Smooth move? I think so...

[Teknoe]

I accidentally got some paint in a crush's car. She was loading some painted boxes into her trunk when we didn't realize that the paint hadn't fully dried yet. Anyway, she demanded that I clean up her trunk.

 

I decided I'd use a hired hand (professional cleaner) to do so (he's doing it free though) and feeling bad + wanting to make a good impression, I placed a 10 dollar starbucks giftcard into her glove compartment with a note that read "Becaused unwanted paint jobs SUCK and free drinks DON'T."

 

I texted her tonight to look in her glove compartment and she texted me back "Aww thanks! You didn't have to but thanks! :)"

 

I have to admit, that was pretty smooth on my part... right?! I think I am good at leaving these little gifts/notes of encouragement, but I have difficulty taking "it to the next level." It's almost like I like relationships to stay in this safe-yet-semi-thrilling-not-sure-what-it-really-is stage...

 

I know relationships are hard work and I might like the idea of one, or crushing on someone to keep things interesting... more than I do the actual real thing. I guess I'm weird like that...

[Trimmer]

I accidentally got some paint in a crush's car. She was loading some painted boxes into her trunk when we didn't realize that the paint hadn't fully dried yet. Anyway, she demanded that I clean up her trunk.

Can you clarify something?

"She was loading some painted boxes into her trunk when we didn't realize that the paint hadn't fully dried yet. "

She was loading the boxes into her trunk, and we didn't realize...

 

What was your position in this situation? Were you just a helper? Was the loading job actually your responsibility?

 

I'm concerned if you were just a helper, and she was in the position of responsibility and control over the job, but she pushed the error off on you and bitched you out. If it happened something like that, then I don't think you should have been so submissive, and accepting the responsibility yourself...

 

May seem like a small thing, but to me, something like that would set the dynamic of the putative "relationship" off on a weird course, right from the start.

[Els]

Uhhhh...

 

Why is the hired cleaner doing it for free?

[PegNosePete]

I think if she was interested in you romantically she would have invited you to help her spend the gift card.

Too much Nice Guy going on here!

You are expecting something in return for your "generosity"? Not necessarily sex, but attention, a date, reciprocated feelings? (Be honest!!!)

[carhill]

Tip: Next time this happens with any 'crush', apologize for the error and offer to 'make it up over dinner' with a smile. No ambiguity.

 

Save the very thoughtful and considerate gestures for your wife. She'll hopefully have earned them.

 

When was the last time a woman did something thoughtful and considerate for you? Think about that. Interesting. Learn!

[Pinch]

A nice gesture but women are sponges for nice gestures done by overly nice guys.Ive played the nice guy role but I make it work , sometimes.If you like this woman, ask her out.Being too honest may infringe on any chance you have with her so make sure it is a casual date.It will give you a chance to feel her out.See how she responds to flirting, touch, laughter etc...there will lye the answers.

 

In the future any woman that yells at you and barley knows you, is one you might wanna pass up.

[Teknoe]

Trimmer,

To clarify we saw the boxes and she asked "Are they dry?" and I just assumed so, so I said "Yeah." Then I left her as I had to go pick something up. She then transported the boxes on her own with a friend's help, and it was 15 minutes later that we crossed paths again on campus that she told me about my error in judgment.

 

Els,

The hired help is the school's cleaner. He cleans as his job description, and was so nice as to clean for me.

 

Well huge update. I just found out she is quitting my school come the end of the school year, I think I'll ask her out then. It's only a couple more months. I got nothing to lose at that point, as we're not really close friends, and by that point I wouldn't see her ever again probably, so even if she rejects me it's no big loss/deal.

[TheyCallMeOx]

I don't mean to bust your balls, but it sounds like a really messed up situation. When you both saw the paint boxes, why the hell would she ask you that kind of question? You kind of messed up when you assumed something. You should've said "I don't know" or "I think so" because you weren't certain. Even then, you shouldn't have been held responsible. If she was the one who put the paint in her car, she should've been the responsible person. She failed to check to see if the paint was wet. Had you of put the paint in the car, then that would've been a different issue but since you weren't the one who put it in the car...I don't see how it's your fault that you had to clean it.

 

I'm glad you're taking a risk by asking her out, but keep an open mind...if a woman makes you clean up a mess you didn't make, then that tells me she ain't interested. But that's just me! Hope things go well! And also...don't say "yes" just because you assume so. I'm no lawyer, but I'm fairly certain it could be held against you.

[Grumpybutfun]

This entire exchange makes no sense to me....it's her car, her responsibility, her mess. Even if you said they weren't dry, how is it your fault if she didn't check herself. Never let anyone demand you do something because of their oversight. Why would you reward her for treating you like her car detailer by getting her a gift card? That right there shows me she isn't interested in anything but being a buddy because girls will let guys they like run over their favorite dog and say, oh you didn't know, thinking the best of them. Why would you wait to ask her out until right before she leaves? How old are you and have you ever had a gf? I just find this entire exchange odd and sad.

G

[WordvAction]

Teknoe, you're a good person but you seriously need to man the hell up. Stop being a nice guy and start being forward; leaving the card there was alright but ya should have used that as an opportunity to set up a date.

 

 

And also, you're waiting until she leaves? Again, take a freaking chance man! Why wait until then? So you can guarantee you're in the friend-zone which you might already be in before you ask her out? Why not do it now?

 

 

Honestly, what's the worst that can happen? She says no? You move on? Waiting two months is only diminishing your chances, and I'm guessing the only reason you're waiting that time is so you can spend as much time with her as possible before you believe you're going to get rejected. Life is about taking the initiative, failing, seeing where you went wrong, and improving yourself. You can't improve yourself if you don't fail, and you can't fail unless you take risks man.

 

 

Sorry for being harsh, but you seem like a genuinely good person who needs a kickstart on getting to the next level of being around women you're attracted to. I spent way too many years in your position and it sucked.

[Trimmer]

Trimmer,

To clarify we saw the boxes and she asked "Are they dry?" and I just assumed so, so I said "Yeah." Then I left her as I had to go pick something up. She then transported the boxes on her own with a friend's help, and it was 15 minutes later that we crossed paths again on campus that she told me about my error in judgment.

That still doesn't clarify things - I'm talking about the social dynamic, the power structure between you.

 

Are you a student who happened to be walking by as a teacher was putting these mysterious "painted boxes" in her car, and she asked you for an opinion?

 

Did another student hire you to help her move, and these painted boxes were part of your responsibility to load?

 

Who are the two of you, what is the social relationship between you, what was the arrangement (if any) that brought you together discussing how to load these painted boxes.

 

Why the hell were they painted?

[Teknoe]

That still doesn't clarify things - I'm talking about the social dynamic, the power structure between you.

 

Are you a student who happened to be walking by as a teacher was putting these mysterious "painted boxes" in her car, and she asked you for an opinion?

 

Did another student hire you to help her move, and these painted boxes were part of your responsibility to load?

 

Who are the two of you, what is the social relationship between you, what was the arrangement (if any) that brought you together discussing how to load these painted boxes.

 

Why the hell were they painted?

 

We're both teachers. Our school had a musical coming up, and the day before some teachers painted the boxes for set props. The next day she and I came on campus to load the boxes from the shed area over to the play stage. As we approached the boxes, I got called to another line of duty down the hallway. She yelled "Are these boxes dry?" and not 100% sure, I said "Yeah."

 

From that point, I left her and she placed the boxes into her trunk. Granted, she could have checked to confirm, but I was the one who assumed they were dried.

 

 

Teknoe, you're a good person but you seriously need to man the hell up. Stop being a nice guy and start being forward; leaving the card there was alright but ya should have used that as an opportunity to set up a date.

 

And also, you're waiting until she leaves? Again, take a freaking chance man! Why wait until then? So you can guarantee you're in the friend-zone which you might already be in before you ask her out? Why not do it now?

 

Honestly, what's the worst that can happen? She says no? You move on? Waiting two months is only diminishing your chances, and I'm guessing the only reason you're waiting that time is so you can spend as much time with her as possible before you believe you're going to get rejected. Life is about taking the initiative, failing, seeing where you went wrong, and improving yourself. You can't improve yourself if you don't fail, and you can't fail unless you take risks man.

 

Sorry for being harsh, but you seem like a genuinely good person who needs a kickstart on getting to the next level of being around women you're attracted to. I spent way too many years in your position and it sucked.

 

 

Hey man, thanks. That wasn't harsh at all. That was encouraging, if anything! I do need to man up, and am thinking of asking her out tomorrow, even if it's just via a note. I could play it safe and see how things progress these next couple months, or I could ask her out now and just risk it. If she says no, it might be an awkward 4 final months, but I'll live. On the friend end, it's not like we talk outside of work a whole lot, so I really wouldn't be losing a close friend.

 

Damn, now it's just a matter of whether I ask her out in person (which scares me) or leaving her a note somewhere private.

[Trimmer]

I do need to man up, and am thinking of asking her out tomorrow, even if it's just via a note.

 

Damn, now it's just a matter of whether I ask her out in person (which scares me) or leaving her a note somewhere private.

Awwww dude... asking by note ≠ man up.

[Teknoe]

Awwww dude... asking by note ≠ man up.

 

Had a change of heart:

 

1. I will ask her out

and

2. I will do it in person

 

Last night at 2 AM, while my aunt was staying over, she had heart issues (not a heart attack but her heart rate slowed down a lot and she complained about stomach issues). We called for the paramedics and they took her to the hospital. It was REALLY scary, and put life into perspective.

 

A. Life is short

B. Asking a girl out, even if she's a coworker, is not THAT scary

 

So I plan to do something short and sweet like

 

"Hey, are you seeing anyone right now?"

 

"No"

 

"Will you go out on a date with me sometime?"

 

If she says yes, I'll nod, say cool and move on.

 

Nothing overly affectionate, no gooey confessions, just plain and simple. And then leave her classroom ASAP after I've asked.

[PegNosePete]

"Hey, are you seeing anyone right now?"

"No"

"Will you go out on a date with me sometime?"

Forget the first question, and don't be so vague with the second. Just say "do you want to come for a drink with me on friday night". If she is seeing someone then she'll say so. If she wants to go out with you but can't make friday then she'll say "sorry I'm busy friday how about saturday?". If she doesn't want to then she'll just say "sorry I'm busy friday" (with no counter-offer)

[Shepp]

I liked it! I tend to leave notes and food and stuff around for my girlfriend - mainly with aim to make her laugh when I'm not there.

I liked what you did with the gift card until you didn't finish the job. Liking putting the guy on the ropes and then not putting the knock out punch in.

 

The coffee gift card was good but it needed to be you and coffee....have you seen that episode of friends where Rachel tells that guy she has two tickets for the Knicks and instead of her and him going he thanks her for the tickets and says his nephew will be chuffed?? That's kind of what you did.

 

1. I will ask her out

and

2. I will do it in person

Good call!

 

So I plan to do something short and sweet like

"Hey, are you seeing anyone right now?"

"No"

If you know the answer why are you asking?

If you don't know the answer then this is a situation where you should just assume she's single - she'll correct you if she's not.

 

"Will you go out on a date with me sometime?"

A little wishy washy? Plus then you've got to actually ask again in order to tie down a 'date'. and 'date' is a little...full on?

 

Sorry if im being a little harsh - I just think "So how about me and you use that gift card to grab coffee Saturday?" is better, then is she says yes all you've got to say is "hows 10'clock for you?"

 

If she says yes, I'll nod, say cool and move on.

Nothing overly affectionate, no gooey confessions, just plain and simple. And then leave her classroom ASAP after I've asked.

I agree, don't get OTT, but equally don't run from the room as soon as you can, if you can get back to acting normal and easy around each other then it puts less pressure on the date and less worry on how it might affect your professional relationship.

[Els]

Yes, do it in person, and yes, what Shepp said.

 

If you reaaaaaallllly can't stomach doing it in person, then maybe call her (although you should still be working up to being able to do it in person). But note is rather high-schoolish IMO.

[Teknoe]

Well, it was done.

 

At lunch I stopped by her classroom. She was eating with some of her students. I called her to step outside the door. I handed back her keys and told her her car has been cleaned. She said thanks then I wasted no time jumping to it:

 

"Are you seeing anyone right now?"

 

"No."

 

"Can I take you out on a date sometime?"

 

She seemed caught off guard, unsure, blushed and I sensed in that moment she just didn't know what to say, so I said "You can tell me later" and walked off. I guess I should have known then that it wasn't a slam dunk and that in fact it probably was a no.

 

She texted me back after school. The text read:

 

"Hey. I am flattered, but you are a good friend and I don't really want to complicate that. Sorry."

 

To which I responded "It's all good" and left it there.

 

That's where we stand now. No talks about professionalism going forward, or whether we will still commit to our joint grade efforts (we were planning on starting a reading buddies program in the next week or two... hopefully she will still see that one through).

 

Hopefully tomorrow won't be awkward.

 

At any rate, no regrets. Maybe would have gone the more casual "coffee Saturday?" route but at this point I am sick of beating around the bush and wanted to be direct for a change. No matter, it seems she doesn't like me in that way so either method ultimately won't have mattered. Just, asking her out casually might have extended the friendship and hurt me more when she eventually rejects me after a confession/date ask out.

 

This way, it ended quickly. I found out, and now I can move on.

[Pinch]

Hey sorry bud....people leap sometimes.Too bad those damn parachutes don't open every time...

 

Bright side

You asked a woman you like out.Confidence is key my friend.keep doing it.next time don't run away before the answer....it's easier to say no over txt then in person.

[Teknoe]

Hey sorry bud....people leap sometimes.Too bad those damn parachutes don't open every time...

 

Bright side

You asked a woman you like out.Confidence is key my friend.keep doing it.next time don't run away before the answer....it's easier to say no over txt then in person.

 

 

Thanks man. Heh, I like that line. We leap, but the parachute doesn't always open. Life isn't always a Hollywood movie, and for me thus far, romance-wise, has not had many "Hollywood worthy" moments. It's OK. Each experience is a baby step. From I can learn from this:

 

1. Ask a girl out right away next time I'm interested. Or at least the quicker I ask her out the less the potential rejection stings

 

2. Rejection isn't always so bad

 

3. Today I took a risk I rarely take. I did it. I grew. It hurt, but surprisingly not as much as I thought it would. I think in some ways there is a lot of relief knowing God gave me a little more time to get my stuff together more (i.e. getting more fit, etc.)

 

All in all, I can't complain. My aunt is OK and I learned from this experience. Life is about growing. Fear be DAMNED!

[Trimmer]

Thanks man. Heh, I like that line. We leap, but the parachute doesn't always open.

Heh, yeah, but let's massage that metaphor a bit. Don't think of it like you crashed, because that makes your value and self-image depend on her response, and that's not the right orientation. You jumped, with parachute, and she chose not to jump with you. But you still controlled your fate, pulled at the right time, and landed, ready to pack the chute and take another exhilarating jump again some time in the future.

 

2. Rejection isn't always so bad

And as I touched on above, don't let her rejection be the primary measure of your value and self worth. Don't accomplish this by being a douche ("Screw her, she must be crazy/a b***h/whatever.") Allow her the space to not prefer dating you, without taking that as diminishing your value or self-image. This will make rejection easier, without turning yourself into an arrogant sour-grapes douchey-douche.

 

3. Today I took a risk I rarely take. I did it. I grew. It hurt, but surprisingly not as much as I thought it would.

Damn - good for you! And nice that you were face to face and direct about it, too!

 

I think in some ways there is a lot of relief knowing God gave me a little more time to get my stuff together more (i.e. getting more fit, etc.)

True, but don't think of this as an on and off kind of thing. Don't wait until that distant "time is right" point out there to take more of those risks. Your future is a linear continuum... Come to recognize that the time is right when opportunity presents itself; be sensitive and aware of those opportunities, and the more practice you get, the more ready you will be to respond in a genuine and relaxed way - as yourself - when they come along.

[Teknoe]

Heh, yeah, but let's massage that metaphor a bit. Don't think of it like you crashed, because that makes your value and self-image depend on her response, and that's not the right orientation. You jumped, with parachute, and she chose not to jump with you. But you still controlled your fate, pulled at the right time, and landed, ready to pack the chute and take another exhilarating jump again some time in the future.

 

 

And as I touched on above, don't let her rejection be the primary measure of your value and self worth. Don't accomplish this by being a douche ("Screw her, she must be crazy/a b***h/whatever.") Allow her the space to not prefer dating you, without taking that as diminishing your value or self-image. This will make rejection easier, without turning yourself into an arrogant sour-grapes douchey-douche.

 

 

Damn - good for you! And nice that you were face to face and direct about it, too!

 

 

True, but don't think of this as an on and off kind of thing. Don't wait until that distant "time is right" point out there to take more of those risks. Your future is a linear continuum... Come to recognize that the time is right when opportunity presents itself; be sensitive and aware of those opportunities, and the more practice you get, the more ready you will be to respond in a genuine and relaxed way - as yourself - when they come along.

 

 

AMEN!

 

Trimmer, if I could give you a hi-5, I would. Your post was one of the most encouraging messages I have ever read from a complete stranger on the internet. Somehow, it feels like you're my uncle (or aunt?) or a long lost best friend I've reconnected with, whose purpose at this time is to spur me on. And spur me on you have. Thanks for the good thoughts!

 

Love the new parachuting analogy. Right on! I didn't crash... I landed, she just chose not to jump with me, which I can and do respect.

 

And yes, this experience teaches me to be more aware of future opportunities as they come, and to seize them when the moment feels right. Truth be told, I thought the moment I asked her out felt pretty right, but was left with the less-than-desirable results. Yet I'm not confused or discouraged... it just goes to show me there's no set formula on this thing, and no matter how many body language tip webpages you read or how much you try to analyze every little interaction between you and your crush as a place where you can point to and say "AH HA! See, there's proof that she COULD like me that way!"... all of that can mean SQUAD. Life is unpredictable, but the worst thing is to never try.

 

I will be a gentleman and do it because it's my character to do so... not because I'm trying to win her over (or "wear her down" as Steve Urkel used to say to Laura Winslow). Being a douche is something I'm pretty good at avoiding, as I'm naturally an upbeat, positive, drama-free dude.

 

I do have a Thursday staff devotion and am wondering my words because I don't want to make her feel guilty in the least. At the same time, I do want to talk about taking risks and facing fears... but maybe now is not the best time to do that as I oughta lay low to respect her boundaries.

 

We'll see!

[PegNosePete]

Bravo for taking life by the balls and going for it

 

Thing is you put yourself into the friendzone way too early. Now maybe if you'd done what carhill originally suggested it could have gone differently. You were too much of a "nice guy" and not enough of a "sexually attractive man".

 

Don't beat yourself up about it... you got there in the end... learn from the experience and get there sooner next time!!

[Els]

Kudos for taking the leap, Teknoe!

 

Sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted, but you learnt something valuable from it. Onwards.

[Teknoe]

Bravo for taking life by the balls and going for it

 

Thing is you put yourself into the friendzone way too early. Now maybe if you'd done what carhill originally suggested it could have gone differently. You were too much of a "nice guy" and not enough of a "sexually attractive man".

 

Don't beat yourself up about it... you got there in the end... learn from the experience and get there sooner next time!!

 

 

Probably did wait too long... but at the same time her being my coworker was always tricky. If I asked her out back in September and it didn't work out then... yeah. At least now I know she's leaving end of May, so it'll be "over" soon.

 

I woke up today feeling like yesterday was a dream, haha. Did I really just step up and ask her out? I did! Fears are only conquered when you face them eye to eye in the cold light of day.