is it true once a cheater always a cheater?

[CanadaGuy]

the girl i'mma talking to cheater once before and now she's with me should i trust her not to cheat?

 

Take advantage of it, and invite her and another women to the bedroom, she can "cheat" with a women anytime

 

Its what happens behind your back, that sucks (it really sucks)

 

And I would never trust anyone not to cheat again (ya ya, I know I'm gonna get slack for that but that's what I think) And from their perspective, it's their body, and what they want to do they can do, even if you are married, doesn't give ownership to body parts.

 

Date this one, have a great time, but don't be to surprised that she cheats again (99% chance she will)

[cplfun13]

I believe it depends on the cheaters repercusion's that were suffered after the infidelity. If he never was caught or walked away un-touched and no feeling of loss, then he probably has a higher chance of doing it again. If he has a sense of loss and suffers in some way, then he may think twice to duplicating his actions. Have you ever asked a cheater (your not envolved with) why he/she did it? It can be a learning experience and an eye opener. Listen and learn.

[tinkerbell16]

Can cheating be a one off incident or is it a character trait that will never change?

[minimariah]

Can cheating be a one off incident or is it a character trait that will never change?

 

it can definitely be one off incident. it tells something about a person's character but it does not happen in a vacuum & people do learn and change. many folks cheated once and never again.

[DKT3]

Cheating is never an isolated incident. The physical maybe a one time thing but its usually a the apex of long standing behavior.

 

People rarely truly change, who is common is people adjust and become better at presentation.

 

So to answer, most people will never really change, change is hard and requires facing some painful truths. Which most will avoid.

[Tayla]

Thank goodness modification from past behavior can be achieved.

 

Which is usually " change" in mind and goals.

 

I respect my past ..learned from it. And move on.

 

I've witnessed true redemption .maybe its those moments where I am restored to know we are mutable and capable of better life actions. Although I've also seen folks change in bitter ways...so obviously change does happen...

[Miss Clavel]

this old debate, again?

 

okay, i'm game. i don't think it's "always a cheater", i think it's about thrill seeking.

 

the need for that adrenaline rush.

 

i don't think that ever goes away, without a conscience effort to learn to control how you react to your desires to do whatever gives you the rush. and i believe that once you cross a line, it's easier to do it again.

 

 

I don't kiss men that don't belong to me, let alone correspond with them in a manner that i wouldn't want to see printed on the front page of the newspaper.

 

 

it should read, "once a liar, always a liar" and we never lie to anyone more than we do to ourselves, starting with, "they deserve it, i won't get caught, that slope ain't slippery".

Edited December 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[KimJ1234]

False. I cheated a long time before I was married. Learned my lesson and will never do it again.

[understand50]

As in all things - IT depends on the person. Some will always cheat, its just in their DNA. Others it is a one off thing. We have many examples of couples in reconciliation, where the WS has not cheated again and over a long time, and continues to be faithful. I would not bet that they would fall back into cheating. Some get the damage and pain caused, while others do not have a clue, but both types know that they cannot continue to cheat.

 

So it depends on the person cheating and how and why they cheated. Was it a drunken night of lowered boundary's, not to be repeated, or were they swept along with a experienced player? This is compared to someone, who feels entitled to cheat, or goes about looking for a AP. This person, I feel would likely cheat again. There is also the consequences, that follow. Is the cheating addressed? or just swept under the rug?

 

If we believe that people can change, and if we believe in redemption, then as we reconcile, we must believe that our spouse will stay faithful. If we cannot, there is no case for reconciliation, as we are just waiting for the "next" time. The only response is to divorce. I reject that. Each must weight if their spouse will stay faithful after an affair, and make their decision on what they know and can believe.

 

My two cents......

[usa1ah]

Once someone cheats they are a cheater. Nothing will ever change that. So yes, once a cheater always a cheater. They might not cheat again but they still cheated.

[LargoLagg]

Once someone cheats they are a cheater. Nothing will ever change that. So yes, once a cheater always a cheater. They might not cheat again but they still cheated.

that would make us all liars and crybabies, wouldn't it?

 

Ever read The Scarlet Letter? You'd make a great Puritan minister! On a field, black, the letter A, red.

Edited December 5, 2016 by LargoLagg

[Regretful one]

Once someone cheats they are a cheater. Nothing will ever change that. So yes, once a cheater always a cheater. They might not cheat again but they still cheated.

 

By your logic, you are everything YOU have ever done wrong in your past and will ALWAYS be that. Are you ok with that? Do you believe that when its projected on yourself?

 

I am an adulter and will always be someone who committed adultery that is true but I won't necessarily always be someone who commits adultery. I know men who changed their ways and have never crossed the line again. People can change. I plan to be one of those people.

 

I believe I am not defined by my past poor choices. I will have to deal with the consequences of my actions however. There is only one judge I have to answer to for my sin however.

[BoaConstrictor]

that would make us all liars and crybabies, wouldn't it?

 

Ever read The Scarlet Letter? You'd make a great Puritan minister! On a field, black, the letter A, red.

 

Yeah, I had a very short emotional affair this fall with someone I've never even met (no really, he wasn't secretly boning me at the hotel down the street) for various reasons that I am now exploring in therapy. But no, I'm not going to accept the cheater moniker for the rest of my life. I am only Hester Prynne to the extent that I am a flawed individual just like everyone else.

 

But I recognize that people on here expect me to walk around in sackcloth and ashes for the rest of my days, so I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.

[BluesPower]

I don't think it has to happen again.

 

Sometimes it does and sometimes it does not.

 

I have changed for the most part. I am clean for several months now.

[aliveagain]

A cheater will always be a cheater as long as they refuse to get the professional help they need so they understand what caused them to cheat so they never make the same mistakes. If your broken and you do nothing to fix what is broken you will always be a risk in any relationship. Imagine a broken person being like a broken car, would you risk your family by putting them in a car that has serious mechanical issues and in severe winter conditions drive 1200 miles to gammas house for Christmas? It takes a lot of hard work to break old habits but that is exactly what has to be done if you really want a shot at happiness. You have to learn what the signs are so you can do the proper maintenance on your relationship before they become a problem. The world is a lot more fun when you have someone that really cares about you to share it with.

[JohnAdams]

I do not think once a cheater always a cheater.

 

 

A person who cheats has or had some characteristic in their personality that allowed them to cross the line into adultery. Self examination and professional counseling can help a person see why they cheated and help them from ever doing it again.

 

 

There are always the people who lack morals, principles or just plain decency to do the right thing. So, they have no desire to change and never will change.

 

 

There is no one answer for all, but, anyone who has a desire to change can.

[carhill]

The more socially popular and well-liked a person is, the less likely they'll receive the label in the title and will get more BOTD. Cue up past POTUS Bill Clinton as one public example. I've seen numerous private ones. If a person is otherwise socially neutral or shunned, any transgressions are magnified and actually sought out to further denigrate them because, well, they're undesirable and unliked by the group. That's how labeling works.

 

If one has cheated, they've always cheated. If they've lied, they've always lied. If they've damaged or killed people, always that. Lived in glass houses throwing stones, that. Interesting world.

[mikeylo]

that would make us all liars and crybabies, wouldn't it?

 

Ever read The Scarlet Letter? You'd make a great Puritan minister! On a field, black, the letter A, red.

 

Well, a murderer / rapist will always be a murderer / rapist even after 10 years of imprisonment. They may not murder / rape ever again.

 

You are comparing apples and oranges.

 

There are certain behaviors that one does whose consequences the other person has to live with , sometimes for the rest of their lives, most times, for no fault of theirs.

 

But, cheaters may not cheat ever again. The label will always be there. The BS's hurt and pain is something that cheaters can never understand and many times are expected to get over because the cheater said sorry and says they wont do it again!

[Davey L]

No more or less true than "once <anything> always <anything>".

How many of us have done something wrong sometime? Does that mean we'll do it again and again?

Of course, if there is a recurring pattern of behaviour then we might reasonably think it is likely to continue, unless there is some indication it has already stopped.

[carhill]

Reading these forums, it appears cheating, in the realm of relationships, ranks right up there with murder in the criminal realm, far above other transgressions which humans commit against each other, and more perceived to be a recidivist act without apparent redemption. What I've noted in real life, over decades of interactions, is that people vary widely in perception of such acts as cheating, and vary widely emotionally relevant to that perception. IOW, how we feel drives how we perceive actions and words.

 

Ironically, I happen to have a movie on right now which stars a lady who, notoriously and publicly, apparently stole her best friend's husband through an affair and later married him, yet lived a long and storied life and was married a number of other times. Why would men, knowing her peccadilloes, keep coming back to drink from the well? Their emotions drove their perception and, overwhelmingly, they were mesmerized and discounted what in a less popular and powerful woman would have been a detestable act and made her unworthy of commitment. This happens all the time, with both women and men, since infidelity is, and has been for a long time, quite common. If I'm a 'once a cheater always a cheater' believer and run into one of them, they don't care because, well, I'm one of billions and easily replaced or ignored. Individually, in the big scheme of things, we don't really matter that much. There's 15,000 more replacements being born each hour on the planet.

[LargoLagg]

Well, a murderer / rapist will always be a murderer / rapist even after 10 years of imprisonment. They may not murder / rape ever again.

 

You are comparing apples and oranges.

 

There are certain behaviors that one does whose consequences the other person has to live with , sometimes for the rest of their lives, most times, for no fault of theirs.

 

But, cheaters may not cheat ever again. The label will always be there. The BS's hurt and pain is something that cheaters can never understand and many times are expected to get over because the cheater said sorry and says they wont do it again!

And if the murderer/rapist was also once a humanitarian, then he'll always be a humanitarian murderer/rapist?

 

The suffix ER implies ongoing activity. For example, if you ran high school track, but are fat and 50 today, you'd be hard pressed to call yourself a runner just because you once did.

 

MurderER, CheatER, AdulterER implies the same.

 

It's not that I don't understand your point, but rather, that the label may be unfairly applied if we're talking about a guy who cheated on his first girlfriend in 9th grade by kissing some other girl when he was going steady, and today, he's married for a bazillion years without incident. Like the former runner, it would be difficult to fairly apply this label "cheater" to his current circumstance.

 

To do so would make you exactly like the right Reverend John Wilson in the aforementioned story about sin, guilt, punishment, repentance and forgiveness. Hester was to wear the A for life.

 

I'd say it depends. It's probably in the eye of the beholder. 9th grade Sally may have never really gotten over this one-time act of betrayal, so to her, he's nothing but a no-good, dirty, lying cheater. To the rest of the world, he's a great guy.

 

As to what the BS does, that's really their choice. They may be expected to get over it, but that doesn't mean that they have to live up to somebody else's expectation in this any more than they live up to other people's expectation about how they spend their time and money. But this is a completely different issue.

[mikeylo]

And if the murderer/rapist was also once a humanitarian, then he'll always be a humanitarian murderer/rapist?

 

The suffix ER implies ongoing activity. For example, if you ran high school track, but are fat and 50 today, you'd be hard pressed to call yourself a runner just because you once did.

 

MurderER, CheatER, AdulterER implies the same.

 

It's not that I don't understand your point, but rather, that the label may be unfairly applied if we're talking about a guy who cheated on his first girlfriend in 9th grade by kissing some other girl when he was going steady, and today, he's married for a bazillion years without incident. Like the former runner, it would be difficult to fairly apply this label "cheater" to his current circumstance.

 

To do so would make you exactly like the right Reverend John Wilson in the aforementioned story about sin, guilt, punishment, repentance and forgiveness. Hester was to wear the A for life.

 

I'd say it depends. It's probably in the eye of the beholder. 9th grade Sally may have never really gotten over this one-time act of betrayal, so to her, he's nothing but a no-good, dirty, lying cheater. To the rest of the world, he's a great guy.

 

As to what the BS does, that's really their choice. They may be expected to get over it, but that doesn't mean that they have to live up to somebody else's expectation in this any more than they live up to other people's expectation about how they spend their time and money. But this is a completely different issue.

 

Just wow !

[Noirek]

Well, a murderer / rapist will always be a murderer / rapist even after 10 years of imprisonment. They may not murder / rape ever again.

 

You are comparing apples and oranges.

 

There are certain behaviors that one does whose consequences the other person has to live with , sometimes for the rest of their lives, most times, for no fault of theirs.

 

But, cheaters may not cheat ever again. The label will always be there. The BS's hurt and pain is something that cheaters can never understand and many times are expected to get over because the cheater said sorry and says they wont do it again!

 

You're not a cheatist. So, nice try but fail. And just like murder, cheating once over often people do go on and begin a new title. Many people will even say you "were" a murderer. It all comes down to preception too.

 

So this "debate with no answer" as two parts. First if you want to know if a person who cheats once will cheat again... You can't. It comes down to individual situations and behaviours and all that good things said. Second if you mean the label put on by other people. Well that also depends as well. Since I could care less that anonymous people on here see my as a cheater now and forever, my husband doesn't and that is all that matters. In his mind the answer is no.

 

It's all just a matter of opinion and view.

 

And no I did not lead a whole life that ultimately ended in my cheating. Life stories are far to varied for that narrow minded view of every infidelity. I pity any woman who is still with a man who views her like that.

[tinkerbell16]

I believe it depends on the cheaters repercusion's that were suffered after the infidelity. If he never was caught or walked away un-touched and no feeling of loss, then he probably has a higher chance of doing it again. If he has a sense of loss and suffers in some way, then he may think twice to duplicating his actions. Have you ever asked a cheater (your not envolved with) why he/she did it? It can be a learning experience and an eye opener. Listen and learn.

 

Yes. It happened in w previous relationship. He said it was a huge mistake, that he ended up confessing to her unprompted. He has told me it was a "stupid an immature" thing to have done. He seems remorseful. He suffered concequences (it ultimately ended their relationship).

 

He is very trustworthy... so far so good.

 

Then again, so was my ex husband who cheated in the end lol

[fenix]

You know that person once thought that cheating was an option, that person didn't stand to the standards and didn't respect the person she/he was dating at that moment... what makes you think that person will act differently with you?