Hidden Momentos from his Ex... Keep or...?

[Anne Boleyn]

Blame it on my love of taking pictures, but we're a "picture" family... We take and have lots and lots of pictures all over the place and, as a result, we get a lot of pictures in picture frames from the "kids." I say that in quotes because none of them are of an age where they'd buy them or put them together themselves... Either I or his ex, the former BS, buy them and give them on behalf of the kids. Even when it's clearly from the ex, we still accept and display the pictures of the kids, for obvious reasons, and because, like I said, we love our house drenched in family pictures. The general philosophy for us has been that regardless of the source, we're happy to get them.

 

Today, I was re-arraigning picture frames when one of the frames that has a picture of the two kids he had with his ex that was given "from the kids" (but actually put together by his ex) for Father's Day a couple years ago just kind of fell apart... The back fell out, so the glass and picture fell out. No big deal, but that's when I noticed, the picture had a huge, long letter from his ex on the back. It was dated for 6/20/2010, after the divorce/separation and we were living together, and it was 2 days before I went into labor with our child... So clearly after the chips had fallen as a result of the affair, etc, and it was no secret the marriage was over and they were done.

 

However, it was still deep in the midst of his ex's "he's still coming back" phase where she was acting supremely out-of-control... I think it was the same month she'd gotten into our house with a key she took off his keyring and stole baby items and I know it was about 2-3 days after she'd rammed our car while we were driving through a parking lot after we suspect following us for a period of time... The second of four such instances... So it was a crazy time where she was operating with pretty clear motivations.

 

Anyway, the note says:

 

"Happy Father's Day! (Child's name) picked the frame and the picture out just for you. We love you and we hope this picture stays in this frame for all you (sic) Father's Day. Thank you for being their father and for loving them with all you can. We love you very much and I know this won't be our last Father's Day as a family. I love you and I know you will come home to us soon and we can go on the way God intended us to be. I have faith in you and God that you see where you need to be. Happy Father's Day! Love always (signature, sans kids names)"

 

We've had this picture in our house since he got it back for Father's Day and we genuinely never knew that there was a letter on the back of the picture. If the frame hadn't had the back fall out, we still wouldn't know. It wouldn't occur to either of us to check for such a thing... Honestly, if it had, we'd have probably caught this awhile ago.

 

Now we're kind of disagreeing about what to do with it.

 

I say that it's not a big deal. A picture of the kids is a picture of the kids and while it's incredibly unlikely that the kids chose the frame or the picture (it's not a flattering picture persay but it was obviously taken in her house), I feel like there's no need to take it down, despite what's written on the back. And I feel like, if it weren't for stupid luck, we'd have never known the note was there. It'd just been another picture of the kids.

 

He says that it's a picture of the kids, but because the note was from a really bad time and it was all part of this subversive behavior at the time, knowing it's there on the other side of the picture kind of ruins it for him. It's not a picture of the kids but another vehicle that she used to "get into" our house, as it were. And I do think he's right, I think that during that window she'd write letters to him, long, long letters, or give him greeting cards and stick them in a pocket or through an open car window. Honestly, other than the greeting cards he'd get slipped to him on holidays or other random times when she was driven to do so, I don't really remember it clearly. He seems to remember it really clearly, though. He says he'd like to keep the frame, but put another picture in there instead.

 

As far as the kids go, we change pictures out of frames all the time, so they'd either not notice or not be offended, especially if we just put another picture of them in it. And neither of them remember we got this frame as a gift from them for Father's Day.

 

So what are we thinking? No big deal, or the behavior of a former BW who's trying to establish a presence and mark her territory in a house that isn't hers?

 

As a side note, he checked the back of pictures he got "from the kids" that he has up at work that he got during 2010-2012 and they all had similar notes. He took them down and replaced them with other pictures of the kids that I took over the years because the kids don't see his desk often and, since it's his space, it seems logical he'd do what he wants to make it comfortable. The next day she confronted him at work in tears asking where the pictures went, how much it hurt to go by his desk and see that the pictures "of their life together" were gone, asking if he threw them away, and saying that if he was going to throw them away, she wanted the pictures back so she could hang them in her work area instead. He didn't answer where the pictures went, and she spent the rest of the day crying quite publicly because "her husband was trying to take her out of his life" and "he's acting like he doesn't care about their history."

 

Using pictures is an expression/weapon of hers, I think. Her office area is all pictures of her, him, and the kids, wedding pictures, and honeymoon pictures. And at her home, it's much the same, including a pillow printed with their wedding picture she has on her bed. I have her blocked on social media and do not visit her page, but I guess her profile picture is their wedding picture. The affair was 6 years ago, the divorce 5.

Edited January 30, 2014 by Anne Boleyn

[Grumpybutfun]

Since it is his children, his ex wife and his drama, it is his choice what to do with the photo. Ironic that you two see it as her worming her way into your home since it is obvious that you wormed your way into theirs. Okay for you but not his ex wife and mother of his children? Maybe you need to just let him handle his family.

Grumps

Edited January 30, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[whereamigoing]

I'd just scan the photos and reprint them. Then either discard the originals or return them to her. She clearly has not come to terms with how things are and that much reality might be good for her, or terrible, depending on her emotional stability. Also scanning them gives you a permanent copy and you can display in a digital photo frame which are pretty cool.

[rumbleseat]

Some of the post doesn't make any sense to me, and there are some huge double standards going on.

 

For one thing, how do you know about what is in her home? How does she find out all the informations she does about you so she can intrude into your life? Is she getting it from her kids, is she hacking into your computer somehow, is she getting it from your husband? Some of it seems really specific. Where is it coming from?

 

About the pictures, if you don't really need the ones she gave him, then give them back to her. They are pictures of her kids and her life, and I can see how she would want them back.

 

As for her behaviour at work, while it may not be very professional, it is understandable. Of course it hurts her to see that he places such little. Ale on the time they were together. Wouldn't you hurt too if you found yourself in her position?

 

When's he was breaking I to your home, ramming your car, etc. a few years ago, what did the police do about it ? Were they able to encourage her to get some help?

[cocorico]

If it disturbs him, let him get rid of them. I'd agree with scanning the images, before getting rid of the originals with the notes, in case anyone has a particular attachment to the image itself. But I'd be guided by him on this.

 

When we moved into his house, his xW had been living alone in it for a year previously. She left it in a complete tip, rubbish everywhere and disgustingly filthy. She also pointedly left a big box of photos, cards and letters she'd hoarded over the decades on the landing. He wanted to throw the entire thing on the bonfire, but is sorted through it and salvaged some nice pix of the kids and extended family members and even the best one of her for their study. I thought it might be important to them later on to have pictures to refer back to from that time, even though they of course chucked the photos in a drawer and covered the walls in posters, but the pix are still there if they ever want them. (The photos of H were all awful - he looked depressed, isolated, unrecognisable, so I was quite fine with him destroying all of those.) He found the bonfire of "their life" very therapeutic and if your H feels the same need to exorcise his xW from his life, I'd acknowledge that need and not block it.

[GreySkyMorning]

Some of the post doesn't make any sense to me, and there are some huge double standards going on.

 

For one thing, how do you know about what is in her home? How does she find out all the informations she does about you so she can intrude into your life? Is she getting it from her kids, is she hacking into your computer somehow, is she getting it from your husband? Some of it seems really specific. Where is it coming from?

 

About the pictures, if you don't really need the ones she gave him, then give them back to her. They are pictures of her kids and her life, and I can see how she would want them back.

 

As for her behaviour at work, while it may not be very professional, it is understandable. Of course it hurts her to see that he places such little. Ale on the time they were together. Wouldn't you hurt too if you found yourself in her position?

 

When's he was breaking I to your home, ramming your car, etc. a few years ago, what did the police do about it ? Were they able to encourage her to get some help?

 

I really hope the encouragement came in the form of a trip to jail for a while.

[Anne Boleyn]

Since it is his children, his ex wife and his drama, it is his choice what to do with the photo.

 

I guess ultimately it is his, I just was curious if others would feel the same way about removing it, or if people would generally consider it no big deal. Seeing as we are married and I live here too, I didn't think that me having an opinion on it is so out of left field.

 

 

Actually I said I just viewed it as innocuous and didn't really care. He saw it as a pattern of behavior in territory marking which she's displayed in the past and a reflection from an unstable period of time to begin with, as such, wanted to remove it. If she has notes written on every picture is neither here nor there to me... He just said it reminded him of a bad time and this is a pattern of behavior that we think she uses to kind of "one up" the situation.

 

As far as her "worming into my home," my husband views it more that way than I do. Again, I think it's silly little things that she does to feel better, that doesn't impact us, and is of no consequence.

 

Though it raises an interesting question... I'm to believe that because we had an affair, he got divorced, then we got married, that if his ex wife/former BS wants to try and, as you put it, "worm her way into our home," that it's OK? The original affair is bad, but attempts to have an affair/break up the household of an ex who had an affair on you for years and years after the event is OK? If this was a situation that caused actual disruption in the household, that would be justified because the BS is allowed to have such influence because of her prior claim?

 

As for "letting him handle his family," that's not exactly how we operate... There's not his family and then us, or his family and my family... We've blended it all together and his family is by extension and marriage now part of my family as well. So I can't just sit back and say it's none of my business because, A, he wouldn't allow it, but B, things that go on in my home are by default part of my business and something that I have a part in handling.

[Anne Boleyn]

I'd just scan the photos and reprint them. Then either discard the originals or return them to her. She clearly has not come to terms with how things are and that much reality might be good for her, or terrible, depending on her emotional stability. Also scanning them gives you a permanent copy and you can display in a digital photo frame which are pretty cool.

 

Good tip... I'd actually thought of scanning the picture as well, but I'm not sure if now the actual physical picture with the note is the problem for my husband, or now the whole package. Something to run by him, I think. Thank you!

[Anne Boleyn]

Some of the post doesn't make any sense to me, and there are some huge double standards going on.

 

Well, I'd be happy to answer some questions if you have them, but personally, I'm not quite sure what you're thinking of...

 

For one thing, how do you know about what is in her home? How does she find out all the informations she does about you so she can intrude into your life? Is she getting it from her kids, is she hacking into your computer somehow, is she getting it from your husband? Some of it seems really specific. Where is it coming from?

 

We know what's in her home because when he goes to pick up the kids, he can see some of it through the door. She lives in a small space, the same place they lived when they were married and before they had kids, so much of her living area is visible from the doorway. Beyond that, there was an incident where she was dating a 17-year-old high school student and former co-worker/intern to both her and my husband and she broke up with him, which he didn't take well as it was his first sexual relationship, and so in an effort to cause problems, he sent me and my husband a huge long email about various things, included in which was about how she had all these pictures of them up "for the kids," but he felt it was something else. Shortly after, the 17 year old's parents confronted me via email and my husband at work to tell us that she needed to steer clear of their son or they'd call the police. One of the things they mentioned was they picked up and dropped off their son from her house/apartment often under the guise of being the babysitter and they didn't suspect her of anything because she still had so many "tributes" to my husband around her house, but now that they know, they take that behavior as a sign that she's capable of being obsessive and thus the reason they were contacting us.

 

As for the personal information, I'm not quite sure what personal information that it is you're referring to...? Can you be specific? The instances in this post I think were borne of her following us for a period of time. We lived in an area where it'd be easy to do so... We were the first house on a side street by a fairly busy community road, one could easily drive by without being noticed because of the volume of traffic and see if one or both of us were home by counting cars in the driveway.

 

About the pictures, if you don't really need the ones she gave him, then give them back to her. They are pictures of her kids and her life, and I can see how she would want them back.

 

The work pictures are the ones he dealt with, not me... I think taking them down because they were his space at work is reasonable, but I'm honestly not sure what he did with them... I didn't ask. I suspect if they're in his desk, she will go into it and take them out on her own.

 

As for her behavior at work, while it may not be very professional, it is understandable. Of course it hurts her to see that he places such little. Ale on the time they were together. Wouldn't you hurt too if you found yourself in her position?

 

Honestly, it's been 6 years since my divorce and I'd think that my ex husband had long since removed any and all pictures I wrote notes on... And since he took the pictures out and replaced them with other pictures of the kids, I'm not really buying the "erasing of their life together" argument. To me, that'd mean he'd be taking down the pictures of the kids and replacing them with other pictures, which wasn't the case. He actually went so far as to replace picture for picture, as in, if the picture had child A, he put a newer picture of child A in, if it had child A and B, he put a picture of child A and B in.

 

Truthfully, I think she knew that the pictures had notes on them and it gave her either comfort or satisfaction in knowing that pictures she gave him were on his desk, and that the pictures had these intimate notes.

 

We had a similar melt down when he put up a picture of me and when he put up a picture that was him and all of his children. The first because it was offensive and hurtful to her (and he took it down... 6 years later he still doesn't have a picture of me up to keep from provoking her, which doesn't bother me... Anything to keep the peace and make work easier), the second because it was a "family picture" of somebody who "isn't part of the family" taken by me. That one he didn't take down, though she puts it face down whenever she goes by his desk and he isn't there.

 

When's he was breaking I to your home, ramming your car, etc. a few years ago, what did the police do about it ? Were they able to encourage her to get some help?

 

When she broke into our home, we told the police that we thought somebody had broken in using a stolen key, and we requested we be put on the house check list, where they drive by your house twice ever 8 hour shift. We live in a smaller town, right in the town area about a mile from the police department and this is something our police department offers, so it was no big deal. My husband didn't want the police to come to the house and he didn't want to have CPS involved, which probably would have happened. When she rammed the car, we actually didn't have a chance to call the police until the last time, though this particular incident somebody else did. She said it was a "minor accident" caused because she wasn't paying attention while she was trying to flag us down and accidentally hit us. They dismissed it and never came to interview us. The final occasion, though, we did call the police and again, she said it was an accident. It was a he said, she said, so they told us to take it up with our insurance and said that there wasn't much that could be done.

 

It was actually the court that gave her references to get help as they determined she wasn't fit to be primary or sole guardian of the kids and her father, who we both have a good relationship with, who said she needed help... Though she hasn't taken anybody up on it as of yet. She and her mother both say she's fine.

[Art_Critic]

With all then history to me is seems simple, toss the letter and put the picture back, but if he wants it gone then a replacement is in order.

 

Moved on is moved on and when faced with something like this that wasn't his doing the answer is 'water off a ducks back' and continue on your day.

[Anne Boleyn]

If it disturbs him, let him get rid of them. I'd agree with scanning the images, before getting rid of the originals with the notes, in case anyone has a particular attachment to the image itself. But I'd be guided by him on this.

 

Yeah, I'm going to float the scanning idea by him. That may work, though again, I'm not sure if the whole thing is now tainted or if it's just an issue of that specific picture.

 

When we moved into his house, his xW had been living alone in it for a year previously. She left it in a complete tip, rubbish everywhere and disgustingly filthy. She also pointedly left a big box of photos, cards and letters she'd hoarded over the decades on the landing. He wanted to throw the entire thing on the bonfire, but is sorted through it and salvaged some nice pix of the kids and extended family members and even the best one of her for their study. I thought it might be important to them later on to have pictures to refer back to from that time, even though they of course chucked the photos in a drawer and covered the walls in posters, but the pix are still there if they ever want them. (The photos of H were all awful - he looked depressed, isolated, unrecognisable, so I was quite fine with him destroying all of those.) He found the bonfire of "their life" very therapeutic and if your H feels the same need to exorcise his xW from his life, I'd acknowledge that need and not block it.

 

Yeah, I just thought this was kind of touchy because it's the kids. I didn't know if the kid factor made taking it out unreasonable or bad, considering it did have it's roots in the kids, or if the ex wife factor overrode them. He is insistent that he thinks that the genuineness of the picture is gone now because he knows it was just another way to try and sneak a note in. I think we have other pictures "from the kids" in the house as well, but I haven't checked the back of the pictures and neither has he... Me because I don't think it's important and him because I don't know that he remembers which are ours and which were given by the kids.

 

When my husband picked up his stuff from her house, which she is still returning in fits and starts, she also included a box filled with love letters, trinkets, etc. My husband found it and chucked them all, before putting the box in storage. About a week after she texted me to say that she'd "accidentally" sent the box filled with all their anniversary gifts and love letters by mistake, she wanted me to retrieve them and have him return them to her. I had no idea she'd done so because he just saw them and threw them out and didn't think to mention it. I brought it up, he said he'd seen what the box was and just threw it away after quickly rifling through it and seeing what it was. He told her and she flipped out because apparently she'd put a diamond ring he'd given her in one of the envelopes as well as a necklace and now it was gone, gone, gone.

[Anne Boleyn]

I really hope the encouragement came in the form of a trip to jail for a while.

 

No, they told her to go to in-patient counseling which she said she couldn't afford to do. She brought us to court to say we should pay for it, but because her father had said that she had preexisting issues before the divorce, and because our divorce was a no-fault divorce, it was not ordered. Jail was mentioned the final time she hit our car, but as a "if what they said is true, we could send you to jail" sort of empty threat. She wouldn't admit to doing it intentionally, the only proof we had was her saying so, which she said she didn't. It became he said, she said, and that was the end of it.

[Anne Boleyn]

With all then history to me is seems simple, toss the letter and put the picture back, but if he wants it gone then a replacement is in order.

 

Moved on is moved on and when faced with something like this that wasn't his doing the answer is 'water off a ducks back' and continue on your day.

 

The letter is written on the back of the picture itself.

 

I agree, it was neither here nor there to me, but it really bothered him.

[woinlove]

I wouldn't throw out pics of my children - so maybe just put the pics away somewhere if your H doesn't feel comfortable displaying them. Hopefully your H doesn't feel so uncomfortable that he'd mind the pics just being put away.

 

When your H is over everything, it'll be as Art Critic says, water off his back, and it'll just be pictures of his kids and there won't be any need to get rid of the pics (if you still have them then) or to not display them.

[Art_Critic]

The letter is written on the back of the picture itself.

 

I agree, it was neither here nor there to me, but it really bothered him.

 

You could scan the pic in and reprint it...

 

Letter gone...

[Grumpybutfun]

 

Though it raises an interesting question... I'm to believe that because we had an affair, he got divorced, then we got married, that if his ex wife/former BS wants to try and, as you put it, "worm her way into our home," that it's OK? The original affair is bad, but attempts to have an affair/break up the household of an ex who had an affair on you for years and years after the event is OK? If this was a situation that caused actual disruption in the household, that would be justified because the BS is allowed to have such influence because of her prior claim?

 

As for "letting him handle his family," that's not exactly how we operate... There's not his family and then us, or his family and my family... We've blended it all together and his family is by extension and marriage now part of my family as well. So I can't just sit back and say it's none of my business because, A, he wouldn't allow it, but B, things that go on in my home are by default part of my business and something that I have a part in handling.

 

None of this is OK. It is drama on top of drama. You are a married woman posting in OM/OW so you must know you are still living in remnants of the past.

G

Edited January 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Anne Boleyn]

I wouldn't throw out pics of my children - so maybe just put the pics away somewhere if your H doesn't feel comfortable displaying them. Hopefully your H doesn't feel so uncomfortable that he'd mind the pics just being put away.

 

When your H is over everything, it'll be as Art Critic says, water off his back, and it'll just be pictures of his kids and there won't be any need to get rid of the pics (if you still have them then) or to not display them.

 

The issue isn't the picture itself, that doesn't bother him, even though it's taken at his ex's house (his former house), it's just the note aspect of it. It bothers him to have love notes of his ex-wife, who we continue to have issues with, around the house. I guess it's best described as he's over HER, but not over the behaviors. I talked about in another thread that I'm much the same way, though because it's a picture of the kids, it's ignorable as far as I'm concerned.

[Anne Boleyn]

You could scan the pic in and reprint it...

 

Letter gone...

 

I agree, I'm going to float that one by him and see if that doesn't fix it. Thank you!

[Anne Boleyn]

None of this is OK. It is drama on top of drama. You are a married woman posting in OM/OW so you must know you are still living in remnants of the past.

G

 

I don't think I was unclear about that... I'm perfectly aware that because she's a former BW, that's part of the reason this is an issue, which is why I asked other OW's if they had such a situation arise with their BS, if they'd agree that it was no big deal or if they thought more like my husband is thinking.

[whatatangledweb]

I can see why your husband wants them down. I would feel it makes her think he read the notes and cherishes fond thoughts of her so that is why they are up . When he pulled them down it was a personal slap in her face because of why she thought they were up. Many people change out photos especially at work to more updated ones. So there was no other reason for her to be so upset over it. I would say it took some of her hope away.

 

Them working together is such a bad situation. She can't get over it as she sees him everyday. She seems to be going through the same emotions over and over just as a new bs goes through. She isn't healing because her pain stays alive. I do feel badly for her pain but I feel she is dangerous. Another reason they should only have limited contact.

[Anne Boleyn]

I can see why your husband wants them down. I would feel it makes her think he read the notes and cherishes fond thoughts of her so that is why they are up . When he pulled them down it was a personal slap in her face because of why she thought they were up. Many people change out photos especially at work to more updated ones. So there was no other reason for her to be so upset over it. I would say it took some of her hope away.

 

I agree, I think she took this to mean there was hope where there wasn't. I'm not sure that she realizes he had no idea that there were notes on the back of the pictures.

 

Them working together is such a bad situation. She can't get over it as she sees him everyday. She seems to be going through the same emotions over and over just as a new bs goes through. She isn't healing because her pain stays alive. I do feel badly for her pain but I feel she is dangerous. Another reason they should only have limited contact.

 

They do have only limited contact, the only time they see each other is at work. They don't work in the same area, but they do run into each other, though when she's doing administrative work, her desk is right in sightline of his. Otherwise, they don't really talk and they're never, ever alone, which is by his choice and conscious effort. He lives in fear that she'll corner him somewhere and she'll say or do something inappropriate or she'll say he did.

 

She will not leave, however, because she says she can't find work elsewhere and she doesn't want to lose the only way she sees him, which is what she said. He can't leave because he's got almost 15 years invested where he is, and he'd have a hard time finding a similar salary, insurance, and flexible hours elsewhere. So we are both OK with riding it out, or hoping he gets a promotion that pulls him out of that facility. He was offered a regional position, but it required relocating, and she said if we relocated, she would as well, and she wanted us to pay her moving costs. While the moving cost request was a tad unrealistic, we expected she'd move if we did, but in the end, he didn't pursue it because the move would take me too far from my family and he worried I'd feel isolated and lonely with nobody local but his ex wife.

 

One day, though.

 

As far as the re-opening of old wounds, I'm not sure that's it... I think a lot of it is for show because she does thrive on being the center of attention, and this is an easy way for her to keep a captive audience. When she's got a boyfriend, she's fine. When she doesn't, she's back on to making the marriage work, calling herself Mrs. Boleyn, etc etc. But I don't know. Generally, it's ignorable.

[VeronicaRoss]

If you don't care about what happens with the photos and if the husband has resolved the issue, why such a long post?

 

Anne, given your past have you ever gone into therapy just for yourself? You spend a lot of energy on these boards bringing up the long past affair and working to placing yourself in the best possible light vis a vis his ex-wife.

 

Given the number of betrayed spouses on this board and your history, clearly you're guaranteed some negative reactions. Why do you seek this out here? If it's a love of conflict and drama and the need to create more of it, it would help your real life to work through it directly.

 

Anne Boleyn was accused of an affair, but she said and most historians agree didn't actually have one, it's a strange choice given your own history. I don't know you at all except through a few posts, but that's what comes through to me anyway.

[Lady2163]

If I understand everything correctly...

 

I would scan and reprint the pictures and put them away.

 

Did I read that these were taken four years ago?

 

Take new pictures. Update your family displays.

 

It would seem strange to me if my parents had kept a picture of my from 8th grade on the same wall as my senior picture.

 

But, maybe you have a large wall and like to see the progression of time.

 

God, women are manipulative, aren't we? She has probably thought for years he saw those notes and treasured them...

[Anne Boleyn]

If you don't care about what happens with the photos and if the husband has resolved the issue, why such a long post?

 

Well... I was wondering if others had the same experiences/problems, and how they dealt with it, and I was giving back story as to how I felt vs how he felt and what contributed to our arriving at our conclusions... Something I figured was kind of the point of a message board.

 

Anne, given your past have you ever gone into therapy just for yourself? You spend a lot of energy on these boards bringing up the long past affair and working to placing yourself in the best possible light vis a vis his ex-wife.

 

I have not been to therapy, actually, since I don't think "just being myself" is an issue that one seeks therapy for... And I wouldn't say I've spent a lot of energy about bringing up the affair. Granted, I discuss it, but I discuss it in context of when people have questions about affairs or something related. Again, something I thought the point of these forums. Given there is a board here for those in affairs, and I saw while lurking people posting about their affairs, I figured by participating I could both share my experience and show that there is a point where, despite the affair seeming all-consuming that there is a time where things die down and life gets normal. Even when you're coming from an utterly crazy past or situation.

 

As for me putting myself in the best light and her in the worst, I mentioned her behavior negatively in exactly two threads, one I gave examples to illustrate a point and then promptly said when the conversation was seemingly steering towards that road, that I didn't want to get into it because it wasn't the point of the thread and I didn't want to trash talk her. The other time was this thread, where I mentioned the same incidents that were mentioned before, as well as a specific one directly related to the topic, so I could get some feedback from how other OW's or former OW's handled the situation.

 

Given the number of betrayed spouses on this board and your history, clearly you're guaranteed some negative reactions. Why do you seek this out here? If it's a love of conflict and drama and the need to create more of it, it would help your real life to work through it directly.

 

While I have expected negative reactions just by the nature of our story, to be honest, I haven't gotten any. Even from BS's who read it, either because we have a "I see your point, I agree to disagree" discussion, and nobody gets rude or nasty, or because the BS values the different perspective or answers to questions that she or he (I think all she at this point, though) can't get elsewhere. My experiences here have actually been generally positive, actually.

 

And if I loved conflict and drama, or had a need to create more, why would I turn to a messageboard filled with like-minded people to do it? Really, in this particular forum, the BS is almost the guest to the OW/OM's discussion, so the fact is I'd expect be here discussing these topics without the drama and conflict. So the question should be the opposite... Why would a BS who has an issue with frank discussion of affairs among OW/OM come to this forum? Is it a desire for drama or conflict?

 

Frankly, if I like drama, why would I turn to a messageboard to begin with? What goes on here isn't the center of the world and any discussions or disagreements are forgotten when people log off. What real drama can happen here? If I liked drama, my post wouldn't have been a "hey this is kind of interesting that we have two responses to this incident, what do you guys think?" It would have been "I found a love note from my husband's crazy ex on the back of a picture, I ripped it up and threw it away and fired off a text telling her she better not do anything like that again because she needs to know her place."

 

Me thinks you read a bit much into the situation... Somebody needs therapy for going to a message board about affairs and talking about their affair? Gosh, what nerve! Obviously, because they're discussing what the core topic is of the forum, they're obsessed and must have issues that need therapy.

 

Anne Boleyn was accused of an affair, but she said and most historians agree didn't actually have one, it's a strange choice given your own history. I don't know you at all except through a few posts, but that's what comes through to me anyway.

 

Then I'd say that you arriving at conclusions such as these after admitting that you "don't know (me) at all" and have only read "a few posts" is a bit reactive, no? Maybe a reflection more of what you want to see more than anything else...

 

As for the user name, again, I think you read a bit much into it... I picked it because I don't have a lot of forum names and didn't know what to do with it. Right now, I'm reading a book about Anne Boleyn, who is a historical figure I've always liked a, and thought I'd have a bit of fun with my name. Not sure why that makes it a strange choice in the context of the history of me and my affair, which you admit you know little about anyway...

 

The thing that I've learned here is that when people have decided to see the worst in somebody, and often times for some people admitting to an affair is enough to make that decision, they're intent on seeing the worst and judging the worst. Little things that would mean nothing if a liked person or peer did it become big, dramatic "ah ha!" moments in people you don't like. This is fine and doesn't bother me, but I think maybe taking a step back and realizing if you're reading too much into a situation because you want to find the worst can be helpful. Like I said, to make the claims you've made then to follow up with how you don't actually know much about the person you're making claims against, it's a bit strange, no?

[Anne Boleyn]

If I understand everything correctly...

 

I would scan and reprint the pictures and put them away.

 

I think that's a good solution, thank you.

 

Did I read that these were taken four years ago?

 

Take new pictures. Update your family displays.

 

It would seem strange to me if my parents had kept a picture of my from 8th grade on the same wall as my senior picture.

 

But, maybe you have a large wall and like to see the progression of time.

 

We have pictures on the walls, but also on tables and things. The pictures are from when the kids were of all sorts of ages. I like having pictures to look at that remind me of times and places, so I guess I never thought it odd to have pictures of the kids as they were 4 years ago up in frames. Then again, I'm a scrapbooker... I keep all sorts of pictures people wouldn't.

 

God, women are manipulative, aren't we? She has probably thought for years he saw those notes and treasured them...

 

That or she enjoyed the idea that she could make kind of a mark on his living space still. I think it made her happy to know that pictures she took were up at his desk, presumably at home as well, and that they had these notes. I guess she'd think he'd know they were there as I guess she used to write on pictures all the time, but (not to be mean) my husband is kind of clueless about these things and probably would have never noticed it if we hadn't found the one at home. I know I never would have thought to look for it, unless we changed the picture out... But because they were gifts, I'd have left them there like that forever without noticing.