learningtoletgo this thread

[Suque]

I would like to jump in on this thread as well. Haven't shared my story yet... I just can't. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to go NC as MM and I see each other daily at work. I try. I really do, but it never ends. I have asked for a transfer, but that won't happen until June. In the past year MM and I have each lost a parent, I have been through divorce and a miscarriage. I feel like I am constantly trying to rip the proverbial band aid off, but seeing him every day, and seeing the pain we both seem to be in (for me it's real) keeps the A alive. And that just makes me sad that I am so weak. MM sees no problem with continuing to take the A underground (I think that's the term, I'm new at this). I hate the way it makes me feel. I just want off this ride.

[inappfriendly]

Suque, so glad you jumped in! We are all united by this experience and I hope you find some relief and comfort from others' replies and posts.Reading yours, I was struck by your conflict of whether to keep your A underground. Well, I did this, too, after DDay and it absolutely wrecked me. At the time, keeping him in my life seemed better than losing him completely but it was NOT what I wanted or needed. What I desperately desired was a REAL relationship with him. Out in the open. Holding hands in public. Complete sharing of our lives. What I GOT were crumbs of his time. Lack of responses and support when I needed him most. My marriage crashed and burned after the A. His W fought hard for him and he stayed. I waited and waited for him to realize we were meant to be. But it was never going to happen.

 

 

It sounds like you have had a horrific year and I just want to reach out and hug you. It may feel like staying in contact with him will somehow lessen your pain but in the long run, it ends up hurting worse when reality hits and you are left alone picking up the pieces of your heart.

 

 

Dig deep. Find your strength. And start fighting for what is best for YOU.

All the best.

[Suque]

Wow our stories sound almost identical. My H didn't find out about the A. I just couldn't do it any more. It wasn't fair to him for me to be in love with someone else. MM's wife has been and will continue to fight like hell, and I just don't have it in me anymore to feel bad for him bc he is "stuck."

You are absolutely right... It isn't going to change until I change it. Thank you so much for your kind words and support.

[wanting more]

It's been 18 months since my 3-1/2 yr A ended (after 2 d-days with his BW and 16 months since d-day with my BSO)

 

The first months were horrible. My rollercoaster went up down sideways and upside down. Never thought I'd get off. After the 2nd d-day with his BW he threw me under the bus. He said things about me that were horrible, ridiculous, outrageous and very very hurtful. I was so confused. Then d-day with my BSO. I had no plans of R but it wAs still horrible. The guilt (I never thought I'd feel because I didn't live my BSO) took over me and was so hard for me to deal with.

 

Then my BSO and xMM BW started talking (which is when I heard even more things xMM was saying about me) And they talked constantly for weeks. But then even my BSO realized the lies were unbelievable and the blame for the A was placed kong at my feet

 

It wasn't long after that when I stopped crying. And I realized I was not going to cry ever again over a man that had hurt me as bad as xMM had. Him popping in my head got less and less.

 

He's tried contacting me within the last few months. I don't respond. I never will. He says all the I love you, I miss you, I need you. That's what I wanted/needed to hear 18 months ago. Right now it does nothing for me. I hope one day he'll just give up.

 

You can move past this. This was a horrible mistake I made and hurt people with my selfish decisions. But I won't live my life wanting or wondering what could've been. He's not worth it.

[Suque]

I have been lurking on this site for about 6 months. I have been so afraid to post because I know BW reads things here as well. I actually found the site because she had sent him an email with a quote from someone here, and he forwarded her message to me. Maybe I will be brave enough to tell my entire story soon. I don't mean to take over this thread ... I know its time to move on. I'm disconnecting a lot. We don't see each other outside of work anymore, but I am so afraid to make the work situation unbearable, I haven't been able to just stop,talking to him. It's getting better though, and I thank you for your support. My life has truly been one tragedy after another for the past 9 months. I am finally settled in my own place with my kids (XH is not very involved), and as I started reading these posts last night, it all came crashing down. Inapp, u are completely right about me being left to pick up the pieces, but it's something I am going to have to do. I think I'm ready.

[inappfriendly]

Suque, I can tell from your posts that you are tough and resilient...probably more so than you know! It takes a strong woman to make a decision to raise your children on your own! So many people stay in broken marriages because the alternative is simply terrifying. I'm glad you say you are ready to start picking up the pieces but go slowly and be gentle with yourself. You will have set backs. You will have days where all you want is to be with him no matter what the cost. 6 months+ out and I still have those days. It is VERY difficult when you have daily contact. My xMM lives in my neighborhood and our kids attend the same school. Even if I don't physically see him everyday, the thought that I MIGHT causes me an enormous amount of anxiety and sadness. I have to remind myself literally every day that he chose HER. He loves HER. If he loved me, he would find a way to be with me. With ALL of me. Not in a super secret way. Just like yours, he had a chance to and he turned it down. Sorry for rambling but "talking" it out here helps me process my constantly conflicted feelings. And hearing others stories that sound so freaking similar reminds me of how commonly this occurs. And how many men want their cake, blah blah blah, with little regard for the emotional fallout they leave behind when they go back to their regularly scheduled lives. I am sorry we are united by this pain but you are not alone! Keep posting and processing and be good to YOU. Hugs and have a great weekend!

[Suque]

Thanks again... I truly do not understand him at this point. We had another incident with BS yesterday in which she sent me a pretty hateful (understandably) email. MM just happened to be there (at work) when email came through, so we got to read it together. I did reply to her email because she made a lot of accusations that just weren't true. When I told him that I was going to reply, he told me that I should, and that he doesn't care. It's almost like he wants me to end his marriage for him... Ugh, I am just so frustrated. I used to think if him as my hero, now I just see a coward.

[wasntlooking]

This is kind of random but just wanted to thank everyone on here for being on here. I was the closest today ive ever been to breaking NC. I had myself convinced it was ok. So in some downtime at work, i popped on here and starting reading different threads. Man, its like someone else takes over your brain temporarily.

 

Point is i would have totally broke NC today if it wasnt for LS, so thank you. My kids deserve so much more than me obsessing still and so does XMM kids. Dont forget my H. He sent me a ILY text before he went to bed tonight...( i work graveyard shift) and it was like a snap back to reality. I really do have it all. I dont need to obsess over something that eill never happen. I really do have it good. Its time to move on. Thanks LS for once again talking me out of a really dumb move.

[inappfriendly]

Random: maybe. Awesome: TOTALLY!!!

Way to go, WasntLooking!

You know I know how HARD it is when you want to break NC. Sometimes you feel like you JUST NEED ANSWERS.

You have the answers you need. From him and his lack of contact. And at home, with your family!

I hope you find an enormous amount of pride, strength and HOPE in your accomplishment!

Have an amazing day!

[wasntlooking]

Thanks inapp, i always appreciate your support. I sincerely hope you are doing ok. It seems like my bad days are fewer now but still intense. Its getting through them. I still feel liie im in slow motion but am finally seeing progress.

 

I just cant get over how disrepectful i would be to his family if i did talk to him again. Just for my own gain. I think ive done enough damage.

 

You show such strength too. Its sooooooooo hard. 8-). Keep fighting! One day i know we will look back and laugh at ourselves on how silly we are.lol 8-)

[BrokenPrincess]

It may feel like staying in contact with him will somehow lessen your pain but in the long run, it ends up hurting worse when reality hits and you are left alone picking up the pieces of your heart.

 

This^^^. I just saw xAP today for the first time in over a year. It was a planned meeting. I felt pretty ok when I left, like we'd achieved some closure (haha), answered my lingering questions from DDay & our second breakup, and I could really truly fully move on but with literally every passing hour that I've been home, I feel worse & worse.

[mayumi01]

I would like to jump on this thread as well. my first ever post! (although i have been reading here for a while now). i am soo confused as well. wanted to end my A but i dont know how! my feelings are all over the place.. I wanted to go NC but so hard cause once i get text from MM i can't help but reply MM lives in another country but we meet up twice since the A started 18 months ago. I know its wrong that's why I want to end it but I don't know How.. Can anyone help??

[wasntlooking]

Mayumi

Welcome. I dont post much anymore but cant let a fellow woman be left hanging. 8-). If you read some of my posts, i was in the same boat as you are. Going NC is by far the hardest thing i ever have done EVER! Its been six months and i finally am starting to feel some indifference towards him....FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I so know what you are going through.

 

Ive been so tempted to break NC and i started it! But really, what stops me is thinking about the families i would be hurting...mine and his. His kids dont deserve a woman taking their dad away unless he did it on his own. My kids deserve all of their mom, not a part of me. Also if you do go NC, which you should 8-), easier said than done, get rid of all social media accounts. I cant tell you how much this has helped me. I used to check up on his wifes page all the time and it made me feel like crap. Im six weeks free of social media and i love it!.

 

So , you need to go NC. Better said than done, take it from me. Read my posts, ive struggled with it hard. Time really helps. When people told me that i didnt believe it but it does. It doesnt happen as fast as we would like but it does help. Trust me. Heck, im not still 100% sure if i wont slip up and contact him again but i know if i do, it wont be with the same feelngs i had before. Time has changed them,slowly. Hang in there and keep venting. If you csn pm me yet, feel free to.

[mayumi01]

Thank you so much wasn't looking.. Unfortunately as I'm a new member i can't pm you yet. As soon as i read your reply I couldn't help but cry!

Anyway i will definitely try the NC.. thanks again and wish me luck

[wasntlooking]

Awww sorry i made you cry..........stay strong, you can do this i know you can......its so worth it in the end. And try not to beat yourself up too much. Even the best of us find ourselves in these situations but its really the test if you have enough strength to get out of them! You can do it!

[inappfriendly]

This^^^. I just saw xAP today for the first time in over a year. It was a planned meeting. I felt pretty ok when I left, like we'd achieved some closure (haha), answered my lingering questions from DDay & our second breakup, and I could really truly fully move on but with literally every passing hour that I've been home, I feel worse & worse.

THIS!!! This is my greatest fear. Whenever I think I need closure, I am going to revisit this post. I know how awful it is to see him regularly from afar. A conversation like that would most likely kill me!

Hugs, BP.

[sunburned]

This^^^. I just saw xAP today for the first time in over a year. It was a planned meeting. I felt pretty ok when I left, like we'd achieved some closure (haha), answered my lingering questions from DDay & our second breakup, and I could really truly fully move on but with literally every passing hour that I've been home, I feel worse & worse.

THIS!!! This is my greatest fear. Whenever I think I need closure, I am going to revisit this post. I know how awful it is to see him regularly from afar. A conversation like that would most likely kill me!

Hugs, BP.

 

Me too. I sometimes find myself feeling a bit jealous that so many of these APs continue to reach out after NC established. Mine didn't. I didn't either, but it's been a months-long struggle on my end that is finally getting easier. When I read these disastrous stories of contact after lengthy periods of NC, I feel better. I keep telling myself it's a sign of mutual respect but maybe I'm just swallowing the loveshack kool-aide.

[BrokenPrincess]

I'm an addict. I'm feeling completely reckless right now & dying to contact him. Trying to so hard not to do it. This really is like day 1 all over again. I can still feel yesterday's kiss, I am aching to contact him right now. It seems so easy dammit

[jellybean89]

Thanks inapp, i always appreciate your support. I sincerely hope you are doing ok. It seems like my bad days are fewer now but still intense. Its getting through them. I still feel liie im in slow motion but am finally seeing progress.

 

I just cant get over how disrepectful i would be to his family if i did talk to him again. Just for my own gain. I think ive done enough damage.

 

You show such strength too. Its sooooooooo hard. 8-). Keep fighting! One day i know we will look back and laugh at ourselves on how silly we are.lol 8-)

 

Wasnt-read what I bolded and instead of the word HIS, change that to MY, cause that should be your focus: your family, not his. Wishing you good luck.

 

I would like to jump on this thread as well. my first ever post! (although i have been reading here for a while now). i am soo confused as well. wanted to end my A but i dont know how! my feelings are all over the place.. I wanted to go NC but so hard cause once i get text from MM i can't help but reply MM lives in another country but we meet up twice since the A started 18 months ago. I know its wrong that's why I want to end it but I don't know How.. Can anyone help??

 

May - yes, you can stop replying. No one is forcing you to reply, so change the word CAN'T to I WANT because you CAN stop replying, you just don't want to. Start focusing on what you know is the right thing to do instead of using the excuse of "it's too hard" or "I will just die without him". Both of those things are not true...you survived without him in your life, you will survive again. Good luck.

[jellybean89]

I'm an addict. I'm feeling completely reckless right now & dying to contact him. Trying to so hard not to do it. This really is like day 1 all over again. I can still feel yesterday's kiss, I am aching to contact him right now. It seems so easy dammit

 

Stop stop stop. BK, I have always admired your strength and how you knew ending was by far the best thing for YOU. You planned and met with him, which you had to know deep down was not the right thing to do. You know closure comes from within and no matter what, there is NO FUTURE WITH HIM AND THE AFFAIR ONLY HURTS YOU.

 

Find something to occupy your mind. When you start to think of him, divert your attention to something else...pictures of your family/husband/kids...something that will hurt if you lost it.

 

Find your inner strength and do what you need to do to ensure no more contact with him. Love yourself. I know you can get past this.

[wasntlooking]

Just a question i have for those who broke NC. Did you break it when you were feeling strong and good about everything or when you were weak and upset?

 

The reason i ask is that recently, im starting to feel indifference which is great!!! But it also makes the urge to contact him worse because i feel so good and first, i want him to know im doing good without him, and second i feel like i csn handle rejection better if i feel good. Im not saying im 100% over this but am finally getting those good feelings back an less obsessing over him. I know i shouldnt even care to contact him and some days i could care less, its just not consistent yet.

 

Just a little background, i broke it off and started NC. Havent broke or talked to him in six months.

[wasntlooking]

And i just have to share what i found to finally be a turning point for me. I got rid of all my social media accounts. Theres no more temptation to stalk his wifes page. All that did was make me feel like crap and guilty that i saw the face of the woman who i am hurting.

 

So if you want to start feeling progress, you MUST get rid of it, im telling you, and have the self control to continue. Its hard at first but you really do start to not care. Im not 100% there but soooooooooooooo much better than I was. Social media has a tendency to make your life look better than it is anyways and im sure his life isnt as great as his wife portrays it in the pics. Heck, she doesnt even know the real him anyways, but the same can be said for me too.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Just ignore this...I'm babbling...not sure I was following a thought correctly.

[movingon45]

Any of the ladies that have been through this ever felt like you were finally starting to forget about him and then in a way your mind brings it all back so you dont forget. Im scared to let go i think because it was such a good memory at times. I knkw its my mind playing tricks on me. I want to forget but in a way you dont. Im my own worst enemy.

 

wasntlooking, I do the same thing because I use him as my fantasy for my missing sex life. I don't contact him though. He's just in my mind and so I think it's harder to forget.

[movingon45]

i agree that NC is super difficult. I struggle with the fact that someone who was so close at one point suddenly is gone and the feeling is horrible. From a guys point of view i can tell you that yes he does miss you and you are in his thoughts and if you really want the guys point of view your still in his thoughts especially sexually. I dont know if thats what you want to hear but thats what we tend to remember and enjoy the most, not to say that we dont value the love and connection at all. As a guy put into NC, even tho my xAP was a little out there, it does hurt incredibly and make me wonder how you are able to ignore us or turn your back and disappear from something that we both enjoyed.

 

Thats the thing with men and why mostly what i see from this forum is women going NC, cause as guys as long as there are good times, forget what emotional destruction is going on, we'll ride it till the rails fall off. As long as the perks are there, like the intense feelings of a rendezvous, the amazing sex, or the deep affair love and bond...we will either not be overly cognizant of how we are being affected and where we are going emotionally in the long run, or we just dont care, as long as we meet up and have our fun. That being said...when its over, at least in my case, we are thrust into an emotional no mans land that we didnt plan for or see on the horizon because we were just too busy wingin' it and having a good time...so thats where a lot of the hurt, difficulty, and struggle come from. Which is why some of the MMs keep trying to get pull you back in.

 

However, if you end it and go NC we arent going to get back in touch either because of dignity or because we'll assume that your in a hyper emotional state...and if your in a hyper emotional state chances are we kno we aren't going to get what we want ie; you to "just drop it" so we can go back to having our fun or being friends. Therefore, if you break up in a super emotional way...like an email brimming with emotions..we are going to assume that theres no way to speak to that "fun" person again or that super friend that convo flowed so effortlessly with because you have let us kno that the situation has really put the whammy on you in a big way. Thats why wanstlooking your guy just said "its ok" because he saw that and was trying to console you.

 

Wow xeno thanks for posting this. This is what I needed to hear. It's great to hear from a man's point of view.

 

This is probably the reason why my ExMOM and I can never be friends. Even though I try to keep it clean he always goes back to the sex part even though we have agreed not to see each other anymore.