forced to either work on our marriage, or work on our divorce.

 

Her hardcore grief over the end of that relationship pretty much ended that day.

[wasntlooking]

I get it Owl......

[Popsicle]

Disagree.

 

Telling your H the truth would change the focus onto saving your marriage...you'd suddenly see your husband, your marriage, your affair partner, and your affair all in a much different light.

 

We've seen it time and again on the infidelity board. No idea that they'd take it that bad, amazed that their H (or W) would be willing to forgive them and do the work to rebuild the marriage, etc...

 

AP might be on your mind...but you'll view him and everything else in a much different light if you're truly working to rescue your marriage.

 

Which is precisely why you should tell.

 

Well now, if a WS was already sure that they're spouse will forgive before he/she even told them, then they wouldn't be so amazed now would they?

[Owl]

Well now, if a WS was already sure that they're spouse will forgive before he/she even told them, then they wouldn't be so amazed now would they?

 

Agreed. They might not be so amazed...and in truth, if they're not really forced to put effort into rebuilding their marriage (because their BS forgave them too easily, or their BS simply doesn't care about the relationship), then you'd likely be right, it might not change their focus off of their OM/MM...but it should highlight the need to potentially end that relationship in order to give themselves the chance to find one that COULD be potentially satisfying.

[Owl]

I get it Owl......

 

So let me ask you...what are you ACTIVELY DOING to change your situation right now?

 

What steps are you taking to repair your marriage? To help yourself recover from the affair? (I get that NC is a step, but for most it's a PASSIVE step...it's more of not doing something than doing something...).

 

IC? MC? How are you working to address the issues in your marriage? What are you doing to change the situation?

 

What are you doing to refocus yourself off of OM, off of the affair? Started a new hobby? Took up an old one? What are you doing to fill the time that you used to spend with him with something/someone else instead?

 

Passively sitting there hoping for improvements will get you nothing. My wife and I learned this the hard way...it was only when active decisions were made, and actually effort was put into changing things that we actually got things to change.

[wasntlooking]

Well Owl, thatz where im at, im not making excuses at all.....my A is done, yes i still think of him, but i do not want to go back there. Im in the process of trying fo figure out if i still have that spark for my H. Ive been debating that even before the A and my husbad knkws it. We were in MC. So im trying to get my head around it all. I think in time it will come out. I just want to be in a better place emotionally. Might sound like excuses but its a genuine try.

[Owl]

Well Owl, thatz where im at, im not making excuses at all.....my A is done, yes i still think of him, but i do not want to go back there. Im in the process of trying fo figure out if i still have that spark for my H. Ive been debating that even before the A and my husbad knkws it. We were in MC. So im trying to get my head around it all. I think in time it will come out. I just want to be in a better place emotionally. Might sound like excuses but its a genuine try.

 

I don't recall...does your H know the full extent of the affair? Has he been given the chance to forgive you for it (or not, if he chooses not to)? Have you used it as a catalyst to spark improved communication, since that's what you believe led you to where you got to?

 

That really needs to be the first place to go. You can't forgive you until he forgives you. He can't forgive what he doesn't know the full truth about. You can't repair the damage until the full scope of the damage is out there to see and assess.

[wasntlooking]

Im a very busy persn, work 40 plus hours graveyard and days and have several other activities that kdep me going. Im only on here today cause im finally off work after 7 dayz on. I am truly trying to work on M. It was already in trouble before A. Of course that didnt help. I know you dont see NC as a huge deal but it was a huge deal for me to cut it off. It sill still havd been going now if i didnt. I made that conscience choice to end it when i wasnt forced to.

[inappfriendly]

Glad I found this thread. I often have feelings I need to vent and share but starting threads on LS is hit or miss. Mostly helpful but sometimes hurtful, depending on the poster. Just the nature of these boards!

 

So this morning I had a sort of unsettling experience. My emotions post A have been exactly as y'all have described, a wild roller coaster ride! Lately they have skewed more towards angry than anything. Misguided and misplaced anger, I guess, since I am mad at exMM for literally doing nothing. For moving on, not reaching out to me, blah blah blah. I KNOW this is crazytime crazy but I feel it which makes it real, none the less. This morning, out of nowhere, I had a vivid memory of being held in MM's arms. For a moment, everything felt quiet and still. The din in my mind was silenced and the ache is my heart was soothed. It passed as quickly as it came over me but I feel like I am back at the beginning of NC when I just freaking missed him.

 

Hoping this is just coming full circle. I don't want to look back with sadness or anger. It happened. It was special. And it is over. It is as complicated and simple as that.

[Owl]

Im a very busy persn, work 40 plus hours graveyard and days and have several other activities that kdep me going. Im only on here today cause im finally off work after 7 dayz on. I am truly trying to work on M. It was already in trouble before A. Of course that didnt help. I know you dont see NC as a huge deal but it was a huge deal for me to cut it off. It sill still havd been going now if i didnt. I made that conscience choice to end it when i wasnt forced to.

 

On the contrary, NC is the single most important first step that must be taken before a marriage can recover. Without it, recovery is impossible. It's CRITICAL. And...I know full well that it's never 'easy'.

 

Here's the thing...too many people stop there.

 

They go through that hard part, and think that they're done. They simply don't follow through with that next most critical step...which is what I've been pushing you to do.

 

Sitting where you're at, it's so much easier to come up with all these 'reasons' why you can't tell right now...and then can't tell tomorrow...and then it's just better if you never tell.\

 

Doing that next step now is equally as critical. The longer you delay, the longer your husband is going to feel as though the deception will have continued. He WILL view every day between the beginning of the affair to the day he's informed as days he lived in a LIE. As days that he was DECEIVED, by you. You won't feel that way...you feel that the affair is over, and your deception has ended. He won't see it that way.

 

If you want to give your marriage a chance to improve...to rebuild on a solid foundation...you need to step up NOW and get this out in the open so that it can be dealt with.

 

Yes, he could walk out on you and never come back.

 

But truthfully...if that's how he feels...doesn't he deserve the chance to make that choice, given what you've done?

 

And the odds are actually against that happening, IME. He's more likely to be deeply hurt, angry, and in some of the deepest emotional trauam that you've ever seen...and then he'll say "OK, what do we do from here?".

 

Please realize...I'm not saying that NC is trivial...and I applaud you for getting there. But...stopping to rest on your laurels now is the worst possible thing you can do.

 

I hold nothing against you. I'm not here to "lash out" at you in any fashion. My marriage recovered wonderfully...I really am here just to offer you the best advice I can on ending the affiar and getting your marriage back on track.

 

Do you want that? Or no?

 

It's up to you. That's all I got for you.