Boyfriend/Sex Addiction/Craigslist/Weird Bondage Site

[bree5454]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years. I recently moved into his apartment (2 months ago) and things have felt better than ever. We've had our ups and downs in the past, which have led to some trust issues. About a year ago when we were going through a rough patch (arguments, work stress, etc) and I found out he'd created an online profile on plenty of fish. I found out because he'd received a late night text message while sleeping. I saw "Andrea" flash on his screen and went through his phone (breach in privacy blah blah blah, I know). Initially he denied it, but was forced to confess after I found more evidence. He apologized etc., and it took months for me to get over it.

 

Fast forward a year and I've made another discovery. Yes, I invaded his privacy again -- and discovered he'd created a profile just a few days ago on some weird bondage site -- with a picture of his chest, stating he was looking for an online romance (among other bondage-y details). I flipped. He of course begged me to forgive him etc. Said he thought he might have a sex addiction problem, but that he never intended to physically cheat on me. He says he would NEVER do that -- he just got off on the thrill of chatting online.

 

The day after my discovery, I felt really paranoid. I wanted to forgive him because I love him, but I started digging more. I racked my brain trying to think of other places he might have a hookup profile. That brought me to craigslist. Obviously the 'Casual Encounters' section is anonymous. But I used his email and said forgot my password. BOOM and email from craigslist enters his email box (yep, I have access to that and no, I don't normally go through it). I reset his craigslist password and login to his account. And BOOM. There's a posting that was deleted from one month ago -- the day after Christmas, while him and I were in another state visiting his family.

 

The post briefly described him -- and what he was looking for -- "light bondage" and an "ongoing relationship with a submissive woman" and that he wanted to "first meet in public to see if they got along well."

 

(Aside: The bondage obsession is also weird. We've done silly light bondage things before -- tape, rope, cheap handcuffs -- but we don't have some weird sub/dom relationship).

 

I confronted him. At first he was angry. Then he was despondent. Then he begged for me to forgive him. Said he would go to therapy, do anything and that he didn't want to be that person. He claims he deleted the post about 10 minutes afterwards and that he NEVER actually wanted to go through with it, he just got a sexual thrill out of it. He again claimed he might have a sexual addiction, and that he's ashamed. He loves me more than anything -- blah blah blah.

 

I'm torn. I'm disgusted. I'm stressed. I could move out this weekend. Take everything I own -- which includes the bed, couch, table and chairs, coffee maker -- mostly everything (we got rid of his stuff when I moved in because my was nicer/newer).

 

I just don't understand his behavior. It's so risky and stupid (we JUST moved in together, he'll have no furniture after I'm gone and a pretty large rent payment on the 1st) that it might be sexual addiction, but he could be lying. He maybe cheated physically. I'll never be able to prove that. He claims he'll do anything to make this right, begging me to give him another chance to be a better man, etc., but I don't even know what could make this better. He's shattered my trust and these huge dreams I had for our future (after months of what seemed like an amazing relationship).

 

Looking for honest, thoughtful advice, not just "dump his ass"...though it was certainly my first (and still lingering) reaction...

 

Thanks in advance if you've read this lengthy post.

Edited January 31, 2014 by bree5454

[Philosoraptor]

I'm sorry, but you are in a relationship with someone who has cheating intentions... and may have already crossed that line. He's minimizing things and has already destroyed the trust in the relationship.

 

Don't allow him to pull the wool over your eyes. He's looking for someone to cheat with... someone who wants a quick thrill isn't thinking about an ongoing relationship.

 

I'm sorry if you don't want the advice... but unless you want to live your life always wondering if he's wandering or going to wander, or living questioning his every statement, you'd be best to bail and not use any more of the little bit of precious time we have in this life on a cheater.

 

Your gut instinct told you not to trust him, and you were right. Trust it now and don't let sentiment get in the way of taking the best care of yourself and setting yourself for a healthy and happy future.

[TaraMaiden]

Trust issues, communication issues, Respect issues.

 

Trust, Communication and Respect are the three main stalwarts of a well-functioning relationship.

 

Given that all three are seriously fractured, guess what?

 

You don't actually have a 'relationship'.

You have a 'walking-on-eggshells' existence with someone who perpetually cheats, is doing things behind your back, only shows remorse and apologises when you find out, and promises to never do it again, but does, which also makes him a liar.

 

No no, by all means, stay with him.

If you really don't mind your own self-respect and dignity being ground into dust under his heel, and you want to carry on pretending you can get through this and save it - entirely on your own - then, no, by all means, do NOT dump his ass.

 

More fool you though, because he will never change, and you will always, but always doubt, mistrust and snoop.

 

Fine existence this is turning out to be...

[tlegend]

He solicited for sex while you were in a relationship. He's done so many times.

 

 

Unless you broke it off with him or gave him the green light in looking to these avenues (it doesn't seem so), you deserve someone much better. Dump his ass and move on.

[bree5454]

I appreciate the honest advice. I wish it weren't true. Despite the gut-wrenching, heart breaking circumstances, it's still hard to leave. But I think it would be even harder to stay.

 

It's funny how your brain tricks you into thinking the person you're with (no matter how horrible they are) is the only one you'll ever love. I truly wanted him to be the one, but life and people are pretty damn disappointing most of the time.

 

Packing up all of my stuff is going to be a bitch...

[veggirl]

If he honestly thought it was a sexual addiction why didn't he get help for it the first time?

 

He knows he doesn't have an addiction--he's just a cheater.

[soccerrprp]

bree5454,

 

Only someone blind would not say to you, "dump his a$$." I just don't get some people, especially you ladies. CLEAR evidence that someone is not good for you and excuses or need for explanations that help you work out the obvious. He is a cheater and liar. If you are okay with that then that's your self-inflicted problem.

[Grumpybutfun]

As someone who has a successful marriage, I want to share something with you. Men who love their woman do not cheat. Men who get caught for being a douche and cry sexual addiction are insulting those people who can't function, have dangerous encounters and mental health issues culminating in sexual addiction.

You may think you love him too much to just walk away, but the thing is you don't love him at all because the person he has shown you is a lie. Otherwise, why the need for him to lie, be duplicitous and go behind your back? You love an idea of him he presents in order to have his cake and eat it too. I also consider this behavior cheating because if you won't do it right in front of your partner....

Look, you have no idea of he has actually found someone to play bondage with. Since transparency is a must in any healthy relationship, the fact that he gets angry with you for viewing his social media and email, you know he has secrets to hide and clandestine intentions. Most men who live and respect their wives have no issue with sharing media, texts or meals unless a girl uses it to control or manipulate him and is obsessive about it.

 

Wasting one more day on this guy who clearly does not respect you and has no idea what love entails would be a grave mistake on your part. Utilize the time you would spend trying to fix him by finding someone who has values close to your own.

Best,

Grumps

[Quiet Storm]

You love the idea of him, what you thought he was and what you wish he could be.

 

Logically, I think you know that he is not that man. Intellectually, you know you deserve better.

 

Your heart just hasn't accepted it yet.

 

Be glad you found this out now, and not after you have kids with him. There are many women that saw the signs and rationalized them away. Now they have kids with the guy and he's sending out dicpics and trolling craiglist. You don't want to be pregnant and find out you have an std because of his addiction. He probably won't change, just get better at hiding it. Next time, he'll be smarter and use an email you don't know about.

 

Don't take this personally. These are his issues. Issues that will rain down on you if you stay. He probably does love you, but this isn't about love. It's about his inability to be a good partner for anyone. You can love him but still accept he's not good for you.

 

He is showing you who he is. Pay attention to his actions, not his words.

[nais]

Here is what should happen once you have raked your brain over the social reasons to be angry- find out what he needs and provide this for him, also if you are providing find out what he is willing to let go to support your efforts. If this cannot happen then, leave or enjoy finding more profiles created for him to cheat on you.