He's a guiiiiiilt tripper!

[Nul]

Sorry about the vague thread title. The Beatles joke was too much for me to pass up. I digress.

 

I have met my soul mate folks. I used to be a bit of a partier. I lived every day like it was Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I never really cared about the future before I met her. She is the last thing I want my eyes to see when it's a wrap and the curtain closes. I want to grow old and wrinkly with her.

 

Problem is...her best friend. He has pretty bad OCD and equally bad depression as a result. This wouldn't be a problem as I love the guy like a brother. He legitimately needs support at times, which is totally cool. It's the frequency of these late night calls. He rings her up sobbing. She gets so invested I might as well be a stuffed animal. He has unintentionally assassinated countless romantic nights, interjected on long awaited mutual days off, and openly admits that he uses guilt trips to get help from time to time. He's a really nice, loyal caring friend. He just has my lady in an emotional death grip. She's kinda Captain Save a' Ho.

 

Anyway, today was a mutual day off. I work theater audio so it's long hours and few days off. I treasure these days. Day went great! We headed home after having dinner, off to play a drawing game we came up with. The game has a lot of sentimental importance in our relationship. It's also really fun. We take turns drawing a different part of a monster until it's done. Regardless, it never happened. She had another two hour Dr. Phil session, ending our day on a bummer.

 

I'm considered cheery to a fault by those I know. I'm a rookie comedian for cryin out loud! This issue with our friend contributed in my one minute breakdown the other night which resulted in the refrigerator door getting a slight reshape and my knuckles to get a bit rosy for a hour or two. That's not the current me. I put the anger to bed years ago. Not cool.

 

Anyways, I just wanted to see if anybody had gone through anything similar. I'm 33, so this is an adult relationship. I've got a pretty good grip on things, but this sucks. Whelp, just wanted to shoot the poop with you guys. Thanks for reading all this.

[TaraMaiden]

He is what is classically known as an Emotional Vampire.

I have known two in my time, and they will take over your life, drain your energy and occupy every waking moment's thought.

 

Please know: 9 times out of 10, their behaviour is not deliberate sabotage. But it's habitual, and the more you let them do it, the more they WILL do it.

 

Sadly, what happens is that when they cry for help, we give it, and keep giving it, and give relentlessly, because that's what friends do.... right?

 

Wrong.

 

All you're doing to this particular guy is ENABLING - HIS - BEHAVIOUR.

 

He is the type who, rather than take the advice, listen to the counsel you provide, and pro-actively work themselves to clear whatever ails them, would rather offload, give you the problem, let you worry about it, let you sort it through - then go away, having offloaded it all on to you, and either do precisely the opposite of what you advise, or just ignore everything and continue with the inadvisable behaviour.

 

And then when it all goes 'tits-up' again, the cycle repeats.

 

There is a solution - but you and your GF are going to have to understand two things:

One, you have to be united in this, and two, you both have to understand that this is the only way it will work.

 

First of all, discuss this with her. In fact, research 'Emotional Vampire'....

Then agree with her that whatever problem he comes to you with, you tell him that you and she are doing really well, and that frankly, it's time he stood on his own two feet, and by the way, has he seen the fixtures for the latest football/baseball/cricket matches? And how about that movie '12 years a slave'....? it looks really great....

 

You tell him your positives, tell him he's got to man up - and then change the subject completely and shift the focus right off him.

 

Cruel? Yeah, sounds like it, doesn't it?

It sounds like abandonment, but it honestly is the only way that you and your GF will get your lives back, and help him.

 

One of two things will happen:

He will either see that you're right, and shoulder his own schytt, or (sadly, far more likely) he will abandon you as 'Energy sources', gradually break off contacting you - and find someone else to suck dry.

 

But you have to do this.

 

Or else this will carry on for the foreseeable future, and it will fracture your relationship. Irreparably.

[pureinheart]

Hey Nul, I really hope the two of you can work this out. You know, I don't mean to sound cold or uncaring although there is a thing called respect. Every now and then, speaking mainly of emergency situations, him calling for support would not be bad. Calling often speaks dependency to me.

 

Is she drained emotionally after speaking with him? I have been caught up in these situations before and really thought I was making a difference in peoples lives- nope. All I did was manage to piss off my mate. I understand your gf's position, although she needs to be the one to either not take the call at all, or let him know she values her quality time with you.

 

People with my personality think we can save the world and practically kill ourselves doing it, not to mention pissing our loved ones off.

 

IMO this is your gf's call- have you stated your case to her?

 

LOL, I've rearranged a few items myself…I have a hot temper:)

[Confuddled1983]

TaraMaiden has it nailed, that is exactly what needs to happen.

 

I suffered with depression for years and years and years - I think men used to think they'd be my "knight in shining armour" and rescue me from it, only they didn't know how, and so they'd listen to me go on and on and on about my horrible past for hours (maybe thinking they were helping) - all they were effectively doing is let me wallow in my own self pity for hours on end. Oh yes, I think I probably was, at that point in my life, an emotional vampire All those well intentioned people did was enable me to carry on with my own self destruction by regurgitating the same feelings, I relived all the trauma over and over because they would listen to me (I'm not blaming them by the way).

 

I woke up one day and realised there was no one left to listen to me any more. Over the years I pretty much lost everyone in my self absorbed behaviour - and THAT was the wake up call I needed. I realised things had to change and I got help, something I wish I'd done years previously. I've been "well" for almost 5 years now Sometimes you really do have to be cruel to be kind.

[TaraMaiden]

Well that's wonderful - a success story.

 

It's rare, sadly, but commendable that not only did you realise it - you also admit it, and did something about it. Thank you for posting....

 

I had two 'friends' who behaved in this way, and although it felt sad to have to cut them off at the knees, it had to be done. The entire stability of my family was being put at risk - one of them even offloaded onto my young daughter, for goodness' sake - and she was under 10! - and it had to stop.

 

I have absolutely no idea at all, whatsoever, where these two people are now.

I wish them nothing but good, and hope their lives are settled and fruitful.

But as far as contact is concerned?

I'd never even think of risking it.

[turnera]

You just HAVE to have 'the talk.' Wherein you express what you can and can't live with. And him being the third wheel in your marriage or life together HAS to have a limit where she chooses you over him at certain times. You just have to.

[CC12]

Anyway, today was a mutual day off. I work theater audio so it's long hours and few days off. I treasure these days. Day went great! We headed home after having dinner, off to play a drawing game we came up with. The game has a lot of sentimental importance in our relationship. It's also really fun. We take turns drawing a different part of a monster until it's done. Regardless, it never happened. She had another two hour Dr. Phil session, ending our day on a bummer.

 

It's not his fault that your day ended on a bummer, it's your girlfriend's. She chose to spend two hours of your date night talking to someone else. So did you just end up killing time by yourself for two hours? That was really inconsiderate of her. You two had plans.

 

I'm sure her heart was in the right place and she was just trying to be a good friend, but she is sacrificing too much of herself and her relationship with you. I mean, two hours of listening to someone else's problems and trying to talk them down from whatever emotional emergency they're having that day... it's just too much.

 

I really don't want to come down too hard on your girlfriend, she's obviously a kind and compassionate person. She's just too nice, and it's kind of a problem sometimes. You need to tell her how it affects you.

 

If you don't know how to bring it up, or you're worried about sounding insecure or controlling, just have her read this thread. Invite her to post here, even. She can probably get some advice on how to tell a sobbing dude that she can't talk to him right now, for example.

[Nul]

Yesterday was a doozy! All percussion new music show. Needless to say, I think I can go without EQing a drum for quite some time.

 

We have a promise to each other that we talk about everything. No issue left unturned so to speak. So I told her exactly how I feel. She agrees with my conclusion; he will only become less dependent if she isn't so damn available. If it's a real issue, we're there for him 100%. If it's one of the attention grabs, not so much. She told me that nothing will come between her and I, and that if it seems like she's falling for a guilt trip, asked me to let her know right away.

 

As with all things, friendship is a balance. We're gonna get the formula right with Robert Frowny Jr. here.

 

And again, thank you all for the help. This board is full of really cool folks. Hopefully I can help somebody out on here!

Edited February 1, 2014 by Nul

[TaraMaiden]

Did you thoroughly explain the 'emotional Vampire' bit?

 

Sadly, remember this:

 

It's either all or nothing; there is no middle ground for this guy. What you believe you can sort into categories - 'real issues' or 'attention grabs' it's all the same thing to him.

As far as he's concerned, it's all 'real issues' and you won't be able to tell the difference, because his intensity will not vary, whatever the issue....

 

There is no other way.

You have to cut this off, completely, or else, slow but sure, he will creep in and insinuate himself right back to where he was before you and your GF had the talk....

 

I'd be very interested to know the result of his next call....

[Nul]

The unfortunate hurdle we have to overcome is the fact that he is "suicidal". Having been through more than my share of actual suicides, I don't think he will, but you never know. It's like playing Operation, only the guy's little red nose could set off a nuke.

 

All things considered, her and I feel stronger as a couple after the talk. Initially she beat herself up for my stress. I explained that being a kind and caring person is a good thing, but being an enabler isn't. I explained what I read of the emotional vampire, and she gets it. As for the talk with Debby Downer, I'm going to take that off her shoulders. This guy claims to respect me a great deal, so we'll see. I'm going to basically say "Man up, or I will become your problem." I hate to come off that way, but if this were a guy physically abusing my lady, they would need to invent time travel to identify the body, as I would uppercut him back to 1928. This is somewhat different, yet it's still abuse. I don't tolerate abuse.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling on like Andy Rooney at a wine tasting...either way, things are looking up. My puppy is giving me the evil eye. I think it's walk time.

[TaraMaiden]

Suicides don't generally talk much. They 'do'.

 

Constant suicidal talk is whisps of wheat chaff in the wind... It's drama, emotional blackmail and 'I dare you to ignore me!'

 

Take your pet for a walk, by all means, but it's time this particular puppy got left at the pound for someone else to be take in by his sad eyes....

[turnera]

Best thing to do with sucidals is to call 911. Shows you take them seriously and lets the professionals take care of them.

 

 

Not to mention it makes them less likely to cry wolf.

[Nul]

Oh we did that the last time. Called the cops. We're only doing normal friend stuff from now on. Wanna go grab some grub? Cool! Need to vent for another 4 hour tearfest? Sorry, mang.

 

I don't wanna tell him to flat out kick rocks, but we're no longer willing to play shrink. He called up all bummed out and mopey today and was promptly told we couldn't get into that with him anymore. He was told that we're willing to help if he's in trouble like "uh oh, I accidentally removed my hands. May I have a ride to the hospital?" but not emotional help. I hope he understands, but at this point, if he doesn't, we can't do anything about it. Thems the breaks.

 

Time will tell if he gets it. We have drawn a line in the sand, erected a maximum security fence along it and won't be taken in by Emo Dracula again.

[TaraMaiden]

He will probably not call you again. or maybe try one more time, in which case you must either repeat your statement or just hang up.... Like I did with one of my EL's....

[turnera]

Forever optimistic, I keep hoping that someone doing this will actually have an effect on such a person and get them to stop and think, hey, maybe I should get help for this.

 

Good job.