Fear and Confusion on the Dark Side of the Moon.

[greenshift]

Sorry for the novel, but here's my life:

 

VERY late twenties, married for five years this coming Spring (no kids), happily for the most part. Early November, W takes a business trip out of town for three days. Two days after returning, she comes home four hours late from school (well after midnight), smelling of alcohol and cigarettes (we don't smoke, and she's not much of a drinker), and effectively jumps me for the first time (with her initiaiting, anyway) in months.

 

The next night, immediately after a nice dinner out, she tells me amidst a veritable river of tears that she feels we aren't very well suited for each other and that she wants me to move out.

 

At first, I agreed. I've had doubts from time to time and the last thing I want is to stand in the way of her happiness.

 

But then (que the drums, please) it occurred to me:

 

WHAT??!

 

Where the hell did this come from? Sure, I've had some doubts, but from what I understand EVERYONE has doubts on occasion. My parents had a violent divorce of mythic proportions and duration when I was six and it wasn't until marriage counselling four years ago that I really came to understand that I had *serious* issues conveying feelings and letting myself really trust other people. I have lots of doubts, but doubts aren't a reason to get separated, much less divorced.

 

Oh, and: I cheated on her. Once. Four years ago. An indiscretion for which I still frequently feel like that odd un-named substance which aspires one day to hold the hand towel for the scum that clings to your worst pair of worn-out (unmatching) running shoes . I was drunk (not an excuse, but certainly a factor), I owned up to it almost immediately (after about a week of working up the nerve), and haven't spoken to the other woman since (nor have I had any desire to). Of course, she went and married someone in my immediate family a year after the Dark Day and immediately popped out a couple of kids, so that has made things less-than-pleasant on the rare occasions (twice, so far) when simultaneous occupation of the same structure has been unavoidable.

 

In short: I screwed up. I owned up to it. She grieved. I grieved and felt like an ass. We went to counselling and figured some stuff out, and spent years rebuilding the trust that I destroyed by being an idiot. She forgave me, or said she did (and I've had no reason to doubt her). Life, eventually, was grand and our relationship, as far as I could tell, emerged stronger for the trial.

 

Additional factors: we're both in school. I just started my bachelor's about two, almost three years ago after nearly a decade of nicely-paying work in a field I stumbled into after high school, and took a $60K USD paycut at the time. No doubt this has introduced some stress, but we're not exactly poor. W is in grad school, where she has met many, many people who share her newfound interest in (insert masters field name here), and for the first time sees, as do I, what a handicap it is not to be able to discuss your work with your spouse, especially when it is something she is as passionate about as she is this. My work is very technical, as is hers, but in entirely different directions. Working + School = Stress_lotsa (imagine subscript font if you're a math geek like me)

 

So, I said, "Hey! Move out? You can't be serious! We're just stressed, and tired, and overworked. But I'll be done with school in a year, and then you can quit and go to school full time! It'll be great! Very relaxing, all the cool kids are doing it." (This may sound selfish, but it was our agreement, her idea, and she still adamantly claims that she doesn't have a problem with this) " So, you have doubts! I understand that. Let's go see a counselor again and see what she has to say. Whatever it is, I'm positive we can work it out."

 

No go. In my second not-so-bright moment I took a full month finding an apartment AFTER she said that it was that, or immediate divorce, because she "can't live like this."

 

On the other hand, I've slept a total of eight nights (of 30+) at my apartment since I moved. I can't help thinking I could've got a room at a pretty slick hotel at that rate... We're still seeing each other, eating together, talking on the phone during the day, sleeping together, etc.

 

She says that there's no one else, and I'm inclined to believe her, despite some suspicious events. I'm still very insecure about this, but fear getting engaged in a Pot-Kettle debacle. She's started seeing our old marriage counselor solo, but won't really discuss what's going on there (says it's None Of My Business: I understand that as a gut reaction, but it's just patently un-true if you really think about it) other to say that the counselor has told her that, if we're going to do this moved-out-separated thing, then it needs to be for real: minimal contact, no drop-by-when-you-feel-like-it, etc.

 

This, for lack of a better word, sucks.

 

Every time she comes over now, she expects sex. Not immediatley, but we seem to be developing a formula of movie, dinner, wild monkey love of a type that would have made even *me* blush a few months ago.

 

All that's fine with me on the most superficial of levels, but I can't help feeling a bit .... used. (Every man's dream, blah blah blah) I don't know what to do. Not sure how to react, crying uncontrollably at random intervals, occasionally shouting at her for reasons that have nothing to do with the real ones, all she says is "There's no one else, I don't know what's wrong, I still love you, This moving out thing is stupid, no it's not, I don't know what to do, II don't know why I'm so unhappy."

 

Suggestions?

 

Things feel like they're... slipping, like we're both getting used to this self-imposed isolation and I hate it. I'm a problem solver, and everything I try just makes this worse.

 

Fire away.

[Devildog]

This post isn't being ignored, just alot to think about and consider. I will reply further after some consideration.

[Owl]

Well, you comment that she says that there is no one else, and you believe her...but...

 

There are numerous signs that she's got someone else. And you're clearly seeing them, but ignoring them.

 

1. She came home four hours late reeking of alchohol and cigarettes, and jumped you like you've not been jumped in a long time.- Take a look at some of the posts over on the infidelity board...that is a clear indicator. At the beginning of an affair, sex often INCREASES in quality/quantity. Same thing happened when my wife started her emotional affair...she was thinking about HIM instead of me. Go figure.

 

2. She hands you the "we're not suited, lets seperate" speech. I'd bet she made the comment somewhere to that she needs to "sort things out" or "get her head straight" too.- Note that this was very abruptly delivered to you the day after she came home smelling late smelling like she'd been out partying.

 

3. She's giving you NO opportunity to work things out. She's not willing to tell you what's wrong. There's no reason why she should tell you everything about her counseling...but it's clear that she's hiding the reasons for her actions from you. WHY ELSE WOULD SHE HIDE THEM???

 

4. She just comes over for "sex".-She's a cake eater. She's got you and someone else going now...

 

You need to sit down and do some serious thinking. What will you do if you find out that she IS having an affair? Once you've got that figured out, I'd suggest you start working on getting PROOF...one way or another. She's going to deny it right up until she has no choice. Start by finding out where she's going to where she lives. See who else is there. See where she goes after school. Check her her cell phone records and email...odds are that if something is going on, she's been calling/IMing/chatting with this person.

 

You're in a bad state friend...I wish you luck!

[Merin]

Well.. I agree with Owl that there is more going on than your wife is telling you.

 

I also would suspect she is seeing someone else and is torn as to which direction she wants to jump.. On one hand the two of you have history together, you are the known.. the tried and true if you will.. and IF she is seeing someone else.. then he would be the "excitment" of being with someone new.. however the unknown can be very scary and people will often hold on to the Known out of fear of the unknown not working out.

 

Because you don't seem opposed to seeking outside help, I would be inclined to suggest that perhaps seeking solo counseling may not be a bad idea for you as well...

 

Good Luck

[Owl]

Merin-

 

.. however the unknown can be very scary and people will often hold on to the Known out of fear of the unknown not working out.

 

You're very right there my friend. When my wife's emotional affair was discovered, he bought her plane tickets to go live with him...even though the two of them had never met face to face!! She packed up and moved into a motel for a week while waiting on the day for the flight...and it was during that last day in the motel that her and I talked about it that I learned about that fear you describe.

 

She begged me to "can't you just let me go to see if what we've got is real, and come back if it's not???". Talk about an irrational question...but that's the point...she was anything BUT rational at the time...the whole affair thing had her head wrapped around and around. Needless to say....I said "NO!".

 

The good news is that she didn't go, we're still together 8 months later, and things are working out pretty good now for us.

 

Green-

Seriously, what you've described sounds very much like an affair. I'd suggest that you take a look at the infidelity section of LS, and read through a lot of the stories there. And like I've said...start sorting through what you want to do if you find out it is...have a plan. Ask advice here, and in the infidelity section...and again, good luck to you!

[greenshift]

I agree that things certainly seem like she's having an affair, but it's also possible that my account of the situation is colored because I suspect that, and that I may be unintentionally presenting a skewed version of the situation.

 

To quote a wise man: Grrr. Argh.

 

If it turned out she was having an affair, I'd forgive her. I almost feel like she had a credit in the mess-up column because of my past mistakes. Still, it's possible that she's NOT, and that she's just having some sort of quarter-life crisis.

 

I think.

 

In the absence of any emprical evidence, I have to give her the benefit of the doubt both in my thoughts and my actions. Last night she finally agreed to counseling together; hopefully that'll get us somewhere.

 

Thanks, everyone.

[Owl]

Well, good luck to you friend. As one who has been cheated on, I'd tell you that your "gut feeling" is far more likely to be true. You'll have that feeling way in advance of the "empirical evidence".

 

I really do hope the joint counseling works out for the both of you. Keep us posted on how things go for you!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

If she is getting counseling, solo - for something that is 'none of your business', she could just be afraid that she is falling out of love with you and dealing with the guilt/obligation/sadness that is a part of that through the counselor. Falling out of love is a slow (usually one-sided - hence, the 'not your business' that she gave you) process - very slow, with lots of stumbles on the way down. When you fall out of love, you find yourself trying to jump start it through whichever means you can - (hence the bouts of sex and 'dating'), but often nothing can really stop the inevitable. It is sad for both the heartbreaker and the heartbroken - probably worse for the heartbreaker since the intent is not to hurt the other person. You can't help loving someone - and you also can't help not loving someone anymore. It is a huge guilty feeling - knowing that you should love someone, but you feel it slipping away and you distance yourself physically, mentally, emotionally as you make the break. I expect she's trying to cope with that and sort her feelings out. During this time, the contact should be minimal. There is no way she is going to be able to sort out her feelings if you two are seeing each other as often as you are and under the circumstances that you are.

 

Whatever the case, if she insists on working it out alone with a counselor - she recognizes that whatever is going on: its all about her and something going on in her heart. If the counselor felt that it was a matter of reconciliation, I would think you'd be brought into it - but it sounds more like it is a session designed to help her cope with and continue separation. Hopefully she will find out what it is that she needs to figure out, and you will be able to work with her to get past these times.

[Owl]

Lucrezia-

 

While I feel it is SOMETIMES possible to "fall out of love" with someone, I've got to say that more often or not it's because the person who is "falling" out of love has given up emotionally investing in the other person. That's why so many times when an affair is revealed, the wandering spouse tells the bs "I love you, but I'm not "in love" with you". It's because they've stopped sharing their intimate feelings and selves with that person...and in an affair...started sharing them with someone else.

 

I can also speak from recent personal experience...my wife told me the same thing I mentioned above...during her affair, she felt that she was "falling out of love with him (me), and falling in love with you(the OM)". That is a quote from her chat session with him. Again...because during the affair she stopped working on OUR relationship. But...when the affair was discovered, and things worked out that she decided to stay and work things out with me, she found that she never had stopped loving or being in love with me...but she was blinded by her emotions for him.

 

Distance might help her "sort things out"...or it might enable her to continue her relationship with the OM if she IS having an affair. Before my wife's affair was found out, we'd talked about letting her take time away by herself to "sort things out"...but in reality, she IM'ed him and asked if he'd like to meet someplace to see if what they had would have worked out in person. Had she actually gone, it probably would have spelled doom for my marriage. But she didn't...and things between us are going much much better now. She's happy that she stayed...happy that she gave that other relationship up, and is totally regrets that it ever happened (except in the sense that it caused us to fix OUR problems).

 

In other words...falling out of love often just means that one person quit trying. There may be valid reasons to quit...but regardless, the feelings of love you've had for someone don't just vanish into thin air...something causes them to go away.

 

Green- I'd suggest you think about both of these things. I'd also suggest that you begin some personal counseling of your own...and perhaps discuss this with your counselor as well. Good luck friend!