I like extremely clingy and needy women -- is this normal?

[GorillaTheater]

Oh kerrist... I've just read the post where you say -

 

 

 

...so I'm not suggesting an Oedipus complex, here.....

 

Am I....?

 

I read this and heard a bell somewhere.

 

I think you may have hit it, Tara.

[NYSean]

Oh kerrist... I've just read the post where you say -

 

 

 

...so I'm not suggesting an Oedipus complex, here.....

 

Am I....?

 

I don't think it's an Oedipus Complex, I also find it really stimulating when I nurture my girlfriend. I like emotionally spoiling my women; kind of babying them in a way.

[Emilia]

I don't think it's an Oedipus Complex, I also find it really stimulating when I nurture my girlfriend. I like emotionally spoiling my women; kind of babying them in a way.

Then you are probably a narcisist.

 

Running out of Greek mythology here

[TaraMaiden]

No way, she would put her foot down if my dad was in the wrong. But she does nag a lot, probably because he never does anything around the house and my mom has a job yet she has to come home and cook/clean. Generally she makes all the decisions for me and my brother when we were growing up and my father would only make the big financial decisions. If I had to do something, I'd have to ask my mom first not my dad.

Reverse emulation.

 

You want the kind of woman your father is to your mother.

 

Subconsciously, you admire your mother's strength, but feel your father is downtrodden. You don't want to be 'that guy'. So you emulate the Person in your life whose characteristics you respect and admire the most, but hell will freeze over before you act like your dad with a woman.

No way is any woman going to behave with you, the way your dad lets your mum behave with him...

So you've established identical relationships but with role reversal techniques.

 

That will be $450 please.

 

Same time next week?

 

hang on, I'll just check my schedule....

[NYSean]

Then you are probably a narcisist.

 

Running out of Greek mythology here

 

Hahah I don't have any delusions of grandeur. Hell, I feel weird and get a little shy when my girlfriend showers me with praise

[NYSean]

Reverse emulation.

 

You want the kind of woman your father is to your mother.

 

Subconsciously, you admire your mother's strength, but feel your father is downtrodden. You don't want to be 'that guy'. So you emulate the Person in your life whose characteristics you respect and admire the most, but hell will freeze over before you act like your dad with a woman.

No way is any woman going to behave with you, the way your dad lets your mum behave with him...

So you've established identical relationships but with role reversal techniques.

 

That will be $450 please.

 

Same time next week?

 

hang on, I'll just check my schedule....

 

LOL YES! I don't want in any way shape or form be useless like my father. I'll tell you consciously I don't. But I'm a little confused as to how this would resolve the issue as to why I like clingy, needy women? Women like this tend to be insecure and I don't really find these qualities as something I'd respect and admire, only endearing.

[TaraMaiden]

Because in spite of everything, your parents are still married and in all probability they have a great deal of affection for one another.

No matter who is 'dominant' and who is 'submissive' it's a dynamic that however bad, skewed or disjointed it may look, actually works for them.

And you want the same thing - but you don't want to fill your father's role.

So whose role can you possibly emulate?

Your mother's.

[Emilia]

Because in spite of everything, your parents are still married and in all probability they have a great deal of affection for one another.

No matter who is 'dominant' and who is 'submissive' it's a dynamic that however bad, skewed or disjointed it may look, actually works for them.

And you want the same thing - but you don't want to fill your father's role.

So whose role can you possibly emulate?

Your mother's.

Damn it woman, you are good!

[TaraMaiden]

Your father is probably not clingy or needy.

And take him out of the equation, and your mother would probably miss him terribly, and be half the woman she is.

The fact is, they're both compliant to their roles.

Self AND mutually supporting.

 

Take a step back, and pretend they're not your parents - watch how they interact, but really see the dynamic there, at work.

 

I think you may find I'm quite close to the knuckle here.....

[TaraMaiden]

Damn it woman, you are good!

 

I didn't spend 30 years in a padded room chained to a radiator fer nuthin' you know.....

 

[NYSean]

Because in spite of everything, your parents are still married and in all probability they have a great deal of affection for one another.

No matter who is 'dominant' and who is 'submissive' it's a dynamic that however bad, skewed or disjointed it may look, actually works for them.

And you want the same thing - but you don't want to fill your father's role.

So whose role can you possibly emulate?

Your mother's.

 

They don't have any affection for one another. I've never seen them kiss or hold hands or each other other ONCE in my entire life. During my childhood years they slept in separate rooms and now that they're close to retirement my mother wants to separate from him. I found out a few days ago she HATES him to the core. Says he's just easily irritable now, has a short fuse, and likes to yell at her for stupid nonsense; doesn't like her telling him what to do.

[GorillaTheater]

Damn it woman, you are good!

 

She's awesome. Makes me wonder if she might not just have a future career at this sort of thing ...

[NYSean]

Your father is probably not clingy or needy.

And take him out of the equation, and your mother would probably miss him terribly, and be half the woman she is.

The fact is, they're both compliant to their roles.

Self AND mutually supporting.

 

Take a step back, and pretend they're not your parents - watch how they interact, but really see the dynamic there, at work.

 

I think you may find I'm quite close to the knuckle here.....

 

Me and my brother always felt that if my mother left him, he'd beg to have her back simply because he would realize that he can't do anything for himself and there's no one to coddle him.

 

I have taken a step back and observed their relationship. Although they sleep together now, they look more like roommates/friends than anything.

[TaraMaiden]

They don't have any affection for one another. I've never seen them kiss or hold hands or each other other ONCE in my entire life. During my childhood years they slept in separate rooms and now that they're close to retirement my mother wants to separate from him. I found out a few days ago she HATES him to the core. Says he's just easily irritable now, has a short fuse, and likes to yell at her for stupid nonsense; doesn't like her telling him what to do.

 

Well, something has held them together all these years, and trust me, with this amount of emotion, it wasn't 'for the sake of the kids'.

 

I personally know a couple (I am related to them) with almost exactly the same dynamic structure as that of the one you describe between your parents.

 

It appeared to one and all, as if the two of them had burned whatever little affection they'd once had, with harsh words, unkind deeds and poor intentions. They were constantly bickering, at one another's throats and they looked for all the world as if one would murder the other.

 

When she died two years ago, he was inconsolable. His grief was palpable, and he kept telling everyone how much he missed her, and that the light had gone from his world.

 

You would never have believed it was the same man....

 

The dynamic is there.

Something about it stirs your desire, and children learn about relationships from their parents.

 

You say there's no affection there.

But you'd still rather err on being more like your mom than your dad.

 

And conditioning makes you value what's good.... so you shy away from the bad aspect.

 

But the fact that submission and someone pacing up and down worrying about you, is a turn-on, leads me to surmise that what you have been programmed to want, in a relationship, may lead to damaging aspects in the future.

 

Once upon a time, your parents were in love....

[TaraMaiden]

Me and my brother always felt that if my mother left him, he'd beg to have her back simply because he would realize that he can't do anything for himself and there's no one to coddle him.

I don't believe your mother can leave your father - not permanently. She may threaten it, but something in this relationship feeds what she needs.

There is a payoff in this, for both of them....

 

.....Although they sleep together now, they look more like roommates/friends than anything.

This isn't uncommon, sadly even with much younger couples, and frankly, it's not as unusual as you might think.

 

What IS more unusual is that they used to sleep in separate beds - but now they're back together.

[NYSean]

Well, something has held them together all these years, and trust me, with this amount of emotion, it wasn't 'for the sake of the kids'.

 

I personally know a couple (I am related to them) with almost exactly the same dynamic structure as that of the one you describe between your parents.

 

It appeared to one and all, as if the two of them had burned whatever little affection they'd once had, with harsh words, unkind deeds and poor intentions. They were constantly bickering, at one another's throats and they looked for all the world as if one would murder the other.

 

When she died two years ago, he was inconsolable. His grief was palpable, and he kept telling everyone how much he missed her, and that the light had gone from his world.

 

You would never have believed it was the same man....

 

The dynamic is there.

Something about it stirs your desire, and children learn about relationships from their parents.

 

You say there's no affection there.

But you'd still rather err on being more like your mom than your dad.

 

And conditioning makes you value what's good.... so you shy away from the bad aspect.

 

But the fact that submission and someone pacing up and down worrying about you, is a turn-on, leads me to surmise that what you have been programmed to want, in a relationship, may lead to damaging aspects in the future.

 

Once upon a time, your parents were in love....

 

 

Well done! I think you've cracked it! Jeezus I have spoken about this with some of my friends who ARE clinical psychologists and they haven't a clue where the root of this comes from.

 

I probably should let go of that pacing up and down worrying about me bit, I need to think about the negatives that comes with that behavior. I could imagine if this happened EVERYDAY, I probably wouldn't stick around either, I can only tolerate so much.

[NYSean]

I don't believe your mother can leave your father - not permanently. She may threaten it, but something in this relationship feeds what she needs.

There is a payoff in this, for both of them....

 

 

This isn't uncommon, sadly even with much younger couples, and frankly, it's not as unusual as you might think.

 

What IS more unusual is that they used to sleep in separate beds - but now they're back together.

 

The reason why they sleep in the same room is when we were children me and my brother shared the same room. When I was in HS and early college my brother took my dad's room and he went to sleep in the same bed as my mom.

[TaraMaiden]

I await my cheque.

 

With interest....

[KathyM]

You like extremely needy, clingy, insecure women who have low self esteem because that is the type who will let you manipulate them, and put up with your crap and your arrogance. I can see you have traits similar to your father (short fuse, verbally abusive). You want needy and insecure women because they don't leave you when you treat them badly, and you like treating women badly. It gives you a sense of power and feeds your ego. You need to feel "one up" with women because you are actually an insecure person. Your insecurity is masked by your verbal abuse. Because of your insecurity, you feel threatened by a woman who is confident and who has high self esteem. So you pick women who you know you can feel superior over and who you can dominate.

[TaraMaiden]

The reason why they sleep in the same room is when we were children me and my brother shared the same room. When I was in HS and early college my brother took my dad's room and he went to sleep in the same bed as my mom.

 

The fact is, if they really felt so alien about one another, sleeping in the same bed would have been abhorrent to them, particularly her.

 

If people cannot tolerate sleeping in the same bed, no amount of inconvenience will convince them to do it.

 

I know when my brother and his wife separated, she could not envisage sharing the same bed with him, and he eventually had to go sleep at my parents' house.

 

remember, perception is often deception.

Having lived with their behaviour for so long, you have come to see it in a particular light - on the face of it, your parents are merely existing out of convenience, under the same roof.

 

But I truly believe there is more at play there than you realise.

 

Wood for the trees, that kind of thing....

[TaraMaiden]

You like extremely needy, clingy, insecure women who have low self esteem because that is the type who will let you manipulate them, and put up with your crap and your arrogance. I can see you have traits similar to your father (short fuse, verbally abusive). You want needy and insecure women because they don't leave you when you treat them badly, and you like treating women badly. It gives you a sense of power and feeds your ego. You need to feel "one up" with women because you are actually an insecure person. Your insecurity is masked by your verbal abuse. Because of your insecurity, you feel threatened by a woman who is confident and who has high self esteem. So you pick women who you know you can feel superior over and who you can dominate.

 

I don't get this from him at all. If this were the case, he would be extremely rude to me, because i am nothing like the kind of woman he is attracted to.

I think he would revolt and tell me I have no clue what I'm talking about and that I'm some kind of frustrated analyst who thinks she knows it all.

 

But he has been nothing other than receptive, engaging and polite.

 

I think you're completely wrong about him.

[NYSean]

You like extremely needy, clingy, insecure women who have low self esteem because that is the type who will let you manipulate them, and put up with your crap and your arrogance. I can see you have traits similar to your father (short fuse, verbally abusive). You want needy and insecure women because they don't leave you when you treat them badly, and you like treating women badly. It gives you a sense of power and feeds your ego. You need to feel "one up" with women because you are actually an insecure person. Your insecurity is masked by your verbal abuse. Because of your insecurity, you feel threatened by a woman who is confident and who has high self esteem. So you pick women who you know you can feel superior over and who you can dominate.

 

LOL this post makes me laugh.

[NYSean]

I don't get this from him at all. If this were the case, he would be extremely rude to me, because i am nothing like the kind of woman he is attracted to.

I think he would revolt and tell me I have no clue what I'm talking about and that I'm some kind of frustrated analyst who thinks she knows it all.

 

But he has been nothing other than receptive, engaging and polite.

 

I think you're completely wrong about him.

 

Tara -- she has a vendetta against me, I posted in another thread last night saying that I would not treat a woman who would disrespect a man with respect. It was a post about a guy who went on a date with an older woman who randomly told him that 1. She drives a 86 k Mercedes, 2. Tells him that she rejects tons of guys on online dating 3. dumped a guy because he wouldn't pay for him on the first date.

 

Plus, she told him out of random that she wouldn't have sex with him the first night and doesn't like touching. It just raised all sorts of red flags with me when this guy just wanted to show the woman a good time. I did say a lot of mean things because this woman is clearly going around giving guys a hard time playing this sick game of cat and mouse.

 

She equated it to me not having respect for confident, successful women when I've told her in multiple posts that I actually DO respect confident, successful women and that if she WAS secure with herself and successful she would NOT treat a man this way.

 

She's just a little angry with me from yesterday.

[KathyM]

I don't get this from him at all. If this were the case, he would be extremely rude to me, because i am nothing like the kind of woman he is attracted to.

I think he would revolt and tell me I have no clue what I'm talking about and that I'm some kind of frustrated analyst who thinks she knows it all.

 

But he has been nothing other than receptive, engaging and polite.

 

I think you're completely wrong about him.

If you saw his little temper tantrum he had last night, you would know why I came up with this, but also based on what he has said here. Men who are attracted to needy and insecure women want someone they can dominate and control, who they can treat badly and she will put up with it.

[NYSean]

@KathyM you go on a thread and say men are clueless. Hahah what did you think was going to happen?