Passive aggressive

[lkey]

Wow, the points everyone made here are great, I wish I would have recognized these signs in my husband a lot earlier. He will never discuss our problems he will just sit there, even when I ask him questions or how he is feeling etc. He will just sit there and not respond. He tells me I am always looking for something wrong even with very big issues like discussing his EA's and never calling me or texting me, never planning anything, and he is rarely affectionate towards me except for s** twice a month. Eventually I just wear down and try to initiate conversation with him and he will just start talking to me like nothing ever happened! it is really hurtful.

[Yasuandio]

I used to be known as the kindest, sweetest person, with a very good heart. I think I still am. But you would never know it if you saw how cold I can be. I'm going to have to talk this over with the therapist. Thank you for telling your story, and giving me something to reflect upon.

 

 

 

 

Yas...now I know what I was fully dealing with I think these links have given me something to work from...I have been left feeling so confused, trying to work out where 'I' went wrong!?! and I know that's so stupid! I know that I have to own some of the break down blame, but before he left I thought I had a good marriage...early days after he left I felt relaxed in my home, closer to my kids and didn't really miss him at all...I saw pretty quickly 'his manipulative tactics' when he made any contact, inc with the children...cant believe I never saw them before!

 

 

Its going to take me some time to want to attempt to get into another relationship purely because I'm stunned, I too feel different within myself (not necessarily in a good way either) ive always been pretty content person...not so much so now.

 

 

Did you read on the second link the part about 'what type of person marries a PA' ....something that I too want to talk through with a therapy session...glad I found this info before meeting anyone else.

 

 

SS x

 

Yes, Sweet Susie, I read every single article attachment to both links. You are smarter now, and can continue your education on how to be the best SS. That is what NC is for.

 

I'll tell you, IMHO, the article you better keep in the front of your mind is the one entitled "Divorcing a PA.". Nothing could be more true in my case. My divorce took four years to complete. And only my side of the case, ALONE, came close to $200,000 (if you include the medical expert testimony, three business evaluations, thousands in copy fee and Court costs, etc. He hired a big-time Atlanta celebrity attorney. Stall, stall, stall. Contempt, contempt, contempt. No-sign papers, no-sign papers, no-papers. Blah, blah, blah. Get ready.

 

And guess what? It is not over after the divorce. Twice warranty deeds have been prepared by two different attorneys, and he won't sign them on the homes the Judge gave me. I cannot afford attorneys anymore. I'm in enough trouble with the first one.

 

Drive-bys past the house. Cruise my neighborhood - what a coincinidence, eh?

 

And for a couple months, he had some goon checking out my house at exactly 2:15 every nite. I finally got manic over nonsense and waited up for that idiot. I don't think he'll ever come into this sub-division again, cause I took some pictures of him. He was trying to hide behind both visors, and the rearview mirror. Maybe he camera shy.

 

So, last week, now 17 months post divorce -- the silence "I guess" is getting to him. PA apparently need something to aggitate their victims (or, if the victims stop being victims, then the PA. Needs to find a way to push their buttons - that's my theory). He has his celebrity attorney write a letter to me threatening a Motion for Contempt against me because supposedly I was three months behind on a mortgage, a month or so behind on equity line, and had not paid 2013 taxes - and his Client was concerned about his credit report.

 

When I contacted all these entities on Monday morning, each said my accounts were in perfect order and emailed attachments of my payments, and my paid contract with the tax office. I wrote a very nice letter to the attorney only (mentioned it would be nice if he would check his facts before composing an harassing letter to me).

 

Guess what!? During the week while I composed my letter and gathered documents to support my excellent standing, based on a multiple phone calls and a mailing, turns out former husband is in Collections with two companies. What do you know? Oh dear. I am so overwhelmed.

 

So wonder what's next from our PA's?

 

Personally, as an interviewee stated in another attached article, it is my goal to leave the State, (of course when my doctors feel I'm stabilized enough to take that on). As of my Appt. yesterday, my medication was upped, but doc thought I handled problems well. Thought I looked good. But why raise my meds then. Well -- I have to listen, I even got a "Nudge" this week on LS. (I was being PA by Proxy -- I really do think the spouses can pick up some of these habits in LTR). Anyway, the mod was really nice and understanding. So, doctors see stuff I dont recognize, so I picked up the new meds last night. Cheers. Yas

Edited February 6, 2014 by Yasuandio

[Shocked Suzie]

Yas ...I was waffling on so have replied via PM xxx

 

Wow, the points everyone made here are great, I wish I would have recognized these signs in my husband a lot earlier. He will never discuss our problems he will just sit there, even when I ask him questions or how he is feeling etc. He will just sit there and not respond. He tells me I am always looking for something wrong even with very big issues like discussing his EA's and never calling me or texting me, never planning anything, and he is rarely affectionate towards me except for s** twice a month. Eventually I just wear down and try to initiate conversation with him and he will just start talking to me like nothing ever happened! it is really hurtful.

 

I feel this way too, I wish i had been more observant...i was so busy being a wife/mother and just thought that it was all part of the marriage process that i failed to see...this is without doubt something i have learnt and will take into a healthier relationship one day ... because that is what it was our relationship was just skimming over the surface, he never lets anyone in and probably never will...not a partner that i want to be with.

 

The articles are a real eye opener, they have helped me understand more..but they also opened a few wounds...i'm not going to do this to myself anymore. I personally feel that its time to just except and remember the good (my kids and the happy times, cause there were many)

 

You cant take their actions personally this has been completely confirmed the past two weeks. My daughter (she is beautiful inside and out) my ex her father has decided that he no longer wants to hear her thoughts, confusion, sadness, shock ...he is ignoring her, twice this week she has tried to reach out to him..twice he treated her like a stranger (He is toxic) his behavior confirms so many things to me... I HAVE NO IDEA what to say to my daughter...told her i just dont know what to say?? and that he does love her but cant cope with her honesty, hurt and is avoiding confrontation.

 

He can throw whatever he likes at me...but my kids, thats another story! just making every day with them as complete as i possibly can.

 

Ss x

Edited February 8, 2014 by Shocked Suzie

[lockedoutluv]

I will be honest he has left me with self esteem issue and self confusion...

 

It does. It has the same effect as "gas-lighting" but I think is much more crippling to the person who is subject to passive aggressive behavior. The calmer I appear, the more aggravated you'll become.

 

If I'm being passive aggressive, I'm giving you the silent treatment as punishment. I want to force you to come to me asking "What's wrong" so I can unload on you about it. If I'm a real jerk about it, a "What's wrong" will result in a "nothing" from me coupled with some evil eyes to make you crazy thinking it's something really wrong.

 

My STBXW was also starved for affection. One of the reasons she started looking outside of our marriage for it.

 

These are amazing confessions RightThere, and they are shockingly familiar behaviors. I concur that the emotional damage can be devastating. Anyone else who sees these behaviors in their partner should be very careful. Thanks again for sharing.

[BeingMe]

These are amazing confessions RightThere, and they are shockingly familiar behaviors. I concur that the emotional damage can be devastating. Anyone else who sees these behaviors in their partner should be very careful. Thanks again for sharing.

 

In some ways, the worst of it is that others never see this side of them. They appear to be the calm/laidback/gentle spouse and we appear to be the angry/driven/bully spouse. So if they cheat, people nod knowingly.

 

For example, after someone had heard my WH had cheated,that person told me they could see why! That they caught my WH crying one time (about 8 years ago) because I'd been mean to him. My WH is a man who never cries...except on rare occasions, in public, when nothing else has worked.

 

He'd sabotaged something I was trying to do as a treat for a group of people who we were on holiday with. They were all out apart from this one guy who was in another room in the flat. I called him on it and was upset. He stayed completely calm, denying his part (he was lying) and being patronising & belittling me in that "I'm only trying to help" way. I left to go to my room to get away from the argument (where I cried silently under the covers, not wanting anyone to know). Some minutes had passed, then I heard the other guy walk past my room. As he did so,WH suddenly sobbed really loudly from the kitchen. The guy went to comfort him and WH told him how mean I'd been.

 

There as no point me saying anything, no-one would believe me.

 

But WH is a man who has only cried then, and a couple of times, very dramatically, once I discovered his affairs. And those times he cried to try and stop me asking some hard questions. When it didn't work, he stopped crying and looked angry. That's it. In almost 15 years of marriage.

 

I have spent many nights of our marriage crying, silently, under the covers, in the shower, in the loo, making sure that no-one, especially our children, saw or heard it.

 

So I have been cast as the angry wife and he is the poor victim.

 

Never mind that he used his passive aggression as justification to lie to me for most of our marriage, to manipulate and provoke me for all those years, to make himself look and feel good about himself whilst undermining me and letting me believe he was right, I must be such an awful person to ever get angry at him. Never mind that he used to hide things I needed (such as the children's shoes or lunchbags) before heading off to work and then deny all knowledge and go all monosyllabic, passively refuse to volunteer any information at all (I always found the things in wierd places and he was the last to have them)and deny,deny,deny when I found them. Never mind that he would promise to do a job and then leave it for weeks or months, but if I did it, he'd act all hurt and put out and say he'd been just about to do it...or if I dared call him on it I was criticising him.

 

Never mind that I loved him and cherished him, giving him small silly presents, making him cakes and cookies for home and for work.evermind that I bought charity shop clothes for myself and our children because he told me money was tight, while he spent the equivalent of my weekly household budget on himself each week, and far more on a night out (But I didn't know). Never mind that I always made sure he had thoughtful presents that I scrimped and saved for, for his birthday and for Christmas...while I always got given something cheap because we were budgeting.

 

Never mind that I was a writer of poetry,essays and stories before we met. That we both had that in common, but a few years later when we both wanted to make writing something,more...he told me that he didn't want me writing because he didn't want to feel like we were in competition (with the implication that I would be the competitive one), so I submitted to him and lost doing something I loved. Whilst he used it as an excuse to hide away in his study, but really watched porn and flirted online.

 

Never mind that I felt unloved and uncherished for so very long,except for those times when he seemed to sense I'd almost had it and he'd give me enough that I'd keep going. Never mind that he abused our finances, hiding huge amounts of debt from me for most of our marriage. Never mind that he cheated and gaslighted and blamed me for it....and my self esteem was so low that I believed his blame and beat myself up about it and worked on everything about me that he criticised, but it was never enough because it wasn't really about me.

 

I have felt like I had to tell people that he cheated when they ask why he left. I don't want to. But I know that he has cast me in this role for so long,that unless they are told, they will assume that he just couldn't live with his harridan wife any more. And my self esteem is so low,that that, matters to me.

 

When I married him, I was a confident capable woman with a bright future ahead of me. I will get it back.