Kalee35 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Haven't really shared my full story here quite yet but I ended a 5 month affair almost a month ago because I knew our relationship was a lie and was never going to go anywhere. I apologized to his wife and she thanked me but also told me she would never forgive me. I understood. She also asked me never to contact her or him ever again and of course I agreed with that as well. So today I get an email from guess who? Says he can't get me out of his head and can we please keep in touch. What is it with these guys? The addiction must be strong on their part. I don't know how that feels because I wasn't addicted to him like that. Wonder what makes someone feel like that. Anyone else struggle with feeling this way? Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Sometimes it is just easier to go back to someone they know was willing, instead of finding a new one. Married guys don't have many options for dating. Most women won't participate in an affair, so their choices are limited. Men that don't have a good "game" are anxious & nervous with new women, and they will often "recycle". You are already done with him, so he has nothing to lose. A new woman is more risky, as she might reject him, scold him for cheating, think he's disgusting, etc. If he does feel addicted to you, then just like any addiction, there will be relapses. Beating an addiction requires a lot of introspection, personal responsibility & willpower. Recovering addicts know there will be times of weakness, so they have to avoid temptations. They must keep themselves out of "dangerous" situations. If you are an addiction to him, his email was a weak moment. A response from you will feel like a hit of crack and turn into a full blown relapse. Once that wears off, he will likely feel disappointed in himself for being weak. It will benefit both of you to just ignore it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kalee35 Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 That makes a lot of sense. Definitely not responding. Never going down that road again. Just crazy how they have the guts to contact you after the wife already knows about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Rottentomatoes Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 how is it that my MW never has one of these 'weak moments'? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kalee35 Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 I'm sure some married women do have weak moments. It would depend on if she was as addicted to the partner as well I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Sometimes it is just easier to go back to someone they know was willing, instead of finding a new one. Married guys don't have many options for dating. Most women won't participate in an affair, so their choices are limited. Men that don't have a good "game" are anxious & nervous with new women, and they will often "recycle". You are already done with him, so he has nothing to lose. A new woman is more risky, as she might reject him, scold him for cheating, think he's disgusting, etc. If he does feel addicted to you, then just like any addiction, there will be relapses. Beating an addiction requires a lot of introspection, personal responsibility & willpower. Recovering addicts know there will be times of weakness, so they have to avoid temptations. They must keep themselves out of "dangerous" situations. If you are an addiction to him, his email was a weak moment. A response from you will feel like a hit of crack and turn into a full blown relapse. Once that wears off, he will likely feel disappointed in himself for being weak. It will benefit both of you to just ignore it. I agree 100% with the bolded part, but I don't think it is an addiction; it is simply familiarity and an established link. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 (edited) I agree 100% with the bolded part, but I don't think it is an addiction; it is simply familiarity and an established link. I think the part of my post that you bolded is the more likely scenario. However, some affairs do have elements of addiction because of the dopamine response in the brain. I added that to address the addiction part of her post. Deliriously, some affairs are an addiction. The excitement of an affair can activate the reward system in the brain, just like drugs, gambling, etc. It doesn't matter if its been going on for two months or two years. It's not uncommon for people with addictive personalities to trade one addiction for another. An example is a "dry drunk", who quits drinking but escapes and avoids in other ways. The sneaky part of the personality remains because the underlying issues weren't resolved. Edited January 30, 2014 by Quiet Storm 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I think the part of my post that you bolded is the more likely scenario. However, some affairs do have elements of addiction because of the dopamine response in the brain. I added that to address the addiction part of her post. Deliriously, some affairs are an addiction. The excitement of an affair can activate the reward system in the brain, just like drugs, gambling, etc. It doesn't matter if its been going on for two months or two years. It's not uncommon for people with addictive personalities to trade one addiction for another. An example is a "dry drunk", who quits drinking but escapes and avoids in other ways. The sneaky part of the personality remains because the underlying issues weren't resolved. Wow, Quiet Storm, you are dead on right with what you've said. I've posted and so have many others, about the relationship w MM being addictive, but the way you described it is very thought provoking. I do have a very addictive personality and before MM was mentally chained to eating disorders, then substance abuse and now I guess it is the chemicals in my brain that crave whatever reward I think Im getting from roller coaster relationships. And you're right about something else too, these MM s do have limited options, as a lot of women w self esteem and dignity wont date a man who wants cruise by sex before he runs home to his wife. The little dinners we get now and then are nothing compared to getting to share a home and holidays w him the way the wife does and he will having trouble finding women who are willing to sit home alone on holidays and their family outings and anniversary. So, back to the Original Poster, you did the right thing to end it and you are smart to identify the addictive qualities of these relationships and stay away from them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kalee35 Posted January 31, 2014 Author Share Posted January 31, 2014 He was definitely obsessive about me from the get go no doubt. He also had some problems with alcohol addiction and other addictions in the past so it makes sense that he would be this way. I don't think it's necessarily that way for everyone though. I definitely was not in that category. My emotions and feelings were definitely involved but I did not love him. Link to post Share on other sites
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