Age Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 Im 22 and met my 24 year old girlfriend labour day weekend of 2004. She had just broken up with her 34 year old boyfriend(who she lived with and basicaly supported) of 4 years a few months before we had met. When we had met she was still in the middle of settling the feelings she had with her ex and i was very much aware of that and chose to live with it. I was very confident in myself and my relationship with her and didnt think he would get in the way. Sparks flew all the way up till the newyear. We never had any big arguements, some minor bickering mixed with laughter. We connected well with eachothers friends, and families, and enjoyed doing just about anything together. Sex was the best she had, she admited. Her and her ex didnt communicate much up until a week or 2 before newyears, he would create reasons to have to come by her new place to see her or talk to her...ride to airport, taking care of their dogs which he now has, mutual belongings etc... It started getting worse when the ex had found out just how much time me and her spent together, including the nights i stayed there. She has attempted to "finalize" things with her ex a few times, and each time failed. Her failure in doing so has taken from my confidence and has made me uneasy which has caused us to bicker and stress about her ex. I know that he brings up and reminice feelings and emotions they had shared, and makes her resent being with me. Insisting that she needed time alone, and that its unfair to him that she had sparked a new relationship without giving her time to reconsider their relationship. Things havent been the same between us for a few weeks now. She is the one insisting on getting together all the time, and when we do we always have a good time untill the ex calls or is brought up. We havent slept with one another since newyears(which was great!), and there is this 'friend' feeling between us. She claims she doesnt feel right being intimate with me when she still has these unsettled feelings for her ex. I know she compares the 'mental connection' she has or had with her ex of 4 years to the one she has with me after 3 months. We both feel we have connected in many ways and continued to connected up untill i had got more involved with her and familiar with her ex issues. She is just finshed settling into her new place(2nd since her breakup) and is becoming very busy with her new job and 2 nights a week at school. Her and her ex have agreed to take a 30 day "no communication" to see how they feel. We have recently talked and both agreed that we need a bit more time to our selves. I know i need to time to rethink and relax... Our relationship was much better when i did not know exactly what was going on between her and her ex. Im not worried that she is going to get back together with her ex, but worried she might push me away aswell. I dont even know where exactly im going with all this, but i guess im asking for some advice Link to post Share on other sites
very-confused-girl Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 I am feel very sorry for you. I was/am in a simillar situation a little bit. My boyfriend´s ex-gf of 8 years started invading our relationship. It didnt make sense to me because they are already 5 years apart from each other and I was very upset with my boyfriends approach that he didnt "eliminate" her and cut off contact with her. But he is just friendly to her, he doesnt want to hurt her feelings, therefore he is still in touch with her. But he know he absolutely loves me and wants to be with me. Your situation is worse that you girlfriend is letting herself manipulate with her ex-bf and he is trying to get her back. And she seems to be easily manipulated. I can absolutely imagine how you feel and do admire your patience. I mean if she is not so confident about being, than she is still not that much into you. Starting relationship with someone who has been involved in a long-term relationship is not easy thing. And I am very judgemental of people like your girlfriend that they dont keep enough time and distance from their ex-partners before they get together with somebody new. It is very selfish of her that she made herself involved in a relationship with you knowing she couldnt give you the full potential of her love. If you really care for her give her some time to help her to sort her feelings, try to be considerate because she is not in an easy position either, but dont be her saviour either. You deserve to be treated like a beloved man and she has to provide you with this love. Relationship is about giving and taking as well. Hope I helped a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 Age, You have somewhat of a similiar situation that I was in. I was best friends with my wife a year before we became a couple, at that time she was w/ a jerk on & off for about 8 years who did treat her bad. When she finally ended it with him and wanted to be with me I was elated but told her there were 3 things that she HAS to follow or I would leave. 1) Never cheat. 2) Be honest with anything I ask you OR I need to be told of anything that might affect or upset me. 3) If you go back you stay there. I will NOT give a second chance. For I knew this other guy's plan and how he would try to pull on her heart strings. I did not want to be a rebound relationship, especially since we were extremely close for the year before and respected her wishes to be just a friend at that time. It only took about a month after she ended it with him to start calling her. I told her that she was allowed to deal with the break up the way she sees fit, that I trust her. Well he would call now & then over the months and with her talking to him, apparently he thought this meant she was still interested in him. Forward a year later he still tries to contact her. She knows if I see him, he will go down hard. I also told her at this point now, that she needs to cease contact. She has been given the ultamatium if she contacts him then it's over between us. For your situation I believe that you were somewhat of a rebound. How long have you known her before she broke it off with him? What I would recommend is to have a heart to heart talk with her. Tell her what he is trying to do, to romanticize the past, but that she is smart enough to know & remember WHY she broke it off with him. That this wasn't just a little spat, but that fighting, upsetment, etc.. has been probably been going on for years, probably way before you knew her. Also I would suggest to tell her that what she is doing is not fair. She is getting her cake & eating it too. That you deserve to be respected and that you have shown her the respect by letting her end it the way she sees fit. That it is now her choice to make a decision, not one that she can reverse either. Because if you do let her do this, you become her 'safety net' and you will eventually lose her to him, or someone else in the long run. Now is an important time to stand up for yourself. She has alot of issues she needs to deal with as well. This NC rule for 30 days is BS. She has had her closure and it's time for her to close that chapter. Otherwise you are just going to be strung along. 30 days is not going to fix her emotions. Her ex has it pretty well planned out. He figures if he waits long enough, this will allow her to 'miss' him more. And she is falling for it. Now is the time to make your stand. Don't be pushy about it, but firm and then stick to it. Otherwise you'll be in a mess of a soap opera and massive head games. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 Easy. Back off about 300 miles. When a woman says she has unresolved feelings for another man, has dates with you that culminate in talks with her ex and is not having sex with you, she's not your g/f. Don't give her a big talk (you know where she is already in her head), so I would get busier for a while, limit your time with her, bring your A-game as far as fun, seduction, etc. when you do get together. Don't spend nights with her and don't have more than 1-2 dates per week for a while. If she asks you what's going on, just say you've been kind of busy and are very happy to see her. Keep it fun, upbeat and shallow. If she wants to talk about the ex, change the subject or talk about one of yours with a sarcastic look (otherwise, you're moving into friends zone). If she presses about what's going on, make it clear that your relationship with her was getting too serious too fast in light of how the b/f was still in the picture (and call him the b/f, not the ex) and that you are making sure that you and she are "just having a good time" (I would actually use this phrase). After a while, he'll drop off if she's into you (she's into both of you because she's getting attention from each). Link to post Share on other sites
very-confused-girl Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 I do agree with JMargel, she really considers you as a safety net. She is not probably worried at all about the possibility of you dumping her because of loosing the patience. If I was you I would let her know, somehow, that she shouldnt be so relaxed about you. I mean dont let her feel too comfortable with you. Keep a bit of distance, be nice to her but inaccessible. Be really happy when you are with her and try to look like that her non-ability to decide didnt hurt you or affect you so much. Try to make her feel like she is not that sure with you. Once she starts feeling a little bit of "unconcern" on your part she might start freakin out a little bit and sort of "want you back". Dont make it too easy for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Age Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 I have thought about doing exactly what jmargel has suggested, but decided i would give her a some time while i trying to act perfectly fine dispite the issue at hand. Any more advice would be appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 Age, Unfortunately you will need to get as far a way as possible from this gal no matter how much love you have for her. She needs time to heal from the loss of the relationship of her ex. Untill he gets rid of that baggage she will never be able to open herself fully to you. This is for your own safety as there is a good chance you are the one who will be heartbroken in the end. Take it from me, I am simply devastated over my breakup. I dated a woman after she ended a four year relationship. She wanted to be with me as we had a fantastic connection yet she had severe guilt over the breakup and never took the time to resolve those issues within herself. The ex never stopped attempted to get back with her over the year that we were together (we recently broke up) to the extent that he began stalking both of us. He constantly called her and showed up at her home uninvited and he went as far as glueing my locks shut and pouring paint thinner all over my car. I stood by her side instead of telling her to take time to settle these problems on her own and she stood by my side throughout all of those instances yet she always would become sad, pull away for the moment and blame herself for the man that he had become. One would think that those acts should be enough to show her that he was not the one for her nor had the qualities she had thought he had yet that was not the case. Sad to say she may have been flattered by these actions. Last month I could tell she was looking for reasons to pull away from me and she picked a fight and said that she just realized that she is not over her past and that for some reason her heart was unable to catch up to mine. Her heart is unable to catch up because she is emotionally unavailable to me until she resolves her own problems. You need to let your gf go. That will be your only chance. Don't wait till you invest all of your heart because until she heals she can and will break it years down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 Age, Let me add that many times my ex attempted to finalize things with her previous boyfiriend. I would sit there and watch her tell him to move on to someone new, move away and realize that she was never coming back to him. The one thing I look back now at is that she was never ever willing to let go of the cord and tell him off and to never see and talk to him again. The 30NC agreement that she made is hogwash as well. It is another cord out there. Until she acknowledges that the ex was and is not the one for her and is comfortable that she made the right choice she should be off limits. This is done for you AGE, not her. Unless your willing and able to be the "rebound" and won't mind if this ex is the one to win her back in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Numb Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 Age, My god, where do you live?? I'm her boyfreind I think everything sounds just like our problem except one thing she is a lieing piece of crap. Read this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56180/ That sound familier to you at all, if it does she never had an apartment and the dogs where here because she still lived here,lol.. I cannot believe how close my story and his is and I would bet money we are talking about the same bitch, and if it is bro we need to talk cause everything that she tells you is crap and she sleeps with me than sleeps with you in the same night.....WOOOW this is weird. If I'm wrong with this bro just say so, but the storys are the same but she is telling you lies about alot of stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
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