The secret Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 So I've been sleeping with a MM for a year and a half. It's been casual, no strings,etc. This wasn't some great love affair. When I first met him I did not know he was married I discovered it through social media. I also found his wife. She has no idea her husband is on a dating site. Well I decided the fun sex isn't worth the guilt. Do I tell the wife? I am leaning towards no but I was just curious about others opinions and I can't ask my friends. Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 So I've been sleeping with a MM for a year and a half. It's been casual, no strings,etc. This wasn't some great love affair. When I first met him I did not know he was married I discovered it through social media. I also found his wife. She has no idea her husband is on a dating site. Well I decided the fun sex isn't worth the guilt. Do I tell the wife? I am leaning towards no but I was just curious about others opinions and I can't ask my friends. If you were the wife, would you want to know? I would. Perhaps send her a link to his info on the dating site, apologize and tell her you recently had a relationship with him and he did not tell you he was married, and offer your info to contact her if she has questions. As a BS, I would respond respectfully to that. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author The secret Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 I don't want to give her my contact info. I just want to send her his profile and she can do with that as she see fits. Or I want to ignore it all. I was a BS and I'm not sure I can come clean. Ignorance might be bliss? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Wait. Why can't you tell your own friends?! You just wrote you didn't know he was Married so your friends should understand, support, be there for you. But, since you're asking, I think you should ask your Mom. Really, just tell her you have a friend in this stitch and you want to know what to tell her so what would she, as a Wife want. Might work... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I assume since you don't want to tell any of your friends about this, it means that you continued sleeping him for a while once you found out he was married and now it's getting to you, you feel bad/guilty and even more so now you've looked up his wife online. ? If that is the case, then own your part in this. To tell her and not admit who you are is not right either. Maybe you don't want to deal with the fallout, or face her questions, or deal with him (he will probably hate you for telling his wife, even more so if you continued sleeping with him once you found out he was married) etc.. Anyway, talking to her and owning your part in all this might help give you closure. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I don't want to give her my contact info. I just want to send her his profile and she can do with that as she see fits. Or I want to ignore it all. I was a BS and I'm not sure I can come clean. Ignorance might be bliss? Since you were a BS, would you have preferred not to know the truth? You can't have it both ways, tell her and keep your hands clean since you were part of the reason, you had an A with him. If you did not know he was married and as soon as you found out you ended it immediately, then do talk to her! You did nothing wrong, you were fooled by him. And with that said, no reason to hide this from your friends either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author The secret Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 I knew he was married for about a year. I was going through my divorce and he was a distraction. He kept my secret and I feel like I should keep his. He is back on the dating site and I just feel bad for his wife. I just don't understand how she doesn't know. When I met him I thought he was single and I thought that for 6 months. When I found out he was married I continued to see him for strictly selfish reasons. Now that I see him back on the dating site I feel bad for his wife but I'm not sure I want to get involved. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Are you still seeing him? If not, it's weird that now after so long it bothers you. Because now you see he's on a dating site? But when he was with you, no thoughts of telling her entered your mind. She doesn't know because he's a good liar and a manipulator. You fell for him in a sexual way or whatever, he hid the fact he was married from you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CanJanus Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Why would you tell? If the situation bothers you, then leave. You don't have to destroy a marriage on the way out the door. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 You had the 'balls' to continue the affair, so why not have the 'balls' to tell her the truth yourself? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Appreciate Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Tell her. Her marriage is currently a lie and she should have the opportunity to choose how she wants to move forward in her life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author The secret Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Thanks for all the replies! At this point I am just walking away. Thanks for the helpful advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Thanks for all the replies! At this point I am just walking away. Thanks for the helpful advice. You've already made your decision, but I wanted to post and say I am never in favor of telling the BS. But, I am an OW. IF you were to change your mind, I'd go "old school" and print out his profile from the dating site and snail mail it to her. Are you telling for her benefit? Are you telling to ease your guilt? Are you telling for revenge? It has been 12 years since I was cheated on by my last boyfriend. He married the woman he cheated on me with, but no matter how I try to convince myself he lied to her extensively about being involved, I still hold her 50% responsible for the pain that was caused to me. At some point, she had to know. Because he has been a serial cheater for 30 years, I've actually wondered if she will ever show up on my doorstep with her own sob story and to get knowledge of how it really was. In my mind I say, "He cheated on me with you. Congratulations, you won the prize of him. Now deal with it and get off my doorstep." Link to post Share on other sites
Author The secret Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 If I was going to tell it would be because nobody should be that clueless about their life. Seriously. He didn't use a secret email or a secret phone. How does someone not know? I only really felt guilty when I saw him back on a dating site. I am not sure the emotion was guilt but I felt like damn you are going to cheat on your poor wife forever! Poor girl. As a former BS I just knew something was up. I don't know how this poor wife doesn't know. It blows my mind. I say all of that to say that I am not willing to get involved. If it had been anything other than sex I would probably tell but some secrets are just meant to be kept. You've already made your decision, but I wanted to post and say I am never in favor of telling the BS. But, I am an OW. IF you were to change your mind, I'd go "old school" and print out his profile from the dating site and snail mail it to her. Are you telling for her benefit? Are you telling to ease your guilt? Are you telling for revenge? It has been 12 years since I was cheated on by my last boyfriend. He married the woman he cheated on me with, but no matter how I try to convince myself he lied to her extensively about being involved, I still hold her 50% responsible for the pain that was caused to me. At some point, she had to know. Because he has been a serial cheater for 30 years, I've actually wondered if she will ever show up on my doorstep with her own sob story and to get knowledge of how it really was. In my mind I say, "He cheated on me with you. Congratulations, you won the prize of him. Now deal with it and get off my doorstep." Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I would tell. She deserves to know the truth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Don't tell. Move on. If he contacts you again, different story. The last place you need is to be in someone else's marriage. I couldn't disagree with the tell the wife advice more. Why hurt her? She'll find out sooner or later if she doesn't already know. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 So I've been sleeping with a MM for a year and a half. It's been casual, no strings,etc. This wasn't some great love affair. When I first met him I did not know he was married I discovered it through social media. I also found his wife. She has no idea her husband is on a dating site. Well I decided the fun sex isn't worth the guilt. Do I tell the wife? I am leaning towards no but I was just curious about others opinions and I can't ask my friends. From your perspective, what process is furthered by disclosure and why do you feel such a process is furthered by disclosure? IMO, if you decide to disclose, don't 'tell'; 'show'. Verifiable evidence only. No discussion or opinion. Expect the current dynamic to change/end. Good luck. fMM here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Don't tell. Move on. If he contacts you again, different story. The last place you need is to be in someone else's marriage. I couldn't disagree with the tell the wife advice more. Why hurt her? She'll find out sooner or later if she doesn't already know. OP. I was blindsided by my husband's date site activities. She might not know for a VERY long time if no one shows her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Seems the OP wants to tell his wife that he's on a dating site, not about her affair with him. She wants his wife to know the truth, wants him to get caught but doesn't want to own her part in helping him cheat on his wife or admit the affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 She does deserve to know the truth. Honestly, though, you slept with the guy for a year knowing he was married. If you want to be stand-up about it, you'd make yourself known, instead of being anonymous about it. She just won't see it as you doing her a favor at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 (edited) Why would you tell? If the situation bothers you, then leave. You don't have to destroy a marriage on the way out the door. He is the one distroying his marriage, op was part of that distruction but her honesty will give BS a gift of choice and knowledge. Edited January 30, 2014 by krazikat Link to post Share on other sites
Author The secret Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Seems the OP wants to tell his wife that he's on a dating site, not about her affair with him. She wants his wife to know the truth, wants him to get caught but doesn't want to own her part in helping him cheat on his wife or admit the affair. This is exactly it. I have no desire for the wife to know about me but I do want her to know. Seriously I don't think I have a part in helping him cheat. Yes I cheated with him but I didn't know when we started out that he was married. Thanks for all the replies. I would tell if I can figure out a way to do it without it coming back to me. The reason I would do it is that clearly the wife is clueless. This is a hard decision to make so thanks for all the replies. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 This is exactly it. I have no desire for the wife to know about me but I do want her to know. Seriously I don't think I have a part in helping him cheat. Yes I cheated with him but I didn't know when we started out that he was married. Thanks for all the replies. I would tell if I can figure out a way to do it without it coming back to me. The reason I would do it is that clearly the wife is clueless. This is a hard decision to make so thanks for all the replies. But you DID continue your affair with him for a while after you found out he was married. You didn't end it immediately and walk away. At least you're being honest about not wanting to deal with your part in this. Lots of people never want to own up because they are afraid of fallout and having to face their actions and decisions... Just my 2 cents, but if you truly feel that badly for his wife, you'd admit your part in this and apologize to her directly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author The secret Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 But you DID continue your affair with him for a while after you found out he was married. You didn't end it immediately and walk away. At least you're being honest about not wanting to deal with your part in this. Lots of people never want to own up because they are afraid of fallout and having to face their actions and decisions... Just my 2 cents, but if you truly feel that badly for his wife, you'd admit your part in this and apologize to her directly. I don't feel bad about sleeping with her husband I do feel bad that she is clueless. I wasn't the first and I won't be the last. It is just a shame for this poor wife to not know. I don't think I owe her an apology. What exactly would I apologize for? I didn't seek him out, don't know her, didn't do anything to her. I was a BS and I divorced him over the same thing. In my opionion the person who cheats is the only one who should be apologizing. It would be a totally different situation if I sought him out then we had a passionate affair with love and rainbows; I should apologize then but their marriage was trash long before I showed up. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 If you didn't seek him out, how did you find him on a dating site? Link to post Share on other sites
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