I like extremely clingy and needy women -- is this normal?

[crederer]

Nah that was the theory early on...they helped me figure it out.

 

Alright cool man. Didn't read the thread. Glad to hear it, hope things work out for you.

[Eivuwan]

I based my response to the OP on why his type (narcissist who needs to be one up and with the power and control in the relationship) is drawn to needy/clingy women. There are two other primary reasons why a man might be drawn to that type of woman. If a man is very insecure himself, and has fears of abandonment, and never got his needs for love and attention met from his mother as a child, he could be drawn to the very needy/clingy woman because she so desparately needs him. The excessive validation that she provides feeds his excessive need for validation. It creates a co-dependency, which is not healthy.

 

 

The other type, the third type of man who is drawn to excessively needy women, is the man with the White Knight Complex. But he is in that relationship for reasons that are different than the other two. He has a need to be the rescuer either because that was the role he was put in as a child, such as the child that tries to help the drug addicted parent and therefore takes on the role of the parent, or because he has his own deep-seeded weaknesses and he feels that by helping a very needy/clingy woman, he is somehow overcoming his own weaknesses.

 

 

Those are the three primary reasons men are attracted to very needy/clingy women.

 

 

Men who are in a healthy frame of mind, and with high self esteem, prefer women who are also healthy and with high self esteem.

 

As a fellow therapist, I must say it's not very responsible to give diagnoses about strangers on the internet. This is not therapeutic at all regardless of whether you're right or wrong.

[gaius]

I based my response to the OP on why his type (narcissist who needs to be one up and with the power and control in the relationship) is drawn to needy/clingy women. There are two other primary reasons why a man might be drawn to that type of woman. If a man is very insecure himself, and has fears of abandonment, and never got his needs for love and attention met from his mother as a child, he could be drawn to the very needy/clingy woman because she so desparately needs him. The excessive validation that she provides feeds his excessive need for validation. It creates a co-dependency, which is not healthy.

 

The other type, the third type of man who is drawn to excessively needy women, is the man with the White Knight Complex. But he is in that relationship for reasons that are different than the other two. He has a need to be the rescuer either because that was the role he was put in as a child, such as the child that tries to help the drug addicted parent and therefore takes on the role of the parent, or because he has his own deep-seeded weaknesses and he feels that by helping a very needy/clingy woman, he is somehow overcoming his own weaknesses.

 

Those are the three primary reasons men are attracted to very needy/clingy women.

 

Men who are in a healthy frame of mind, and with high self esteem, prefer women who are also healthy and with high self esteem.

That's a pretty derogatory way to look at it. If a guy gets off on a lot of attention from his girlfriend who's to say it's because he somehow lacks self-confidence or is weak? Just because he was put in a caretaking role as a child he somehow has weakness and low self-esteem? Makes no sense to me. And what do you suggest he do anyway? Go to therapy to understand what drives him and it will magically change what he's sexually attracted to? Sounds familiar, where have I heard that idea before?

[EchoPark]

today is the first day of my breakup. she's packing her bags and moving out tomorrow because I told her that she doesn't show ME enough attention so I know what you mean.

She says how much she likes me but her actions don't say the same thing. she can go away on a weekend trip and not contact me at all. After awhile (two months) I couldn't take anymore.

 

i hate being single, but I guess I hated the feeling of not being appreciated and loved even more so I guess I'll go back to being single. I'm not thrilled about that, I really wish I can find another girl tomorrow but I know that's impossible. Here comes the break up aftershock:(

[KathyM]

As a fellow therapist, I must say it's not very responsible to give diagnoses about strangers on the internet. This is not therapeutic at all regardless of whether you're right or wrong.

This site is not for giving therapy. I'm not diagnosing. I'm not giving therapy. I'm giving opinion and feedback, just like anyone else on here, based on what I have read and/or learned. Just like everybody else does here.

[KathyM]

That's a pretty derogatory way to look at it. If a guy gets off on a lot of attention from his girlfriend who's to say it's because he somehow lacks self-confidence or is weak? Just because he was put in a caretaking role as a child he somehow has weakness and low self-esteem? Makes no sense to me. And what do you suggest he do anyway? Go to therapy to understand what drives him and it will magically change what he's sexually attracted to? Sounds familiar, where have I heard that idea before?

We're not talking about normal attentive girlfriend behavior, we're talking about needy/clingy women. I gave three scenarios as to why certain men are attracted to excessively needy/clingy women: They have a need to dominate and control women, or they are themselves needy/clingy/codependent, or they have a White Knight Complex where they feel the need to fix the woman, either because they have assumed a caretaker role as a child and that is what they are drawn to continue, or they are taking on that role of White Knight as a way of overcoming their own weaknesses.

 

 

He should actually go to therapy to deal with why he is attracted to needy/clingy/dysfunctional women. And your link to Conversion Therapy is not relevant here.

[NYSean]

@KathyM You talk as if that's the ONLY type of woman I am attracted to. This is why you're a terrible therapist. You don't ask questions, you just throw the gavel down. Every response out of your mouth is completely biased and you pick and choose my posts to draw up these outlandish conclusions. Worse off you read Pick Up Artist literature to utilize as part of your practice?

 

It's sad that non-therapists on this thread did a much better job at helping me understand this than you. Again, you're nothing but a QUACK.

[KathyM]

@KathyM You talk as if that's the ONLY type of woman I am attracted to. This is why you're a terrible therapist. You don't ask questions, you just throw the gavel down. Every response out of your mouth is completely biased and you pick and choose my posts to draw up these outlandish conclusions. Worse off you read Pick Up Artist literature to utilize as part of your practice?

 

It's sad that non-therapists on this thread did a much better job at helping me understand this than you. Again, you're nothing but a QUACK.

I'm not providing therapy here. Why you would expect it on a message board is very questionable. My clients are all very happy with me, and keep coming back week after week, so they must believe they're getting something valuable out of it. I only read PUA material after it was discussed on this board and out of curiosity. Then, when clients started to talk about it in therapy, I knew what they were talking about. I would never use that type of thing. I think it's lame, and manipulates women with low self esteem. I teach my clients social skills they can actually use with normal women. In any case, have fun with your needy/clingy/dysfunctional women.

[TaraMaiden]

How many women have you been out with, exactly?

 

I get the impression one bitter relationship has left you judging everything through schytt-tinted spectacles, with fitted lateral blinkers.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not providing therapy here. Why you would expect it on a message board is very questionable. My clients are all very happy with me, and keep coming back week after week, so they must believe they're getting something valuable out of it. I only read PUA material after it was discussed on this board and out of curiosity. Then, when clients started to talk about it in therapy, I knew what they were talking about. I would never use that type of thing. I think it's lame, and manipulates women with low self esteem. I teach my clients social skills they can actually use with normal women. In any case, have fun with your needy/clingy/dysfunctional women.

When people start relying on apparent experience and citing un-proveable facts about themselves, they're on a back foot...and the moment you feel the need to justify your stance by comments like the one above, you begin to lose credibility.

It's like someone trying to wriggle out of a racist/sexist remark by prefacing their comment with 'I'm not racist/sexist, but....."

[lifeunderground]

I think i get you completely OP because i am a lot like you.

 

I like "clingy" guys because it assures me they like me

 

I fear abandonment.

 

My parents as well are "roommates" and this has distorted my outlook on relationships and marriage.

 

Im guessing this is the same for you?

 

This probably has a lot to do with the way you are.

 

Its a sad reality to witness :/

 

A loveless, affectionless marriage

Edited February 2, 2014 by lifeunderground

[bad username]

@KathyM You talk as if that's the ONLY type of woman I am attracted to. This is why you're a terrible therapist. You don't ask questions, you just throw the gavel down. Every response out of your mouth is completely biased and you pick and choose my posts to draw up these outlandish conclusions. Worse off you read Pick Up Artist literature to utilize as part of your practice?

 

It's sad that non-therapists on this thread did a much better job at helping me understand this than you. Again, you're nothing but a QUACK.

 

This poster is answering his own question throughout the thread with his manipulation of some posters and attacks on others. Naturally he attacks the person who sees through his game.

 

NYSean, you can recruite others to soothe your ego and rationalize your actions all you want, but your bullying is shameful. For the rest, shame on you for enabling him, and especially on those who are joining in.

[NYSean]

This poster is answering his own question throughout the thread with his manipulation of some posters and attacks on others. Naturally he attacks the person who sees through his game.

 

NYSean, you can recruite others to soothe your ego and rationalize your actions all you want, but your bullying is shameful. For the rest, shame on you for enabling him, and especially on those who are joining in.

 

What benefit do I get out of manipulating strangers? The entire point of this thread is to understand why I like certain "unhealthy" qualities about certain women. I've been NOTHING but transparent throughout this entire process, hiding anything would STOP me from understanding more about myself. My goodness, the logic.

 

This isn't a WAR, you don't understand what got KathyM started. Soothe ego and recruit people, now I think you're being a self-righteous prick by insulting other people's intelligence. No...shame on YOU for your ignorance.

[NYSean]

LOL did I not admit to any embarrassing but possibly true qualities that I possess for liking clingy women? Did I admit that yes, I probably like clingy women because they give me a sense of value possibly stemming from insecurities? YES. HAHAHA how is that seeing through my game when generally people don't want to admit that they have insecurity issues? So your point is invalid. Try again.

[Cunning-Linguist]

This poster is answering his own question throughout the thread with his manipulation of some posters and attacks on others. Naturally he attacks the person who sees through his game.

 

NYSean, you can recruite others to soothe your ego and rationalize your actions all you want, but your bullying is shameful. For the rest, shame on you for enabling him, and especially on those who are joining in.

 

He stated in earlier posts that he is nice and courteous to people who treat him so and antagonistic to those whose tone show hostility. I don't know about you, but this is a pretty basic concept and is not difficult to grasp.

 

Are you socially inept?

Edited February 2, 2014 by Cunning-Linguist
typo

[bad username]

He stated in earlier posts that he is nice and courteous to people who treat him so and antagonistic to those whose tone show hostility.

You infer hostility (or more specifically, a threat to your self-esteem) and try to destroy. That is not a healthy response and I urge you to look at why you are so angry. I also urge you to take KathyM's advice on board, because it seems to be more accurate the more of your posts I read. Edited February 2, 2014 by bad username

[Cunning-Linguist]

You infer hostility (or more specifically, a threat to your self-esteem) and try to destroy. That is not a healthy response and I urge you to look at why you are so angry. I also urge you to take KathyM's advice on board, because it seems to be more accurate the more of your posts I read.

 

There's no need for inference because her tone in other posts denote textbook antagonism. Going by your argument then by what I've read, he would've attacked every single poster on this thread. You talk about inferring? You're inferring his hostility as a defense mechanism when he clearly has explained himself. I don't need to take KathyM's advice because this thread isn't about me, and it is directed towards the OP and I've only posted twice.

 

I don't understand how asking a legitimate question as to if you're socially inept is hostility? It is a genuine concern considering I'd expect a much more socially intelligent response from a grown adult. I just don't appreciate the fact that you would loosely throw basic Psych101 concepts around without fully understanding them. I'm sorry if I offended you.

[lesbihonest]

You infer hostility (or more specifically, a threat to your self-esteem) and try to destroy. That is not a healthy response and I urge you to look at why you are so angry. I also urge you to take KathyM's advice on board, because it seems to be more accurate the more of your posts I read.

 

QuietStorm and many other posters deduced some possibilities that would denote that the OP would have low self-esteem/insecurities and he took it respectfully. And I agree with the posters above, I don't think it's cool to insult other people's intelligence by insinuating that everyone else are mindless drones to OP's "manipulation" and aren't capable of independent thought when there is no indication of the matter. Shame on you.

[ktya]

When I used to go on dates, I'd tell women that I like to be smothered. I'd like for a woman to always contact me, take it upon herself to visit me everyday and just be completely clingy. Granted yes, she would give me time to do some of my own things alone, but I think it's really endearing when a woman just can't stop thinking about you and wants to spend every waking moment with you.

 

My guy friends think I'm mentally insane and my female friends think I'm one of a kind. So out of curiosity are there men like me out there?

 

Im going to get pounced on for saying this but if this is the type of relationship that you want without getting a girl who is emotionally unhealthy you would be better off looking outside of western white anglo saxon culture.

 

There are cultures where this type of relationship is the norm and the damaged girls are the ones who do not act like this. Filipino, vietnamese, laotian, chinese, and eastern european women look at relationships this way by and large. If you can handle a firecracker spanish might be worth a try (either latino or from spain), and if you are really adventurous maybe iranian or arabic.

 

Most of the clingy white girls ive been with have usually had one serious issue or another. I have a lot of experience with nut bar women dont learn the hard way like me lol.

[Eivuwan]

Im going to get pounced on for saying this but if this is the type of relationship that you want without getting a girl who is emotionally unhealthy you would be better off looking outside of western white anglo saxon culture.

 

There are cultures where this type of relationship is the norm and the damaged girls are the ones who do not act like this. Filipino, vietnamese, laotian, chinese, and eastern european women look at relationships this way by and large. If you can handle a firecracker spanish might be worth a try (either latino or from spain), and if you are really adventurous maybe iranian or arabic.

 

Most of the clingy white girls ive been with have usually had one serious issue or another. I have a lot of experience with nut bar women dont learn the hard way like me lol.

 

 

Well, I don't know about all of those cultures, but for some of them, the women are like that because there is a lack of financial equality. It makes the women more dependent on the men. I am not sure if that's healthy behavior. It's just a natural consequence of the social structure.

[ktya]

Im dating a filipino girl who works in health care who holds down six jobs. One of those jobs pays $6 an hour more than what i make in investment banking (although i work at my rate on salary so its consistent). She still loves to cling, she will clean my room and make my bed after staying over, and has no problem catering to my every need within reason if i ask nicely, never bitches or nags, even if she shows up and i have liquor on my breath on a monday night, is always down for sex and will peel the clothes off even if shes not in the mood in he afternoon on her way to get groceries.

 

As long as you treat them with dignity and respect like a lady they will hug and hold you and fawn all over you. Its a cultural thing. A korean girl i dated was the exact same way. No white girl from the west stays like that for long.

[Eivuwan]

Im dating a filipino girl who works in health care who holds down six jobs. One of those jobs pays $6 an hour more than what i make in investment banking (although i work at my rate on salary so its consistent). She still loves to cling, she will clean my room and make my bed after staying over, and has no problem catering to my every need within reason if i ask nicely, never bitches or nags, even if she shows up and i have liquor on my breath on a monday night, is always down for sex and will peel the clothes off even if shes not in the mood in he afternoon on her way to get groceries.

 

As long as you treat them with dignity and respect like a lady they will hug and hold you and fawn all over you. Its a cultural thing. A korean girl i dated was the exact same way. No white girl from the west stays like that for long.

 

Eh, I still think that that type of behavior is due to social inequality. Some women might be doing better, but being raised in a certain way makes it hard for them to realize that they could want more.

[ktya]

The korean drove a bmw m3 and had handbags worth more than my truck.

 

The filipino makes $65k a year.

 

Just because a woman doesnt subscribe to western feminist ideals doesnt mean she is somehow on unequal footing.

 

Both of those girls have a feminine power that gives them complete control over guys its just the way they are.

 

Dont fall for the western standard sitcom type relationship where a wife belittles her man as an ignorant pig all day and call that equality. Thats crap. There is better out there.

 

Some western white women act like this too without emotional baggage, its just that its all too rare. They tend to either have deep seated emotional baggage or they put it up as a front then try to change you into someone else later.

 

I wish it werent that way... Im pretty old school, treat my girl like a princess, chivalry, hold the door, all that. But ive been berated for something as simple as opening a door for a girl ("what you think i cant open it myself?!?") and it is a huge turn off. OP wants clingy girls who arent nutbar, so i suggest he look into other cultures.

[lino]

I also like clingy women.

 

I wish my girlfriend was more clingy than she is but it's ok.

 

Hilarious seeing people say it's something unhealthy... Or even that it's 'preying'!! Everybody likes the same thing right?

Close minded imbeciles.

 

Some people like feeling wanted.

[Eivuwan]

The korean drove a bmw m3 and had handbags worth more than my truck.

 

The filipino makes $65k a year.

 

Just because a woman doesnt subscribe to western feminist ideals doesnt mean she is somehow on unequal footing.

 

Both of those girls have a feminine power that gives them complete control over guys its just the way they are.

 

Dont fall for the western standard sitcom type relationship where a wife belittles her man as an ignorant pig all day and call that equality. Thats crap. There is better out there.

 

 

It's not a choice between clingy and berating people for holding doors open. There is a middle ground. The words "clingy" or "needy" automatically have negative connotations. You can say that maybe women from other cultures are more attentive to their men or more yielding, but that's different from clingy or needy.