Is fear of intimacy normal after abuse? (long post, deals with abuse and breakups)

[Radu]

I'm sure I'll be fine.

 

I just made a lot of little, subtle mistakes in a short period of time.

 

I just didn't have the tools available to handle what was thrown at me, and the depression I sank into changed who I was...I wasn't assertive, avoided conflict, lost my humor and wit, and was basically an overly-gentle snoozefest.

 

I guess after all the work I had put into the relationship, I didn't realize that it was so fragile...that 6-7 weeks of depression (of being unassertive, conflict avoidant, overly apologetic, exhausted/lazy/unmotivated, too nice/gentle, and indecisive) could destroy an incredible relationship.

 

The two big lessons here are:

 

- Everything is fragile

- Being authentic about your emotions is important, and opening up about them can be scary and "weak", but is important in a strong relationship

 

If the depression was that long, i'm not really 100% that your relationship with girl 2 would have worked anyway.

 

It was certain better than the R with girl 1, but by no means best.

[Never Again]

If the depression was that long, i'm not really 100% that your relationship with girl 2 would have worked anyway.

 

It was certain better than the R with girl 1, but by no means best.

 

I suppose it's hard to say at this point?

 

I assume that you're suggesting that if my depression was only 6-7 weeks long, yet still killed the relationship, that the relationship had some structural weaknesses that would've manifested anyway?

 

If that's true, I've honestly considered the same thing.

 

It was a complicated situation (aren't they all?). Girl #2 never had a relationship last longer than 16 months. She's 26, but I don't think she's ever experienced anything beyond the happy, giddy, exciting and intense "honeymoon phase".

 

As I mentioned before, I pulled away from her during my depression. Like I said, I just wasn't communicative. I was overly nice and gentle in my exhaustion (not exactly attractive traits), and was, admittedly, very boring during this time. I damaged our emotional and mental connection pretty heavily during this time.

 

The big thing for me was...girl #2 never really said anything. She was frustrated at some of the things I wasn't doing and kindly/meekly reminded me...asked me if I'd read a book she lent me, reminded me I still had a hang-gliding lesson in the bag to use...but only did so twice. There was no "what's wrong?" or "why aren't we talking or hanging out as much" or even a "Hey! That upsets me!".

 

Even girl #2 said that this relationship "should've been perfect" even at the end when I was hitting the rock bottom of my negative, boring spiral. I just know that we stopped being spontaneous and sharing activities together...things had become rather routine and tame.

 

Things have been getting clearer as I gain more distance. I honestly had "cloudy" thinking during my depression and shortly after the breakup, which is apparently pretty common to trauma induced depression. I became pretty avoidant and just wanted to sleep, nothing more.

 

I wasn't ME at all. I was Eeyore incarnate with a fake smile glued to my face. I wasn't being intimate with her at all. No cuddling, very few dates or REAL conversations, barely any hugging/kissing or PDAs, and no communication about feelings from either side. Certainly no adventures or "emotionally charged dates". Girl #2 and I had bonded very quickly, and I pumped the brakes hard enough to send her flying through the windshield.

 

I can't really blame anyone who would leave for those reasons alone. 6-7 weeks is, honestly, a long time to put up with that. It's certainly long enough for someone's feelings to fade.

Edited February 6, 2014 by Pfenixphire

[Hopeful714]

I was just in the wrong state of mind to be in a relationship...and I'm going to take a LOT of time before trying again with anyone.

 

I think this is a good idea. As well as to continue seeking therapy and even going on a low dose med if you really feel you need it. I've never really been one to promote those, however I am now experienced in depression myself and they did help me quite a bit to pull out of something I just couldn't pull out of. I am now in the process of weaning off because my thinking patterns are clear and Im feeling positive about my future and ability to deal with the past as well as future. So far, things are going well.

 

Not to drown on in your thread, but my abuser had just lost his dad 6 months prior to our dating to the same...suicide. He found him in the garage with a bullet in his chest. He was also abused by this man his whole life. The abuse he experienced affected everything about him, may have caused whatever personality disorder he has (and he certainly has one!) and all his relationships. The suicide has and will continue to do the same unless he really takes time to sort things out...which he will never do...so the many girls he becomes involved with ....suffer.

 

You were just in a bad situation. Im sure girl #1 had bigger and HUGE issues you weren't even aware of. Just a bad mix all over...and you, like me, like many...had to pay.

 

You will recover from this a better, smarter, wiser person. Believe that, do what is ABSOLUTELY needed to heal yourself...give yourself time, process all...and move on from this. Step away from the darkside and live in the light!

[Never Again]

I was just in the wrong state of mind to be in a relationship...and I'm going to take a LOT of time before trying again with anyone.

 

I think this is a good idea. As well as to continue seeking therapy and even going on a low dose med if you really feel you need it. I've never really been one to promote those, however I am now experienced in depression myself and they did help me quite a bit to pull out of something I just couldn't pull out of. I am now in the process of weaning off because my thinking patterns are clear and Im feeling positive about my future and ability to deal with the past as well as future. So far, things are going well.

 

Not to drown on in your thread, but my abuser had just lost his dad 6 months prior to our dating to the same...suicide. He found him in the garage with a bullet in his chest. He was also abused by this man his whole life. The abuse he experienced affected everything about him, may have caused whatever personality disorder he has (and he certainly has one!) and all his relationships. The suicide has and will continue to do the same unless he really takes time to sort things out...which he will never do...so the many girls he becomes involved with ....suffer.

 

You were just in a bad situation. Im sure girl #1 had bigger and HUGE issues you weren't even aware of. Just a bad mix all over...and you, like me, like many...had to pay.

 

You will recover from this a better, smarter, wiser person. Believe that, do what is ABSOLUTELY needed to heal yourself...give yourself time, process all...and move on from this. Step away from the darkside and live in the light!

 

Absolutely trying.

 

I know that I had begun to let myself go physically and mentally during my depression. I masked it with self-deprecating jokes (I'm a skinny dude, but had always been in good shape. I stopped running due to al this and put on 5-10 pounds and made jokes about "getting fat").

 

I feel that I bounced all over the map. I never neglected girl #2, but I was being avoidant. I avoided being close with her - even the "fat jokes" were just a way to try and get some distance I think.

 

Girl #2 fell for me hard. The look in her eyes when we were together was beautiful...and scary. I'd never had someone so enamored with me, had such emotional, physical, and intellectual chemistry before. She wanted me to move closer to her just 3 months into dating...and wanted to move in at 8.

 

The trauma from girl #1 just haunted me. From what I've looked up, I began engaging in a "fantasy bond" - I distanced myself from girl #2 without leaving the relationship...killing the "spark". Apparently it's fixable, but I'm 7 months too late for that. I needed therapy a long time ago. Girl #1 abused me emotionally for a long time before she died...it just didn't come to roost until I had someone I truly and purely loved with all my heart, and i was scared sh*tless. I was scared of losing my independence, of hurting her and of being hurt by her. I essentially sabotaged the relationship by valuing routine and comfort over acts of spontaneous love.

 

I'm sorry that a suicide led to you suffering as well. Feel free to drown on my thread as much as you like - I get more from advice when I understand the context.

 

It's funny. I began to recover from this darkness, from this fog, just 2 weeks before girl #2 left me. I wasn't quite ME yet, but I was making slow steps toward the light. I dwelled on girl #1 and that pain for the better part of 2 months, destroying the most valuable human connection I'd ever made in the process, but was finally tiptoeing to happiness. I was still exhausted and stressed, but I was happy. Then girl #2 left, and I was made to face everything all over again.

 

In trying to protect #2, I'd killed the spark. I destroyed the passion and excitement and made everything "too serious", businesslike and routine. I'd never seen her more upset than when she dumped me. She cried for days, saying it didn't make sense...that SHE was the problem, that she must've been crazy to not be in love with me. I tore that poor girl apart without ever meaning to.

 

I guess that's part of this issue. I felt responsible for hurting them both. For #1's death (survivor's guilt...thinking I could've saved her) and I forced #2 to dump me. She felt awful for months for hurting me even though it was my fault. I just couldn't create a real human connection.

 

Let's hope we find the light sooner than later.

[Hopeful714]

Not sure your really ready...but is it possible to try to reconnect with #2? Wouldn't attempt this though until you were certain you had what it takes to make a healthy go at it.....for better or worse.

[Hopeful714]

Somewhere too along your path of recovery....it may be a good idea to consider some forgiveness to #1. I know that's most likely impossible now...but even though through all the pain you suffered, she obviously suffered much much more....and that is really sad. And no, you had nothing to do with the core of her pain even though she projected that on you.

 

If you ever get to that point, you could vow to live your very best life and be happy. I'd like to believe that wherever her soul is...she is deeply sorry...and that would at least somehow put a positive spin to a situation that ended completely awful for her, you, girl #2 and family and friends of all involved.

 

Amazing how so many can be affected by 1 abuser...and abuse in general.

[amaysngrace]

I've shared bits and pieces of it before, but never really talked about it's effects.

 

I made a lot of foolish mistakes because I was too proud and too much in denial to ask for help when it mattered...I only sought it out when it had taken its toll on my health, sanity, emotional stability and relationship.

 

Had I lost those things when I was 100% myself and able to function I'd at least be able to hold my head up high and know I did my best. But I've had to learn with the knowledge that, because I gave into depression, I was half-assing everything.

 

Bitter pill to swallow, but I've got to whether I like it or not.

 

Have you learned to forgive yourself yet and stop blaming yourself?

 

I'm very sorry for all the loss that you've endured.

 

I don't have experience with survivors of suicide support groups but it may be worth looking into if you haven't yet explored that option.

 

Support Groups - Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors

 

Her death wasn't your fault. Her emotional state of mind wasn't your fault. Her addiction wasn't your fault. And your depression was understandable. I don't know of too many people who wouldn't become depressed after dealing with everything you dealt with at once.

 

But yes, to answer your question. Being abused can cause a fear of true intimacy and a phobia to commitment as a result of the fear of intimacy.

 

You're very strong. Maybe that's why your deceased ex leaned on you in the first place. But I'm sorry to speak ill of her but what she did was a selfish weak act. That's what suicide is.

 

Have you gotten properly angry about the way she treated you and put you through? Or do you only think of her with pity and take the anger out on yourself?

[Never Again]

Have you learned to forgive yourself yet and stop blaming yourself?

 

I'm very sorry for all the loss that you've endured.

 

I don't have experience with survivors of suicide support groups but it may be worth looking into if you haven't yet explored that option.

 

Support Groups - Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors

 

Her death wasn't your fault. Her emotional state of mind wasn't your fault. Her addiction wasn't your fault. And your depression was understandable. I don't know of too many people who wouldn't become depressed after dealing with everything you dealt with at once.

 

But yes, to answer your question. Being abused can cause a fear of true intimacy and a phobia to commitment as a result of the fear of intimacy.

 

You're very strong. Maybe that's why your deceased ex leaned on you in the first place. But I'm sorry to speak ill of her but what she did was a selfish weak act. That's what suicide is.

 

Have you gotten properly angry about the way she treated you and put you through? Or do you only think of her with pity and take the anger out on yourself?

 

I've learned to forgive myself and stop blaming myself for the death of girl #1. It took 3 months of counseling (which I only began 5 months after her death) and a lot of time and reflection to get to this point.

 

I was trying to handle it all on my own up until girl #2 dumped me. My thinking had gotten so "cloudy" in my depression that I didn't REALLY see what I was doing until she shocked me back into reality.

 

I had become depressed for about a week following her death, then carried on. I felt "fine" for a long time. But when the lust/infatuation period of my relationship with girl #2 was ending and TRUE intimacy and commitment were coming into view...I withdrew. I tried to hide it by being super nice and most of my excuses for spending less time with her were for her "benefit", but my fear completely killed our intimate and emotional connection.

 

At first I thought of girl #1 only with pity and sadness and was angry with myself. This feeling was very subdued for a long time, but resurfaced again months later in my depression. If I wasn't completely distracted by work, the anger with myself would resurface. I found it hard to be happy and love myself, and my daily thoughts were murky and miserable. It got worse around girl #2 because I didn't feel like I deserved her affection and love.

 

I only went through the grieving process fully and became angry at girl #1 after girl #2 left me.

 

And thank you, I'll look into that survivor support forum.

[Never Again]

Somewhere too along your path of recovery....it may be a good idea to consider some forgiveness to #1. I know that's most likely impossible now...but even though through all the pain you suffered, she obviously suffered much much more....and that is really sad. And no, you had nothing to do with the core of her pain even though she projected that on you.

 

If you ever get to that point, you could vow to live your very best life and be happy. I'd like to believe that wherever her soul is...she is deeply sorry...and that would at least somehow put a positive spin to a situation that ended completely awful for her, you, girl #2 and family and friends of all involved.

 

Amazing how so many can be affected by 1 abuser...and abuse in general.

 

I've moved beyond my anger and depression because of girl #1, but forgiveness will be a long time in coming. She was certainly in pain, but to affect so many people...to destroy MY life and MY happiness like she did...that's a pain that'll stay with me for a long time.

 

I couldn't function properly for a long time, suffered from insomnia, and was generally miserable. My state of being led to me being bullied at work, which only made things worse. All that nasty stuff cost me girl #2...a relationship that, until I withdrew and became "weird", seemed to really have potential.

 

I'm sure I'll forgive #1 eventually, but that'll come at a time when losing #2 no longer causes my chest to tighten in the slightest. I'd love to reconnect with #2, but I don't think it's really possible. I haven't spoken with her in 4 months now, so I doubt she'd be interested.

[amaysngrace]

You sound like you're processing everything really well. Good for you!

 

I know I'd be happy to hear from a guy I cared about if I hadn't heard from him in four months. I think it's worth a shot to reach out. It's not like you have anything to lose really because you already doubt she'd want to hear from you.

 

You may be surprised. But if you don't try then for sure you won't have a shot.

[Never Again]

You sound like you're processing everything really well. Good for you!

 

I know I'd be happy to hear from a guy I cared about if I hadn't heard from him in four months. I think it's worth a shot to reach out. It's not like you have anything to lose really because you already doubt she'd want to hear from you.

 

You may be surprised. But if you don't try then for sure you won't have a shot.

 

Thank you.

 

I've got more to go ahead of me. I don't know if I'd be able to handle true intimacy with anyone quite yet, and I still harbor a lot of pain and regret over losing girl #2.

 

I blame myself for not opening up to her. To this day, I really don't think she knows the full extent of what I was going through.

 

I may reach out someday. Part of my hesitation has been because I guess I feel like I DO have something to lose. There was a feeble attempt at reconnecting back in October that just fizzled out and left me disappointed and hurt.

[amaysngrace]

But you're in a better place now, correct?

 

Maybe you can drop off a box of candy or flowers with a card on Valentines Day. That's always a good day to let people know you care.

 

Plus you can write something personal to her in the card or even write a letter to explain where you were and where you are in your head and put that in the card if you want.

 

Then the ball is in her court but what you'd be doing wouldn't be viewed as being exceptionally creepy, I don't think.

 

If nothing else it will allow you to get your feelings known to her which will also help you break the barrier you experience when trying to create intimacy.

 

Maybe run it by your counselor if you think it sounds like a good idea and don't have any objections to it. They'd probably be better able to guide you on this course of action.

 

I just think it's much better to not leave any stone unturned than to live with the regret of should've could've would've...

 

If you get no response then you can give up but at least you'll be giving up knowing you went the extra mile.

[Hopeful714]

Yea, I agree with the above.

 

Aside from your depression from all this being the "beginning of the end" so to speak with girl #2, you did nothing to consciously and purposely hurt her. And, I would think, or hope, that she would be somewhat understanding of what you were going through.

 

I don't think there would be a problem to reach out at as a friend just to say hello, and talk a bit. But don't even attempt this if your not ready.

 

Lastly, I will be honest...there is a chance that she may find all this "too much" meaning she may think that there is just too much emotional bad stuff and baggage to become involved again and may still want to move on. But I do think she may enjoy hearing from you. And this way ther are no shoulda woulda coulda.

 

Whatever and whenever you decide....slow...slow...slow. Rush nothing.

[Never Again]

I have a few days to consider it, so I'll mull it over.

 

Slowly is the key.

 

I guess I'm torn. We split 8 months ago and have been out of touch for 4. 4 months ago she seemed interested in reconnecting, so I reached out (tried to give her a goodluck charm we bought together...I think it creeped her out lol) and even invited her to a platonic lunch. She seemed happy at the invitation and agreed...but said she'd owe me as she was traveling.

 

We haven't spoken since. She caught wind of my counseling from a mutual friend, but has been enjoying loads of attention from other guys that are happy and free of my kind of baggage.

 

I wanted to have a future with this girl and I miss her dearly, but I wouldn't want to make her uncomfortable. I tried to leave the ball in her court 4 months ago (that might've expired lol), but I want to let her move on if that's her choice.

[Never Again]

So, Valentine's Day has come and gone...as has her birthday.

 

I decided to stick to No Contact and not reach out to her.

 

We spoke last in the middle of October and seemed like we were reconnecting, at least on a friendly level, but went through the holidays with silence...and this was after she said she'd "owe me" a lunch get together to catch up.

 

While I miss her very, very much, I feel like giving her space is best for both of us - I'm still healing from the breakup (since I had to deal with everything else first), and she probably wants space from me to freely move on.

 

I was recently diagnosed with an anxiety disorder similar to PTSD due to the trauma of the suicide, which I guess helps to explain the lack of interest I had in...pretty much anything...during the last 2 months of my relationship, as well as my avoiding conversation, spending time with her and intimacy.

 

Thank you all for your insight. Dealing with the guilt of the suicide, the abuse that preceded it (topped off by the pictures of her self inflicted wounds), and trying to "think through it" all on my own made the problems far worse. Goes to show that denial is a strong force...I swept my problems under the carpet so far that I didn't even consider confronting them until another trauma brought them to light.

[pteromom]

I always "knew" it wasn't my fault, but it FELT like it was.

 

Of course it did! Even when someone and their family isn't blaming you, and even when someone's death isn't self-inflicted, you always ask "what could I have done differently to change the outcome?" That's very common.

 

Add to it the suicide and her blaming you in her note, and of course you are going to feel guilty and at fault.

 

And of course you are going to withdraw from people and be afraid to be vulnerable and open with someone.

 

I would be shocked if you weren't.

 

I guess I didn't realize how much the suicide had really f**cked me up. I didn't want to admit it. She was troubled, selfish and hateful and was trying to ruin the best thing that'd ever come into my life. I didn't want to admit to myself, or anyone else, that she had hurt me so badly.

 

She was very very messed up, obviously. I am sorry you went through that.

 

You will be ok. You are doing all the right things - counseling, talking, analyzing your thoughts and feelings. Eventually, you will be ready to try again for a loving adult relationship.

 

Just be kind to yourself and take one step at a time.

[Never Again]

And of course you are going to withdraw from people and be afraid to be vulnerable and open with someone.

 

I would be shocked if you weren't.

 

Yeah...

 

...I guess I just wish I hadn't.

 

I had an incredible girl that I was incredibly compatible with, but lost her because of my poor behavior after all this happened.

 

It's just a shame that the ex that killed herself got her wish - she scarred me horribly enough that it ended the wonderful relationship I had.

 

I was in "survival" mode, and stopped giving the new girlfriend the time, conversation, attention, affection, romance and intimacy she deserved. It took her leaving me, while insisting I did "nothing wrong", to make me realize that I hadn't been 100% me since the suicide.

 

She was very very messed up, obviously. I am sorry you went through that.

 

You will be ok. You are doing all the right things - counseling, talking, analyzing your thoughts and feelings. Eventually, you will be ready to try again for a loving adult relationship.

 

Just be kind to yourself and take one step at a time.

 

Thank you. She was very troubled, but I didn't cut her off earlier because I wanted to help her.

 

Bit me in the ass.

 

I suppose I should've done all these "right" things sooner.

 

Again, I just wish I hadn't lost a girl I really wanted to spend the future with because of the depression I succumbed to. Not putting in the effort to see her, talk with her enough, or do anything fun or progress the relationship...well, I let it stagnate. The new girl leaving was an all new trauma that drove deep into my heart and made me realize exactly how screwed up I was.

 

The fact that she couldn't name one thing I did wrong...that she still thought so highly of me but had lost those "in love" feelings for me...hurt just as badly as the suicide.

 

It'll be quite some time before I'll be ready to let anyone "in", I think.

[amaysngrace]

The girl you lost sounds insensitive and selfish to me. You were going through so much and she couldn't handle it.

 

Maybe her leaving was a blessing in disguise. She, too, was put to a test and she failed if you ask me.

[Never Again]

The girl you lost sounds insensitive and selfish to me. You were going through so much and she couldn't handle it.

 

Maybe her leaving was a blessing in disguise. She, too, was put to a test and she failed if you ask me.

 

It's possible, but it's hard to say.

 

She dealt with a LOT - she knew everything that was going on, and she saw me get upset, depressed, and complain (which was a once a week thing about work).

 

Can't fault her for following her heart, and it wasn't with me anymore. I had become stagnant under the weight I was buried under, after all.

 

Doesn't help that her life, from work to hobbies to interests, is nonstop fun and excitement...while mine is rather low-key and "normal".

[Never Again]

I think that part of the fear I had was that...well, that maybe I'd inadvertently abused girl #2.

 

She was incredibly excited about the idea of starting a project with me 2.5 months before she left, but it freaked me out and I gently picked apart the reasons it couldn't happen yet.

 

She wanted to spend more time with me, but I was just too burnt out. She wanted me to participate in fun activities with her, but I was just too tired all the time. She wanted me to read her favorite book, but I worked myself to death instead of taking time to enjoy it (and life).

 

I guess I feel like I neglected her. I was never cold or mean to her, and never outright rejected her. I knew I wasn't giving her the attention she deserved, so I tried to be very nice when we were together...but continuing to be so close to her scared me.

 

I just feel like I had been selfish. I was so depressed that, when I withdrew, I stopped fulfilling her emotional needs. She just wanted to feel close to me, to spend time with me and have a recreational companion. She knew what I was going through and never complained about how we were slowing down...but a distance formed between us during those rough two months.

 

I never intended to let it happen, but she no longer felt that close and profound emotional connection to me because I pulled away and wasn't showing the same level of interest/passion I had in the beginning.

 

I was still affectionate and told her I loved her each and every day, I just wasn't providing the same attention I had before. I didn't put thought into my texts, didn't plan out special nights together (didn't go up to see her, period), didn't go to the things she wanted me too...and yet she STILL told me that I did nothing wrong at the end.

 

I mean, I guess I did nothing outright "wrong" or wasn't treating her "badly", but I probably made her feel very lonely and neglected. I wish she'd told me.

 

Instead I feel like I mistreated someone and continued the cycle of abuse.

[robaday]

Sorry to hear of your experiences and loss, I cant imagine what it must have been like.

 

But yes I can identify. I had a 3 year on off toxic relationship with a woman, who was in no particular order: kind, caring, sexy, loving, controlling, jealous, abusive and manipulative. And if Im honest Im no saint either and did things I regret.

 

Guess I spent three years constantly feeling guilty for not being enough for her (perhaps low self esteem on my part and overbearingness/jealousy on hers). Afterward it took me a year and a half to rebuild my self esteem but how much she hurt after traumatized me a little. There was a suicide threat, there was a threat at assaulting me, there was one "breakin" where I got up in the middle of the night and literally sprinted round to her house as she had called me saying someone had broken into her house......no one was there but I stayed on the sofa until the morning

 

Im scared to date people unless I hurt them. Scared to get close in case I hurt them, scared to go through any of this stuff again. A big part of me would prefer to be single and just AVOID it all, because the strong emotions encountered in relationships are too intense for me.

[Never Again]

Im scared to date people unless I hurt them. Scared to get close in case I hurt them, scared to go through any of this stuff again. A big part of me would prefer to be single and just AVOID it all, because the strong emotions encountered in relationships are too intense for me.

 

Thank you for your condolences.

 

I understand this mindset more than I care to admit.

 

This is how I felt towards the end of my last relationship - and it turned me into someone that no one would've wanted to hang out with or date. I was scared to be hurt, and I was scared I'd hurt her.

 

I was scared to go through the trauma again, and I was scared of sharing it. I grew distant, weak, and passive. The strong emotions I felt towards the girl I was with were terrifying, and I stopped planning dates or connecting with her like I used to because I couldn't get past my anxiety.

 

I turned into someone that NO ONE would want to date - I just wish I'd been called out on being a pushover, on putting her on a pedestal, on seeming tired, disinterested, or depressed. I needed a "wake up call", and when I got it, I sprung into action and sought out help. I just wish I'd sought professional help earlier.

 

Not to save my last relationship, but because I needed the help, desperately.

[Downtown]

Pfenix, I'm sorry for your losses. Both of them. Has anyone mentioned to you that GF #1 likely suffered from strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)?

[Never Again]

Pfenix, I'm sorry for your losses. Both of them. Has anyone mentioned to you that GF #1 likely suffered from strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)?

 

Actually, no, though I'd had some suspicions on my own.

 

Her mother was bipolar, but never sought treatment. Girl #1 thought she might be bipolar as well (which might explain the nightly "self-medicating" with alcohol), but...again...never sought treatment.

[Never Again]

Things have been slowly improving. It's only taken 1.5 years since the suicide, the worst break up of my life, a career change, and lots of counseling.

 

I think I've finally forgiven girl #1, though I still miss girl #2 very much. I really wish I hadn't pulled away. I was scared and was going through the motions of a relationship, but wasn't providing the connection, intimacy, conversation or recreational companionship I had in the beginning. I broke what we had, and I'm not sure I'll ever be okay with losing the girl I wanted a future with because of my depression and inability to function properly.

 

Girl #1 did a number on me. I became used to the fights and heightened emotions and forgot that you're just supposed to be HAPPY. I blamed myself not only for her decision to commit suicide, but for not calling 911 and stopping her when she threatened to hurt herself. I did not love her, but she was a human being and deserved to live. My happiness was not worth her life - and so I destroyed my happiness as well. I sabotaged the best thing I had because I didn't feel like I deserved it.

 

I've made strides, but I would still give anything to travel back a year and force myself to get counseling.