Is fear of intimacy normal after abuse? (long post, deals with abuse and breakups)

[SummerAngel]

Thank you for sharing your story. You have inspired me. I have been abused in the past and kept things quiet to not make waves. I hope the counselling helps and everything works out for you.

[Downtown]

I'd had some suspicions on my own [about Girl #1 having BPD]. Her mother was bipolar, but never sought treatment. Girl #1 thought she might be bipolar as well....

The cutting behavior you describe is STRONGLY associated with BPD -- so much so that self-harming like cutting is one of the nine traits used for diagnosing BPD. A 2004 hospital study of self-harming women concluded:

...the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma. See

Understanding those who se... [J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004] - PubMed - NCBI

.

As to Girl 1# believing she had bipolar disorder, perhaps she did. I note that a recent large scale study (pub. 2008 ) found that 40% of BPDers also have co-occurring bipolar disorder. See Table 3. Like your Ex, my BPDer exW would threaten suicide whenever she was very distraught. She would walk to a nearby tall bridge, knowing I was following protectively behind her. When I stopped following her to the bridge, she started going to a nearby subway platform -- where she would call me and say she is going to jump in front of the next train. And then she would hang up the phone. Of course, I ran down there several times. But, when I stopped responding, she stopped doing that too.

 

Unlike Girl #1, however, my exW is a high functioning BPDer. If Girl #1 really did have strong BPD traits, she almost certainly was low functioning much of the time. I say this because cutting is common among LF BPDers but rare among HF BPDers. My exW, for example, never did cutting, head banging, or other physical acts of self harm.

 

I mention this because, if Girl #1 was low functioning as the cutting behavior seems to suggest, there is a good chance she was going to eventually commit suicide -- NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID. When a person is suffering so much emotional pain that cutting her arm actually provides great relief, the risk of suicide rises dramatically. And, unless a court is willing to institutionalize that suicidal person, there is absolutely no way you can prevent her from taking her own life.

[Never Again]

Thank you for sharing your story. You have inspired me. I have been abused in the past and kept things quiet to not make waves. I hope the counselling helps and everything works out for you.

 

I'm glad I could help someone, somehow.

 

Pick who you speak with carefully, but don't hold back. Trying to "keep the peace" with everyone else will only tire you out. It will weaken you and leave you hollow.

 

See someone. The sooner the better.

 

The cutting behavior you describe is STRONGLY associated with BPD -- so much so that self-harming like cutting is one of the nine traits used for diagnosing BPD. A 2004 hospital study of self-harming women concluded:

...the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma. See

Understanding those who se... [J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004] - PubMed - NCBI

.

As to Girl 1# believing she had bipolar disorder, perhaps she did. I note that a recent large scale study (pub. 2008 ) found that 40% of BPDers also have co-occurring bipolar disorder. See Table 3. Like your Ex, my BPDer exW would threaten suicide whenever she was very distraught. She would walk to a nearby tall bridge, knowing I was following protectively behind her. When I stopped following her to the bridge, she started going to a nearby subway platform -- where she would call me and say she is going to jump in front of the next train. And then she would hang up the phone. Of course, I ran down there several times. But, when I stopped responding, she stopped doing that too.

 

Unlike Girl #1, however, my exW is a high functioning BPDer. If Girl #1 really did have strong BPD traits, she almost certainly was low functioning much of the time. I say this because cutting is common among LF BPDers but rare among HF BPDers. My exW, for example, never did cutting, head banging, or other physical acts of self harm.

 

I mention this because, if Girl #1 was low functioning as the cutting behavior seems to suggest, there is a good chance she was going to eventually commit suicide -- NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID. When a person is suffering so much emotional pain that cutting her arm actually provides great relief, the risk of suicide rises dramatically. And, unless a court is willing to institutionalize that suicidal person, there is absolutely no way you can prevent her from taking her own life.

 

Thank you, Downtown.

 

I wasn't really aware of the specifics of BPD, or about what path it'd lead her down. I didn't disconnect enough from Girl #1 when I should have because of her threats and behavior. I allowed myself to be abused even while dating Girl #2 because I didn't know how to distance myself with all the threats of self-harm.

 

I'm sorry you went through such things with your exW. Her behavior sounds horribly manipulative. I suppose Girl #1's behavior was as well.

[Never Again]

I suppose this is as good a place as any to chronicle progress, though I'll admit that I'm floored that there have been over 34,000 views on this thread. I can't fathom even a tenth of that many people actually reading my story.

 

I'm still reeling from it all, and I have good days and bad.

 

It's difficult to accept that I was traumatized and depressed, and that I let my whole life fall apart around me.

 

The signs were so clear, and yet I hid them, even from myself. I changed so much. I had cloudy-thoughts, could flip from irritable to angry to apathetic to upset at the drop of a hat, I cried daily for seemingly no reason, I was fatigued and wanted to sleep all the time yet suffered from insomnia, and I lost interest in everything.

 

I couldn't communicate with the girl I was dating at the time because I just couldn't think straight. I knew I loved her with all my heart, but holding a conversation took a lot of energy because my mind would go blank. I had difficulty paying attention to her, and the urge to be physically affectionate was all but gone.

 

The girl I was with did her best to try and cheer me up with jokes or urging me to be positive during the few times I'd open up about being down...and while I appreciated the efforts, I didn't show that appreciation as well as I should have because her efforts had no effect. I loved her dearly, but because I never explained to her the extend of my feelings or my depression, she didn't know how to handle it. It all became too much after awhile, I'm sure, and she just wanted to get away and not be dragged down by the negativity surrounding me.

 

I'm not cataloging this to relive it, but to document my understanding of my failures. While I understand that my depression wasn't my fault, dealing with it WAS my responsibility.

 

I did not seek counseling directly after the abuse, and I didn't seek help when I was depressed. I thought I could be strong. I thought I could get through it. Well, I've learned that depression is not weakness. It is not simply a sadness or melancholy either. It is a negative, destructive force. It is a contradiction to all that is wonderful in life. It robs you of yourself, and because it is so horribly misunderstood (like most mental illness), most either turn a blind eye to it...or try to cheer you up as though you were just sad/upset/moody.

 

I still am retaining some damage from this, but I'm actively shedding most.

 

However, to any who've been the victim of any sort of abuse or depression, my recommendation is to seek help and OVER-COMMUNICATE. Talk until you're blue in the face. Try to articulate the darkness in your life, even if it's just to a piece of paper. Share your story somewhere, with someone. You won't truly understand the affects it's had on your everyday life until you do.

 

The sooner the better, lest you be like and find out far too late to salvage some very important connections in your life.

 

As I've walked out of this fog of trauma, horror and sadness, I can see very clearly how I was genuinely not myself for nearly two months. I can see how badly I was broken and how I let my life slip into the abyss because of it.

 

Suffering abuse will destroy the foundations of who you are. It will cast you into the void and leave you feeling lost, powerless and without hope. It can defeat you, if you let it.

 

I miss the girl I was dating to this very day. I was not attentive, affectionate or positive enough to deserve her towards the end, but my heart was always with her...even in my depressed and battered state. I didn't want her to see my weakness, but by trying to strong for so long meant that I was boxing up the real issues that I needed to sort out in order to have a truly healthy relationship. She was not selfish or immature to walk away - she didn't understand what I was going through because I didn't understand what I was going through well enough to tell her. I avoided confronting the issues within myself, and they build up until I could no longer function as a human...and the relationship I offered wouldn't have been satisfying for anyone. If I could go back, I would seek help earlier and would involve her every step of the way, letting her in on my pain and suffering.

 

This post ended up being a lot longer and a lot more hippy-dippy and about the girl I was dating than I intended, but I'll let it stand as is. I've received a lot of great support from this website, and I cannot thank the people here enough...and if sharing what I went through can convince just a handful of the ~34,000 that have apparently read it to seek help or be true to themselves, then I'll know that there was a bright side somewhere.

 

Here's to stream of consciousness typing - there may be a complete lack of direction, but perhaps the message I had in my heart will ring true regardless.