inappfriendly Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 So I've been feeling Meh lately. Apathetic, at best. It has actually been a refreshing break from the heartache of losing xMM as well as the demise of my M. I will deal with all the feelings and emotions again, but for now my heart is on hiatus. I was surprised last night, however, by some unexpected and intense breakthrough anger. My mind had been going over the timeline of my A. This time last year we were right smack in the middle of it all and I had fallen hard for him. Dday would hit month later. Two weeks after that we were back in touch, super underground, and talking about our options in regards to our spouses and families. I know he was going through hell at home. As was I. The difference was, as I can clearly see now, he was desperately trying to stay while I was looking for any reasons to go. On many occasions, when things got particularly ugly at home, he asked if I would leave with him. I always answered yes. He never left. But he never let me give up hope that we could be together. It is blatantly obvious to me now that the only way he would have left is if his W had kicked him out. I was always his backup plan. At the time I thought he was just confused. He told me once that he would not be physical with me again until his M was over just to break that promise when the opportunity presented itself. It meant something to me but clearly nothing to him. In the days and months following DDay, I was aloof and standoffish from my H. We attended MC but just for the sake of saying we tried. It hurt H more than I could ever imagine but I was scared to R in case MM actually meant it one of the times he asked me to run away with him. What a fool I was. I can't say it would have changed the outcome...M was dying before the A...but it would have saved everyone a lot of pain if I had never been lured into holding out hope of a future with MM. Sorry for rambling. Just perpetually processing this mess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 (edited) So I've been feeling Meh lately. Apathetic, at best. It has actually been a refreshing break from the heartache of losing xMM as well as the demise of my M. I will deal with all the feelings and emotions again, but for now my heart is on hiatus. I was surprised last night, however, by some unexpected and intense breakthrough anger. My mind had been going over the timeline of my A. This time last year we were right smack in the middle of it all and I had fallen hard for him. Dday would hit month later. Two weeks after that we were back in touch, super underground, and talking about our options in regards to our spouses and families. I know he was going through hell at home. As was I. The difference was, as I can clearly see now, he was desperately trying to stay while I was looking for any reasons to go. On many occasions, when things got particularly ugly at home, he asked if I would leave with him. I always answered yes. He never left. But he never let me give up hope that we could be together. It is blatantly obvious to me now that the only way he would have left is if his W had kicked him out. I was always his backup plan. At the time I thought he was just confused. He told me once that he would not be physical with me again until his M was over just to break that promise when the opportunity presented itself. It meant something to me but clearly nothing to him. In the days and months following DDay, I was aloof and standoffish from my H. We attended MC but just for the sake of saying we tried. It hurt H more than I could ever imagine but I was scared to R in case MM actually meant it one of the times he asked me to run away with him. What a fool I was. I can't say it would have changed the outcome...M was dying before the A...but it would have saved everyone a lot of pain if I had never been lured into holding out hope of a future with MM. Sorry for rambling. Just perpetually processing this mess. Hugs. My xmm did the bolded too...I always wonder why. I'm sorry you're going through this. Edited March 29, 2014 by Popsicle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Hi! You could have posted this thread at a better time; in fact, I feel like it may be a sign for me. It has been over 5 month NC, and today I got an email from him. I have not replied. I feel like this is my test...after all of the work I have done to try to FINALLY do the right thing. But even after everything I've been through, I feel a little weak. It's the sex and passion that I miss the most. But I'm not going to reply.... I have not had a chance to read your threads and posts yet, but I will. I know that u said we have similar circumstances. I am here to help!!!!! It feels so good to know I'm not the only one on this ride. I do hope we both have the strength to make sure we stay off for good. Learningtoletgo----I know you posted this a while ago. Just curious if you ever replied back after 5 months of NC. I am only 9 weeks of NC, but I desperately want him to reach out. I know I am a fool for thinking that anything good will come of it, but I miss him SO MUCH. It's pathetic to feel that even just a hello from this exMM who treated me so badly in the end would make me smile. I am just wondering how you are doing and what you did. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 This^^^. I just saw xAP today for the first time in over a year. It was a planned meeting. I felt pretty ok when I left, like we'd achieved some closure (haha), answered my lingering questions from DDay & our second breakup, and I could really truly fully move on but with literally every passing hour that I've been home, I feel worse & worse. BrokenPrincess--how are you doing since seeing the xAP 10 days ago????? Honestly, would you do it all again knowing how you feel now? Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 BrokenPrincess--how are you doing since seeing the xAP 10 days ago????? Honestly, would you do it all again knowing how you feel now? Well I'm back on the roller coaster of recovery but the rebound feels much faster. Had a nice couple days of anger & moments of indifference but yesterday & today, feeling sad. Meh. Yes, I would do it again primarily because I felt like we needed to address the fact that I live somewhat nearby now, which was a huge change. It also helped to know his Ws mentality these days about the whole thing, since my H does not know of the A. The rest--the gifts he brought me, catching up, laughing, finding out he tried to see me at work, hugging, kissing--those parts all felt wonderful but they have reopened the wounds. 8 days NC and counting... :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Well I'm back on the roller coaster of recovery but the rebound feels much faster. Had a nice couple days of anger & moments of indifference but yesterday & today, feeling sad. Meh. Yes, I would do it again primarily because I felt like we needed to address the fact that I live somewhat nearby now, which was a huge change. It also helped to know his Ws mentality these days about the whole thing, since my H does not know of the A. The rest--the gifts he brought me, catching up, laughing, finding out he tried to see me at work, hugging, kissing--those parts all felt wonderful but they have reopened the wounds. 8 days NC and counting... :/ WOW--just what I imagined your response would be. Not sure what his Ws mentality is, but I'd be interested to know just for my own sake as I wonder how my exMM is moving along in repairing his marriage. My impression in reading this is that you both are still very much in love, but realize it can't be...I'm sorry---please try to hang in there!!!!!! Most of us would have probably done exactly what you did and would have the feelings too---it's uncanny how much we are all different yet so much alike. Link to post Share on other sites
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