learningtoletgo this thread

[wasntlooking]

Oh wouldnt we all love to go back in time with what we know now......

[wasntlooking]

Bruisednbroken

I have toiled with the thought of separating from H temporarily to see how i feel. Even before my A i was contemplating it. The chances of my AP and I reconnecting are low so it wouldnt be for that reason. I may just need time to sort out what i am thinking. I worry about my kids, i grew up in several broken marriages and did not want that for my kids. And yes, for some reason i thought i was above all that while in the A. Didnt think that it was ever going to get to that point. Should have thought all this through before i know but got too wrapped up too fast.

[wasntlooking]

And it wouldnt be a surprisd to my H if i separated from him. He knows im not completely happy.

[Learningtoletgo]

Wasn't looking,

 

Sorry u r having a bad day. I am also not doing very well today because of the recent email from my mm that broke our 5 month NC. It's awful. I would have never thought that I would have rather him not contact me. I go back and forth in my head about how I feel. One part of me ( the part that I'm ashamed about) wishes that we could see each Other "just one more time". But I know that's just the addiction talking. The other side of me does not want to reply at all because I don't want to go through all of the emotions again. So, dealing with all of these emotions have put me in such an anxious state again, like I felt during the affair.

 

Before NC was broken, I was just like you. Good days and bad days. But I did feel like SLOWLY the good days were more than the bad, so hang in there.

 

I also have gone back and forth on leaving my SO, but I also have a child and it kills me to think about what would happen to her if we did slit. She is so close to her dad. I don't know what the answer is to this one. But I would say u probably need more time NC from mm before u make a decision about your marriage.

 

I also find myself not letting go of memories/ feelings of my mm because the memories are so good for me. I'm trying so hard to " live in the present" rather than past or future, but the past does rope me in.

[wasntlooking]

How are all you ladies doing today?

[lostfaith]

First day of NC, broke up yesterday. Very very sad. Just slept all day and cried. I hope it will be over soon. He wanted to stay friends till we are both divorced and then get back together. I said no, I am not planning to be friends with him or hold on to hope. I just want it to be over.

[wasntlooking]

Lost faith

I am so sorry you are going through thus too. I promise you it does get better. You did the right thing by going NC. Its better not to waste your time when you know its not going anywhere. I know easier said than done. I wish i could still talk to my xMM but know its for the best not to. NC is soooo hard but you can do it. It will get easier i promise. Im four months now and am doing better. Still good and bad days but i dont cry all the time anymore. Please stay strong. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss its ok. But know its for the best. Please post here and we can help each other. NC NC NC!

[Berkley]

I don't mean to sound happy at the struggles of others....but it is somehow helpful to know that others are having a tough time of this as well.

 

 

Last time I saw him was the end of November.....and pretty much NC since. I was told that he needed a 'hiatus' from our friendship. That he needed complete NC. That he was doing this for both of us because he loves me. "That we just need to heal from the past and look towards a brighter future. Just give it time."

A "Merry Christmas and all the best for you and your family" text at Christmas. He responded with the same ....with the added - I will see you in the new year.

Haven't spoken to him or heard anything since Christmas day.

 

 

Every day is a struggle. Some worse than others, but none are 'good'. The past week has been really hard since I'm sick with a sinus/ear infection and just had a root canal....so more sitting around the house than is good for me.

It just seems that no matter where I am or what I'm doing - even if I'm busy....he's always on my mind.

 

 

I know I became way too dependant on his friendship, on him. My job, him, his family became everything to me....so with all of it gone now, and knowing I'll never have any of it again....I'm just lost and empty.

I know I'm still too emotionally invested in him right now to be able to handle contact without it hurting and leaving me wanting more of his attention and time.

 

 

I also know that at some point here, he will contact me and I dread it. I'm not ready....but I know if I ignore him completely, that will probably be it forever - and I'm not sure yet if I want to completely sever the chance of a friendship with he and his family again somewhere down the road.

[Appreciate]

Telling your husbands will be the fastest way to get over MM.

 

Yes, you stand to risk everything but you will finally come face to face with your life as it really is. What's ultimately lacking here is respect for your spouses. You do them a greater injustice by trying to "work it out" while still "getting over" another man. Because you are still being self-serving, and if you really love your husbands, serve them with the truth and let them see how they feel about it. Your marriage could end or it could be saved. It will never be the same again but it already isn't.

 

Just one person's perspective...

[proseandpassion]

My MM and I haven't officially broken up, but he's on holiday with his wife so we've had 3 full days of NC. It's actually been good. I've been focusing on self care - cleaning my house, deep conditioning my hair, little rituals like that. It actually is very soothing and helping a lot.

[sunburned]

Back to little steps forward. Last couple days were emotionally bloody, not sure why. After all, it's been more than 5 mos of NC. How slow can I be??? Must have triggered at the sub-conscious level.

 

 

Anyone have wisdom to share from IC as to how you landed in an A in the first place?

[Cocochai]

Well let's see.... Back NC once again since this past Thursday. I'm not sure what to make of it but I took this as a chance to truly move on. Blocked contact on FB and right now I'm so hurt because I was the one that broke it off back in Dec only to allow it to happen again. He broke it off this time saying he's having marital problem and needs to put in his all FOR NOW. Offered friendship. I told him it doesn't sound like the M is a problem but he is the problem and I hope he gets help for the sake of his M. I think his spouse notices a change in XMM once we hook back up again.

 

Those key words "For Now" already tells me he's not serious and that he'll reach out again but I'm tired. I've decided to no longer respond if he contacts me. I don't want to be apart of it anymore. He was persistence last time to get back in contact... This has affected my ability to concentrate on my kid and my attitude isn't plesent right now. I want to be left alone for at least a weekend to get my mind right. But I can't and my parents are noticing my attitude.

 

This isn't me.

Edited February 1, 2014 by Cocochai

[wasntlooking]

Cocochai

I am sorry you are upset. I to struggle alot with NC. We havent broke it yet but boy do I want to and i ended it. My advice is to not respond to any attempts and give yoirself more than just a weekend to think it through. NC is hard as you may already know but its the only way to let go. I struggle everyday and when i feel the urge, i usually come hre and post. It helps. Focus on your child. Its hard. I have two children and struggle to be who i was before A with them because they deserve 100% of their mother...one of the other reasons i ended A.

[wasntlooking]

Sunburned

I am not in Ic but am thinking about it. I can give you some thoughts on why i think i ended up in an A. Its like youre in a fog, seriously, cause i look back now and see how i set myself up for heartbreak.

 

I was already having marital issues pre A and we were in MC for that.

The issues were mostly communication issues.

I did not feel like H pulled his weight and i was doing almost everything and working also.

My H took things for granted and i always had to push him to do anything.

So i was not happy in my M. Nor was I looking for an another R. I was committing myself to saving A. But during MC is when A started.

I also have self esteem issues, always have. Hoping IC can help that.

I dont take compliments well and dont believe people when they say something nice about me.

And of course the opportnity to have an A presented itself. He pushed for it and I fell for him. I still believe we would be together if we met earlier in life but i cannot cause more dsmage to his or my family anymore. So all of those factors is why i think i had A. No excuses there but just some issues that led to it happening. It was all wrong no matter what issues.

[Popsicle]

Sorry, I missed this thread when it started. I am 3 months NC. I have my weak moments but it's getting better every day. I have full confidence that I will get over it once Im ready to start dating again.

 

Telling your husbands will be the fastest way to get over MM.

 

Fastest? I don't believe this is true. I believe the AP still stays on their mind just like they do if it ends without being exposed. Time is really the only healer.

[ZMM]

Fastest? I don't believe this is true. I believe the AP still stays on their mind just like they do if it ends without being exposed. Time is really the only healer.

 

Very true. Actually, my guess is exposing the A would keep the issue MORE on one's mind as it would become the primary focus of your M, at least for a very long while.

[herself]

13 year friendship turned EA (no physical) but both of us seemed to fall VERY deeply in love, both married.

Would give anything to have my friend back.

When we ended it, mostly him due to guilt we tried to keep talking as friends but it was so awkward each day & causing me so much confusion to overnight just bbecome platonic & not express the I love you and miss you etc. Just awkward & hurtful.

Coming up on 40 days NC.

He said lets take some time and get in a good place....I didnt know what he was thinking or trying to do...get rid of the feelings?

So I emailed (36 days ago) and just said, I was blocking email & phone and that there was no chance or hope now, it was over & gone and buried.

I suffer every day in Nc just missing my friend and in shock& disbelief I will never get to talk with him again. No idea where his head is at or if he misses me.

Feel used & SAD.

[wasntlooking]

Herself

I know all to well what youre going through. Its hard not knowing. Im almost five months nos NC and i do feel better than i did. So here is where im at today. I know its over for good, i ended it. Part of me wants it back but a bigger part says no way. I will always think of him. I dont think that will change. Its coming to terms with it all that is hard. You havd to accept that it will nevef be the samd again and im ok with that. I just would love to know his thoights on everything since my XMM said nothing to me when i said goodbye. Thats the hard part. I feel like soon i am going to break NC to ask him why no response. Ive played out in my head all the responses he could give me includng the silent treatment. I push it off one more day everyday and hope that the urge disappears before i do break NC. Breaking it would nof be to restart but to get an answer as to what it all meant. So i feel your pain. Too bad we put ourselves here but the importang thing is that we learn and never do it again

[wasntlooking]

Some days i feel like i have nothng to lose by contactng him and asking him what it all meant. I wish he closed the door for me instead of leavng it open by saying nothing and making me guess. If i was used, i just want to hear it ya know?

[msoptimistic]

Oh can I please get in this thread? My NC was forced after an intercepted text last week...knew it was coming but was in no way prepared..that old "play with fire and you're gonna get burned" karma! We had been involved for 19 months so every kind of attachment imaginable was in place. After about 12 months I came clean with H and agreed to no more contact with MM. Of course that lasted all of about a week...H did not and does not know contact ever resumed. If I tell him then M has absolutely 0% chance of surviving. Here's the other ? I have...does anyone question if they really truly want to make M work? My MM and H were complete opposites in every way (and I do mean every way)..and I really enjoyed the whole lifestyle of MM..do you ever think that even if its not meant to work out with MM that there still might be someone out there you would be happier with than H? I know thats taking a flippant attitude toward M in general and also alot of "the grass is greener" syndrome but I can't help how it feels sometime..almost like having tasted the other side that staying is, in a way, settling?

And I did have a phone call from MM yesterday and I'm sure it will surprise you all to know that he wanted to "talk"....just talk....only talk..!!!

[herself]

Some days i feel like i have nothng to lose by contactng him and asking him what it all meant. I wish he closed the door for me instead of leavng it open by saying nothing and making me guess. If i was used, i just want to hear it ya know?

 

I almost want to tell you to stay strong because it feels like the ball is in HIS court to reach out and say more etc.

Im so sorry for you because I know he made it so much harder to heal and move on without that closure or even letting you know it would be hard on him, he would miss you, it was special....I dont tjink many men would admit to using someone.

 

Its so hard, Im right there with you and others who feel they were just ripped apart. ...when the FAST train going 100 miles per hour makes a full hard stop....the after effects are so brutal. I think all I wanna know most days is its hard for him too, or that his life has a void too.

Id rather HE not get to know I am struggling though and that, and not wanting to be used or drug back in is what keeps me in NC. Seems so easy for them to just close the chapter and move on.

Wish the men here would post more for our peace of mind.

[herself]

Oh can I please get in this thread? My NC was forced after an intercepted text last week...knew it was coming but was in no way prepared..that old "play with fire and you're gonna get burned" karma! We had been involved for 19 months so every kind of attachment imaginable was in place. After about 12 months I came clean with H and agreed to no more contact with MM. Of course that lasted all of about a week...H did not and does not know contact ever resumed. If I tell him then M has absolutely 0% chance of surviving. Here's the other ? I have...does anyone question if they really truly want to make M work? My MM and H were complete opposites in every way (and I do mean every way)..and I really enjoyed the whole lifestyle of MM..do you ever think that even if its not meant to work out with MM that there still might be someone out there you would be happier with than H? I know thats taking a flippant attitude toward M in general and also alot of "the grass is greener" syndrome but I can't help how it feels sometime..almost like having tasted the other side that staying is, in a way, settling?

And I did have a phone call from MM yesterday and I'm sure it will surprise you all to know that he wanted to "talk"....just talk....only talk..!!!

 

Can you post a brand new thread and tell us the update so we all can help or give feedback? Feel like your story Will be buried here & you wont get the insight.what did he say? Secretly many of us girls wish for the call even knowing it would be bad for us, we just feel like the silence is murder.

[wasntlooking]

Yes would be nice yo hear more male pov ........i know women and men deal differently. What helps me and should help you too is that our XMM may just as well think were doing just great without them. They have no idea we are struggling. They might as well be thinking howwe can be so chill about it all too. We know were not ok and are emotional wrecks but since we maintain NC the XMM may think how can we be so strong. One can only hope 8)

[herself]

Wasnt looking, I feel your AP very likely sees things that way & thats a good thing. You keot your dignity and before you know it you may experience a full recovery?

 

For me, my last email to him for goodbye was seething with emotion telling him Im walking away and that I would need counseling because I felt my mental well being was so affected.

Ugh, so I doubt he woyld feel I walked away so easily and gracefully and had I not blocked him everywhere, I am SO curious as to what he may have said back or if ge would be reaching out. I will never know I guess.

 

I wondee for you if you should just go ahead & block him so you wont look for him anymore?

May help to push forward in moving on to kill the hope?

 

I know I said before, the silence is SO loud.

[wasntlooking]

I have changed my email, theres only one way he could contact me and thats through a game app. But we both havent been on that for a long time. I really dont think ill hear from him again. I cant rule out that i may reach out to say what the heck was wrong with him with no response lol. I still have his email, he has not changed it. My break up email basically stated that i knew i was falling for him and that i couldnt go on with that knowng we would never go anywhere. He would lose everything he worked for and i dont want that. I was very flattering to him, saying he was still a good person, good father, etc. So i wanted him to feel good after readding it. So i guess im just pissed i built him up so much so he would be ok and then i get nothing in return. He was never one to express himself well though.