Hidden Momentos from his Ex... Keep or...?

[lollipopspot]

Saw the movie "Under Our Skin" - it can be a really scary disease

[Anne Boleyn]

Saw the movie "Under Our Skin" - it can be a really scary disease

 

I did see it. Actually had to do it in two sittings because it was too hard for me to watch. But it was a relief to know that I'm not alone. I'm really, really lucky that I live in/near/around a state that has laws in place to protect doctors treating Lyme. What happened to those two Drs in the movie couldn't happen to the doctor I see. At least I got a break there.

[underpants]

God tells her that he will, etc etc.

 

When she's dating or in a relationship, she's fine. When she's not, she's not fine.

 

 

I smell borderline, but what do I know?

 

Gosh, people who say God speaks to them, scare me.

 

Seriously, though, she sounds disordered and when some relationship fails to work out (because, how can it...) her ex/your H is the reason nothing goes right, so the cycle resumes.

 

I worry about her kids. Sadly her behavior if not adjusted will alienate them from her, which sadly will probably worsen further her decent.

 

Or maybe she will get a cool promotion, or new relationship that will redirect her obsessiveness and sence of purpose and become the new fallback to cycle on. Again, this focus may turn out to be her children and not in a healthy way.

 

I agree that she is getting something out of it. Sympathy from friends and co-workers, but after years I don't know about that?

 

Does she ever say things to you when she knows nobody is around to hear it?

[lollipopspot]

I did see it. Actually had to do it in two sittings because it was too hard for me to watch. But it was a relief to know that I'm not alone. I'm really, really lucky that I live in/near/around a state that has laws in place to protect doctors treating Lyme. What happened to those two Drs in the movie couldn't happen to the doctor I see. At least I got a break there.

 

Good. I didn't even know there was such a state. Can I ask which state, or can you p.m. me if you don't want it public?

[Anne Boleyn]

I smell borderline, but what do I know?

 

Gosh, people who say God speaks to them, scare me.

 

No, I don't think so... He was religious, his family is religious, her family is religious. She chooses that argument because she thinks he can't refute it. She was not religious until after they separated. Then she found God int he parts of the Bible that don't allow divorce and not much else.

 

Seriously, though, she sounds disordered and when some relationship fails to work out (because, how can it...) her ex/your H is the reason nothing goes right, so the cycle resumes.

 

That, I believe, may have some truth. As I said, she's at her best when she's in a relationship. When she's not, then she goes into this cycle. When she's in a relationship it's not entirely gone, but it is a lot more subdued.

 

I worry about her kids. Sadly her behavior if not adjusted will alienate them from her, which sadly will probably worsen further her decent.

 

We work very, very hard to make sure the kids are sheltered from this. And I think she does too, either because she's in control or she's aware on some level that she has a problem. Other than the initial outbursts, she manages to keep herself under control around them. That's why the discussion about saving the picture for them down the road and if it'd help or hurt.

 

Or maybe she will get a cool promotion, or new relationship that will redirect her obsessiveness and sence of purpose and become the new fallback to cycle on. Again, this focus may turn out to be her children and not in a healthy way.

 

The promotion is out, she can't get promoted. She works too infrequently on too limited a schedule and cannot be on the same level or higher career wise as my husband. I'm rooting for a relationship with a decent guy.

 

I agree that she is getting something out of it. Sympathy from friends and co-workers, but after years I don't know about that?

 

With a small circle of people, she does get attention for it, but not on the level she used to. All of these people are her friends and enjoy the gossip.

 

Does she ever say things to you when she knows nobody is around to hear it?

 

She will chat via text occasionally, and she'll say little things to me out of earshot of others. Like at the Christmas party at work, I came with my husband and our child and their kids ran over to me to say hi and catch up with me and their father. She got all dramatic, told her friends I stole the kids, they laughed at how fat I got (damn you Lyme Disease and your 30 extra pounds), burst into tears, the whole nine yards. During the party, they chose to sit with us but left her a chair, which she didn't take. She then spent the rest of the party being hurt and offended, while coming over to make a big show of her attention on the kids as well as her lack of attention towards our child... Again, whatever, and I don't expect her to make a fuss over our child, but when you bring two cookies for two kids and leave a third to wonder what's going on... It's just one of the little "what are you thinking" eyerolls I do to myself over something she did.

 

Anyway, this went on for most of the party and she made a loud show about how awful I was, how good her husband looked, etc etc. We ignored it.

 

When people had cleared out, the kids were running around and she wasn't supervising them, so I pulled out my tablet and turned on a movie for them. They all sat, watched it, and I sat with them. She came over and it's just me and the kids, and she says "Would you mind watching them just a little more so I can go to the bathroom?" I said sure, she thanked me profusely, and thanked me for keeping an eye on them while she was up making the rounds. Again, I said no problem, she went off and was gone for the next 45 minutes. Next time I spotted her, she was at the front of the party, by the door, telling people that I stole the kids... She left out the part about asking me to watch them so she could do her thing.

 

Again, another internal eyeroll and back to my business. I don't care that her friends think I'm awful or stealing the kids, we both know she asked me to watch them. I could confront her about it, which means she'd cry, I'm mean and picking on her, and it's drama, or I can acknowledge the opinion of her and her friends means less to me than making sure the kids are OK and supervised. I went with the latter.

 

Other than that, she'll text asking for pictures of them that I took at parties or events, she asked for pictures I took of our vacation, scenery photos, so she could fill out her vacation book because she didn't get enough... She'll ask me to get the kids from school, go to conferences because she can't, ask if I can call out from work to watch the kids, if I can make X, Y, or Z to bring to a party, recipe for A, B, C dinner I made the kids that they liked... So yes, she is capable of talking like a normal human would, without witnesses.

[Anne Boleyn]

Good. I didn't even know there was such a state. Can I ask which state, or can you p.m. me if you don't want it public?

 

If you can PM me, I'll tell you what state and give you some good LLMD suggestions, if you wish.

 

Otherwise, since I'm not sure I can PM, the states that have legislation to protect doctors are:

 

Connecticut

Rhode Island

California

Massachusetts

New Hampshire

[lollipopspot]

Oh, I think you can't p.m. (I guess not enough posts). Thanks for the info, and glad you have good doctors

 

My friend was originally from Connecticut, where Lyme disease was first discovered I think. She got it probably as a child, and it went undiagnosed for many years.

[underpants]

Well, I feel for you. Tough situation, that really could be a win win.

 

It sounds like if she was honest with herself, she could let go, and realize that her kids have 3 people that care about them. This could free her mind to persue things that would be more fulfilling then lamenting the wrongs of the past. However, that is up to her. When the effort no longer gets the response she desires, she will give up or change targets, hopfully.

 

I get it, being cheated on sucks. However, maybe she has to focus on that so she does not have to accept other things?

 

I would suggest when you know she may pull a manipulative or irrational move, record it, even if she doesn't know about it. Next function when 'you are stealing children' get her request to watch them on a recorder/iphone video... Then go ahead and confront her. I'd do it after the request and before the rounds. ... by the way...before you go, I've recorded your request so it is documented, please consider that before you accuse me of .... She might think twice about the sweet request/bully/victim triple play. Oh, she will hate you, but what else is new?

 

Get better soon.

[MissBee]

With all then history to me is seems simple, toss the letter and put the picture back, but if he wants it gone then a replacement is in order.

 

Moved on is moved on and when faced with something like this that wasn't his doing the answer is 'water off a ducks back' and continue on your day.

 

That's how I see it.

 

I don't think I would be terribly bothered by this. I'd just discard the note(s) and move on from it. It was there and you guys didn't know and lived your lives so all you have to do now is discard the note and leave the pictures and he can be the one to address the notes with her and ask her to refrain from putting more notes in pictures in the future. But if I read the initial post correctly, since 2012 she hasn't sent anymore so if so, then I'd chalk it up to her having a hard time back then but she's over it now.

[cocorico]

I don't think I would be terribly bothered by this. I'd just discard the note(s) and move on from it. It was there and you guys didn't know and lived your lives so all you have to do now is discard the note and leave the pictures .

 

This was addressed several pages back:

 

If it was a separate note it would be obvious to throw the note away and leave the picture. But the note is on the picture. I think the scanning idea is a good one.

[cocorico]

Come on, it has been 5 YEARS!!! This is outside the scope of reasonable or healthy. After reading all the events you really think it is reasonable for him to have to do this?

 

Come on, maybe at the first 12 months but at some point someone needs to address their abandonment and attachment issues and realize that you are in charge of your mental health and moving on.

 

Sorry but compassion is not about enabling the behavior. I think the fact she is a BS has completely colored some people's views here. This is not reasonable or healthy. Being a BS does not allow this behavior 5 years later and expect it to be tolerated. The courts wouldn't see it as such nor would a mental health professional.

 

I also really scratch my head that replacing pictures of the kids with pictures of the kids would cause them great anguish because they weren't pictures their mom had given. Do people really think kids remember those things? She will have pictures of them in HER house. Just like at her house she will do holidays, traditions, routines the way she wants and he will do what he wants to do in his. This is divorce, things are separate. They know their mother exists AT HER HOUSE and will be all about her when they are with her.

 

Taking the pictures down of the kids totally and not having any of them would hurt them. Replacing them with pictures of themselves would not. It has never crossed our mind to have pictures of my husband's ex wife in our house nor would she consider it appropriate to have pictures of him in her's. Things are separated now that they are divorce.

 

Agree.

 

I can understand that some people struggle to move on. But by trying to trap everyone around them in a time warp they are just spreading the madness.

[Raena]

No, I don't think so... He was religious, his family is religious, her family is religious. She chooses that argument because she thinks he can't refute it. She was not religious until after they separated. Then she found God int he parts of the Bible that don't allow divorce and not much else.

 

 

 

That, I believe, may have some truth. As I said, she's at her best when she's in a relationship. When she's not, then she goes into this cycle. When she's in a relationship it's not entirely gone, but it is a lot more subdued.

 

 

 

We work very, very hard to make sure the kids are sheltered from this. And I think she does too, either because she's in control or she's aware on some level that she has a problem. Other than the initial outbursts, she manages to keep herself under control around them. That's why the discussion about saving the picture for them down the road and if it'd help or hurt.

 

 

 

The promotion is out, she can't get promoted. She works too infrequently on too limited a schedule and cannot be on the same level or higher career wise as my husband. I'm rooting for a relationship with a decent guy.

 

 

 

With a small circle of people, she does get attention for it, but not on the level she used to. All of these people are her friends and enjoy the gossip.

 

 

 

She will chat via text occasionally, and she'll say little things to me out of earshot of others. Like at the Christmas party at work, I came with my husband and our child and their kids ran over to me to say hi and catch up with me and their father. She got all dramatic, told her friends I stole the kids, they laughed at how fat I got (damn you Lyme Disease and your 30 extra pounds), burst into tears, the whole nine yards. During the party, they chose to sit with us but left her a chair, which she didn't take. She then spent the rest of the party being hurt and offended, while coming over to make a big show of her attention on the kids as well as her lack of attention towards our child... Again, whatever, and I don't expect her to make a fuss over our child, but when you bring two cookies for two kids and leave a third to wonder what's going on... It's just one of the little "what are you thinking" eyerolls I do to myself over something she did.

 

Anyway, this went on for most of the party and she made a loud show about how awful I was, how good her husband looked, etc etc. We ignored it.

 

When people had cleared out, the kids were running around and she wasn't supervising them, so I pulled out my tablet and turned on a movie for them. They all sat, watched it, and I sat with them. She came over and it's just me and the kids, and she says "Would you mind watching them just a little more so I can go to the bathroom?" I said sure, she thanked me profusely, and thanked me for keeping an eye on them while she was up making the rounds. Again, I said no problem, she went off and was gone for the next 45 minutes. Next time I spotted her, she was at the front of the party, by the door, telling people that I stole the kids... She left out the part about asking me to watch them so she could do her thing.

 

Again, another internal eyeroll and back to my business. I don't care that her friends think I'm awful or stealing the kids, we both know she asked me to watch them. I could confront her about it, which means she'd cry, I'm mean and picking on her, and it's drama, or I can acknowledge the opinion of her and her friends means less to me than making sure the kids are OK and supervised. I went with the latter.

 

Other than that, she'll text asking for pictures of them that I took at parties or events, she asked for pictures I took of our vacation, scenery photos, so she could fill out her vacation book because she didn't get enough... She'll ask me to get the kids from school, go to conferences because she can't, ask if I can call out from work to watch the kids, if I can make X, Y, or Z to bring to a party, recipe for A, B, C dinner I made the kids that they liked... So yes, she is capable of talking like a normal human would, without witnesses.

 

My mouse is giving me issues so I can't highlight all of the parts of this post that I wanted to.

 

My point in bolding these specific parts is your reaction. It just comes across as martyrdom. You keep pointing out all this stuff that she does and how graciously you handle it as if you did absolutely nothing to cause it. At some point you need to stand up for yourself and be done with it. Why sit there "internally rolling your eyes" and comment on how "she wasn't watching the kids". Honestly, just say something to her. Don't sit there letting her make you look like a fool. Speak up. Tell her no. When you hear her talking smack about you, go right up to her and confront her with the truth right to her face in front of her friends. You come across as if you believe you are a better person than her. Now maybe that isn't how you really feel, but that's how you come across. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you all being right in her face all the time makes it impossible for her to move on. Why in the world were you all at the same party? When you sit there and say nothing when she behaves like that, you are doing absolutely nothing to stop it from happening again. Speak up and tell her that it is inappropriate, you didn't steal her kids and to stop being such a drama queen. And yes, in case you ask, yes I would do exactly that. I wouldn't let anyone sit there running their mouths about me, right in front of me and not say a darn thing about it. I'd confront them and clear the air once and for all.

[cocorico]

I wouldn't let anyone sit there running their mouths about me, right in front of me and not say a darn thing about it. I'd confront them and clear the air once and for all.

 

With the kids there?

[Tayken]

With the kids there?

 

I am hoping for the love of God the answer is emphatically NO? It's the worst abuse parents can inflict on their child/ren

 

The dangers of arguing in front of your kids

[Anne Boleyn]

My mouse is giving me issues so I can't highlight all of the parts of this post that I wanted to.

 

My point in bolding these specific parts is your reaction. It just comes across as martyrdom. You keep pointing out all this stuff that she does and how graciously you handle it as if you did absolutely nothing to cause it. At some point you need to stand up for yourself and be done with it. Why sit there "internally rolling your eyes" and comment on how "she wasn't watching the kids". Honestly, just say something to her. Don't sit there letting her make you look like a fool. Speak up.

 

 

First off, I'm sorry, I wasn't ignoring your post, I had an in real life issue that kept me away for a few days.

 

 

I'm not meaning to come across as a martyr and I don't think taking out a tablet to entertain the kids was me trying to take the victim role, it was me seeing kids I'm partially responsible for acting in a way that was disruptive, and me taking a step to resolve the issue. Me going up to her and saying "watch the kids" isn't an option because, number one, it escalates the problem. Two, it means instead of weeping that I stole the kids, she's weeping that I'm picking on her/bullying her at a work party/in front of her friends, etc. Number three, it reinforces whatever bad things that she's been saying and makes them more believable. Four... The easier action is to just do something with and for the kids and reinforce that I'm there for them too, as opposed to inviting a public argument in telling her to do something with it, undermining her in front of the kids, showing conflict with their mother in front of the kids, and generally contributing to the gossip atmosphere.

 

 

When you hear her talking smack about you, go right up to her and confront her with the truth right to her face in front of her friends. You come across as if you believe you are a better person than her. Now maybe that isn't how you really feel, but that's how you come across.

 

 

Again, going up to her and calling her out in front of people escalates the situation, and it further invites the involvement of people into a situation that should be private. It's not a discussion that will end with her changing her behavior. It's a discussion that will still end with her in tears about how awful I am, with her friends as witnesses as to how awful I am for bullying her, with the kids seeing conflict, and the result is the same as if I haven't confronted her, only with the bonus of sinking down to the level of instigating problems as opposed to just taking it as the minor annoyance it is and moving on. And since she's with friends who've only been fed information how bad I am, I risk a confrontation with not just her, but her friends who're "sticking up for her."

 

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, you all being right in her face all the time makes it impossible for her to move on. Why in the world were you all at the same party?

 

 

It was a work party, as management my husband was required to go, and as an employee she has the option to go. I accompanied him with our child, she went with their two children.

 

 

As for being in her face, after all this time, I'd think she could process that I'm around, and her difficulty in grappling with my existence ebbs and flows based on the attention she's getting and what she needs. For example, the party I "stole the kids.". This Friday she has to work and school will most likely be cancelled. We have the kids in the morning and are supposed to drop them at school and she's working until it's time to pick them up from school at 4. She's already announced that because school will be cancelled and she can't afford miss work, and my husband can't miss work due to childcare issues, I have to take them for the day. When I said I have to work that day, her solution was for me to call out.

 

 

When it's in her interest or aligns with what she wants, she seemingly has no issue with seeing me and moving on as it were. And as she has dated, she has no issues with moving on privately when she wants to. But when she has an audience and it gets her attention, she's the bereaved wife and I'm the spawn of Satan and she is still Mrs. Boleyn and will always be my husband's wife until the day she dies.

 

 

When you sit there and say nothing when she behaves like that, you are doing absolutely nothing to stop it from happening again. Speak up and tell her that it is inappropriate, you didn't steal her kids and to stop being such a drama queen.

 

 

But by confronting her, then I'm making myself the drama queen and confirming that she's a victim.

 

 

The easier, and better solution for all involved, is to just let it go, spend time with the kids, and have it be an instance of them going to a party and spending time with their stepmother, as opposed to it being a party they went to where they saw their stepmother and mother fight.

 

 

And yes, in case you ask, yes I would do exactly that. I wouldn't let anyone sit there running their mouths about me, right in front of me and not say a darn thing about it. I'd confront them and clear the air once and for all.

 

 

 

In the end, by doing so, what would it change?

 

She wouldn't change her behavior, but she'd have confirmation I'm the evil witch she says I am.

Her friends wouldn't change their opinion of me, but actually would be more inclined to believe her.

People who aren't involved would see the behavior and form opinions that were probably negative of me.

People, friends or not, might be provoked into confronting me over her behavior, making it me vs others.

The kids would go from thinking all the adults in their life are on the same page to seeing their father's wife fight with their mother.

My husband would have the professional repercussions of having his wife fight with his ex at a work party.

Our child would see his mother fighting with adults, or having adults fight with her.

 

 

Whereas not confronting her meant that I hung out with the kids, the siblings hung out together, all of them were well-behaved, and other co-workers kids came and joined us for a movie. Kids were left out of the adult issues, work wasn't tainted with personal drama, and what was a passing example of bad behavior that was quickly forgotten didn't turn into a story of "you remember when Mr. Boleyn's wife bullied his ex wife over the kids?"

 

 

It's neither the time or place for that kind of confrontation. And when it is time for those discussions and we try, they don't sink in anyway.

 

 

I'm OK with how I behaved and have no regrets about how it was handled.