wife left me after 20 years

[charlieb]

Yesterday I told my wife of 20 years to leave. I have put up for over a year with her staying out 6 to 7 days a week going out dancing with her friends . She would roll in at 2,3,4am in the morning. Buying clothes almost everyday. Many years ago she said she had difficulty making friends and blamed that on me.

 

Over a year ago we went dancing and a line dancing place. At first we go for the lesson and then stay until 11:00pm I do dance well however we would dance slow dances and she would dane line dancing. ( She took 15 years of ballet lessons and is a super dancer). I would read something between dances. After 10pm the music got very loud and hurt my ears. I am a pilot (not airline) and my hearing is a little damaged from jet engines.

 

Well she met other teacher friends that danced which I was happy for her. For over a year the late nights and I accepted it because she had friends--- Am i a chump?

 

She dropped the bomb about a month ago "I love you ... I an mot in love with you"

I need my space and want a divorce. She says she is not seeing anyone. She said she was confused. I looked up female midlife crisis and every box is checked off--She is the poster child of FMLC. Her father thinks she off the deep end.

 

I tried the "37" way to act for about two weeks.

 

She will not go to counseling because a 6 years ago she asked me to go to counseling and I said "no" , I never remember anything ever said anything like that.

 

So last Monday she rolled in at 1:30 am and I had enough and asked her to sit down.

 

I asked her "do you want to wnat to be with be" her answer was she stick around until you new project takes off. Not wanted I wanted to hear. With a couple more questions I told her she needed have her and all of her things out by Feb 4th.

 

The next morning The next morning she got more defiant and I said she cannot sleep her any more.

 

That night she never came to pack a bag. I changed the locks as I do not know if she had a boyfriend would show up an vandelize the house ( I am the deed holder Prenup)

 

Today the police let in the house and she was in the garage putting item from a firesafe into a bag ( all her papers)

 

I told that I am ok with her leaving as I do not deserve her I deserve better. We said a couple things and the she agreed to sit down and talk. We had the most honest talk we ever had and we both cried. I think we both had a very emotional moment.

 

She said also want to keep working on both projects/ businesses with me and stay invloved. I did a stupid thing and asked her do we have any chance getting back together, she said very little. ( is a little better than nothing or was she just trying a apease me) The rest time that she was putting things in the car we were joking and were very pleasant that I have not seen in many months. WE actually hugged and she held me instead of being like a cold fish.

 

She said bye see you later.

 

So as of today out on her own thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. I think she will find it is full of weeds.

 

What do you think? For 20 years I was devoted to her and now I have been destroyed.

 

Am I just asking for more dissapointment? Why would she want to work side by side me and not get paid for her work.

 

Help me here?

[SarahMay]

It sounds like you would be digging yourself into more trouble then what it's worth. I would suggest walking about and starting fresh, don't hurt yourself more then you have. I could only imagine how hard it is but sometimes something just isn't there, and if you spend all your time and energy focussing on finding that you may pass up a oppertunity for pure happiness. I would leave it take a small holiday and do something you have always wanted to but have been held back from your relationship.

[charlieb]

Thanks Sara,

The vacation would be great however one product is to launch in two weeks.

 

As a female why would she want to leave me and the same moment want to be a part of the patent and the project? She is not getting paid. And she no money value on the patent even though she has credit.

 

Her father thinks she flipped out and in the deep end.

 

On MLK day she puppy dogged me all day.

 

Is she just a nut case from hormones and bad divorced girlfriends?

[strive]

I think there's more to this story because we don't know your wife's side of the story. She had difficulty making friends? She asked you for counseling 6 years ago and you don't remember? Maybe there's some unhappiness that's been brewing for years and you didn't notice until she started dancing.

[charlieb]

yes even to this day she will not tell me what is. Why she is upset, "it has gone on too long" what? Too difficult to explain to me ; however she tells all of her friends. The only thing I have been told is that I walk out of the house when I go talk to the neighbors and do not lock the front door. I have lived in this town most of my life when it was 20,000 people, it is a ranching and grape growing city. She has locked the door when I take the garbage out to the curb that is 30 feet away. And locked me out because I did not have my keys. There is no traffic on the street. Her parents still live in the house she drew up in Seattle on the north end and it is very quit, no bars on the windows, etc. Not locking the front door is the only reason I am being given for all of this.

 

If she said we had to go to counseling like face to face and say "charlie we nee to go to counseling our marriage is in trouble charlie we need this now" I would go and remember. She said she asked many times. I have an excellent memory and asking many times as she said happened did not happen. We do not fight only once we had a bad argument about 6 years ago and in te heat of the moment i think I told her if she can move back to Seattle. Nothing after that . Now she is using that for her rational. She did say she buy a book for herself on relationships, how does equate to telling me to go to counseling. She never talked ofr showed me the book.

 

If she said she said we need to go to counseling at any time she must have been ready to discuss everything in front of me, why will she not give thre right of closure to tell me now?

 

 

These dancing friends are divorced man hating teachers, and giving her all this advice. She said to me that not remembering is normal "guys do that". That is not how she talks and how many guys does she meet to come up with that knowledge. She is being coached by someone making me look bad.

[rosedl]

In my own experience, and often with the women I know, women give

everything in a relationship until they deem it is futile and they check out.

Then, when they actually start to separate and divest of the relationship

and eventually leave....the men are shocked that they no longer want

to be in it.

 

I spent years with guys who wouldn't commit, guys who showed little

interest in me after the initial infatuation stage. I tried everything to

make the relationship work. I was the emotional caretaker of the

relationship. I wouldn't play that role anymore and I would not vest

in these situations now. But, then, I would move the earth and stars

to make it work. Finally (I was dense), I would realize that nothing

I did made any difference, so I set about moving forward with me life

and turning away from the relationship. I would then leave. And, when

I was done, I was done.

 

They were stunned. How could I? I left them! Shocked and betrayed.

It didn't matter they treated me lousy, ignored me, and openly resented

me, I was their security blanket and person to mistreat. The next phase

was finally acknowledging the stuff I came to them with years before

and wanting to work on it. It was WAY too late for that....And, the best

part, they would feel victimized.

 

I fully realize that these were not healthy relationships now, and

I am changing the way I behave in relationships and making boundaries

and being honest with myself in entirely new ways.

 

From what I see...women will put everything they have into a relationship

and try to make it work. Men expect that the woman will continue to

act that way forever (why wouldn't they expect it, it is what they have

always experienced) and they don't take seriously the issues that they

bring to them, the hurt, the expression of their needs. Often, a man

will feel relieved when a woman hits the silent stage and stops 'nagging'.

Clueless. The last thing that a man should feel in this stage is relief,

if he wants to keep the woman around. The silence is just indicative

of her giving up and it will be followed by her putting her energy

outside the relationship and creating a separate life that fulfills her needs.

And, then, she leaves.

[Gunny376]

As has been pointed out? It's 160% your fault the marriage failed!

 

Didn't you know your absolutely 100% responsible for your wife's happiness and bliss I'm life?

 

When a man cheats on a woman? Its his fault!

 

When a woman cheats on a man? Its STILL his FAULT!

 

DUMP HER AND MOVE ON! NO CONTACT EXCEPT THROUGH YOUR ATTORNEY

 

Best of luck!

[Chi townD]

Dude, when someone in a relationship uses I love you but I'm not IN love with you speech, that is classic textbook that she's seeing someone else. 9 times out of 10, there's another dude if she used the ILYBINILWY speech. I'd bet my paycheck on it.

 

You can look and you'll find out the truth. But, don't ask her about it, she'll just deny and deny. And if you discover someone else, she'll just tell you that this person isn't the reason why we're getting divorced. Uh huh....yeah. Right.

 

But, rolling in at 3 or 4 in the morning? Dude, most clubs close at 2 AM. What's she doing the rest of the time?

[RuralGuy]

Why would she want to work side by side me and not get paid for her work.

 

 

So that when you get divorced she can claim partial equity ownership in your business because of all the unpaid work. Get a lawyer's opinion.

 

 

I am so cynical.

[Tripz]

Man, Wolverine, I felt like you were describing me and my exact situation. Wow!

[whichwayisup]

Hire a PI or ask a trusted friend to follow her. Trust me, there is someone else. MLC or not, the "i love you but i'm not in love with speech" means she's either met someone else and is having an EA (emotional affair) or on the verge of one getting more serious. That is, unless it's already a physical affair.

 

20 years of marriage, it's totally inappropriate of her to go out so late night after night. I can understand once in a while, but so many times a week?

 

Do you two have children? Sorry if you've answered this already, not sure if I saw if you did have kids.

[Scott Thomas]

I agree with whichwayisup.

 

1. If she wants a divorce, give it to her. Do not dither or try to win her back. Hire a shark (lawyer) and go berserk on her. She wants to be single. Well that comes with no house, little alimony, shared custody, paying her own bills, finding her own job and solving her problems on her own. Once she quits her marriage, you are no longer there for her. Her life is her problem now. Period.

 

2. Hire a PI. There's a very good chance that this is a 'the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side' case and she's met someone else. You should have stepped in once she started going clubbing 2 in the morning. Her new friends are only egging her on. It's very likely that she has had/is in an affair. Check phone records, bank receipts etc. Collect any evidence of an extra-marital affair. If she is having one, take the evidence and tell her parents/close friends/ the other man's wife or girlfriend/ your close friends/ the school if he's a teacher, etc. Burst her little bubble.

 

3. Check the 180 and start practicing it. No contact unless the issue concerns your children. Her problems are no longer your problems.

 

4. Continue with your life. Get a new hobby, go out with friends. Once the divorce is final, start seeing someone else. The goal here is to make her see what's she's missing. Once she sees you happy and moving on with someone else, she'll come running back.

[RuralGuy]

Continue with your life. Get a new hobby, go out with friends. Once the divorce is final, start seeing someone else. The goal here is to make her see what's she's missing. Once she sees you happy and moving on with someone else, she'll come running back.

 

 

 

I disagree.

 

 

The goal is for *him* to be happy, irrespective of her feelings.

 

 

The goal is for *him* to no longer care for this woman so that what she feels about him being happy, is irrelevant to him.

 

 

"she'll come running back"? Why would he want that, after the emotional/financial pain that she's put him through, and will continue to put him through?

[sidney2718]

In my own experience, and often with the women I know, women give

everything in a relationship until they deem it is futile and they check out.

Then, when they actually start to separate and divest of the relationship

and eventually leave....the men are shocked that they no longer want

to be in it.

 

I spent years with guys who wouldn't commit, guys who showed little

interest in me after the initial infatuation stage. I tried everything to

make the relationship work. I was the emotional caretaker of the

relationship. I wouldn't play that role anymore and I would not vest

in these situations now. But, then, I would move the earth and stars

to make it work. Finally (I was dense), I would realize that nothing

I did made any difference, so I set about moving forward with me life

and turning away from the relationship. I would then leave. And, when

I was done, I was done.

 

They were stunned. How could I? I left them! Shocked and betrayed.

It didn't matter they treated me lousy, ignored me, and openly resented

me, I was their security blanket and person to mistreat. The next phase

was finally acknowledging the stuff I came to them with years before

and wanting to work on it. It was WAY too late for that....And, the best

part, they would feel victimized.

 

I fully realize that these were not healthy relationships now, and

I am changing the way I behave in relationships and making boundaries

and being honest with myself in entirely new ways.

 

From what I see...women will put everything they have into a relationship

and try to make it work. Men expect that the woman will continue to

act that way forever (why wouldn't they expect it, it is what they have

always experienced) and they don't take seriously the issues that they

bring to them, the hurt, the expression of their needs. Often, a man

will feel relieved when a woman hits the silent stage and stops 'nagging'.

Clueless. The last thing that a man should feel in this stage is relief,

if he wants to keep the woman around. The silence is just indicative

of her giving up and it will be followed by her putting her energy

outside the relationship and creating a separate life that fulfills her needs.

And, then, she leaves.

 

As a guy I can say that you are absolutely right and absolutely wrong. There is very often a failure to communicate. Men and women often speak different languages and very often speak right past each other.

 

To give an extreme example: some women communicate via facial expressions, hand waves, and general remarks. Men often simply don't get that. Women can throw themselves into housework while wishing that the man would help. He on the other hand sees someone who really enjoys housework and sees no reason to interfere. Yes. Seriously.

 

Another example: a wife could say "the kitchen sink is draining very slowly." The man says "OK. Maybe I'll look at it this weekend". She is saying that there's an emergency only she doesn't SAY there is an emergency. He does not hear emergency, he only hears about the onset of a problem that doesn't need immediate attention. She has clearly indicated emergency to anyone with a functioning brain, or so she thinks.

 

Women need to know how to do man speak as in: "Man, go fix sink NOW". And men have to learn to listen to the emotion in addition to the words.

 

One can't be on this board for long without understanding that miscommunication goes on all the time, mostly the fault of the men. But it doesn't matter who is a fault. What matters is how to fix it before what Rose says above happens. By then it is too late.

[rosedl]

As a guy I can say that you are absolutely right and absolutely wrong. There is very often a failure to communicate. Men and women often speak different languages and very often speak right past each other.

 

To give an extreme example: some women communicate via facial expressions, hand waves, and general remarks. Men often simply don't get that. Women can throw themselves into housework while wishing that the man would help. He on the other hand sees someone who really enjoys housework and sees no reason to interfere. Yes. Seriously.

"Another example: a wife could say "the kitchen sink is draining very slowly." The man says "OK. Maybe I'll look at it this weekend". She is saying that there's an emergency only she doesn't SAY there is an emergency. He does not hear emergency, he only hears about the onset of a problem that doesn't need immediate attention. She has clearly indicated emergency to anyone with a functioning brain, or so she thinks.

 

Women need to know how to do man speak as in: "Man, go fix sink NOW". And men have to learn to listen to the emotion in addition to the words.

 

One can't be on this board for long without understanding that miscommunication goes on all the time, mostly the fault of the men. But it doesn't matter who is a fault. What matters is how to fix it before what Rose says above happens. By then it is too late."

 

Sidney,

 

I agree with the different communication styles, but in my experience, I have drawn it on a blackboard and tried every which way possible and it had NO effect until I left. I was dismissed. I was given reassurance of change that never occurred. I received apologies and on occasion, gifts. I did not receive any action beyond a very short term effort to address the issues that ceased in less then a couple of weeks. And, if I brought it up again, I was a nag and all my flaws would be pointed out in defense rather then addressing the issue.

 

I am disillusioned at this point in my life. I try very hard in my relationships, I really work to own my own stuff and make repairs, if I make mistakes. I try to consider my partners needs. No man with me ever could complain about lack of sex or affection. I am not perfect, but I do really try. And, in my experience, it seems that men once they receive what they say they want lose interest after their chase is done. I think it is why women who are bitches to their partners actually get treated better because the men are always trying to win them in some way.

[Radu]

rose, if you see a trend in these men over time, it's most likely you because nobody forced these men on you. You chose them, just like a good number of the men here have chosen their women, it was bad choices but they were nevertheless choices.

Asking/hoping/expecting for the pool of men to change will have you waiting untill the Sun goes supernova.

 

yes even to this day she will not tell me what is. Why she is upset, "it has gone on too long" what? Too difficult to explain to me ; however she tells all of her friends. The only thing I have been told is that I walk out of the house when I go talk to the neighbors and do not lock the front door. I have lived in this town most of my life when it was 20,000 people, it is a ranching and grape growing city. She has locked the door when I take the garbage out to the curb that is 30 feet away. And locked me out because I did not have my keys. There is no traffic on the street. Her parents still live in the house she drew up in Seattle on the north end and it is very quit, no bars on the windows, etc. Not locking the front door is the only reason I am being given for all of this.

That's a very ****ty reason; she either has someone else or she is trying to desperately find fault with you.

I remember reading something up on Seattle in my net browsing, about the Seattle 'freeze', could that have put her in a position where she made friends hard in a small town where everyone knows everyone else ?

It might explain how she got into this unhealthy group of friends and why she feels she has to hold onto them.

 

If she said we had to go to counseling like face to face and say "charlie we nee to go to counseling our marriage is in trouble charlie we need this now" I would go and remember. She said she asked many times. I have an excellent memory and asking many times as she said happened did not happen. We do not fight only once we had a bad argument about 6 years ago and in te heat of the moment i think I told her if she can move back to Seattle. Nothing after that . Now she is using that for her rational. She did say she buy a book for herself on relationships, how does equate to telling me to go to counseling. She never talked ofr showed me the book.

If she needs a reason, anything will do.

My cousin got divorced because he did not bring a rose to his wife in the hospital when he got the call at work about her going into labour.

Needless to say, we later found out how mommy and sister dearest 'helped' her to see clarity and decide on divorce.

 

If she said she said we need to go to counseling at any time she must have been ready to discuss everything in front of me, why will she not give thre right of closure to tell me now?

 

 

These dancing friends are divorced man hating teachers, and giving her all this advice. She said to me that not remembering is normal "guys do that". That is not how she talks and how many guys does she meet to come up with that knowledge. She is being coached by someone making me look bad.

Because she probably doesn't know herself why, but she feels she has to.

And probably because she decided to go with the feeling over the logic, while being egged on by her close friends.

 

I think you need to do a few things :

- get a lawyer's opinion on her being involved in the new project and with his help start working on the divorce proceedings

- do not try to be her friend long term, for now play the part ...

Her request has 2 motivations, on one side you are being kept on the backburner, and on the other side she gets to feel less guilt over what she is doing.

If you stop 'being friends' with her and treat it seriously as a business transaction before you get your ducks in a row, the dynamic will change ... in the sense that having you in that position creates a sense of control in her.

- blood is thicker than water, expect her family to eventually side with her

- if you can, hire a PI ... it will give you closure and it might also give ammo for D or to use to knock her off her soapbox

 

I don't think you can save this, but if there is a chance to save it ... you will get it when she starts seeing you going NC with her and filing for Divorce, going full business on her.

If she starts rethinking the situation and seriously pulling the reconcilliation wagon, you might have a shot ... but you can't be the one who either forgives without some way of jumping through hoops [because your love ain't cheap], or pulls heavily for reconcilliation.