Frustrated and confused wife

[Krisp]

I have been married for fifteen years. We are very committed to each other and good friends. I love my husband and he loves me. We've been through so much together and we share a fourteen year old daughter. She is the apple of our eyes. Here's my problem... He stopped enjoying sex a long time ago.

It seems to me that any sex we've had in the last year was forced because he felt me slipping away and he doesn't want that. I feel as though I need to divorce him. He is not OK with that idea however and I don't know what to do about that. People seem to be able to leave each other so easily, I don't know how they do it. I know leaving him will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it seems like the only left to do.

This morning he got frisky with me and I rolled over to him. He asked me not to but I helped him out and he came. It took all of one minute. I started to cry, not that he knew I did, and I rolled back over to my side of the bed. I asked myself who I was sad for, him or me. I just felt so sad. He was embarrassed and I believe he felt selfish. I just let it go and took one for the team so to speak. I have felt like crap all day though.

If anyone out there has any idea or suggestion as to what I should be doing about this problem I would really appreciate hearing it. We're both attractive thirty seven year olds in fine fit and good health so It's not a weight issue or a health issue but rather a mental issue I'm afraid. Oh and he refuses to go to a doctor of any kind. He's stubborn like that. He says he doesn't want a medical record.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can understand your frustration! It sounds like the problem is his - and if he refuses to get it fixed or even consider any medical intervention: mental or physical health, then there aren't many options left. It sounds like he is content with himself and unconcerned about meeting your needs, or taking the steps to see that your needs are met mutually. You'll have to do some digging on your own. Have you talked to him about what is going on that would cause him to be this way? Is it a natural decline (meaning there are no outside factors contributing), or is his decline based on some outside influence: stress at work, an affair, etc? Have you noticed any other behaviors changing besides the sexual ones? What are his reasons for not wanting a medical record? Has he always avoided physicians? It would help to know if he is truly phobic against having a 'record' or if he is frightened about the results, or if he is hiding something.

 

If he absolutely refuses to cooperate, acknowledge your feelings, or take even the most minimal steps toward seeing that both your needs are met mutually - then you may want to consider approaching him about a separation. It may take that for him to realize how deeply his behavior is affecting you - and perhaps it will get him into a mindset that is more friendly toward repairing the problems rather than chalking it all up as a loss.

[NiCoLe20]

get viagra and put it in his drink

[Bubbles]

Oh Now! That's good advice......LOL........Drug Him!!!!

ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's not going to work! What if

she drugs him and he still does'nt make a move?

 

I think the proof is already there right in front of her. He's not interested.

For some stupid reason he does'nt seem interested.

 

You want to know something?

There are a lot of men out there who are just not as "horney" as they used to be in

their earlier years and the same women that they have been with cannot figure out

what is going on! Some men are just very, very content with their women....they don't

fool around & they are not interested in any other women......they are just Happy and Content

with their life as it is.

 

The part that he laid there in bed and masterbated right besid her and did'nt make a move?

That would have hurt and pissed me off! Big Time. My ex b/friend felt very comfortable masterbating

in front of me so while he was out screwing the ass off of other women when he came home and laid

in bed with me......rather than having sex with me (because it's just wrong to have sex with TWO people

at once) he would lay there and masterbate and not allow me to do anything.........

 

Do either senarios sound familiar?

 

bubbles

[Krisp]

You want to know something?

There are a lot of men out there who are just not as "horney" as they used to be in

their earlier years and the same women that they have been with cannot figure out

what is going on! Some men are just very, very content with their women....they don't

fool around & they are not interested in any other women......they are just Happy and Content

with their life as it is.

 

 

Y'know, that seems like it. He's very comfortable with me. However, that seems the easy way out to me and I don't think he should be off the hook like that. I appreciate the advice but I'm going with LucreziaBorgia and I have to agree with much of what you said. I appreciate the insight and yes I have asked him everything under the sun and he always comes back with a satisfying answer. He believes the way the world is going he is better off not letting a doctor put opinions about him in a record. He just changed his career and even admitted to me last night that his distant attitude couldn't be blamed on his job anymore because he now loves his job. I know he's concerned too because he got frisky with me this morning. He was not masterbating beside me. He didn't want me to get excited that he was being frisky because he said he'd been thinking of me all night and he was ready to pop as he put it. That's when I helped him out anyway and then we both ended up feeling awful. He came after getting me excited and I was left to roll over and go back to sleep.

I can tell that one of the forced encounters is going to occur because of this morning. He's afraid it's been too long and I'll start to "talk" about it again and then I'll bring up separation. He hates that. He'll be wonderful too, it'll be awesome between us and everything will be ok for a few days and then we'll be right back in the same boat for months. It's an endless cycle and I don't know how to change it for the better.

I have to agree that it's his problem and I also have to say that I have always been right there for all of his problems, so it makes it hard for me to distinguish the value of his problems v.s. mine, which is why this morning I really didn't know if I was shedding tears for him or for me. I am seeing a a doctor to help me figure out if there's something wrong with me but so far all he's asked me is why I stay and honestly it's because I believed in til death do you part and so does my husband. It's just the way it was suppose to be. We're very good together and I just don't know what to do.

[moimeme]

He believes the way the world is going he is better off not letting a doctor put opinions about him in a record

 

This is just ridiculous. Illogical, paranoid, and ridiculous.

 

If the man doesn't want a divorce, then tell him the price of no divorce is seeing a physician. Period. And if the physician suggests a psychiatrist, then that has to be done, too. And make good on the ultimatum.

[immoralist]

Your husband's behavior is puzzling. Most healthy 37 year old men have fine sex drives. There are any number of possible causes for your husband's lack of interest and enjoyment in marital sex: an affair (whether emotional or physical), chronic stress, depression, a physical condition, obsessive porn use, sexual orientation shift, hostility, passive-aggressive behavior, resentment, guilt, compulsive masturbation. The list goes on and on.

 

I know you believe your love is mutual, but when an otherwise young, healthy and fit spouse undergoes a sexual work stoppage for long durations, and the deprived spouse expresses her grief and distress to no avail, something is very wrong in the marriage. The sexual boycott, at a minimum, signifies a major intimacy blockage, an emotional alienation. This is usually much more than about sex.

 

I would look for any tell-tale signs of an affair: cell phone records, unusual expenditures, new wardrobe, changed hours, lots of working out, irritability, a general distractedness. Does you husband still talk to you as much? Make eye contact? Does he still laugh and touch you in warm friendly ways? Does he still kiss you deeply and affectionately? Does he kiss you at all, anymore? Is this distancing behavior limited to the bedroom? I somehow doubt it.

 

This could be JUST a marital slump. This slump, however, could grow into something much worse. If left untreated through effective marital counseling, your husband could become a stranger lying in bed beside you. By then, there's usually no going back.

[uberfrau]

Your choices are clear-have a secret sex-only affair, or get a vibrator, or leave him, or just don't have sex with him or anybody. Celibacy does have some virtues.

 

if he resists professional help, the above mentioned are your only options.

[startingover1028]

This could be JUST a marital slump. This slump, however, could grow into something much worse. If left untreated through effective marital counseling, your husband could become a stranger lying in bed beside you. By then, there's usually no going back.

 

I have to agree with Immoralist here... Once it has reached a certain point, there really is no going back.

 

My H and I have gone over 2 years without sex. It didn't just stop all of a sudden, though. There was a gradual decline in our love-making. I always thought it was "just a phase" and that it would resolve itself over time.... Well, the time continued but the resolution never came.

 

If you want to re-ignite your marital flame, then please start now.... seek counseling... talk about it.

Take it from someone who knows... It will not get better on its own.

[Bubbles]

ARe you absolutly sure that he is NOT fooling around or maybe he did in the past and his guilt over that is holding him back from being intimate with you? That's sounds like the ONLY reason for this. How can he be excited and was ready to "pop" he orgasms and that's it?

 

Does he always ejaculate early? If so, that may be his issue......he is getting off before you and he feels badly about it.

 

bubbles

[Krisp]

Originally posted by Bubbles

ARe you absolutly sure that he is NOT fooling around or maybe he did in the past and his guilt over that is holding him back from being intimate with you? That's sounds like the ONLY reason for this. How can he be excited and was ready to "pop" he orgasms and that's it?

 

Does he always ejaculate early? If so, that may be his issue......he is getting off before you and he feels badly about it.

 

bubbles

 

Well we've done a lot of talking in the past few days. After reading the advice from this site I let him read it and we have been talking about everything. I can't thank you enough for all the support and the intelligent responses and for helping me open a door that was closed in our relationship. He hasn't had an affair, he doesn't ejaculate early, apparently he thought he was being considerate to me. We both agreed that there are times we are just not in-tuned to the other and that we both can be distant during those times. We agree that's where we lag. After all these years together I guess we just learned to respect the others space and it caused distances. Now that we're talking about this it clears up alot of what we both have been feeling and misunderstanding.

Immoralist asked me:

"Does you husband still talk to you as much?" and I have to say that we've always talked but not about our emotional selves, we're doing that now and we're going to keep doing it.

"Make eye contact?" Yes he always has.

"Does he still laugh and touch you in warm friendly ways?" He can always makes me laugh but touching me in warm friendly was wasn't happening as often as I wanted it to. He's going to do more of it.

"Does he still kiss you deeply and affectionately? Does he kiss you at all, anymore?" We kiss everyday but not passionately, again, we're going to incorporate this back into our relationship.

"Is this distancing behavior limited to the bedroom? I somehow doubt it." It wasn't limited to the bedroom, it was in many different ways. Now that we're aware of this we're going to talk about it more.

Everyones advice helped us to talk and PLEASE! accept my gratitude. I couldn't have done it with out you. We are going to work at this with openness. We already had everything else.

[Bubbles]

That is absolutly FANTASTIC news! Keep up the good communication

 

Glad to hear that we could help and best wished in the bedroom!!!

 

bubbles