Mixed Signals 101

[fonoma]

So I got to know this guy through my running group. I didn't know who he was at first but he started talking to me on facebook 2-3 months ago about what races I was doing and general running things and he always started the conversation and was usually the one to end it (they didn't last very long nor were they that personal.) Over the holidays I was having some doubts about my relationship with my bf at the time and this guy was starting to talk to me a lot more and provided one of the only outlets I had to vent and talk it out. He flirted with me a few times before I broke up but didn't push anything on me and I didn't really reciprocate his flirtations until more recently.

 

He was always really interested in my personal life and when I asked him about his he said he didn't do much and would rather talk about me, though over time he did get into some more personal family history and upbringing such as the fact that he had to learn to fend for himself since he was 10 since his parents were always working and that he had one or two long term relationships that he referred to as "degrading" or some form of the word– I can't recall. Either way, they were pretty negative, but he's been single for the past 2 or 3 years by his own choice he says.

 

We got to talking almost every day by text or facebook and he came over to my apartment one evening to give me something that was kinda random that we were talking about which was nice but not necessary since I would have seen him the next morning at an event. He's since told me he thought I was extremely attractive, that he thought about kissing me one night when we were at a bar meet-up with our running group, and that he would have asked me out if I were single (back when I wasn't really). He keeps asking me about things I like to do and tells me he has a crush on me (or an even bigger one when I tell him about any of my nerdier hobbies.) Anyway, last week I asked him when he wanted to hang out a handful of times since we never really had (I never usually take the initiative like that but since he always was I thought I'd give it a shot.) Last Thursday he freaked out and started not responding to me very quickly and gave me a rain check saying he had plans but never gave me a date that could work. I eventually wanted to figure out why he shut me out like that and he explained that he felt I was looking for commitment (??) and that he'd make a good friend or a good lover, but a poor boyfriend. In his words "I'm really attracted to you, but I don't know that I can be your boyfriend". I was kind of hoping to just meet up with him for coffee but I guess down the line I would've liked to date him.

 

I was pretty hurt because since I split with my bf I have no close friends of my own and was really feeling lonely. Two days later I saw him in the morning after a long run and he caught my attention to say hi. There were a lot of people there so I was distracted but he had stuck around the place for a long time and loitered around a bit before leaving (not sure why he was there for so long because he was done with his run over an hour ago.) He texted me later when I got home saying it was nice to see me and asked if it was awkward for him to talk to me. I was still upset but I didn't want to be petty so I told him no it's fine. The next day I had a lovely trip with my parents to a vineyard and they put up photos on FB. Later he texted me saying how he loved my family (he knows my dad through running too) and wished his parents did stuff like that. He hinted that he was still working on making friends and how he wished we were friends. I'm guessing he was pretty moody and lonely that day.

 

Anyway, every day since then he has been messaging me in the morning after he gets to work to say good morning and ask how I am and even asked if I was safe one day when we had a lot of ice on the roads. I never initiate anything, I just reciprocate the conversation once he starts it. The talks are usually light and he always works in something flirty or a compliment and I just take it and sometimes say I'm flattered. But what I really want to know is what is going on?? I'm 65% certain I'm being played or just used as humorous text-buddy but he's brought up the fact before on his own that he's not looking for casual hook-ups. He seems way shyer in person and I'm actually still shocked that he's the same guy in person versus in texts. I'm trying to just play it cool and not really get emotionally vested again but I slip a little on occasion and start missing the security of my last relationship. Should I just try to wait it out or am I denying something really obvious?

[Grumpybutfun]

What details or complaints about your last bf were you sharing? How much and with what kind of attitude did you share them?

G

[fonoma]

I didn't really have complaints about my BF and my split with him was over uncertainty of the relationship and how I felt. I loved him but was starting to not be in love with him (we were together for 7 months) and as it was my first relationship I was starting to feel stuck and curious about other relationships.

 

I couldn't stay with my bf having that attitude as it was really unfair to him, but it was so hard to hurt him by leaving. But that's basically all I shared with this guy. He was pretty much always the one to bring it up and ask how I was doing but all he did was ask introspective and insightful questions since he said he went through something similar.

[imtooconfused]

fonoma, it sounds like your friend was emotionally abandoned at a young age. I know that people who have been abandoned (abandoned, not just orphaned) at an impressionable age (after they begin to remember and before they are mature) have problems with trust. It takes a long time to trust other people and any break in the trust can fracture the relationship. It's possible or perhaps likely that he is over analyzing your earlier break up and envisioning how you could someday fall out of love with him, leading him to be too scared to even begin such a relationship. He doesn't want to be hurt so he prevents himself from being vulnerable in the first place. Being completely single for 3 years is a clear indication of this.

 

You make mention of how he praises you, but you make no mention of how you compliment him? When you do give him praise or recognition, it's imperative that you do it in a way that is concretely sincere, with no equivocation. Instead of "I think you are funny" choose "you really make me laugh". He also may be seeking more positive emotional feedback from you before he even considers opening his heart. If you are reserved about telling him how you feel about him, now would be a good time to break that habit.

 

The fact that he is very open and expressive in text messages and reserved and shy in person is a cultural thing related to your age group and is very common. It could be related to what I said above, but not as likely as the fact that he grew up playing video games with people around the world rather than playing cowboys and indians with the kids in the neighborhood. It's something you just going to have to get used to.

 

I will freely admit that I may be barking up the wrong tree. In that case, it's perfectly fair to tell him that you are looking for something more than a friendship and if he's not ready for that you're going to have to move on. I would not go there until you have exhausted the other options that I have put forth and are really ready to burn the bridge because it will crush whatever trust you have built up with him.

[fonoma]

I just wanted to put this out here for anyone else reading this and going through something similar– this may not apply to your situation but I actually just found out this guy is seriously screwed up. I wish I could have continued this a little longer to really find out but I'm afraid if I did now he would think I'm not over him or something.

 

He was really flirting today and insinuated that he wanted to come over to see me but it wasn't definite and I didn't believe him. But he was really laying the flirting on thick. He didn't show up and I went out for dinner with my parents and some other friends and saw that he wasn't online for the whole evening. When I wake up I find he has one life event, in a relationship with someone I heard rumors he had been seeing in the past. Who'd have thought?

 

While at dinner I heard all sorts of things about him through a friend about how he was actually sleeping with an older married woman in his group too, and leading this poor girl on that he's now with. Should I break this out to her if I see her some time? She doesn't deserve to be treated like this with a guy.

 

I am just still so shocked because I thought this guy was a genuinely nice person. I guess I'm starting to experience real life. I'm extremely thankful he never let anything between us get serious. Wow!

[JonShmaltz]

Yeah. Actually you lucked out in that he chose another victim in the end.

 

I recommend that you just keep to yourself, become a room hermit, abandon all your friends, cut off your hair, change your name to Britney Spears, grow old and raise a family of cats.